


giving you my heart and soul

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Relationship Problems, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2019-10-09 04:19:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 112,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17399951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: „Nice to meet you, Javi. I'm Sergei.” the guy said, extending his hand.„I know.” Javi said and yet again cursed himself mentally, but Sergei just chuckled at that, and Javi realized that he was still waiting for him to shake his hand. He did just that quickly, and he could feel blush creeping on his neck, because really, he was just making a fool of himself in front of that guy. But then Sergei smiled even brighter and patted his shoulder.„Good luck.” he said and then walked away, leaving Javi cursing himself for not being able to act like a normal human being.akaJavi didn't really expect to make friends with that handsome Russian guy who never stopped smiling.He didn't expect to fall in love with him either.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [K1mHeechu1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/gifts).



> If you never thought about this pairing then you're in the wrong and this fic will (maybe) change your mind! Credit to my wifey for giving me the idea and the title!  
> Please remember that English isn't my first language and this is fiction, obviously!  
> First chapter is just a prologue, covering some scenes from 2008, 2009 and a part of 2010, but next chapters will be longer and more in depth, I promise.  
> I hope you enjoy!

 

The only good thing about not qualifying to the long was the ability to watch the others performing with peace and not stressing about having to beat them. That was what Javi tried to focus on, but the disappointment was still bubbling bitterly in his chest. His short had been just bad, and he still felt bad about it. His coach was supportive as always, but Javi had been really hoping he would qualify for the long that time.

Well, that hadn't happened, and now he could watch all the other guys performing. He sighed to himself and looked at the ice, where just another skater appeared. Javi narrowed his eyes, recognizing the guy vaguely- he was pretty sure he had seen him at the Europeans and he did pretty good, but now was laying on the fifteenth place, apparently.

The guy opened with a quad toe and that immediately drawn Javi's interest. Then the axel, and bunch of solid triples, and Javi couldn't tear his eyes away from the dark figure on the eyes, now expressing the soul of the music in the step sequence. It took him by surprize when it ended, and he was clapping with the whole arena, impressed by the great performance.

 _Sergei Voronov_ , the announcer said.

Javi told himself to remember that name.

 

***

 

Javi was determined.

His third Europeans, and the goal to finish higher than that damn seventeenth place. He was pretty happy with his short, finally breaking sixty points, and Javi was walking down the corridor happily, feeling motivated for the long.

„Hey!” someone exclaimed close behind him and Javi stopped, unsure if it was directed at him. He turned around and tried not to gape when he saw that bright smile in the frame of blonde hair only a few short steps away.

„You drop this.” the guy said in heavy accented English, handing him something, and it took Javi a moment to realize that it was his identity card.

„Thank you.” he said shyly, taking the pass.

„Not a problem-” the guy said, smiling warmly „- Javier?”

„Javi.” he corrected him automatically and then clamping his mouth shut, slightly horrified.

„Nice to meet you, Javi. I'm Sergei.” he said, extending his hand.

„I know.” Javi said and yet again cursed himself mentally, but Sergei just chuckled at that, and Javi realized that he was still waiting for Javi to shake his hand. He did just that quickly, and he could feel blush creeping on his neck, because really, he was just making a fool from himself in front of that guy. But then Sergei just smiled even brighter and patted his shoulder.

„Good luck.” he said and then walked away, leaving Javi cursing himself for not being able to act like a normal human being.

 

Javi got himself his eleventh place and as he was watching the medal ceremony, he promised himself that one day he would get a medal too. Maybe just once, maybe just bronze. But he would get it, and he would mark his place in the history once and for all.

 

***

 

Javi was beyond nervous.

His first grand prix assignment, new coach by his side, and he could feel his fingers shake with both anticipation and stress. He wanted to do good, but his nerves were eating him alive and he knew it was showing. He hissed when he fell on the triple axel, his hip exploding with pain. He sat on the ice, looking down, feeling cold seeping thourgh his pants and not really feeling like getting up.

But then there was a sharp sound of skates cutting out in front of him and a pair of boots appeared in his eyesight.

„Come on.” a familiar voice said and Javi looked up and saw Sergei's smile and his extended hand. He took it hesitantly and almost screeched when the older man pulled him up in one swift move „Okay?” he asked and Javi nodded dumbly.

Sergei flashed him a grin and pointed his eyes, telling him to watch and then skated away, lining himself for a jump and the performing a beautiful triple axel. He smiled at Javi encouragingly, but all Javi wanted to do was to run away. But then he decided to be a man, took a deep breath, and just went for it.

He landed it, a bit wobbly, but he did, and Javi felt a rush of adrenaline running through his veins. He looked back at Sergei, who gave him thumbs up, and Javi grinned at him, grateful.

 

It was a long season, and an exciting one. His quad toe was coming together, and it really felt like he was making small, steady steps forward. There were better and worse competitions, and then thrill of the Olympics and the short visit at home, helping him recharge batteries and look at the upcoming season with hope.

Maybe that time Morozov wouldn't be throwing the whole group in between countries and continents, maybe that year Javi would stop waking up in the middle of the night shaking like a leaf. Maybe that year, he would fall in love with skating all over again, and maybe he would find satisfaction and happiness and calm.

His mom's eyes were full of tears when they were hugging at the airpoart, and Javi felt guilty, for a moment. She knew about his anxiety problems, and Javi realized how scared she was. He hated that she was feeling like that, and he hated that he was going to leave her again, but he knew that he didn't have much choice. So he hugged her even tighter and promised to call whenever he would have a chance.

 

„We're going to Hackensack.” Morozov announced literally a week after Javi had come to Moscow, and he had to grit his teeth not to say anything. He glanced at Miki, who didn't seem suprized at all, and surpressed a sigh.

„I'm gonna go pack.” was all he said, trying not to sound resigned, and Morozov gave him a sharp smile.

„Good. By the way, you'll meet your new teammates on the airport.” he said like it was nothing and Javi bit his lip so hard he felt blood. Of course. Morozov couldn't really function without at least a dozen of people following him, and there died Javi's hopes for better training environment. But he kept his mouth shut, like always, because he wasn't in a position where could allow himself to make any comments.

 

„There he is!” Morozov exclaimed cheerfully and Javi raised his head to check who he was talking about. And there, right under the screen with departuring planes, was standing Florent Amodio, and Javi knew he was fucked. He could tell by the way Morozov's eyes sparkled, by his characteristic grin, the way he shook Florent's hand enthusiastically.

Javi was never going to be the favourite one, the one who got attention, the one someone believed in. He was slowly understanding now that he was always going to be a man in the background, and suddenly he felt very small and very, very lonely. He was standing there, watching the people around him talking and laughing, and his stomach churned, and he wanted to be anywhere else than there.

And then there was a voice coming from behind him, and Javi froze.

He was only able to watch as Sergei appear in his eyesight, coming up to Morozov and talking quickly in Russian. Sergei smiled at everyone brightly, and then his eyes found Javi and his eyes sparkled.

„Hey.” he said, coming to Javi and patting his shoulder „My new teammate, huh?”

„Hi.” Javi squaked, still beyond surprized; him and Sergei were on good terms, and he was one of the first senior skaters Javi was friendly with, but that was it.

But now they were going to train together, and Javi wondered how it would look like. They didn't know each other that much, to be honest, Javi just knew that Sergei had a great talent and a bright smile that now was directed at Javi.

They boarded the plane and Javi discovered that his seat wasn't that close to any of his teammates, and he felt kind of relief, since he knew he would have to deal with them 24/7 for the next few months. But on the other hand, he was still feeling uneasy on planes, sometimes, and a part of him wished that there was someone he could just talk to; but he had a harsh feeling that the closest person that would talk to him was all the way back in Spain.

Well, at least he had a window seat.

Javi sat down and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the window and trying not to think too much. But then he heard Sergei's voice, suspiciously close, and his eyes snapped open. There he was, standing in the alley and talking with some woman, all smiley and charming. Javi had no idea what they were talking about, but then the woman nodded, smiling warmly, and Sergei kissed her hand, making her giggle. And then, to Javi's utter surpise, he flopped on the seat right next to him.

„I don't like sit alone on the planes.” was all Sergei said, grinning, and Javi could himself smiling back.

Maybe, somehow, it wouldn't be that bad.

 

 


	2. beginnings

 

It felt surprisingly easy, that time.

„This is mine!” Sergei announced cheerfully, flopping on one of the beds and Javi was really impressed with his enthusiasm „Unless you want it?”

„No, that's fine.” Javi said, biting back a grin „You seem very excited.”

„Never been to America before.” Sergei said and Javi couldn't help but sigh quietly.

„Expect a lot of travelling now.” he said and Sergei looked at him curiously.

„You don't like it?”

„I like it, just in some... more reasonable way.” Javi said, flinching, not exactly knowing if that was enough of an explanation „I mean-”

„It's okay.” Sergei said, his gaze surprisingly thoughtful „I understand.”

„Oh.” Javi said awkwardly „Uh, so, why did you decide to work with Nikolai?” he asked and, to his utter surprize, Sergei laughed loudly at that.

„Me and my last coach ended pretty bad.” Sergei admitted „I knew Nikolai before, he agreed to coach me last minute.” he shrugged and Javi felt mildly stupid.

„I'm sorry.” he said and Sergei shook his head with a grin.

„Don't be. It's Russia, you're stuck with one coach forever or change them all the time.” he grinned and Javi chuckled at that quietly.

„You're one happy guy, Sergei.”

„I am.” the older man nodded and then tilted his head „And you?” he asked and Javi's heart clenched.

„Yeah.” he said, trying to sound convincing „Of course I am.”

 

* * *

 

Trainings looked exactly like Javi had suspected.

It wasn't like it was anything new, or surprisingly awful. Just good old Nikolai picking his favourites and sometimes forgetting that he had other students to guide too. On the other hand, he wasn't a total monster who ignored Javi completely- he just could have give him just a little bit more attention. Javi knew he wasn't in a position to complain, though- he still remembered how the coach had taken him in, not demanding any money- so no matter how Javi felt, he still owed a lot to him. And Florent was nice and cool, and it wasn't his fault that he was apparently more talented than Javi.

Still, Javi smiled and tried his best, like always. At least he had Sergei by his side now, who was in the similar situation but seemed to be chill with that. Maybe it was all about that Russian training methods or something. But he was a cool training partner, cheering on him and helping him get up after a fall. He also gave him some tips, about triple axel or quad toe, something that made Javi eye him suspiciously.

„Why do you help me?”

„Because I'm a nice one, too.” Sergei said, shrugging „And even if you land them, I still have better spins.” he added with a wink and Javi gaped.

„Hey!” he exclaimed, trying to elbow him but Sergei skated away, laughing so loudly the whole rink was shaking.

 

Sergei was not only a good teammate, he was also a cool roomate and quickly became one of Javi's closest friends. They spent the first on walking around the city, Javi showing Sergei the neighbourhood since he had been there previously. They talked a lot, and watched movies on the old tv in the living room, and it was refreshing, to have someone to talk to. Javi had know before that Sergei was cool, but only now he could really see how truly kind and fun he was.

It took Javi two weeks to discover how caring his new friend was.

„Javi.” Sergei asked slowly one night when they were getting ready to sleep „Are you okay?”

„Yeah, why are you asking?” Javi asked absently and Sergei hesitated for a moment.

„You don't sleep very well.” he said finally and Javi looked at him, alarmed „I noticed, a few times.”

Javi swallowed hard, feeling blush creeping on his cheeks. He had been truly hoping that his sleeping disorder wouldn't cause any trouble for Sergei, but he was apparently wrong.

„I'm sorry, I'll try-” he started but Sergei cut him off with a sigh.

„No, Javi, I didn't mean-” he ran his hand through his hair, which, Javi noticed suddenly, seemed very soft „- I want to know if I can help, somehow.”

Javi stared at him, surprized, because he didn't expect to hear that. His teammates hadn't expressed much concern about his well- being before, so he wasn't really sure what to say now.

„I just can't sleep, sometimes.” he admitted in a small voice, swallowing hard „Look, if it's bothering you I can-”

„Javi.” Sergei sighed, giving him a smile that was both soft and sad „The only thing that bothers me is that you seem so tired, sometimes. And that you don't smile enough.”

„Oh.” Javi mumbled, surprized and confused, not really sure how to respond to that statement, from someone who had been his friend for less than a month now. But apparently Sergei didn't need any response, because he just smiled a bit wider.

„Just let me know if I can do something, okay?”

„Okay.” Javi nodded; he was grateful, but he knew that it probably wouldn't happen. It was something he had to deal with by himself.

 

* * *

 

There was also another thing about Sergei that Javi started noticing after maybe a month of rooming together.

So, Sergei was kinda hot.

And it was starting to be a problem.

Javi always realized that he was attracted to men too, but it was never really like that; by _that_ he meant that he really had to contain himself not to glare like some creepster when Sergei was wandering around in just a towel or chilling in their room in his underwear. And he was doing that a lot. Javi never really had troubles with nudity, but in that case he would prefer Sergei to wear a bit more, for the sake of their friendship and Javi's sanity.

He tried to hide it, of course. Sergei was super cool, but Javi suspected he wouldn't be comfortable if he knew what thoughts were sometimes wandering into Javi's mind. They weren't PG, that for sure.

He was keeping it together pretty good for most of the time, until one night. He was just chilling in his bed, reading a book, when Sergei came back from the bathroom, a towel wrapped loosely around his hips and his hair slightly wet, and Javi's face started to burn. It was bad, it was so bad, he was trying to hide his face behind his book.

„Javiiii.” Sergei said suddenly, with a smile that meant that he wanted something „Do you have something to eat? I'm dying.”

„Umm.” Javi stuttered, reaching to his drawer and fishing out an energy bar „Here you go.” he mumbled and Sergei took ot gratefully.

„Thanks!” he exclaimed but then his smile dimmed „You okay?”

„Yeah.” Javi nodded and then, to his dread, Sergei reached out and touched his forehead, a caring gesture Javi knew from his childhood.

„You're hot.” Sergei hummed and Javi's brain short circuited.

„You too.” he said and immediately wished for his bed to swallow him.

But Sergei only chuckled at that, flicking Javi's nose before dropping his hand to the side.

„That was a good one. Now try to get some sleep.”

Sergei said it all in a cool, nice tone of an older brother and a part of Javi wanted to die. His life was already complicated and now he had to start crushing on his friend- slash- roommate and make everything even more messy.

_Good job, Fernandez, you human disaster._

 

 

„I like the pirate program.” Sergei said suddenly, and Javi looked up at him, surprized.

They were sitting on Sergei's bed, playing war and just enjoying the free afternoon. Most of the team went to the shopping centre and the house was unusually quiet.

„Really?”

„Liked it last season too.” Sergei said, smiling devilishly as he won the round.

„Some people say it's silly.”

„It's not. But it shows your funny side.” Sergei shrugged and Javi smiled at him.

„My funny side?”

„Yeah. It suits you.”

„Thanks. But I wish I could skate to something new, too.” Javi admitted, wincing at the memory of tha talk he had had with Nikolai, who apparently wasn't too fond of Chaplin „Your programs look good too.”

Sergei's programs were more mature than Javi's, and there was some certain intensity about them.

„So, what are the goals for this season?” Javi asked, putting a card down and wincing when he lost again.

„Get my Russian championship back.” Sergei said without any hesitation „Do decent on my grad prix. And maybe not get injured this season.” he chuckled, as if it was a great joke, and Javi narrowed his eyes.

„You've some bloody stories?” he asked carefully; thankfully, Javi himself hadn't experienced any dreadful injuries, but now he realized they had never talked about that before „But you don't have to tell me, of course-”

„Nah, that's fine.” Sergei waved his hand dismissively „Well, when I was twelve I broke my collarbone. It wasn't fun, rehabilitation was a pain.” he said and Javi flinched „A couple of years ago I fractured my foot real bad and the pain comes back sometimes, but if it's not breaking again, I'm good. Although lutz like to mess me up sometimes.”

He said it all in a careless, light tone, as if it was nothing, and Javi's heart stuttered weirdly in his chest.

They talked about a lot of things, joked and helped each other, but Javi was always surprized with Sergei's approach, always looking at the bright side of everything. And it was something Javi was relearning from him, something he had lost at some point, and now it was coming back again. That hope, that everything would work out, somehow.

He watched Sergei's calm smile and something pressed against his ribs gently, as if something started growing in his chest

„Sergei-” he started hesitantly, putting the cards away„-what makes you keep going?”

„Hmm.” Sergei hummed quietly, moving a tiny bit closer „You know, in 2006 I got my first medal at junior worlds. Silver.” he smiled, but that time it was a little bit dimmed „Then we, me and my mom, went back to that room we were renting in a shared flat. It was a very old building and we had a really fun shower. There was a-” Sergei scrunched his nose, trying to recall the correct word „- a pipe, in the wall, and a hole in the floor, in the concrete, and that was it. And I remember telling my mom _It would be funny to see Patrick Chan or Takahiko Kozuka find out where I take showers.”_ Sergei chuckled quietly, shaking his head, while Javi was only able to stare at him „And you know, Javi, I just wanted to get out from these conditions, and skating was then the only option for me, the only thing I could do to make my life a little bit better.” he said and then grinned, his usual cheerfullness back „So yeah, I just really wanted to have a normal shower.”

He was smiling, but Javier couln't repricocate it. He knew that a lot of people had similar stories, that they had it so much worse, but somewhow, in that moment, he felt so incredibly moved he wasn't even sure if he could say anything. Maybe it was because Sergei always smiled, always listened, and never talked about what was troubling him. And even know he was looking at Javi as if he was slightly concerned by his expression.

„You okay?” he asked, still smiling, and flicked Javi's nose „Didn't like my scary shower story?” his fingers brushing Javi's cheek before putting his hand on his shoulder.

Javi's mind went blank, and he wasn't sure what was going on, but suddenly his eyes were glued to Sergei's lips and he felt blood rushing to his head.

„Hey.” Sergei muttered, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly, and that was it. He switched off thinking and surged forward, pressing his lips to Sergei's. His dizzy brain had two seconds to notice that Sergei's mouth was warm and a bit chapped, but then his brain also realized what was going on and pulled back so quickly he almost fell on his back, a screech of dread dying in his throat.

Sergei was staring at him with honest surprize in his eyes and Javi's face started to burn.

He fucked up. He fucked up big time.

So he chose to run before Sergei could decide he wanted to punch him in the face.

 

Javi didn't know how long he was sitting on that bench in the middle of a park, but finally it started getting dark and he still didn't have enough courage to go back. And most importantly, he had no idea what to do.

So, he had kissed Sergei. Why? That was a great question.

Javi was ready to admit that he was attracted to Sergei on the physical level, he was good looking and constantly wandering around half naked all the time. That was fair, Javi thought, and not that bad, as long as he kept it to himself. But he had freaking _kissed_ him, and he was scared that there was no coming back from that and he had just ruined the only solid friendship he had in here.

Now, looking at it, Javi could see why he had done that; Sergei was not only attractive, but also funny and caring, and Javi was craving every bit of warmth he could get from him in that distant country, in the environment that was making his skin crawl with discomfort.

Still, that wasn't an excuse.

Javi sighed and slowly got up, walking back to the house and not looking forward to what was going to happen. He hesitated before the door to their room, but then took a deep breath and decided to face the consequences.

Sergei was laying on the bed, reading something, but he put the book away the moment he saw Javi, sitting up and looking at him intently.

„Hey.” Javi said, closing the door and standing there awkwardly, just in case if he had to escape again.

„I was starting to worry.” Sergei said and Javi swallowed nervously.

„Sorry.” he stuttered and Sergei smiled at him.

„That's okay, just next time don't rush out like you're running away from fire.”

„No, I'm sorry for- before.” Javi squeaked and Sergei tilted his head a little, a flicker of amusement on his face.

„Why?” he asked simply and Javi blinked rapidly, confused.

„Because that wasn't cool?” he tried helplessly and Sergei sighed.

„Well, that's a shame.”

„I, umm, I- uh-” Javi rambled, confused beyond belief „I don't understand.”

He had no idea what was going on, but apparently Sergei was trolling him now, and if that was his punishment, Javi was going to take it.

„One question.” Sergei said suddenly, standing up, and Javi took one step back, just in case, pressing his shoulders to the door behind him „Did you want to kiss me or is it was some... moment thing?”

„I-” Javi stammered, looking anywhere but at Sergei's face, a lump forming in his throat „I guess I- I'm not sure.” he admitted miserably, looking down at his shoes.

He didn't know, truly. He had no damn idea.

„Okay.” Sergei said softly, and Javi realized that he was suddenly standing very close „That's fair.”

And before Javi could understand what was going on, Sergei took his face in his hands and kissed him, softly and slowly, and Javi's heart basically stopped for a moment. One of his hands grabbed the front of Sergei's shirt as he tried to achore himself. It took his body a moment to kicked into action, but Sergei pulled back before he could kiss him back properly.

„Oh.” Javi breathed out, feeling dumbfounded, and Sergei chuckled, running his thumb along Javi's jaw.

„Good oh or bad oh?” he asked and Javi exhaled shakily, hesitantly putting his hand on the back of Sergei's neck.

„I don't know yet.” he muttered and Sergei's eyes turned serious.

His lips parted and Javi knew that he was about to ask if he was okay, but Javi didn't really want to hear that. Because he was okay. A little bit dizzy, a bit more confused, but he was feeling good.

So before Sergei could say anything, or worse, draw back, Javi pulled him in for another kiss, faintly deciding to be more bold that time. Sergei made a little, surprized sound, but after a second he collected himself and kissing Javi deeply, pressing him against the surface of the door, and for the first time in forever Javi felt really, truly safe.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The shower story is real and taken from one of Sergei's interviews. Also I didn't go in full depth into his injury history because it would take very long, my poor boy.


	3. figuring out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi is confused and Sergei is perfect. Talks, kisses and slowly figuring each other out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of anxiety in this chapter, so read carefully if you're not comfortable with that topic.  
> Also, by the end things are getting a lil bit heated, but nothing really explicit.

 

Javi was confused.

Him and Sergei had kissed exactly two weeks ealier, and things were... surprizingly normal, and that what was freaking Javi out. Becuase everything was just like before, just now they would make out from time to time. Okay, maybe a lot. But beside that, everything was just like before. Sergei was his normal, funny self, picking Javi up after a fall and playing cards with him. It was so easy and comfortable, and Javi enjoyed every bit of that, but at the same time, he was feeling just a tiny bit unsure.

They didn't talk about it, at all. Javi had kissed Sergei, and then Sergei kissed him, and that was it. Not even a word about it, and Javi didn't know what to do about it. Well, to be honest, Javi didn't know what to say anyway. True, he had a little crush in here, and it wasn't anything too dramatic. But had no idea what was going on in Sergei's head, and that was stressing him out. Was it just some addition to their friendship? And if so, where were the boundries? All they had done so far was kissing but Javi couldn't help but... consider things. Sergei, on the other hand, looked pretty content with sticking to kissing and Javi was getting even more confused.

„Javi.” Sergei snapped his fingers right in front of his eyes, waking him up from his daze.  
„Hmm?”

„I'm going to the kitchen, I was asking if you want something.” Sergei smiled and Javi blinked rapidly, trying to gather his thoughts.

„No, I'm good, thanks.” he said and Sergei nodded, but then narrowed his eyes slightly.

„Everything okay?” he asked gently and Javi opened his mouth and then closed it, hesitating.

He knew that he could just ask. What was it, what Sergei was expecting from him. But then, he got scared that he would ruin... whatever that was. And he didn't want to ruin that, because it felt so nice, to finally have someone who would hold you and kiss you, and make you believe that you're not entirely alone.

„I'm good.” he said and Sergei gave him a questioning look.

„You look pale.” he said, gently touching Javi's brow „You sure you don't want anything to eat?” he asked, looking concerned, and Javi suddenly felt a lump forming in his throat. Sergei left a moment later and Javi was left with his even more confusing thoughts.

Because to be completely honest, Sergei was so completely out of his league it suddenly seemed almost tragic. Older, funny, with great smile and body Javi knew exactly how nice. He could probably charm any girl he would like, and a bunch of guys if he wanted to, but for some reason he sticked with Javi.

Maybe he was just bored?

„No, he's not like that.” Javi muttered to himself, shaking his head. Sergei wouldn't do that. They were friends, really good friends. Javi whined quietly and fell back on the bed, closing his eyes. Of course he had to come up with some drama, as if his troubles with skating weren't enough.

Sergei came back ten minutes later, and Javi still refused to open his eyes, until he heard quiet rattling next to his head. His eyes snapped open and he sat up abruptly, staring at the cup standing on his night table as if it was some alien object.

„I made you some tea.” Sergei said, sitting down on his own bed and grabbing a book „You don't have to drink it if you don't want it.” he added, smiling kindly, and Javi just had the weirdest of feelings.

He had to get things straight.

„Sergei-” he started slowly, his voice catching up in his throat „- what is it?”

„I'm not entirely sure, I totally stole it from Miki's cupboard.” Sergei said, smiling bashfully, and Javi shook his head.

„No, I mean-” he stuttered and then took a deep breath „- this. You and me.”

Sergei blinked rapidly and slowly put the book down, moving to sit on the edge of his bed.

„What do you want it to be?” he asked calmly and Javi's heart stuttered.

„What?” he screeched and Sergei sent him a crooked smile.

„Well, you kissed me first. So I guess you can answer that question first too.” he said and Javi's cheeks started to burn. He was so caught up in wondering what Sergei wanted that he didn't focus enough on his own feelings, still somehow stunned by what was happening. It didn't feel right, to bring that up when he didn't have an answer himself.

„I, umm- I mean-” he stuttered embarassingly, wishing for some force to strike him dead. He felt childish and stupid, and couldn't even look Sergei in the eyes anymore, so he chose to stare at his folded hands instead.

The silence stretched and the only think Javi could hear was his wildly beating heart. And then a deep sigh, quiet cracking of the bed, and a moment later he felt a warm hand on his cheek. He blinked rapidly and watched how Sergei slowly kneeled down in front of him, smiling gently.

„You're really confused, aren't you?” he muttered quietly and Javi bit his lips, his neck and face burning with embarassment. He wished he could be mature about it, know exactly what he wanted and what he was feeling.

„It's okay.” Sergei said, smiling kindly, his fingers still brushing Javi's cheek „I kissed you because I wanted to. Because I like you.”

„You like me?” Javi squeaked and Sergei made a face at him.

„What there's not to like?” he asked, flicking Javi's nose „You're nice, funny and attractive. Of course I like you.” he said as if it was nothing, while Javi's brain decided to obsess over the fact that Sergei thought he was attractive.

„I like you too.” he managed to say and Sergei smirked.

„Of course you do, I caught you looking a few times.” he said, wiggling his eyebrows and Javi groaned with embrassment, making Sergei chuckle. The knot in Javi's stomach loosened up a little, although his mind was still full with questions and exclamation marks.

Sergei sighed quietly and then took Javi's hands, squeezing them gently.

„You do what you want, okay? We can just... flow and see where it goes, if it goes somewhere at all.” Sergei said quietly and Javi's heart fluttered „And if at any point you feel uncomfortable, you tell me, okay? You tell me, so I can kiss you one more time, and we're good.” Sergei added, smiling gently „Okay?”

Javi's breathing hitched as his heart jumped into his throat. He looked into Sergei's eyes, bright and honest, and he decided that he couldn't be scared, not about that.

„Okay.” he breathed out and the surged forward, pressing his lips against Sergei's with such force Sergei fell on the floor, pulling Javi with him.

„Wow.” Sergei chuckled as Javi started laughing hysterically against his neck „I didn't expect that much enthusiasm.”

„Sorry.” Javi muttered sheepishly and raising on his elbows to look Sergei in the face „I- I'm gonna figure it out, okay?”

Sergei's expression softened as he touched Javi's temple before cupping his cheek, smiling at him.

„Okay.” he whispered and then Javi kissed him again, not even minding that they were still lying on the floor and Sergei's body was now shaking with laughter.

 

* * *

 

Some people said that Javi was like an open book, and he would agreed, for most of the times. Usually ge didn't even try to hide stuff from people, except of a few things.

Sergei already knew about his sleeping problems; Javi was sure that he had woken him up a few times already with his talking and turning, but Sergei never complained.

But there were things that Javi didn't want him to know; or more, he didn't know how to say it.

But then, the day came.

Javi had a rough practice, his heart growing heavier and heavier with every fall, with every stumble. Sergei was giving him worried looks from time to time, but Javi decided to ignore him, desperately trying to focus and just do _something_. By the end of the session he just wanted to crawl into bed and maybe cry a little bit.

But then Nikolai called him over and spent solid fifteen minutes on pointing all mistakes Javi had done earlier- which Javi accepted despite the biting tone, since it was some feedback. But then his coach followed with much less constructive remarks, something about disappointment and burned out potential.

Javi felt his heart starting to pound and his skin was itching, and when Nikolai finally let him go he basically ran to the locker room. Thankfully, the place was empty, because apparently all of the guys had left already. Javi was grateful for that.

He slumped on the nearest bench and tried to catch a breath, but it felt like his heart was so big there was not enough space for his lungs.

„You're good, you're good, it's okay.” he told himself, his voice turning into a whimper. His hands started to shake and there was and awful, painful pressure in his chest, and Javi could feels tears prickling in the corners of his eyes.

He grabbed the edge of the bench, trying to anchor himself, trying to focus on breathing.

He was okay, it would be okay.

„Javi?”

He didn't know how Sergei got there, but suddenly he was kneeling in front of Javi, his eyes full of worry.

„Javi? What's going on?” Sergei asked, panic flashing through his face when he took a good look at Javi's pale face „Shit, do you need me to get someone?”

Javi shook his head, breathing erratically. Sergei's expression twisted and he looked torn, clearly now knowing what to do, and Javi could feel himself getting dizzy.

„It's gonna be okay.” Sergei said, his voice just a little bit shaky „I'm here, don't worry, it's all gonna be okay.”

He kept talking and Javi tried to focus on that instead, and after a few minutes his heartbeat started to slow down.

„I'm okay.” he choked out finally, but Sergei's expression didn't change.

„Do you need something?” he asked worryingly „Water, or maybe I should really call-”

„It's okay. I'm good.” Javi said tiredly „What are you doing here?”

„I was waiting for you outside.” Sergei said and Javi nodded slowly.

„Can we go home?” he asked hollowly and Sergei sighed quietly.

„Of course.”

When they got back Javi immediately locked himself in the bathroom, since he hadn't showered at the rink. Now, standing under the hot stream, he could feel his muscles relaxing slowly. It had been months since he had had a panic attack, and that one hit him hard, because it was kind of unexpected.

Javi sighed deeply. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically, and he just hoped that he could get some good sleep.

He could feel Sergei's eyes on him when he walked back into the room and started throwing his clothes to the closet.

„Everything okay?” Sergei asked tentatively and for the first time since forever, Javi felt slightly irritated, his stomach churning weirdly.

„I'm good.” he said, his tongue feeling stiff.

„Javi-”

„I'm fine!” he snapped, turning around and meeting Sergei's surprized gaze, and he immediately felt small and lost „I don't need your pity.” he added pathetically and Sergei's face turned unreadable.

Javi knew that he wasn't fair right now, and he felt bad, but he suddenly wasn't able to formulate more words.

A corner of Sergei's mouth twitched, but he didn't say anything. Instead of that, he reached out and touched Javi's cheek gently.

„Try to get some rest.” he said before turning around and leaving the room.

Javi felt a little bit sick.

He flopped on the bed and closed his eyes, hoping that he would fall asleep soon.

He didn't.

He spent solid forty minutes on turning from side to side and trying not to think too much about how he had acted like a jerk.

So after forty minutes he kicked the blanket off, grabbed his hoodie and ran downstairs. He almost screeched when he bumped into Miki, who was just exiting the kitchen.

„You're going out at this hour?” she asked, narrowing her eyes, and he chuckled nervously.

„I'm going for a quick run before sleep.” he said and she nodded slowly.

„Be carefeul.” she said and Javi flashed her a smile before exiting the house.

He didn't have to look for long- Sergei was sitting on a low wall, his back to the house and feet on the pavement. Javi swallowed nervously before approaching him slowly and sitting next to him.

„I'm sorry.” Javi said quietly after a long moment of silence „It wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry.”

„I get it.” Sergei said with a shrug „I just wanted to give you some time alone.”

„I don't need time alone.” Javi muttered before carefully resting his head on Sergei's shoulder „I'm real-”

„Stop.” Sergei said, gently but sternly, and then „How long?”

„Few years.”

„And who knows?”

„My family.” Javi said quietly „You.”

Sergei sighed quietly, wrapping one arm around Javi's shoulders and pulling him closer.

„So what should I do if it happens again?”

„You did good.” Javi said, closing his eyes for a moment „Just- just be with me.”

„Okay.” Sergei said quietly, pressing a soft kiss to Javi's temple „I can do that.”

 

* * *

 

Things were good, in the next few days. Javi got a grip and his practices looked better, and he was constantly teasing Sergei about his Moulin Rouge short. And it was good between them too, as they were slowly and steadily growing closer together, between talks and kisses and smiles shared across the ice. Javi was so comfortable with Sergei, more than with anyone else in a long time, and he could feel something shifting, inprinting in his bones with every passing day.

They were learning each others habits, rituals and flaws. For example Sergei's jokes just on the border of being inappropriate, the tea he was preparing was alway too strong, and he could spend three hours on the phone with his mother. But Javi was okay with all of that, the same way how Sergei was okay with Javi's messy nature and waking him up patiently every other morning.

 

 

Javi opened his eyes slowly, his dizzy mind registering that he was pressed against someone's warm body. It took him a moment to realize that it was probably Sergei's bed, since his last memory from the night before was cuddling and telling each other silly childhood stories.

„Mhh.” he hummed, nuzzling his face into the soft fabric and then a strong arm wrapped around him, pulling him even closer.

„Morning.” he heard Sergei's sleepy voice and felt a kiss pressed to his forehead „You slept well?”

„I'm still sleeping.” Javi muttered and Sergei chuckled quietly, kissing him again.

It was so nice, to bask in the warmth and closeness, and Javi's muscles relaxes, letting him stay in this warm state, Sergei's hand caressing the small of his back and lips brushing his forehead and cheeks.

Javi sighed happily, hiding his face against Sergei's chest and then he jolted awake with a sudden realization that he had a _problem_.

And what was the worst, there was no chance that Sergei didn't realize that already.

They totally had seen each other naked- or almost naked before- but they didn't do anything still, and they didn't even talk about it, and now Javi was very awake, very embarassed and very terrified.

„Ummm.” he stammered, trying to slowly detach himself from Sergei's embrace „I'm gonna go, I need to-” his voice died in his throat when he saw Sergei's knowing smirk.

„Oh Javi.” Sergei giggled, kissing his temple before suddenly flipping the over so Javi was lying on his back, flushed and embarassed „Don't make this face at me.” he said, kissing Javi's scrunched nose.

Javi whined quietly, trapped under Sergei's strong body. He was embarassed and aroused, and it was becoming a real torture. He just needed to get away and take care of it, but Sergei didn't show any intention in letting him go. Instead of moving away, he leaned down and kissed Javi, deep and hot, and Javi melted under his touch, the warmth of Sergei's body seeping through their clothes and to Javi's skin.

They kept on kissing for a while, one of Sergei's hands sneaking under Javi's shirt and grazing his skin, making him tremble; he suddenly forgot why he had felt so ashamed just a moment before when it all felt so right and warm and perfectly good.

After who knows how long Sergei drew back, but before Javi could take a deep breath and clear his mind, Sergei moved his lips to Javi's neck and everything went through the window.

„You know-” Sergei muttered against his collarbone„- I'm really flattered.”

„Mhh.” Javi let out eloquently and Sergei chuckled, grinding his hips gently and Javi had to bit back a moan.

Sergei moved lower, bunching Javi's t- shirt and kissing over his stomach, giggling quietly as if it was the best fun.

„You're too skinny.” he said suddenly and Javi let out a shaky laugh.

„Really, this is wha- oh” he yelped when he felt teeth grazing his skin and then a soothing kiss pressed to the same spot.

It was dizzy and warm and lazy, and Javi's mind was blurred, lost in all of that, and he didn't really think where it was going until he didn't notice Sergei's fingers catching the waistband of his pants. He was pretty sure he made some weird sound, because Sergei looked up at him suddenly, his expression gentle.

„If you feel uncomfortable at any point, you just let me know, right?”

„Right.” Javi nodded, his throat and lips going dry „I trust you.” he added, softly, and Sergei smiled at him sweetly before continuing his job with pulling Javi's pants off.

Javi breathed out deeply and leaned back, closing his eyes and failing at trying to control his heartbeat. He wondered dizziily how much time they had before they would have to got up, but then he felt warm lips against his thigh and all his thoughts evaporated.

„Ohh.” he whimpered quietly, blindly reaching out with his hand, and a second later he felt Sergei's warm fingers entwining with his.

„It's all good, I've got you.” he heard Sergei's distant voice and then he felt hot lips wrapping around him and Javi moaned quietly.

Sergei certainly knew what he was doing, because in mere minutes Javi was a trembling mess, his breathing hard and his skin burning. The pleasure was building inside him steadily but quickly, with every touch and move of Sergei's lips.

Javi tried his best to keep his noise down, but it was getting harder and harder with every moment, and he was just praying that Florent was still asleep or already out.

„I- I'm-” he babbled, words dying in his throat, but Sergei got what he meant; he squeezed Javi's hand, his moves speeding up, and a moment later was blinded with a wave of pleasure so strong it felt like his body stopped functioning for a moment. Lost in his bliss, he could barely register Sergei's soothing touches, shifting of his body and a faint noise of wood and glass.

Javi was keeping his eyes closed, his breathing still erratic as he was coming down from his high.

„You good?” Sergei asked tentatively, fingers brushing Javi's hair from his sweaty forehead.  
„Alive.” Javi managed to get out and a moment later he could feel the faintest brush of Sergei's lips against his.

„Good.” Sergei chuckled and then lay down next to Javi, looking at him with a smile, and Javi smiled back, lazily and happily. He hadn't felt that relaxed in ages and he sighed quietly, because for a moment everything was good in the world.

He didn't know how much time passed before Sergei poked his nose playfully.

„We need to get up if we want to grab some breakfast before training.” he said and Javi whined.

„I don't want food, I want five more minutes of sleep.” he said and Sergei laughed.

„Fine, but I'm going downstairs. I'm really hungry.” he said with a smirk, sitting up, and suddenly Javi's brain caught up with everything what had just happened.

Oh god.

He closed his eyes.

Oh.

What was the protocol now?

He opened one eye just in time to see Sergei putting on his jeans and damn, he was way too attractive. Also, he had just made Javi felt really, _really_ good, which only made his heart beat even faster.

„Umm, Sergei?” he managed to say, sitting up slowly. Sergei turned to look at him, his face a picture of innocent interest, and Javi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. What he should do now? Flirt? Offer to return a favour?

„Thank you.” he stuttered finally and immediately wished for a sudden death.

Sergei laughed- of course he did- and then leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

„You're so cute.” he said fondly „I'll make you a sandwich or something, so hurry up.” he added before rushing out and leaving Javi speechless.

 

 


	4. soft

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking, learning new things, and a shadow of a doubt appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter contains some mild sexual content, nothing too explicit, but read carefully if you're not comfortable!

 

It was a few days after their... morning activities, and they still hadn't talked about it, and Javi was dying inside. Sergei didn't mention in even once and apparently didn't expect Javi to return the favour, which was kinda nice, but also kinda frustrating.

Because Javi had to face the truth- he was nineteen, basically living with his hot... boyfriend, apparently, and he kind of wanted to take things to the next level. He guessed that would be healthy solution for them both, because he knew that he wasn't the only one getting aroused by their making out sometimes, but Sergei never touched the topic. It was a bit frustrating, but Javi knew Sergei well enough to know that he probably didn't want to put any pressure on him. Which was sweet, but also making Javi squirm.

So Javi knew he had to be the one to start talking.

Somehow he got enough courage in the middle of a heated make out session, sitting on Sergei's lap.

„Mhh Sergei?” he mumbled against Sergei's lips and „I want to talk about something.”

„Sure.” Sergei muttered, moving his lips to Javi's neck „Feel free.”

„Great.” Javi gasped, trying to stay focused „So I- I wanted to talk about, um, sex stuff.” he blurted out and Sergei froze for a moment before drawing back a little.

„Sex stuff?” he asked, raising his eyebrows, and Javi could feel himself blushing.

„I just- I thought- I mean if you want-” he rambled, suddenly shy, and Sergei chuckled, his hands moving soothingly on Javi's back.

„If you're asking if I want to have sex with you, then the answer is yes.” he said and Javi's heart skipped a beat „I mean, who wouldn't want to.”

„Stooop.” Javi whined, embarassed, hiding his face in the crook of Sergei's neck „Don't make fun of me.”

„We need to work on your self esteem.” Sergei announced, kissing his temple and then gently forcing Javi to look at him „Now, back to the sex talk.” he exclaimed, grinning „What do you want to do?”

It all sounded blunt and straightforward, but that was how they had to communicate, since English wasn't their first language and they didn't want any misunderstandings in that matter.

„So-” Javi started, swallowing hard „- I liked, uh, you know, a few days ago? It was nice.” he stammered, his cheeks burning at that point „And I think I could, ahh, do the same, if you like?” he offered and Sergei grinned at him.

„I would definitely like.” he said, clearly surpressing a laughter „Is that everything or-?”

„Uh, so I think I would want to try, umm, you know...” Javi rambled, embarassed, his fingers playing with a hem of Sergei's shirt.

„To fuck?” Sergei asked politely and Javi screeched.

„For the lack of the better word- yes.” Javi admitted, looking down, and Sergei laughed, his arms curling around Javi's waist.

„You don't have to be so shy around me, you know?” he said softly, and Javi sighed deeply.

„I know, I just- I was never with a guy.”

„Don't worry.” Sergei said, pressing a kiss to his cheek „I've a pretty good feeling about it, based on what I already saw-”

„Oh my god!” Javi screeched, hitting Sergei's chest „You're the worst!”

„You don't know that yet.” Sergei and all Javi could do was to kiss that smug grin off of his face.

 

So, they tried some things, slowly and without rush, when they were sure that there was no risk of someone catching them. They both knew that they couldn't allow people know about that... thing, between them. Javi was pretty sure Nikolai would get pissed enough to kick them out, and if it got out, they both would be screwed.

Javi enjoyed all of that, discovering each other's bodies, learning what to do and how to make each other feel good. But it also made Javi craving for more, and after two weeks they finally got an opportunity, when the rest of the group decided to go for a weekend trip to New York. Javi wouldn't go anyway, trying to save as much money as possible, and Sergei told everyone he just didn't feel like sightseeing.

And then they were, lying on a bed, Javi's body tense with anticipation.

„Try to relax, okay?” Sergei said, his expression soft and serious, his hand moving slowly between Javi's legs.

„I'm very rela- oh.” Javi breathed at the new sensation „Ohhhh.”

It was new, and suprizing, and it took Javi a moment to get used to the new sensation. Sergei was slow and careful, his lips touching Javi's neck and face soothingly.

Javi closed his eyes, breathing deeply and allowing himself to just feel, get lost. It was so new, but he trusted Sergei, and he knew that he would take good care of him.

They started kissing at some point, and Javi didn't know how long they stayed like that, touching and chuckling quietly from time to time, their bodies pressed against each other in a perfect intimacy.

„Okay.” Sergei muttered against Javi's lips before withdrawing and sitting on his heels „You feel good?”

„I'll feel better if you come back here.” Javi whined and Sergei laughed shortly.

„So impatient.” he said, shaking his head and reaching behind him to grab what they had left there before and what they really needed now.

Javi watched how Sergei quickly prepared himself, and he felt a shiver of anticipation, but also his heart skipped a beat, a little bit nervously. And then Sergei smiled, bright and warm, and Javi smiled back, and suddenly everything started to feel like in slow motion. Javi closed his eyes, throwing his head back, and let his body take everything in, that overwhleming sensation that was both foreign but also oh so welcomed.

Sergei let out a deep, shaky breath and then slowly leaned forward, his elbows braced on the both sides of Javi's head.

„Hey.” he said softly, touching Javi's cheek „You good in here?”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed, opening his eyes a little „Just- just need a moment.”

Sergei smiled, and kissed his forehead, and nose, and then lips, and Javi's whole body relaxed.

„Okay.” he breathed out finally and Sergei nodded, a flash of doubt on his face before he withdrew slowly and then moved forward at the same steady pace. Javi could sense that it was challenging for the other, not to rush anything, he could see that on Sergei's focused face, feel it in the trembling of his muscles. He felt a wave of fondness crashing in his chest, mixing with his arousal and making his body jolt.

So he lifted one of his legs slowly and wrapped it around Sergei's waist, making him groan.

„Are you trying to kill me, baby.” he asked shakily and Javi felt a shiver running down his spine at the name.

„That's how I plan to end all my competitors.” he answered, making Sergei laugh, but his chuckle turned into a curse when Javi started slowly moving his hips, letting out quiet whimpers of pleasure.

They didn't have to talk now, their bodies working together now like they always were meant to be like that, pleasure and heat building between them until Javi's mind gave up and he let himself fall into the pure feeling, waves of pleasure crashing in his body until he couldn't hold it in anymore and the world went white, swallowing him whole.

 

 

Javi felt soft kisses pressed against his temple and then travelling down to his jaw, and he opened his eyes with difficulty.

„Hmmm.” he muttered, turning his head to the side and meeting Sergei's smiling face „Hi.”

„Hello.” Sergei said, pecking him on the lips „I was starting to worry.”

„I can't feel my fingers.” Javi whined and Sergei chuckled, kissing him again.

„I will take it as a compliment.”

„It is. The best compliment.” Javi said, blinking to get rid of fog in his eyes, and then he bit his lips, worry creeping to the back of his head „I hope that, umm, you liked it too.” he said bashfully, looking down, and Sergei sighed deeply.

„Javi-” he said, his fingers grabbing Javi's chin and forcing him to look up „What did I say about yout self esteem?” he asked softly and Javi's cheeks started heating up „Already can't wait for the next time.”

„Stoop.” Javi whined, but Sergei only grinned.

„What? I'm being very serious now, I got so lucky you decided you want to have sex with me.”

„I'm more lucky.” Javi said quietly, his throat suddenly tight. Because he really was so goddamn lucky, that he got to have someone not only fun, but also caring and uderstanding and just kind.

Also, really hot and _really_ good in bed.

They spent the next half an hour or even more on just lazing in bed, before they both got hungry and padded to the kitchen downstairs.

„Okay, we've rice and fish fingers.” Javi said after examining the fridge and cupboards „Sounds good?”

„Perfect.” Sergei smiled, flicking the kettle on and opening a drawer „Okay, I'm stealing Florent's tea, because I don't have any.”

„You're hopeless.” Javi chuckled, shaking his head.

They prepared their food and drinks, talking or staying silent, and feeling perfectly comfortable.

„Almost like home.” Sergei joked and Javi rolled his eyes.

„One day I should cook you a paella, a real one.” he said and Sergei smiled.

„Can't wait.” he said but then his face turned thoughtful „Javi... you know that when we go back to Moscow, I can't stay with you?”

Javi almost dropped his fork.

„What? Why?” he asked, cringing at the whiny tone of his voice.

„Nikolai talked to me about it.” Sergei said, wincing slightly „You know that I'm from Moscow, and that my parents live there- he made it clear I shouldn't expect anything from him.”

„Yeah, of course, I understand.” Javi stuttered through his clenched throat. He was feeling stupid, for acting like that. But he was so used to Sergei's comfortable presence, that now a thought about losing it felt like a stone in his stomach.

„Hey.” Sergei took his hand, thumb brushing his palm gently „I'm still gonna be there, on trainings, and after. I just won't be staying with you for 24 hours.”

That all made sense. Moreover, Javi felt that it would be probably good for them and whole thing between them. To think, analyze, maybe catch some distance, figure their feelings out.

Still, it stang, a little bit. Because now, when Javi finally found some piece of warmth and normality in here, he would have to let go.

„I know.” he said finally, putting on the best smile he could „That's fine.”

Sergei's expression was conflicted, as if he wasn't conviced at all, and Javi felt guilty. Sergei was already giving him so much, never demanding anything in return; and who knew, maybe this whole thing would end the moment they would cross the ocean, as if it had never happened. He looked at Sergei, who was still watching him carefully, and his throat started itching.

He was so stupid, sometimes.

He dropped his gaze to the table in front of him and Sergei sighed quietly before letting go of Javi's hand and collecting all the dishes.

Javi was still staring down, and then he felt a gentle hand on the back of his neck.

„Hey.” he said quietly „Why the sad face? You know I can't stand the sad face.”

Javi sighed deeply, leaning his head against Sergei's side.

„I'm just thinking.” he murmured „How great it will be without your snoring.”

Sergei chuckled at thet, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the top of Javi's head.

„And there is your funny side.” he said softly „I like it a lot.”

„Oh you do?” Javi asked, looking up at him and meeting Sergei's smiling eyes, and he told himself firmly not to overcomplicate that. Maybe the beauty of what they had was exactly in the way they kept it easy and simple.

Maybe there would never be more, and maybe it would end soon, clean and easy, just like it had started.

So Javi smiled, stood up and took Sergei's hand, their fingers linked together.

„Come on.” he said, tugging Sergei's hand „I'm gonna show you my funny side.”

 

 


	5. hurt and hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soft angst, soft smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but feels packed! And yet again, mild smut in here, I think I need to start thinking about upping the rating huh

It was almost funny, how no one noticed.

To be fair, they weren't showing off, but Javi still found it hilarious. They kept it simple, still; helping each other out during trainings, joking around in the kitchen, and no one even looked at them twice, busy with their own lives and careers. They go out with others, sometimes, five, six, seven people, and they would smile at each other from across the table.

„How are you, Javi?” Miki asked once, when she walked into the kitchen while he was washing dishes.

„Good, good.” he smiled, shrugging, and she tilted her head.

„That's good.” she said slowly, giving him a small smile „I just- you seem happy. Happier.” she added and then flinched, like she said too much.

„It's okay.” Javi reassured her quickly „And you? Everything fine?”

„Yes.” she nodded, her smile dimmed „Excited for the season. I'll see you later, Javi.”

She left, and Javi shook his head, wincing.

He had lied to her.

Because the truth was- he wasn't good, not really. Sometimes it was better, and he could almost ignore the voice in the back of his head, telling him that he was just lonely and homesick and useless. Sometimes he felt home, that maybe better days would come, that maybe he would become better, faster, and maybe finally he would prove that he was worth something.

Maybe, someday, he would be able to have a full night sleep.

Maybe. Someday.

 

* * *

 

Javi wasn't feeling good.

It was their last say in the US and they all decided to go out as a whole group, a bunch of people. Javi was feeling uneasy the whole day, as if there was something heavy and hot settled in his chest, making it heard to take a deep breath. So when Sergei asked easily if he wanted to go out with everybody else, he said yes.

And now he was tipsy.

Technically, no one should sell him alcohol, but Florent managed to charm the bartender with his French accent and blinding smile, so drinks weren't a problem. Or maybe they were a problem, for Javi. Because now the lights were too bright and music was too loud, but not loud enough to muffle his own thoughts.

He was feeling oddly vulnerable, surrounded by people he knew for years now, but did he, really, know them? Did they know him? They were his colleagues, or competitors, and somehow they were still strangers, and Javi felt small and very, very lonely.

„Javi? You okay?”

Javi raised his hand and saw Valentina's concerned face.

„I'm fine.” he said slowly and she didn't look convinced. Javi liked Valentina; she was nice and funny, treating him like her younger brother, and her Italian accent reminded him of home somehow.

„Hey.” he heard another familiar voice and then there was Sergei, standing by Vale's side „Everything good?”

„I think Javi had one too many.” Vale laughed nervously and Javi winced.

„I didnt, I just-” he cut himself off, because he almost told them that he was just feeling sad, a little bit.

„You want me to take you home?” Sergei asked, tilting his head, and Javi smiled at him, with all he had and what he felt, and Sergei's face softened.

„Yes.” Javi said quietly, standing up, and he noticed how Vale's eyes twinkled, as if she could see something Javi himself couldn't understand yet.

Outside, Javi took a deep breath, closing his eyes. His heartbeat was quicker, and he wondered if it was because of alcohol too.

„Javi.” Sergei said softy, touching his shoulder „You sure you okay?”

Javi took in a deep breath and turned to look at him. Everything was so sharp, suddenly, in the suprizingly sharp light of the streetlights, and Javi couldn't breathe.

„No.” he said, wrapping his arms around Sergei's neck and hiding his face in his shoulder „I don't think so.”

Sergei didn't say anything, just hugged him too, his hand moving on Javi's back soothingly.

Javi was grateful for the silence- he didn't know what to say anyway.

Then they walked back home, slowly, and at some point Sergei took his hand, as if it was the most natural gesture and not the first time they did that.

He didn't know what was going on in Sergei's head, but he apparently thought Javi was drunk, because he sat him on his bed and said he would bring him some water. But Javi wasn't drunk and the reason why he was feeling slightly sick wasn't alcohol.

„Don't go.” he said, grabbing Sergei's hand and tugging him closer „Don't.”

„Javi, wha-” Sergei started, but Javi didn't let him, pulling him on the bed and kissed him, deep and needy, his hands clutching Sergei's shirt almost desperately.

Sergei hesitated at first, muttering something, but then he finally gave in, wrapping his arms around Javi and kissing him back, and Javi felt like he could finally breathe, if he tried real hard.

It was feverish, and rushed, and different that all the times before, and suddenly Javi was sittting in Sergei's lap, his body trembling with effort, his muscles burning.

„Hey, hey, slow down.” Sergei breathed out, his hands grasping Javi's hips „Can't you talk to me?”

Javi shook his head, because he didn't want to talk, beacuse he was bad at words, but he was good at _that,_ at moving his body and drawing whimpers from both of them.

There was a voice in the back of his head, telling him that maybe he was being dramatic. That nothing was ending, except of the summer, but the weight in his chest was still pressing against his ribs, and Javi knew it always was there and it would be there, no matter how hard he tried.

He opened his eyes and looked at Sergei, his face a mix of concern and pleasure, and something twisted inside of him.

„I'm sorry.” he murmured, leaning his forehead against Sergei's, moving faster „I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” he repeated and then leaned forward, kissing Sergei before he could say anything.

He felt like he wasn't fair, and that thought was making him sick. Because he wasn't fair, since the very beggining, only taking, being greedy and not really offering anything in return. Maybe he had been expecting too much, that the piece of ice in chest would melt somehow, but it was still there, and Javi wasn't sure if anyone could make it melt.

„Javi-” Sergei said against his lips, his voice strangled, his body still moving in perfect rhythm with Javi's „Why are you crying?” he breathed out and Javi realized that he was crying indeed, tears burning in his eyes.

He didn't answer, just moved faster, clutching to Sergei's shoulders and chasing his release, dizzily thinking that maybe that would somehow fixed everything what was wrong in his life.

 

He slumped against Sergei's chest, panting heavily, his body still trembling with tears and echo of pleasure. Sergei was breathing rapidly against his neck, his heartbeat slowing down against Javi's.

He was still holding Javi close, safe, and Javi slowly started to realize what exactly had happened, and something burned inside him bitterly.

He felt bad with himself, but when was the last time he felt really, truly good?

„I'm sorry.” he muttered weakly, drawing back slowly and wincing at the unpleasant feeling. He scrambled onto his feet, not having enough courage to look Sergei in the face „I'm gonna-” he stuttered, but Sergei surged forward, suddenly, grabbing his hand. He basically dragged Javi to the bathroom, and Javi was too stunned and confused to say or do anything.

He only found his voice when Sergei stood in front of him and turned the water on, warm stream falling on their heads and running down their bodies.

„I'm-” he started but Sergei shook his head and then took Javi's face in his hands.

„Don't say that you're sorry.” he said, his voice catching in his throat „And don't be sorry. Just talk to me.”

Javi swallowed hard. He didn't want to talk about it, but he also knew that Sergei deserved to hear what was going on and why Javi was acting like that, like everything was going to slip through his fingers.

„I don't feel good.” he said finally, looking down „Here.” he added, touching his chest „Like I can't breathe, sometimes.”

Sergei didn't say anything, his thumbs painting circles on Javi's cheeks, so Javi finally looked at him, and saw only kindness.

„I just feel like my life isn't okay.” he admitted quietly „And you- you make it better. But it's still so much, I-” he braced himself, swallowing hard and carefully placing his hand on Sergei's chest „Sometimes I feel like I'm using you.” he whispered, half hoping that his words would drown in the sound of water.

They didn't.

„I know.” Sergei said, his expression still gentle „I know, and it's okay.” he ran his hand through Javi's hair and then placed it on the back of his neck „You put too much pressure on yourself.” he murmured, touching Javi's cheek briefly „And the only thing I want is for you to talk to me.”

„You're too kind for me.” Javi said, the lump in his throat growing bigger and bigger „Why are you so kind to me?”

„I guess I'm weak for you.” Sergei chuckled quietly, shaking his head, and Javi's heart clenched painfully.

He wished it was easier, he wished he had some answers, and he wished he knew how he felt.

Maybe it would be nice, to fall in love. But that would also made his life, their lives, even more complicated. Now things were simple, still, despite Javi's messy emotions.

Sergei smiled, softly, and Javi realized that whatever happens, they would still be friends. No matter if they would become something more, or not, they would still be there, just like they had started.

„Thank you.” Javi muttered quietly „For everything.”

Sergei flicked Javi's nose, smiling.

„The pleasure is mine.” he said, a shadow of smirk on his lips before he sobered up „Just- don't scare me like that anymore.”

Javi knew what he meant- his frigid, weird behaviour before, and Javi's cheeks burned. He wanted to apologize again, but he knew Sergei wouldn't like it, so he just nodded.

„Okay.” he said tightly „I'll try my best.”

Sergei chuckled and kissed his forehead, and then they got back to their room. Later, when they were peacefully tucked under a blanket, Javi finally felt like the pressure in his chest was becoming a little bit lighter.

 

* * *

 

They weren't supposed to sit next to each other on the plane to Moscow, but Vale grinned at them and asked Javi if he would like to switch seats.

„I think she suspects something.” Javi muttered and Sergei flinched.

„You want me to talk to her?”

„I think we're safe.” Javi said slowly „She's cool. We can see how it goes.”

„Okay.” Sergei said with a smile that quickly became a grin „So, you're gonna miss me?”

„Not at all.” Javi said, lying only a little bit „Like you said, you'll still be around. It's just going to be difficult to have sex, since you're going back to your parents.” he noted and Sergei gaped.

„I knew you liked me only for my body!” he whispered, pretending to be offended, and then grinned „But I'm actually thinking about renting something, we'll see how it goes.”

They bickered a little, and then fell into comfortable, familiar silence, and after some time Javi heard Sergei's regular, deep breathing.

He suddenly wondered how he would be able to fall asleep without that comforting sound next to him.

 


	6. I know that you care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moscow, talks and slow realizations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: yo no man can be that perfect  
> Javi: but he is  
> me:... valid

 

Javi spent first two days after coming to Moscow on sleeping and battling jet lag, but then they all had to go back on the ice. Trainings were going exactly like in the US, familiar and a bit unsettling, and Javi just sighed internally. Some things never changed, and the thought appeared in his mind, that maybe he could start considering a change, but he quickly got rid of that idea. He had to focus on the season and not some stupid plans; he just had to try harder and it would be okay.

Good thing was that his relationship with Sergei didn't change a bit. Javi had been a little scared, that maybe coming to Moscow would put some distance between them. But after the first training they ended up kissing in the showers.

It was different than in the US, but not worse. Javi had to get used to being on his own in the room, and it took him a few days to grow fully comfortable. And it was better, maybe, than him and Sergei weren't next too each other 24/7. The summer had been dizzy and warm and comfortable, but the season was almost there and Javi knew that he had to focus on that, on slowly moving forward, making progress, trying to get better. He knew that he was reckless, in a need of guidance, and he tried the best he could do by himself, but it was so damn hard.

He didn't push Sergei away, though, he would never do that. But now, during long sleepless nights that he spent all by himself, he had some time to think. And the thing was- he liked Sergei. So much. It was a deep, strong friendship, based on mutual understanding and some kind of attraction. And it was fair, Javi thought, as long as it wasn't affecting their lives and careers in a bad way. Sergei was still the best thing that happened to Javi since leaving Spain years before, and Javi was almost desperate to keep him by his side. He was making him feel safe and warm, and Javi just hoped it could last for a little bit longer.

He still didn't know where it would go, or where he wanted it to go, that thing between them. All he knew was that it was a part of the reason he was still afloat.

 

„Any plans for today?” Sergei asked when they were changing after practice and Javi made a face.

„Do I ever have a plan?”

„Valid.” Sergei chuckled „Let's go grab some food.”

Javi grinned in a response, nodding quickly and watching himself not to say too much; there were other people around and they both knew that they couldn't let people know what was going on between them, because that would be a disaster. So they kept it light and friendly, and not suspicious at all.

Sergei took him to some traditional restaurant that probably had never been visited by tourists, and they had so much fun joking and eating all the delicious food Javi almost forgot existed.

„So, what were you doing for the past few days?” Javi asked and Sergei smiled widely.

„Catching up with old friends. Visiting neighbourhood.” he said and his face lit up.

Javi chuckled queietly, watching Sergei's expression; it was so clear that Sergei was so happy to come back to Moscow, to his city, adn Javi's heart squeezed.

„You should show me around.” he said bluntly and then quickly added „If you have time, of course.”

Sergei's smiled turned soft and his knee touched Javi's under the table.

„I would love to.” he said quietly, his eyes sparkling „It can be our second date.”

„Second date?” Javi stuttered, almost choking on his drink, and Sergei's smile turned into a grin.

„Of course.” he said lowly „This is the first one. Bit late, but always.” he added, and then tilted his head „Unless you don't want more dates?”

„No, no.” Javi said quickly „I want dates. Definitely.”

Twenty minutes later they were making out in an alley and Javi gasped quietly, because damn, he kinda missed having it on daily basis.

„I miss you.” he blurted out against Sergei's lips and felt two strong hands on his hips.

„I'm here.” Sergei muttered and kissed him once again before withdrawing with a sigh „By the way-” he said, his thumb tracing Javi's eyebrow „- your invited for a dinner at my place. My mom wants to meet you.” he explained and Javi almost choked on air.

„Did you- did you tell her? About us?” he asked and Sergei made a face at him.

„I wouldn't do that without asking you first.” he said and Javi felt stupid „I just told her you're my friend and she wants too meet you.” he tilted his head, smile appearing on his face „But she can suspect something. She's my bestest friend. But if you don't feel like it, it's totally fine.” he added gently and Javi swallowed hard. It was just a dinner invitation and there was no reason to freak out, but he couldn't help but feel a bit weird, as if was something more.

But it was just Sergei, his funny, wonderful friend, why would he dread having a dinner with him and his mother?

„I'd love to.”

 

Sergei's mom was tiny and blonde, with tired eyes and kind smile.

„Hello, Javi!” she welcomed him brightly „It's so nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!” she added and then looked at him curiously, making a disapproving face „You're so skinny!”

„Mom.” Sergei said pointedly and she rolled her eyes at him.

„I'm a mother, I'll always say that you need to eat more. Go and sit, the food is almost ready.”

She didn't speak English at all and Javi had to try really hard to summon his poor Russian skills, but they managed to have some kind of a conversation with some major help from Sergei's side.

„How long are you training here?” she asked and Javi scrunched his nose.

„I left Spain when I was seventeen, then I went to the US, and Latvia, and Moscow, and-”

„So young!” she explained with a frown „What did your parents say?”

„They were worried, but they believed it would be good for me.” Javi explained and she nodded slowly.

„I understand.” she said „When Sergei went to Petersburg he was so young, I went with him. And now he's back here, too.” she said, giving Sergei a smile „It's good, to have a child home.”

„You know I'm all grown up now.” Sergei remarked and she snorted.

„For me you're still twelve, with a broken collarbone and arguing that you won't quit skating.” she waved a fork at him „One more injury and I'm not letting you do that anymore.” she threatened and he laughed shortly.

„Of course.” he said sarcastically and she sighed.

„He's so stubborn.” she said, turning to Javi, and he grinned.

„He is.” he said, maybe a bit softer than he intended to, and Sergei smiled at him, a short, private smile that made Javi feel all warm and fuzzy.

It was comfortable and nice, and it was so good, to just talk and eat and laugh. So Javi was a bit bummed when Sergei's mom suddenly announced that she had to go somewhere.

„It was so nice to meet you, Javi.” she said, hugging him „You need to come back soon! Sergei, sweetheart, can you come with me for a second?”

„Sure.” he said, leaving Javi on a sofa and following his mom to the front door. Javi heard some hushed chatter in Russian, then short laugh and a sound of the opening and closing door.

„Everything okay?” he asked tentatively when Sergei got back, his expression half surprised and half amused.

„Yeah.” Sergei said, flopping on next to Javi „Just... my mom being herself?”

„What happened?”

„She-” Sergei chuckled quietly, turning his face to Javi, his eyes sparkling „- she said _you're such a fool for this boy_ ” he said and Javi gasped, shocked.

„That's- that's good, right?” he asked slowly, hopefully, and Sergei laughed shortly.

„She likes you.” he said, moving a little bit closer „Why do you think she left?”

„Umm...” Javi hesitated and then the realization hit him, and his cheeks started to burn „Oh god.” he whined, hiding his face in his hands „This is so embarassing!”

„Nah.” Sergei said, his voice shaking wit laughter „She just wants us to have a healthy relation-”

„Stoooop!” Javi whined, hitting Sergei's chest lightly „I can never show up here again!”

„Javi, don't be dramatic.” Sergei said, shaking his head „She likes you, and she approves this, there's no reason to be embarassed about it.”

Javi knew that he was right. It was just so weird, that someone knew about them, and that it was Sergei's mom. It suddenly made everything feel so real, maybe giving it more importance than it really had. And to be honest, that scared Javi, just a little bit. But Sergei was looking at him with bright, fond eyes, and Javi tried to swallow all his anxiety down.

„So you're a fool for me, huh?” he asked, trying to be teasing, and he couls swear something flickered in Sergei's expression, something new and yet unnamed.

„You have no idea.” Sergei mumbled and kissed Javi before he could try to analyze what he meant.

 

Javi had a routine, now. Training every day, lunch with Sergei three or four times a week, a walk, a sightseeing trip. He went for dinner with Sergei and his mom a few times and she never adressed that she knew what was going on, but for some reason she sometimes would leave them alone in the apartment. Javi felt awkward about it at first, but then he came to terms with that and always made sure to give her an extra nice smile.

And then September came, unexpectedly cold and rainy.

„Javi, what is going on with you today?” Nikolai's voice was loud and clear, and Javi flinched.

„I'm sorry.” he squeaked, trying not to went into a coughing fit. He was feeling like shit since the morning, dizzy and weak, coughing like crazy and sniffling all the time. Still, he went to train, because he didn't feel like missing out, he needed all the ice time he could get.

He tried to keep himself together but then he almost fell during doing some stupid spin and Nikolai called him over to the boards.

„Are you okay?” he asked and Javi winced.

„I'm not feeling too good today.” he managed to say and exactly in that moment he had to cough, his lungs squeezing painfully. Nikolai gave him a blank look and touched his forehead, and Javi had to try his best not to step back.

„You've a fever.” Nikolai said „Go home and try not to leave your room until you feel good, I don't need an epidemy.”

„Sure.” Javi said weakly, and then someone skated over to him and he felt a familiar hand on his shoulder.

„He can stay with me.” Sergei said carelessly „I've a guest room, so he could stay there and not put all the guys at risk.”

„Fine by me.” Nikolai shrugged, not really paying attention to them anymore „Take him to a doctor if it gets worse.”

„Sure thing.” Sergei said and then basically dragged a very confused Javi to the locker room.

„You don't have a guest room.” he noticed weakly while changing and Sergei shook his head.

„We don't.”

„You don't have to do it-” Javi said and coughed, and Sergei's expression went stern.

„Shut up.” he ordered „You need sleep and someone who would take care of you, and I don't think these guys would.”

Javi wanted to protest, but then decided that it didn't make any sense. To be honest, he just wanted to crawl into a bed and sleep until he would feel a little bit better.

Sergei had to basically half carry him all the way to his apartment, and his mom'e eyes widened when she saw them. She touched the top of Javi's head with the back of her hand and then his cheek, and she shook her head. She said something in Russian, too quickly for Javi's brain to understand, and Sergei nodded.

„Here you go.” he said, helping Javi sit on the bed and then opening his closet.

„I don't want to cause any trouble.” Javi muttered, feeling slightly embarassed „I would manage on my own.”

„I know.” Sergei said, handing him some clothes „But you don't have to. Also, Nikolai was kind of right about that epidemy thing, although he decided to act like an asshole.” he added, wincing.

„Thank you, really, buy-” Javi started weakly, coughing a little bit „- it's not your duty, to care about me.” he mumbled, putting on the fresh t- shirt.

„It's not.” Sergei agreed quietly, with a sigh „But I want to.” he added, leaing forward and kissing Javi's forehead; before he could step away, Javi put his arms around his waist and nuzzled his face into Sergei's shirt.

„You're the best.” he said, his chest feeling tight and his head spinning; he wished he could express himself better, all his gratitude and surprize, everything, but his brain felt like made from cotton „Thank you.” was all he could mumble and Sergei laughed shortly, putting his hand on Javi's head for a second „So much.”

„Get under the blanket, I'll bring you your meds.”

 

Javi spent the next twenty hours in the bed, drowned in his feverish sleep. Sometimes it was too hot, sometimes too cold, and his throat hurt from coughing. He was vaguely aware of Sergei or his mom coming to check on him from time to time, but then he would immediatly fall back into darkness.

But when he finally woke up the next day, the clock showing 2pm, he was feeling bit better. So he grabbed sweater that was folded on a chair next to the bed and slowly paced to the kitchen.

„Hello, Javi.” Sergei's mom smiled at him „You're feeling better?” she asked, checking if he still had a fever „Okay, doesn't look bad. Sit down, I'll make you something to eat.”

„Thank you.” Javi said slowly, his tired brain trying to find fitting words in that weird language „For all of that. I, uh, didn't expect, and I don't want to be trouble-”

„You're not a trouble, sweetheart.” she said, handing him a cup of tea and ruffling his hair „We all need somebody, sometimes.”

„Yes.” Javi squeaked, a lump forming in his throat, his heart speeding up weirdly „We do.”

The woman looked at him, her expression turning thoughtful, and Javi felt a bit uneasy under her searching, intense gaze.

„You're a good boy, Javi.” she said finally, giving him a gentle smile „But please-” she hesitated for a second and then sighed quietly „- don't break his heart.”

Javi felt like he was going to be sick, for a moment. It was the first time she openly adressed that she knew what was going on, but her words made Javi's heart feel heavy, because- why did she say it like that? Did she think that they were in love, for real?

Or maybe- maybe she knew something that Javi didn't?

She changed the topic and started talking about the weather, not realizing that Javi couldn't really breathe.

 

Javi was buried under the blankets again when Sergei came back home in the late evening.

„Hey. How are you feeling?” he asked and Javi shrugged his shoulders.

„Better. Your mom fed me with some magic soup.”

„Ah yes, grandma's healing recipe.” Sergei smiled brightly and Javi swallowed hard, his heart clenching. His expression had to betray him, because suddenly Sergei's smile dimmed, turning into a worried frown.

„Hey.” he touched Javi's cheek gently „What's happening?” he asked, and Javi felt like crying. He was so comfortable and sure, not feeling like he had to do or feel something, because Sergei never asked him for anything. But now Javi felt just like on that last day in Hackensack, feeling of guilt bubbling to the surface and bringing tears to his eyes.

„I'm good.” he lied with a sniffle „I think the meds make me cry.” he said and Sergei smiled at him softly.

„Tomorrow you'll feel better, I promise.” he said and then left the room, and Javi could hear him talking with his mom.

He closed his eyes and pressed his face to the pillow, trying not to cry.

The last thing he wanted was to break Sergei's heart, but he wondered if it wasn't too late.

 


	7. your arms are always open wide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promises, kisses and cursed Cup of China.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a writing roll and decided to post it asap just because I can hah.  
> Also I suddenly forgot how to write feelings but I hope it's still readable.

 

Javi wanted to figure it out, he really did. But then he wasn't sick anymore, and he left Sergei's home, and everything went back to normal, to their familiar, nice routine. And it was easy for Javi to persuade himself that he was being overdramatic like usual, that he was just imagining things. Because Sergei didn't change a bit, still funny and sweet, not pushing or pressing. His mom didn't make any comment, still kind and caring, and Javi convinced himself that there was no reason to panic.

And to be honest, he didn't have time for personal drama. Weeks were passing quickly and then October came, and the season started, and Javi had to channel all his attention to that. Sergei seemed to be focused too, looking sharp in practice, and it was the first time when Javi really started to realize that they were also each other's competition. It was easy to forget about it, before, but now, with grand prix right ahead of them, Javi started to think about how it could afftect their relationship.

They were still dating, and still no one knew, except of Sergei's mom and probably Valentina, who was sometimes looking at them with a small grin and fondness in eyes. It was still easy and simple, going out to eat together and walking around the city, Sergei turning into an enthusiastic guide every time.

Javi knew that it couldn't last forever, not in that form. He knew that it all depended on him, now, because he was pretty sure that Sergei was willing to give him all the time in the world, as long as Javi stayed happy, but Javi knew that he couldn't do that. Sergei deserved better, and Javi firmly decided to give himself time till Christmas to figure his feelings and wants out. He had to man up and decide if there was a future for them or if he was going to break things off and hoping that no one would get hurt.

„You're excited?” Sergei asked quietly when they were walking around one evening, two days before Javi's first competition.

„Nervous.” Javi admitted, smiling at him „I really want to start the season well.”

„Let's make a deal.” Sergei said, a playful grin on his lips „If you medal, I'll prepare some surprize for you.”

„Oh that sounds promising.” Javi grinned „What kind of surprize?”

„You wish you knew.” Sergei wiggled his eyebrows and Javi laughed shortly.

„Okay, I'll trust you.” he said and then tilted his head a little bit „Can I ask you something?”

„Nope, consultation time is over.” Sergei deadpanned and then chuckled „Of course you can.”

„I was just wondering-” Javi swallowed hard „Because the season is starting and I just, I, uhh-” he stammered, looking down at his feet miserably, and Sergei sighed quietly.

„You're so easy to read, sometimes.” he said softly, taking Javi's hand and squeezing it gently „You're worrying about competition, right?”

„I'm just scared that it would- that we-” Javi muttered, not really knowing how to express himself.

„Javi.” Sergei said steadily „Look at me.”

Javi swallowed hard and raised his head to meet Sergei's gentle gaze.

„We do what we do.” Sergei said quietly „And I could never blame you for being better than me. And I hope it goes the same for you.”

„Of course.” Javi rushed to assure him „I just-” he sighed „I'm scared.”

He felt stupid, saying that. He was scared so often during those past years, and he still hated that feeling, that overwhelming cold taking control over his body and making him feel so small.

„Don't worry.” Sergei said warmly, his fingers brushing Javi's cheel „It's all gonna be fine, I promise.”

It was so easy, to believe him.

 

* * *

 

Javi came back from Nice with silver and Sergei fulfilled his promise about the surprize gift.

„Hello.” Sergei smiled broadly when Javi knocked to his door on Saturday afternoon „Welcome, welcome.”

„I just came here to get my prize.” Javi teased and Sergei gasped dramatically.

„You wound my poor soul.” he announced and then grinned devilishly „So first, I sacrificed my precious time and cooked you dinner.”

„And second?”

„I sent mom to visit grandma for the weekend.” Sergei said smugly and Javi gaped.

And then, he walked to Sergei and wasted no time before kissing him.

 

„So I admit that idea was a bit selfish.” Sergei said and then gasped quietly when Javi kissed his neck „But it seems that you're enjoying it too.”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed against his skin. He was enjoying that a lot indeed; it had been ages since the had more than just few hours for themselves and Javi was now basking in their renewed closeness. In moments like that it almost felt too much and too close, but Javi didn't let himself to think about that too much, because it would ruin everything and he didn't want to waste any second. So he continued kissing down Sergei's body, the taste of his skin warm and familiar. Sergei let him do whatever he wanted until Javi's lips moved much lower and he let out a deep sigh.

„Javi.” he gasped and Javi smirked against Sergei's hip before placing his lips on him.

Javi liked to think that he was good with blow jobs, since he had had such a good teacher. Sergei apparently agreed, judging my the sounds he was making and his fingers tangled in Javi's hair.

„'m close.” he breathed out shakily, tugging on Javi's hair as if he wanted him to pull back, but Javi just rolled his eyes and doubled his efforts.

„Oh my god.” Sergei murmured after a few minutes, his chest still heaving „Not exactly what I planned, but I can't complain.”

„Well, I really hope we still can go with your plan.” Javi said moving his hips suggestively, and Sergei snorted.

„Oh don't worry.” he said, wrapping his arms around Javi and pulling him closer „I'm not that old.”

 

„You good?” Sergei asked, his hand tracing Javi's back, and Javi nodded weakly.

„Yeah.” he mumbled into a pillow and Sergei chuckled quietly.

„Good.” he said, leaning to kiss Javi's cheek „For a second I was scared I broke you.”

„You can't die from good sex.” Javi managed to say „But it was close.”

Sergei laughed against his neck and shifted a bit, presssing soft kisses along Javi's spine. Javi sighed contently, his muscles not trembling anymore, his body relaxed.

„Come here.” he demanded whiny and Sergei snorted quietly, but a moment later he lay by Javi's side, looking at him fondly. Javi forced himself to move and turned on his side so now he could press himself against Sergei, nuzzling his face into his neck. Sergei put his hand on Javi's hip, tugging him closer, his chin resting on the top of Javi's head.

„So you liked the surprize?” he asked and Javi hummed quietly.

„Loved it.” he said, pressing a kiss to Sergei's neck „You're the best.”

„Of course I am.” Sergei agreed and then they fell silent for a moment „How's your sleeping?” he asked quietly after a few minutes and Javi sighed.

„It's okay.” he said, not wanting to get deeper into that topic „Not that bad.”

Sergei didn't say anything, as if he could tell that Javi didn't want to talk about it. So he just kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer.

 

They managed to leave the bed on Sunday morning and Javi insisted on being the one to prepare breakfast.

„I will shock you with my amazing cooking skills.” he promised, inspecting the fridge „Does an omelete sound good?”

„I'll eat anything.” Sergei said „If you're as good in the kitchen as you're on the ice and in a bedroom, then I'm pretty calm.”

„Oh my god!” Javi screeched, covering his ears „Keep your dirty talkto yourself!”

„You didn't complain earlier.” Sergei said, raising his eyebrows, and Javi dropped the fork he was holding and walked over to kiss him.

„You're the worst.” he mumbled and Sergei smiled against his lips, his eyes sparkling.

„I'm not.” he whispered, his fingertips brushing Javi's neck, and Javi's heart fluttered in his chest.

„You are.” he insisted, going back to his preparations „I'm still going to feed you.”

Sergei laughed, and that warm sound started spreading in Javi's body, settling somewhere next to his heart, and for the first time in a long time Javi didn't feel even an ounce of guilt.

And instead of that there was a tiny, fragile spark of hope that maybe everything would be okay, someday.

 

* * *

 

They didn't have that much time for themselves after that weekend. At the end of October Javi flew to Canada for his first grand prix assingment; fifth place wasn't that bad and he was coming back to Moscow pretty satisfied with what he had managed to achive. Small steps, up and forward.

When he got back to Russia Sergai had already left for China with Miki and Nikolai. Javi managed to watch the short, which wasn't perfect, but pretty solid for the first competition of the season, and Javi felt a sting of pride. He knew how hard Sergei was working, it was so good to see that his efforts were paying off.

He couldn't watch the free, but he turned the tv on immediately after coming back from training, skipping through the channels and trying to find some sports news channel.

„Hey Flo?” he asked when his French friend entered the room „Do you know how they guys did in China today?”

„Kozuka won, I think.” Florent said, munching an apple „And Sergei withdrawn.”

Javi froze.

„What?” he asked and Florent shrugged.

„Sorry, that's all I know.”

„Okay.” Javi said, swallowig hard „Thanks.”

He got back to his room and flopped on the bed, just wishing he had a cellphone he could use and call Sergei, just to make sure he was okay. Maybe it wasn't anything serious, maybe just some small injury that wouldn't let him compete just on that one day.

Javi was feeling uneasy, his insides twisting at all the dreadful possibilities.

He just hoped Sergei was okay.

 

When he walked into the kitchen three days later, he was greeted by a very tired Miki.

„Hi! When did you get back?”

„About three hours ago.” she said, taking a sip of her coffee.

„Oh, I see. Congrats on the win.” Javi said and she smiled at him.

„Thank you, Javi. It was a good competition.”

Javi nodded and then put on his best fake expression.

„By the way, do you know how Sergei's doing? I heard he had some troubles.”

„It didn't look good, to be honest.” Miki said with a sigh and his heart dropped „Nikolai took him to a doctor straight from the airport.”

„I see.” Javi said, clearning his throat „Thanks, Miki. Get some rest.”

His training that day wasn't the best, but Javi gritted his teeth and pushed through it, still trying to get some productive time on the ice. But when he finished all his tasks that day it was just a few minutes after 5pm and he wasted no time hopping into a bus that wasn't his usual one.

 

„Hello.” he smiled nervously when Sergei's mom opened the door „I'm sorry, I just wanted to-”

„It's good you're here.” she said, letting him in; she looked tired, but the smile she gave him was kind like usual „He'll be happy to see you.” she added, pointing the door to Sergei's room and then disappearing in the kitchen.

Javi knocked shortly, his heart feeling weirdly heavy, and then entered the room. Sergei was sitting on the bed, shoulders hunched, but he looked up immediately, blinking in surprize.

„Hey.” he said, smiling faintly „What are you doing here?”

There was something weird in Javi's chest, warm and fluttering against his ribs.

„Are you okay?” he asked, making his way to Sergei and standing close „Is it serious?”

„I'm fine.” Sergei said all too quickly „And it's- it's not tragic.” he said, his voice faltering, and there was a lump in Javi's throat, big and uncomfortable.

Sergei was trying to pretend that everything was cool, like he always did, smiling for Javi's sake and acting like it was nothing, like he was okay, and suddenly Javi couldn't stand it. He was feeling strange, his fingers itching, his chest tight and blood pulsing in his temples, and he couldn't say a word.

„You don't have to be sad, it's gonna be fine.” Sergei said and Javi thought that it was so not fair that he felt like he had to reassure him. So Javi shook his head silently and slowly reached out, his hand cupping Sergei's cheek.

„I'm sorry.” he said quietly, his voice cracking „I'm so sorry.”

„You don't have to worry about me.” Sergei said, giving him a forced smile „That's my job.”

„No.” Javi said, his heat growing „It's our job.”

Sergei blinked, his eyes glistening, and Javi had never seen him so vulnerable before. He was always the strong one, the happy one, the one to hold Javi close and tell him that it was going to be okay.

Now, it was Javi's turn to be stronger.

„Come here.”

They lay on the bed, facing each other and sharing small smiles in the dim light of the room. Sergei smiled, a little bit happier than before, his fingers tracing Javi's cheek.

„I missed you.” he said quietly, like he was talking to himself, and Javi's heartbeat quickened.

„I missed you too.” he admitted „Does it hurt?”

„Yes.” Sergei said after a moment „But I'm used to it.”

It wasn't fair, Javi thought, but he didn't say it out loud. Instead, he gently took Sergei's hand and pressed it against his own heart, their fingers linked.

„Your heart is beating really fast.” Sergei noticed quietly „Why?”

Javi smiled, and he could almost feel tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, both sad and happy.

Javi wasn't ready for big words and big gestures, not now, not when all the realizations were still blossoming inside him. But they had time, and there would be better moments, when they would be happier and not broken, so Javi just smiled wider, squeezing Sergei's hand.

„Guess.” he said quietly and Sergei looked him in the eyes for a moment before smiling at him fondly and closing his eyes with a soft sigh.

Javi watched him falling asleep and his chest was so full he almost couldn't breathe.

„Hi.” he stood by the kitchen door, smiling at Sergei's mom „I need to go now.”

„Thank you for coming, Javi. Really.” she said, giving him a pale smile „It means a lot.”

„Of course.” Javi said and then added quietly „He'll be okay.”

„I know.” she sighed „I just wish he didn't have to go through all of that, all over again.” she added and then shook her head, looking at Javi and smiling a little bit wider „And how are you Javi? You look... different, here.” she said, tapping a corner of her eye and he chuckled quietly.

„I just-” he shook his head and gave her his warmest, most hopeless smile „- I guess I'm a fool for him too.”

 

 


	8. the best of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Javi struggles to describe how love feels like, but older sisters always know best.

 

Sergei's injury was far worse than they had thought in the beggining and it kept him off the ice for long weeks. He tried to be positive about it, going to his rehabilitation and never showing his frustration in front of Javi. And Javi admired him so much, for trying to keep his happy face on and slowly climbing back to full health.

„I just want to be ready for nationals.” Sergei confessed while they were sitting on his bed and playing war just like during good old days spent in Hackensack.

„You still have a few weeks.” Javi noticed „What did your doctor say today?”

„That I should be retired since 2007.” Sergei snorted and Javi rolled his eyes „But he also said that I can go back to full training on Monday.”

„That's amazing!” Javi exclaimed, dropping his cards and throwing himself on Sergei, wrapping his arms around his neck „I'm so happy!”

„You can't wait to get your ass kicked on the next competititon, huh?” Sergei chuckled and Javi just nuzzled closer, hiding his nose against Sergei's neck.

„You got me.” he muttered and then sighed quietly, pulling back „Uhh, it's so late, I should go.”

He wasn't really looking forward to going all the way back at that hour, the world dark and cold, last days of November bringing to Moscow the first snow. His lack of enthusiasm was so clear Sergei laughed shortly, tilting his head.

„You can stay.” he said, smiling „You know my mom loves you. We just have to act decent.” he added with a grin and Javi snorted quietly.

„Fine, but only because I don't feel like walking in a blizzard.”

„It's barely snowing.” Sergei said and then tugged Javi's hand „Come on, let's grab something to eat and pass the great news to my mom.”

„Well, well, well.” she shook her head, looking up from her crossword „You finally managed to convince Javi to stay the night?”

„Total success.” Sergei grinned and Javi could feel himself blushing, still not fully used to their open bluntness. Her smile grew wider and the said something in Russian Javi couldn't understand, but what made Sergei burst into laughter.

„What was that?”

„She said that she has some earplugs so we don't have to worry.” Sergei explained, shaking with laughter, and Javi gaped.

„That's it, I'm leaving.” he whined, but Sergei grabbed his hand and pulled him closer, hugging him and patting his back reassuringly. Over his shoulder, Javi saw Sergei's mom smiling at them gently.

 

Javi loved sleeping next to Sergei. He loved when he could just lay his head on Sergei's chest, their limbs tangled and hearts beating in a matching rhythm. Javi tended to sleep better like that, falling to sleep faster and not tossing around too much. Sergei always held him close and just sometimes teased him gently if he was talking in his sleep about something funny.

So now Javi was the happiest person in the world, and Sergei seemed to be pretty comfortable too, judging by his deep breathing and hand resting on Javi's lower back.

„What are you thinking about?” Javi asked and Sergei sighed quietly.

„Nothing.” he said and Javi hummed disapprovingly.

„Tell meee.” he insisted, tilting his head a pressing brief kisses to Sergei's jaw „Tell me, tell me, tell me!”

„You're so annoying.” Sergei laughed and Javi shifted a bit so now he was propped on his elbow, looking down at Sergei.

„I just want to know stuff.” he said with a pout and Sergei's smile softened as he reached to touch Javi's cheek.

„I just noticed that you are very clingy lately. And I love it, don't get me wrong. Just- you smile more, than before. I'm just wondering.” Sergei said, smiling sheepishly, and Javi's heart fluttered.

„Have I ever told you-” he started slowly, swallowing hard „- how happy I am with you?”

It was the closest thing to a confession that Javi could bring himself to. His life was still not perfect at all, his career difficult, his mental health not the greatest, but the moments spent with Sergei were the absolute highlight at that point.

Sergei's lips parted and he blinked slowly, as in confusion, and then he smiled gently.

„That is all I wanted.” he said and Javi bit his lower lip, suddenly feeling shy.

„And you?” he asked quitely and Sergei narrowed his eyes.

„What?”

„Are you happy?”

„Of course.” Sergei said without hesitation „Well, I guess it would be nice if my stupid body didn't break all the time.”

„Aww.” Javi cooed, leaning down and kissing his cheek „My poor fragile boyfriend.” he said, lying down again, and then heard Sergei's quiet chuckle.

„What again?” he asked and Sergei chuckled again, wrapping his arms around Javi and pulling him closer.

„It's the first time you really called me your boyfriend.” he said, his voice fond, and Javi's throat clenched. Once again he was reminded about how it all had really started, Sergei being all patient and wonderful and letting Javi take the wheel. And now Javi realized that they still hadn't really talked about it, about what Sergei felt and wanted, and Javi knew that he would have to be the one to man up and start that topic, because Sergei had given him all the control the moment they kissed for the very first time.

It wasn't that moment, not yet.

„You're so dumb.” was all he muttered, hiding his face in Sergei's shirt „Why am I dating someone so dumb?”

Sergei just laughed at that, kissing the top of Javi's head.

„Because you have a terrible taste in men.”

„Obviously.”

 

* * *

 

It was good, to have Sergei on the ice. They didn't interact that much during trainings, both focused on preparing to their upcoming nationals, but they were good at that, keeping things separated from the very beggining.

„Axel looks good.” Javi noticed when they were changing in the locker room after one pretty tiring session, and Sergei grinned.

„Thanks. Leg is finally cooperating.” he said, patting his thigh.

„How does it feel?” Javi asked, lowering his voice and looking at Sergei closely.

„Not bad.” Sergei said quickly and Javi knew that it wasn't great either; he knew that Sergei was still on painkillers, although sometimes he chose not to take them, because he claimed that he could take a bit more pain and not ruin his liver with being on meds 24/7.

Javi wanted to add something from himself about that, but in that moment Florent came back from the showers, smiling at them widely.

„Hey guys! What are you gossiping about?” he asked carelessly and then his eyes sparked with mischief „Oh, are you talking about Javi's secret girlfriend?”

„Secret girlfriend?” Sergei asked with interest and Javi just stared at Florent dumbly.

„Yeah.” Florent nodded, smiling smugly „You weren't here a lot lately, but he disappears after practice like all the time, and I'm pretty sure sometimes he doesn't come back for a night.” he said in a dramatic whisper and Sergei let out the best fake gasp Javi had ever heard.

„What a shock.” he said, grinning and turning to look at Javi „You want to share some details?”

„Nope.” Javi said, getting a grip quickly and putting on a nonchalant smile „Get yourself someone on your own.” he said, sticking out his tongue, and Florent grinned.

„Maybe I should, your quads are getting so much better, maybe that's the secret?”

„Totally.” Javi nodded and Sergei snickered quietly.

 

Javi woke up surrounded by warmth and a dim light of streetlights seeping through the window. He blinked, trying to get rid of the fog in his eyes, searching for a clock. He sighed contently when he realized that he still had time before he would have to get up and go to the airport. He leaned back, pressing himself against Sergei's chest and smiling when he felt a strong arm wrapping around his waist.

„Do we need to get up?” Sergei mumbled against his nape and Javi sighed, relaxed.

„We've time.” he said and Sergei hummed quietly, kissing his neck, hand moving on Javi's stomach in a circling motion.

They had the apartment to themselves again and then had taken advantage of that, enjoying the last hours together before Javi had to leave for Spain.

„When are you coming back?” Sergei asked, his hand slowly sliding to Javi's thigh, fingers moving teasingly.

„I'm not sure, I think after New Year-” Javi answered and then gasped quietly, small sparks of pleasure already coiling in his stomach „You're gonna miss me or what?” he asked, pushing his hips back and smirking at Sergei's quiet groan.

„Maybe a bit.” he said and Javi's breathless chuckle turned into a moan when he felt a warm hand stroking his length „But I have a feeling that you're gonna miss me more.” he whispered and Javi whined quietly, turning his head so they could kiss, sloppy and sleepily and just right, their bodies rocking gently against each other.

„So much.” Javi mumbled and Sergei chuckled quietly against his lips, his hand sneaking in between their bodies „'m good.” Javi basically whined and Sergei chuckled again, kissing his ear and pulling back for a moment, causing Javi to writhe impatiently.

„Shh.” Sergei whispered, his steadying hand firm on Javi's hip „I've got you.”

They kept it unhurried, making it last, knowing that they would be apart from each other for upcoming weeks. Sergei was whispering something against Javi's neck, quiet words with a meaning Javi couldn't grasp, trapped in between steady rhythm of Sergei's hips and gentle hands.

His orgasm came unexpectedly, tearing a quiet cry from his lips as the pleasure flooded him in warm, gentle waves. Sergei followed him closely, his breathing rapid against Javi's neck, and Javi reached back, weakly, tugging on his hair soothingly.

„Do you really have to go?” Sergei asked, nuzzling closer, and Javi chuckled breathlessly, turning around in Sergei's arms, looking at him from up close.

„I want my gold again.” he said and Sergei snorted.

„As if you had any competition.” he said, brushing Javi's curls from his sweaty forehead.

„You really take care of my self esteem.” Javi chuckled, pressing a short kiss to Sergei's lips before sighing deeply „I'm getting up, I definitely need to take a shower now-”

„Nooo.” Sergei exclaimed, and it was adorable, to see him so sleepy and whiny; usually it was Javi who had to be forcefully dragged out of the bed, but sometimes Sergei was getting into a lazy mood too. And now was apparently one of those days, when he was all soft and rumbled, and Javi's chest was tight with an overwhelming fondness.

„You stay and rest.” he said, sitting up and smiling at Sergei's unhappy whine „You need to kick ass on your nats so we can go to Euros together. Have a romantic date in Tallin.”

Sergei opened his eyes and gave him a sleepy smile that was so happy and gentle Javi's heart stuttered.

 

* * *

 

He landed in Barcelona in early afternoon and after dealing with all the procedures and paper work he could finally meet his family. His mom started crying almost the second she saw him and she stopped sniffling when they were halfway through the dinner. It was so good, to see them after all those months, to catch up and just see their faces. He was already looking forward to Christmas, when he would go back to Madrid and just have a few blissful days filled with rest and being surrounded by the people he loved.

„You have anything to do today?” Laura asked when they exited the restaurant, and Javi shook his head.

„Nah. First practice is tomorrow.” he said; he would have to get up early to meet with his Spanish coach, but he still had some time before he would have to go to sleep.

„Great!” Laura clapped, her eyes sparkling „We're going for a little sibling talk.” she announced, telling their parents that she would meet that at their hotel and then dragged Javi to the nearest cafe.

„Okay, little brother.” she started when they were sitting by a corner table „Now spill.”

„I was just talking for the past three hours.” Javi said and Laura snorted.

„There were all nice images, but I need spicy details.” she grinned but then her smile softened „How are you, really?” she asked and Javi shrugged.

„I'm okay.” he said „Good days and bad days.”

„Mom wants you to see doctor Alva when you'll be back in Madrid.” Laura informed him and Javi winced.

„So he can tell me again that I should be less stressed? Thank you very much.” he said, rolling his eyes, and then sighed quietly „I get that you all worry, but I- it's under control. I'm fine.”

„Okay.” Laura nodded slowly, a hint of worry still in her eyes, but then she smiled at him again, trusting „So, going back to spicy stuff- you better explain where that glow is coming from.”

„What glow?”

„That _I'm getting laid on daily basis_ aura.” she said smugly and Javi almost spilled his drink. He stared at Laura, who stared back with a knowing smirk, reminding him that she was the most thoughtful older sister ever.

„Well-” he said slowly „- I wouldn't say on daily basis. Sadly.” he added and Laura gasped.

„I knew it!” she exclaimed, leaning over the table „Details, now!”

„You're so nosy.” Javi laughed, shaking his head „First of all- not a girl.”

„Ohh, nice!” she raised her eyebrows, impressed „I was wondering when you'd step on that path.”

„Sure.” Javi snorted „Anyway, yeah, you might be right about the sex glow.”

„So proud of you, little brother.” Laura teased him „So tell me, how did you two meet?”

„Uhhh.” Javi hesitated „So, you might not like it, but we train together.”

„What?” Laura blinked rapidly, clearly surprized „You're hooking up with your competitor?”

„Well, yes.” Javi said, flinching a little „But it's not that simple?”

„Well, it doesn't seem too wise either.” Laura said and then sighed „Look, I don't judge, I don't even know who he is, I'm just... a bit surprized. And a tiny bit concerned.” she added and then her eyes widened „It's not that French guy, right?”

„No, no.” Javi said quickly, cringing slightly „He's, umm, Russian. His name is Sergei.”

„I don't recall.” Laura said slowly, sighing again „Javi, I'm not saying this is wrong, because it's your life, but I don't want this to- does anyone know? You could have some trouble.”

„You. His mom. Maybe one of our friends, but she's cool. We don't really show off.”

„Good.” Laura said „How did it even begin?”

„They put us in one room in Hackensack.” Javi admitted sheepishly and Laura snorted, clearly amused by that.

„Let me guess, you couldn't stand him walking around shirtless.” she said and Javi groaned.

„Don't judge me, he's really hot!”

„I guess I'll have to check him out when I go back to the hotel.” she said and then smiled softly „Okay, I trust you, and I hope it won't turn ugly. I just don't want you to get hurt.”

„He won't hurt me.” Javi said quietly, his heart clenching.

„You seem very sure of that.” Laura noticed tentatively and Javi smiled, butterflies fluttering inside his chest.

„I think he loves me.”

Not exactly the truth.

He was pretty sure that he did.

Laura's face morphed into an expression of pure surprize, and Javi suddenly felt like laughing.

„And you know what- I think I'm in love with him too.”

They stayed silent for a moment, Laura clearly trying to gather her thourghts and Javi just sitting there, probably grinning like an idiot and feeling all fuzzy and warm.

„Wow.” Laura said finally „These are some big words, Javi.”

„I know.” Javi said with a quiet chuckle „That's why you're the first one to hear them.”

„So it's serious, huh?” Laura asked after a moment, tilting her head, and Javi shrugged.

„It wasn't for me, at the beggining.” Javi admitted, wincing at himself „But now... I just never thought love feels like that.”

„Like what?”

„Like you can breathe, finally.”

Javi wasn't the best with words, still, but it was the closest explanation of what he was feeling. The overwhelming fondness, safety and care. Happiness.

„Oh boy.” Laura said, her smile bright „You're so smitten, little brother.”

„You've no idea.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Great job, Javi, could you go and confess to your man, maybe???  
> In the next chapter: Javi struggles, Sergei's patience isn't neverending and someone tries to meddle.


	9. I am good, I am grounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi is going for a trip to the Angstville, Michal is an angel and Sergei's patience in kind of over.

Javi was pissed beyond belief. At himself and at the entire universe, basically. He still couldn't believe he had lost to Raya, all because he had to cut his stupid hand during stupid warm- up and wasted precious time with medical staff, trying to stop the bleeding. He was still going to the Euros of course, but it stang, and it made Javi's mood go downhill for long days. He managed to cover it with smiles, but on the plane back to Moscow he basically turned into a storm cloud. A part of him wanted to hop on the next flight to Spain, but he gritted his teeth and dragged himself all the way to the house and flopped face down on the bed.

Javi closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, fighting an urge to hit himself with a pillow, or punch something in general. How could he think about winning medals on major international events when he couldn't even win nationals of his country, with five skaters competing? Maybe he should just give up, stop doing it to himself and to his family, go back to Spain, join the army and become useful for a change.

 

„Hey.” Sergei smiled gently when they met at the rink a day after Javi's return „How are you?”

„I'm fine.” Javi said, trying his best to smile widely „A bit disappointed.” that was a slight understatement, but he didn't want to show his frustration in front of Sergei „And how are you feeling after your nats?” he asked; he had checked it before and knew that Sergei got fourth place, which was pretty solid, and very impressive since he still wasn't fully healed.

„0.27 to the podium.” Sergei chuckled, shaking his head, and Javier gaped, surprised.

„Wow, that's really little!” he exclaimed, forgetting for a moment about his own misery.

„And I was thirteenth after the short.” Sergei said, sounding pretty pleased with himself, but then sighed „So I'm not going to Euros, but they'll send me to universiade.” he said, a shadow of regret in his expression, and Javi shook his head.

„You did so good.” he muttered, kissing his cheek quickly „And I'm so proud of you.”

Sergei smiled, his expression softening.

„You know-” he said, taking Javi's hand and squeezing it gently „I'm really proud of you too. You know it, right?”

There was a lump in Javi's throat, heavy and nagging, and he swallowed past it with difficulty.

„Yeah.” he said, trying to sound convincing „I know.”

 

January was shit.

Javi was struggling a lot, both mentally and physically, and he had to try really hard to keep himself together. It was almost funny, how one bad competition could take him all the way back to the days when he had been feeling on his lowest.

Sergei tried to talk to him about it, but Javi was always brushing it off, so he settled on being sweet and supporting as always. They didn't have that much time for each other though, Javi training for the Euros and Sergei working really hard on preparing to what probably was his last big competition of the season. It wasn't like their relationship turned distant or anything; they were still so incredibly comfortable with each other, hanging out after practice and sometimes spending the night together, but Javi couldn't help but feel as if there was something weird now, nestled inside him, an echo of something he had hoped was long gone.

The thing was, he had meant every word he had told Laura. He had been honest about his feelings, and they remained the same, but now there was a voice in the back of his head reminding him that maybe, in fact, it didn't matter at all.

 

* * *

 

His short was shit. His long was better, and he managed to get himself to the top ten, and he managed to feel pretty satisfied, even more when he learned that the other Javi finished ten spots lower than him.

Still, he was feeling uneasy, as if something was very, very wrong, and he hated that feeling, that awful heavy weight in his chest.

So he did the first thing that seemed close to right- he got drunk with Michal Brezina.

„Fuck this shit.” Michal muttered, taking a swing of his beer „I'm quitting.”

„Nooo.” Javi whined, shaking his head and reaching for his own bottle „You're awesome!”

„I dropped from second to eighth!” Michal wailed „This is just embarassing! I was fourth at worlds last season and what? Nothing!!”

„Well you at least managed to get second after the short, I will never be able to do that.” Javi mumbled „And freaking Florent came here a year ago and now he has gold? I mean, what the fuck?”

„Let's not talk about skating anymore.” Michal exclaimed, waving with his bottle dramatically „How's your love life?”

Javi gulped loudly and fought an urge to slap his head against the table.

„It's great.” he mumbled „Just I'm an idiot.”

Michal raised his eyebrows curiously and Javi groaned.

„I'm just... he's so good to me.” Javi muttered, vaguely realizing that he just outed himself with the pronoun, but Michal didn't even move a muscle, so Javi just went with it „Like, I'm a fucking mess, Michal. He deserves better than dealing with it.”

„Oh my god.” Michal rubbed his face „You wait here.” he said, almost running away, and a moment later he came back with two bottles of beer „Last round, or our coaches will murder us tomorrow.” he said and then gave Javi a surprisingly sober look „You're really an idiot, Javi.” he stated and Javi laughed.

„Tell me something I don't know.”

„No, I mean-” Michal sighed „Don't pull this _if you love them let them go_ shit every song yells about. Our lives are fucking hard already. Don't make it more complicated than it really is.” Michal said and then gave him a small, crooked smile „Just... hold on to it, Javi. For as long as you can.”

That was kind of wise, very wise, even, and Javi knew that Michal was right. He really did, and he knew that all his doubts were just a result of his stupid anxiety and his stupid, complicated life.

„I'll try.” he muttered into his bottle, his heart clenching painfully „I'll try.”

 

* * *

 

Trying was hard.

Sergei came back from Turkey beaming and with a silver medal in his pocket. Javi smiled and kissed him, and hoped that maybe his feelings for Sergei would be enough to get him through that shit time, but life kept on throwing rocks at him.

Trainings were pretty awful, Nikolai focusing mostly on Miki and his precious French gold medalist. It wasn't their fault, and Javi had nothing against them, but there were days when he was feeling like a lost child, trying to feel his way through the fog.

His anxiety attacks came back, more frequent now, and he was desperate to hide it from Sergei, which led them to spending less time together in those first days of February. Sergei was watching him carefully, but he didn't press, until one day he finally did.

It was another shit day, and everything was bothering Javi, and he couldn't execute half of the elements he should, so when he finally dragged himself to the thankfully empty locker room- he just slumped on the nearest bench and started crying. And of course, because the universe hated him, Sergei had to walk in.

„Hey, hey.” he quickly made his way to Javi, sitting next to him and putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder „What's going on? What's wrong?”

Well, everything.

„Nothing.” Javi sniffled „I'm fine. I'm going home.” he said quickly, trying to stand up, but Sergei's grip on his shoulder tightened, keeping him in place.

„No.” Sergei said quietly, and Javi had never seen his so serious before „You're not doing that.” he said sternly and Javi blinked, surprised by the tone of his voice „You're going with me now.”

Javi opened his mouth to oppose, not really feeling like talking, but he looked at Sergei again and nodded, his insides twisting with something he knew was fear.

 

 

„Talk to me.”

They were in Sergei's bedroom, his mother at work, so they were totally alone. Sergei was sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at him intently, but Javi decided to stand, suddenly very aware of every muscle of his body.

„About what?” he asked and Sergei's face turned into stone.

„Please, don't do this.” he said quietly „Just tell me what's going on with you.”

Javi didn't say anything, just swallowed hard, his throat suddenly painfully dry.

Sergei sighed, standing up but not moving closer to Javi, like he wanted to give him space.

„You don't talk to me, since you came back from Spain.” he said and Javi winced at the obvious statement „And I tried- I thought that if I gave you time, you would come to me. But you didn't. And Javi-” Sergei rubbed his face, suddenly looking very tired „- I thought we were past this.”

Javi stared at his feet, feeling a lump forming in his throat. He knew he was being stupid, and unfair and that Sergei deserved better than that. He were together for months now, more than half a year, and Sergei had every right to expect _something._

But Javi was a coward, a little bit. He hadn't hesitated before moving all the way across the world while being seventeen, but he couldn't handle his own foolish heart.

He heard quiet footsteps and saw Sergei's legs right in front of his, standing close.

„Javi.” Sergei said quietly and the tone of his voice made Javi's blood run cold „Look at me.”

So Javi gathered all the courage in the world and looked at him, and his breathing hitched. He had never seen Sergei so moved, his face torn by emotions Javi couldn't really read. Sergei sighed deeply, shakily, his hand brushing Javi's cheek before dropping to his side.

„I'm trying, Javi.” he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper „I really am. But I don't know what to do anymore. How to help you, how to- how to be with you.”

Javi felt like there was suddenly a pit in his chest, an empty space where his lungs should be.

„Wh- what?” he breathed out, his voice high pitched and pathetic, and Sergei bit his lower lip for a moment, his eyes turning almost unbearably sad. He looked like he was making a decision, an important one, and then he smiled, a smile that was both gentle and pained.

„I love you.” he said softly „And I will wait for you, I really will. I just need to know if I should.”

Javi opened his mouth, and he tried to say something, he did, but the only sound that escaped his lips was a quiet sob. It all was wrong, not the way it should, and he was an asshole in that story.

„How-” he choked out, his chest tight, every breath painful „- how can you love me?”

It was suddenly the biggest mystery to him, how could someone so wonderful and kind and patient be in love with such a mess of a person like Javi.

Sergei chuckled quietly, his eyes shining.

„You're so stupid, Javi.” he said softly „How could I not?”

Of course.

„I'm sorry.” Javier managed to say and Sergei's eyes widened.

„It's okay.” he said, sounding forced, and Javi realized with panic that he misunderstood him.

„No, no.” he rambled, placing his hand on Sergei's chest „I mean-” he swallowed hard, his heart beating fast, because he knew that it was it, the moment when he finally had to come clean. He took a deep breath and looked into Sergei's eyes.

„I love you too.” Javi said quietly and Sergei's expression twisted „And I'm so sorry that I can't be better, that I can't-” he shook his head, his gaze dropping to Sergei's collarbone „You deserve better than me.” he whispered and then felt a gentle hand on his chin, forcing him to look up, his eyes bright and sparkling.

„You love me?” he asked, his voice filled with such disbelief Javi could feel tears prickling in the corners of his eyes.

„Of course I do.” he basically whimpered, blinking rapidly and trying to hold it together „I'm just-” he wanted to say how scared he had been, and still was, and how hard he tried not to fall apart every single day. But Sergei smiled at him, bright and sure and loving, and Javi realized that he already knew all of that.

„You're just-” he paraphrased Javi, brushing hair from his forehead „- you're someone I love. For so long.” he said quietly and Javi's heart stuttered „And all I wanted was for you to love me back.” his voice wavered a little and Javi couldn't hold back his tears anymore.

Sergei's smile softened, wrapping his arm around Javi's waist, pulling him closer the other hand wiping his cheek gently.

„I'm so in love with you.” Javi whispered and leaned in to kiss him, without an ounce of guilt in his heart and warmth circling in his veins.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you hear angels singing in the background?


	10. I feel like I'm drowning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk a little, and then move to other things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS  
> this chapter is rated strong M for my standards, basically sexy times more graphic than in previous chapters, so you've been warned  
> I had like five breakdowns while writing this one so I decided to post it before I could delete it hah

 

After long minutes, some tears and a lot of kisses, Sergei finally managed to convince Javi to ove to the bed. They found a good position- Sergei settled against the headboard, Javi clinging to him with head on his shoulder. Javi's ears were still ringing and he couldn't quite believe that it was happening.

He had confessed. They were in love with each other. Huh.

„Sergei.” Javi started after some time, looking up and meeting Sergei's bright smile „How long?”

„Hmm?” Sergei hummed, carding through Javi's hair.

„How long are you in love with me?”

„Ohh.” Sergei giggled „That's embarassing, kind of.” he said and Javi made a face at him.

„I need details!”

„Okay, okay.” Sergei shook his head fondly „You remember how we met on some grand prix, I think in France? You had troubles with your axel during practice.” Sergei specified and Javi nodded „But then you landed it, and you smiled, and I thought _wow, that guy is cute._ Kinda inappropriate, since you were barely eighteen.” Sergei said and Javi gasped, pretending to be scandalized „So I kinda liked you since the very beggining. But when I fell in love?” he wondered, his hand moving down Javi's back slowly „It was in Hackensack, when I knew you better. And you had a rough night, once.” he said softly and Javi nuzzled closer „I had to wake you up, kinda brutally. And you gave me the sleepiest, most beautiful smile I had ever seen. And I was like, _yep, that's the one_.” Sergei said sheepishly, blushing a little bit, and Javi grinned like an idiot. Sergei looked down at him and then leaned forward, kissing Javi's forehead and nose.

„You're so easy to love, Javi.” he said quietly „I was doomed before I knew it.”

Javi didn't know what to say, feeling kind of overwhelmed, so instead of talking he decided to kiss Sergei's neck, shifting his body so a moment later he was sitting in his lap. Sergei chuckled quietly, one of his hands sneaking under Javi's shirt and moving along his spine. Javi let out a deep breath against Sergei's skin and then drew back a little to look him in the face.

„You were really ready to wait for me?” he asked and Sergei's smile dimmed a little.

„I didn't want to do anything, at first.” he admitted quietly, his hands resting on Javi's hips „You are strong, Javi, but you're also so fragile, in here.” he said softly, placing his hand on Javi's heart „I didn't want to mess with it. But then you kissed me and I thought that maybe I had a chance.” Sergei smiled gently, but Javi felt like there was something itchy in his throat suddenly.

„You weren't afraid?” he asked quietly „That I wouldn't-?”

„I didn't think about it.” Sergei said, shaking his head „I was just- I was happy you wanted to be with me. On any conditions, for however long I could.” he smiled and flicked Javi's scrunched nose „Come on, don't frown at me, I just told you the epic story of my love for you.” he said and Javi chuckled wetly.

„I just- it took me so long.” Javi said quietly „I-”

„No, no, no.” Sergei shook his head, his fingers touching Javi's lips „Don't do that.” he whispered and Javi's breathing hitched when he saw his expression „It's okay. It all went just how it should.”

Javi's throat was so tight he couldn't speak, so he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Javi's in a soft, loving kiss.

Javi's hands were shaking when he started unbuttoning Sergei's shirt, feeling shy suddenly. Sergei didn't rush him, looking at him with the brightest of smiles, his thumb sneaking under Javi's sweater and grazing his skin teasingly.

They took their time undressing each other, moving slowly and carefully, until they were bare and warm against each other, laughing softly in between kisses, and Javi had never felt more in the right place. He moved his hips a bit, drawing a quiet gasp from Sergei and smiling against his neck.

„I hope your mom isn't coming back too soon.” he muttered and Sergei chuckled, one of his hands tangling in Javi's hair and guiding him so they could kiss, and Javi sighed happily, melting against his chest. Sergei slowly ran his fingers down Javi's spine and then lower, grinning smugly at Javi's expression.

Javi gasped quietly and Sergei grinned, kissing the top of his head as his fingers moved with practiced ease. They hadn't had sex in a while and it was like Javi's body was more sensitive now, as if confession of their feelings made him even more vulnerable.

„Everything feeling good?” Sergei asked and Javi nodded, rolling his hips gently and smiling when he felt sparks of pleasure coiling inside him.

„So good.” he muttered, kissing Sergei briefly before reaching to the bedside table to grab what they needed.

It was almost too much, slowly sinking down, the feeling of their joined bodies stealing air from Javi's lungs.

„Oh my god.” Javi whispered and Sergei chuckled quietly, his hands steady on Javi's hips.

„You're calling for higher force already?” he asked teasingly „I'm that good today?”

„You're so smug.” Javi breathed out, bracing his hand on Sergei's shoulders and slowly lifted himself and then went down in smooth, steady motion. Sergei cursed quietly, his grip on Javi's hips tightening, but he still didn't move, letting Javi find his rhythm first and making sure he was fully comfortable. He always did that, putting Javi first, not only in moments of intimacy, but in everything, and Javi couldn't be more grateful.

„It's okay.” he muttered, pressing his lips to Sergei's and kissing him, slow and deep.

Sergei sighed with relief as he started moving, his thrusts meeting Javi's moves in an unhurried rhythm. It was good, so good Javi couldn't help quiet whimpers from escaping his lips as the pleasure started building.

„Fuck.” Sergei groaned, kissing down Javi's neck and then biting on his shoulder lightly, and Javi moaned quietly.

„You're so good.” Javi panted, burying his hand in Sergei's hair and tugging, bringing their lips together again „So- oh!” he mewled when Sergei used his grip on Javi's hips to make him go down harder, and it was perfect and so much, but at the same time not enough, and Javi whimpered helplessly, his muscles trembling, his body shaking with pleasure „I- I ne-” he whined, not able to form words anymore, but Sergei seemed to knew exactly what he needed. He wrapped his arms around Javi's waist and carefully lay him down on his back, kissing him deeply. Javi sighed happily, wrapping his legs around Sergei, making him groan.

Sergei broke the kiss, withdrawing a little bit and looking at Javi with an expression filled with so much fondness Javi's breathing hitched.

„You're so perfect.” Sergei whispered, caressing Javi's cheek and resuming his thrusting in slow, almost lazy rhythm, and something flickered in his eyes as he leaned down „And you're mine.” he said, his voice cracking, and Javi's body jolted.

„And you're mine.” he echoed shakily, and Sergei whimpered quietly, his hips stuttering, and Javi closed his eyes, his body arching as his lips parting.

The pace was frantic now, Sergei's thrusts hard and finding the spot in Javi's body that was making him whine and writhe and lose grasp on reality. It was so good he couldn't even imagine it could go any better, but somehow he was reaching new heights with every passing second.

Sergei let out a quiet, pained groan and hid his face in the crook of Javi's neck, his rapid breathing tickling his skin.

„Come on, baby, come on.” he panted, his hand sneaking in between their bodies and stroking Javi in fast, sloppy moves, and Javi would scream if there was any air left in his lungs, the power of his pleasure so strong the whole world faded away and there was only him and and Sergei, who came moments later with a moan that made Javi shiver.

They lay in silence for a minute, not moving, their bodies still trembling against each other, and Javi's mind was absolutely, blissfuly blank, his hands slowly moving on Sergei's back.

„I think I almost died that time.” Sergei muttered quietly, kissing Javi's neck before slowly raising on his elbows to look down at him „You good?” he asked softly, with a smile so fond and intimate Javi felt like he could cry; but he didn't want to cry again, so he decided to kiss him instead, sloppy and sipping and absolutely perfect.

 

They got up, at some point, and even managed to drag themselves to the shower, which they left half an hour later, giggling and wearing Sergei's clothes.

„I”m not hungry.” Javi pouted when Sergei basically forced him to sit by the kitchen table.

„Well I don't care.” Sergei announced cheerfully, taking out some stuff out of the fridge „You need your vegetables, you're still too skinny.” he said and Javi pouted.

„But-”

„Don't question me, boy.” Sergei said, waving with his knife „I'm four years older and much wiser.”

„Oh yes, you're basically a dinosaur.” Javi noticed innocently and made his way to Sergei „Okay, I'll help you with that.”

They were really intending to prepare soom food, but they ended up making out every few minutes and when Sergei's mom came back from work they barely had their vegetables cut.

„Well hello, boys.” she said, looking at them intently „Did I miss something?”

„We are in love.” Sergei said in a comic whisper and she grinned at them widely.

„What a surprize.” she said teasingly; she kissed Sergei's forehead and touched Javi's cheek, her expression gentle „Now get out of my kitchen, you only made a mess. I'll take care of it.”

„Thanks!” Sergei grinned and took Javi's hand.

„Just keep it quiet for now, I don't have my earplugs in here!” they heard before closing the door and they both bursted into laughter.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter boys go to Japan and the world falls apart.


	11. don't let the sun steal you away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last moments of happiness before the reality decides to show up.

 

The days passed in a flash and before Javi knew it, he was sitting on a plane to Japan. It was barely the beginning of March, but they were going to Fukuoka first to train there. That was the reason why Sergei was going with them, despite not being a part of the national team for the worlds. Javi was so looking forward to that, spending some time together just like all the way back in Hackensack, but he also was already feeling an excitement and slight nerves about the upcoming competition. He was planning two quads in his free and he just hoped he would be able to execute that and show everyone that he was making progress.

„Okay guys, training tomorrow at noon so you can rest.” Nikolai said at the hotel reception, quickly dealing with check- in and smiling with amusement „I see our inseparable duo is rooming together, so don't start killing each other all of the sudden.” he joked, clearly in a good mood despite long journey.

„No worries.” Sergei said, rolling his eyes and grabbing the key „I've learnt how to deal with the Spanish guy.”

„So you know how to deal with me, huh?” Javi asked teasingly when they were in their room and Sergei made a face at him.

„You're not that complicated.” he said and Javi pouted, pretending to be wounded.

„You say I'm boring?” he asked in a very fake sad voice and Sergei laughed.

„Javi-” he said, putting his hands on Javi's hips and pulling him closer „- boring is the last word to describe you.” he kissed him briefly and then grinned at him „And I'm going to be a good boyfriend and let you go to the shower first.”

„You're so generous.” Javi smiled, kissing him on the cheek „Unless you want to join me?”

„No offence, baby, but I'm dying today.”

„You're oooold.” Javi sang, grabbing his towel „I still love you though.” he said before disappearing in a bathroom, hearing Sergei's quiet laughter, and he grinned to himself. It was so good, to be able to say it and feeling all the emotions filling his heart and radiating to his entire body. It all made it better, easier, just to function, go by. Trainings were bearable, quads were coming together nicely, and Javi thought that maybe next season would be some nice breakthrough. Javi sighed and started washing off shampoo from his hair.

He had had some thoughts, before, that maybe he should leave Nikolai, look for someone new to coach him. He had improved so much with him, but mentally he never felt too good, constant moving and being surrounded by a big group of people was just exhausting. But now he had quads, and he had Sergei, and he finally had a little bit of hope.

„I thought you drowned in there.” Sergei joked when Javi exited the bathroom and Javi rolled his eyes.

„You'll be standing there two hours yourself.” Javi said and then yawned, and Sergei smiled at him softly.

„You're tired?” he asked and Javi shrugged „Remember to take your medicine.” he reminded him gently and Javi winced.

„It's not like it's working anyways.” he muttered and Sergei sighed, brushing his cheek with his hand before going to the bathroom.

Javi threw himself on the bed and crawled under the covers. He was really tired, but he knew falling asleep would be a challenge- it was never that easy, and he always had the worst time with battling jet lag. But he didn't want to worry Sergei more than he already was, so he shifted, facing the wall now, and he closed his eyes.

He pretended to be asleep when Sergei came back, making sure to breathe regularly and not move, and he felt lips pressing to his temple and then he heard Sergei fumbling with his own blankets.

Thankfully, it didn't take him too long that time.

 

* * *

 

„Where are we going?” Javi asked and Sergei made a face that was probably supposed to be mysterious, but turned out more goofy than anything.

„It's a secret.” Sergei said in a thetrical whisper and Javi rolled his eyes, smiling with amusement. It was a warm evening and after finishing practice Sergei had insisted that Javi should follow him, and Javi agreed eagerly, because he was no business in saying no.

After some time they arrived at a park and walked through it while chatting about light, not really important topics, comfortable and content. And then the trees ended and Javi chuckled quietly.

„Aww, you took me to watch a sunset on a beach?” he cooed and Sergei shrugged, blushing slightly.

„I asked the lady at the reception about romantic date idea.” he admitted sheepishly and Javi kissed his cheek quickly.

„I love it.” he said softly and Sergei smiled happily.

They sat on the sand, enjoying that the weather was pretty nice, the sun already touching the water. It was quiet, just sometimes someone would run on the path nearby, some couples sitting in the distance. The silence stretched, warm and tingling, because they didn't really need words when they were together.

Now, together was enough.

„Thank you.” Javi said quietly when the sun was halfway hidden, resting his head on Sergei's shoulder „It's really nice in here.”

„I just thought you could use some time outside. Fresh air and all that stuff.” Sergei said, taking his hand discreetly, and Javi chuckled.

„You just want to get laid tonight, don't you?” he asked teasingly and Sergei snorted.

„You got me.”

They fell into silence again, and Javi felt just... calm. Sure.

„Do you want to know a secret?” he asked quietly, the sun sleeping now, the wind turning a little chilly and making him shiver slightly.

„Of course I want.”

Javi smiled, shifting a bit and moving his lips close to Sergei's ear.

„I love you.”

Sergei chuckled quietly, softly, and turned his head to look at Javi, his expression loving and gentle.

„Do you want to know a secret too?” he asked and Javi grinned, his heart fluttering.

Sergei looked at him, his features still bright in the dim light of the evening.

„You're the most wonderful person I know.” he said quietly, and then his smile widened „Now it's not a secret, it'a a fact, and you have to acknowledge it.” he said and Javi blinked rapidly, his throat itching.

„Did you just try to trick me into having a better self esteem?” he asked and Sergei tilted his head.

„Did it work?”

„Well, you know, kind of.” Javi said teasingly to try and not to get overwhelmed by fondness and start crying or something „Anyway, I'm dating the hottest guy in the figure skating world, that does wonders to your ego.”

Sergei snorted loudly at that and then stood up slowly, extending his hand and helping Javi get up.

„Come on, it's time for us.”

„Ah, end of the date already? I knew it was too good to be true.” Javi pouted and Sergei gave him a smug smile.

„You were right before.”

„With what?”

„That I only did that because I wanted to get laid. So-” he tugged Javi's hand, raising his eyebrows comically and Javi bursted into laughter, following him rather eagerly.

 

* * *

 

Javi was happily singing in a shower after one pretty productive training, having pretty high hopes for worlds, that were only a few short days away. But then he flinched, pretty sure that someone knocked to the door to their room, and Javi turned the water off to hear correctly. He narrowed his eyes when he recognized Nikolai's voice and heard him talking with Sergei in rapid Russian Javi couldn't understand. Feeling an unpleasant pressure in his stomach, he got dressed quickly and walked to the room. Just like he had thought, his coach was there, looking weird, and Sergei was staring at him with a mix of shock with disbelief.

„What's going on?” Javi asked carefully and Nikolai sighed, just a bit impatiently.

„Just like I told Sergei. There was an earthquake today on the north of the country, a bad one. I don't know if worlds will happen.” he said and Javi's heart sped up weirdly.

„How bad?” he squeaked out „Are we safe here?”

„Yes, yes.” Nikolai waved as if the question annyoed him „Don't worry, we're good in here. I just spent twenty minutes on explaining that to your federation.” he said, and it sounded like pretension, and Javi wondered with a sudden horror what his parents were feeling right now, and he felt sick.

„Are we going home?” he asked with difficulty and Nikolai let out a frustrated sound.

„We're not going anywhere until they make an official announcement, there's no sense-”

He was still talking, but Javi couldn't really hear him anymore, his heartbeat so loud its sound was almost deafening in his ears. He only snapped out of his daze when he felt Sergei's hand on his shoulder.

„Hey, are you okay? What's happening?”

„I don't feel good.” Javi breathed out shakily and Nikolai groaned.

„Javi, I really don't have time for this now, can't you get a grip for once-” he said and Javi started turning dizzy, but he still noticed how Sergei's expression darkened before he turned to look at their coach.

„What the hell?” he asked in Russian, letting go of Javi's shoulder „You can't blame him for feeling bad about it, the situation is pretty messed up!”

„Oh come on, it's always-”

Javi didn't listen to that anymore, his brain not able to keep up with their rapid, hissing Russian, so he just sat down on the bed heavily, trying to catch a breath. He just wanted to go home, or to cry, or to feel safe, or like someone except Sergei cared too.

The two Russians kept on talking, or more arguing, for maybe a minute longer before Nikolai left, shaking his head with disapproval, and a moment later Sergei was standing in front of Javi, cupping his face gently.

„It's okay.” he said softly and Javi exhaled shakily, trying to smile.

„I know.” he said, wrapping his arms around Sergei's middle and pressing his face to his stomach „I'm good, I just-” his voice cracked and he felt Sergei's hand on his head, carding through his hair soothingly „I don't like earthquakes.” Javi said pitifully, as if that was the sole reason, and Sergei sighed deeply, not saying a world, his hand resting on the back of Javi's neck, and Javi closed his eyes, trying to stop his body from shaking.

 

 

„You have to leave, Javi.”

Javi raised his head a little, looking at Sergei with narrowed eyes.

They were lying on a bed, Javi spread in Javi's chest and listening to the familiar sound of his boyfriend's heartbeat, feeling calmer than before.

„Are you kicking me out of our room?” he asked and Sergei just made his best _you know what I mean_ face. Javi sighed and hid his face in Sergei's t- shirt again, closing his eyes and trying to pretend that they weren't going to talk about it. Sergei let him do that, his hand running soothingly on Javi's back and helping him relax.

„Where am I supposed to go?” Javi muttered, when he finally felt strong enough „There's nothing for me, out there. And I-”

„Don't say that you owe him something, because we both know it's not true.” Sergei said steadily, the same sentence he had said so many times already. Javi sighed and sat up, his fingers tingling again and his throat itching.

Sergei sat up too, smiling at him gently, as if he could tell what was going on in Javi's head.

He probably knew, anyway. He always did.

„Come on, Javi.” he said, taking his hand and squeezing it gently „It's not a place for you.”

He was right, of course. Not a place, not a way to live, being thrown from country to country, rink to rink, each day stealing away a piece of his soul. Javi knew that, but he was so scared that by leaving Nikolai he would throw away any chance he ever had to become just a little bit better.

„I can manage. And I have you now.” Javi whispered, trying so hard to believe it himself, but Sergei just smiled at him sadly.

„This place, it- it's killing you, Javi. And I'm not enough to save you. I never thought I could, I just- I thought we would have a little bit more time.”

Javi sniffled, his breathing hitching.

„I always felt like I doesn't belong.” he admitted quietly „But I- I-” he stuttered, and a few stupid tears run down his cheeks „I love you.” he basically whined, because it was all that mattered in that moment, and Sergei inhaled shakily, his hand gently wiping Javi's tears away.

„I love you too.” he said softly and Javi's chest hurt.

„Do you really want me to go?” he asked and instantly regretted that, because it was an awful question, and he could see Sergei's eyes getting a little bit wet too, but the tears didn't fall „I'm sorry, I-” Javi mumbled but Sergei just shook his head.

„I want you to become the skater we both know you could be.” Sergei said quietlly and Javi opened his eyes, his stomach twisting „And I want you to smile, here.” Sergei continued, his thumb gently brushing skin in the corner of Javi's eye, and his smile dimmed a little „I want you to sleep, and to breathe.” he added and Javi's eyes started filling with stupid tears again.

„And what are you gonna do without me?” he asked shakily and Sergei chuckled quietly, bringing his other hand to Javi's face too.

„I'm gonna miss you.” he said, as if the was the most obvious thing in the world „And I'm gonna try to beat you on the next competititon.”

Javi chuckled at that, his heart fluttering, and he leaned against Sergei's palm, craving the warmth it was giving. He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply, and then felt a warm breath against his lips.

„I love you, no matter where you are.” Sergei said quietly „And no matter what happens, I will always love you. I need you to remember that.”

Javi didn't want to think what would happen next, with him, with them. It was still a new feeling, that he had made that decision, maybe, and that his world would turn around yet again.

He would think about it, another day. Now, he was going to kiss a person he loved and pretend that they could stay like that forever.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: worlds, more advice from Michal, serious talks and goodbyes.


	12. my heart never lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> World championships, friends, talks and goodbyes.

A few days after the earthquake it was announced that the worlds wouldn't take a place in Japan, so they all got on the plane back to Moscow. The atmosphere in the group was tense; Florent was hiding with his headphones, Miki barely said a word and the rest of the guys was keeping mostly to themselves.

Javi wasn't in the best state either, anxiety churning in his stomach, not letting him eat and keeping him awake at nights. He had emailed his parents while still in Japan, explaining to them that he would leave the group after worlds; that resulted in a very long, very tearful and probably very expensive phone call, that made Javi feel better after hearing all the love and support his family was giving him.

He was scared, of what was about to come, but there was also something calming in the awareness that he was going to leave and maybe find an environment that he could feel better in.

 

 

„There's new guy in the house.” Javi said when they were standing in Sergei's kitchen, waiting for the water to boil „Or more importantly, in my room. I guess you'll meet him on Monday training.”

„Ohh, who's that, some junior? Should I be jealous?”

„He's like, sixteen.” Javi snorted „His name's Maxim and I have to bring my best Russian game with him, because he doesn't speak any English.”

„Max? Maxim Kovtun?” Sergei asked and Javi nodded „He's a nice kid, you'll like him.”

„He's very smiley.” Javi said „Also, I spent an hour yesterday listening to Russian rap, he got really excited about it and I had no heart to interrupt him.”

„You're so nice.” Sergei said, kissing his forehead and then nose, putting his hands on Javi's waist and pulling him closer. Javi hummed contently, pressing his face against Sergei's neck.

„You're nicer.” he said and Sergei chuckled, resting his chin on the top of Javi's head.

„So it's a competition now?”

„Always.” Javi muttered, wrapping his arms around Sergei's shoulders and nuzzling closer.

„Speaking of competition-” Sergei said „- you look good out there. Really.”

Javi wondered if it wasn't strange, that there was almost not an ounce of some unhealthy competetiveness between them, not like between Javi and Florent for example. Maybe it was because of Sergei's injury that had been keeping him off the ice for so long, or maybe because that hadn't competed against each other that season and they wouldn't now. Or maybe it was because they had known how to separate things, since the very beggining. They had decided that they would learn from each other and hoping that they both could bring their best, and may the better one win.

„Wish you could be there too.” Javi said and Sergei hummed quietly, his hand resting on Javi's lower back.

„I'm pretty sure I can get a pass to the arena, so I'll be watching you.”

„You know what I mean.”

„I know.” Sergei smiled, pulling back a little so he could cup Javi's face and kiss him. They kept on making up lazily when a familiar voice made them pull apart.

„Son, you know I love you, but I'm getting scared before walking into my own kitchen.” Sergei's mom said with a grin and walked over to the counter to take care of the kettle that just started singing „You're a big boy now, so maybe find yourself some place you can do your stuff.” she said smugly and Javi groaned quietly, hiding his face in Sergei's shoulder for a moment. His own mom was pretty open person too, but Sergei's mom was on another level of bluntness.

„His ears are too innocent to listen to that!” Sergei exclaimed dramatically, covering Javi's ears and making him giggle.

„Do you really want me to make a comment about that innocent part?” she asked and Javi screeched, turning to look at her.

„No, no, I beg you.” he said quickly, his cheeks heating up, and she laughed.

„Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm just joking. You do whatever you want, I really don't mind.” she said „So, are you going back to Spain after the world championships, to visit family?”

„Yes.” Javi said, feeling an uncomfortable squeeze in his chest „I, um-” he mumbled, looking at Sergei who wrapped an arm around his shoulders reassuringly.

„Javi is leaving our coach after worlds.” he said, his voice steady and light, and her eyes widened, but then she smiled again, soft and thoughtful.

„I think it's too cold for you in here.” she said gently, touching his cheek briefly „Don't forget to come for a dinner before you leave.”

„Of course.” Javi nodded dumbly and she gave him one more smile before leaving the kitchen with a cup in her hand.

„She'll miss you.” Sergei said and Javi sighed, leaning against his shoulder.

„I'll miss her too.” he admitted and swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the thought that the day was coming, faster than he would like „She's my favourite person in the whole country.”

„Oh really.” Sergei chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of his head „So now I've to compete with my own mother for your heart?”

Javi looked at Sergei, at his find smile and bright eyes, and almost said something incredibly cheesy, something like _you already have it_ , but it would probably turn out shaky and heavy and teary, and they didn't need that. So Javi just smiled, his lips inched from Sergei's.

„Good you're a tough competitor.” he muttered before kissing Sergei and cutting him off promptly.

 

* * *

 

The worlds were good, finally. Javi landed his two quads and it felt so good, to be able to deliver a nice program. He was happy, and Nikolai seemed happy too, but his expression when Javi told him he was going to leave was kind of hilarious. But he collected himself quickly and gave him a small, not exactly nice smile.

„I'm not keeping you here.” he said, shrugging „Because I don't need you, Javi. It's the other way around.”

Javi didn't say anything- just politely thanked for the years of working together.

And then he went out for drinks with Sergei and Michal, who was still in Moscow and who was having an emotional crisis yet again.

„I'm cursed! Cursed!” he yelled, hitting the table with his fist „I know, being fourth is not that bad, but how long?”

„You were great, Michal.” Sergei smiled with sympathy.

„You're gonna kick ass next season.” Javi added and Michal sighed, his expression changing into more dreamy.

„By the way, I saw an angel.” he announced suddenly.

„Oh?”

„I saw her in a backstage on Friday and I think I fell in love right on the spot.”

„Wow, who's that?”

„Her name's Danielle, she skates in pairs for Israel and she's the most stunning human being I've seen.”

„Wait, Danielle Montalbano?” Javi asked and Michal nodded „She and Evgeni train in Hackensack, we used to hang out sometimes. You want me to introduce you the next time?”

„Oh my god, Fernandez, I love you.” Michal exclaimed and then glanced at Sergei, giving him a sly smile „Don't worry, I'm not gonna steal your man.” he said and both Sergei and Javi almost spat out their drinks.

„What?”

„Come on, guys, I'm not stupid.” Michal said, rolling his eyes „In January Javi was sobbing about his epic love story and own stupidity, and you're here being all disgusting with heart- eyes.”

„Uhh.” Javi looked at Sergei, who seemed to be stunned „Are we that obvious?”

„To be honest, not really, I'm playing with you.” Michal admitted but then made a face „I only knew for sure because I saw you guys making out behind a soda machine.”

„Oh my god.” Javi whined while Sergei started laughing.

„You're super cute, guys, I approve this.” Michal grinned and then changed the topic swiftly, clearly didn't want to press them into talking about their private life. Javi was feeling slightly embarassed, but really pleased with how their friend reacted to the news.

It was giving him hope for some distant, bright future in which hopefully the whole world would know.

 

 

He spent his last three days in Moscow copped up in Sergei's apartment, enjoying last moments together. They watched movies, and cooked, walked around and slept in one bed, and Javi wondered, at the age of twenty, if this is how it would be, one day, everyday.

The day before his flight Sergei's mom prepared for him his favourite food and they spent a nice afternoon, just the three of them, laughing and talking and pretending that it wasn't the last time.

„Take care of yourself, Javi.” she said softly, kissing his cheek and hugging him tightly „And visiti sometime, okay?”

„I'll try my best.” he said and she smiled before grabbing her bag and leaving for her sister to give them some privacy during that last night.

„She was afraid that her earplugs wouldn't save her.” Sergei said the moment the door closed and Javi groaned.

„You're terrible.” he said fondly, pecking him on the lips, but then noticed a flash of some weird expression in Sergei's eyes „Everything okay?”

Sergei chewed on his bottom lip, as if he was making a decision, and he looked unexpectedly serious.

„Javi-” Sergei started slowly „Listen, I just want-” he hesitated and Javi narrowed his eyes suspiciously; it wasn't really in Sergei's style to think too long before speaking. Also, Javi couldn't help but notice that Sergei looked a little bit distressed, a trace of some resigned sadness in his hunched shoulders.

„What's going on?” Javi asked and Sergei sighed quietly.

„Look, you're leaving, and we don't know where you'll be, and what- what will happen.” Sergei said, slowly and carefully, wincing just a little bit „I just want to say, that... if you meet someone and you'll want-”

„What?”

„I just-” Sergei sighed again, sounding somewhat resigned „I just don't want you feel like you owe me something.”

„What-” Javi breathed out, pressure heavy in his chest „Are- are you breaking up with me?”

„No, no.” Sergei rushed, his expression conflicted „Javi, I love you, but you- you deserve to have someone right next to you, and if you find-”

„Shut up.” Javi said, his blood rushing as he made his way to Sergei, standing close „Shut up.” he repeated quietly and Sergei blinked rapidly.

„Wha-”

„You don't get to do that!” Javi exclaimed „You can't- you can't make everything about me!”

Sergei's expression turned confused, and Javi noticed briefly that his breathing hitched.

„I-” Sergei tried and failed, biting his lip; Javi had never seen him so uncertain before and his heartbeat quickened.

„You do.” he said quietly, one hand cupping Sergei's cheek „You put me first, always. And I love you for that, so much, but you can't do that.”

„I just want you to be happy.” Sergei said in a small voice.

„And I want you to be happy, too.” Javi said quietly, swallowing hard „So if you find someone else-”

„Stop.” Sergei said quietly „I'm not going to-”

„Me neither.” Javi said, leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together „You made me fall in love with you, you can't just-” he fumbled with the words and then inhaled deeply „You told me you love me, wherever we would be. And I'm gonna do the same.”

Sergei exhaled deeply and then smiled, finally.

„Sorry.” he murmured, blushing a little „But I hope you can deal with me being a little bit dramatic.”

„I'm dramatic all the time.” Javi said, his thumb running along Sergei's jaw „And I get it. I'm- I'm scared too.” he admitted quietly and Sergei let out a shaky chuckle.

„Me, scared? Never.” he said and Javi felt such an overwhelming wave of fondness he almost couldn't breathe.

„Good.” Javi whispered, pressing his lips to Sergei's.

He was scared himself, a little bit. But he also knew that they would try they best, no matter how long it could take. Years, maybe. Probably. They didn't talk about it, not too much, because they both knew that they would do everything to keep the feelings between them alive.

If it was meant to be, it would happen.

Sergei was smiling when he lay on his back and Javi crawled on the top of him, hands tangling in his hair.

„Maybe you could visit, in the summer.” Javi muttered, kissing Sergei's eyebrow and then slowly moving his lips down in light, brushing touches „Before I leave, wherever I go.”

„I'd love to.” Sergei said quietly, putting his hand on the back of Javi's neck and bringing their lips together.

There was a quiet whisper in the back of Javi's head, reminding him that it would be the last time in who knows how long and realization was making his fingers shake and his chest feeling painful.

They kept on making out, hands sneaking under clothes in teasing touches, kisses turning deeper, heartbeats quickening. It was slow, unrushed, and it took them a long time to get rid of their shirts and pants as they moved against each other slowly, a ritual the all knew by heart now.

Javi whimpered quietly against Sergei's neck, overwhelmed, and Sergei kissed his temple, his hands moving soothingly.

„I've got you.” he whispered hoarsely into Javi's ear „Always.”

Javi breathed in shakily and raised on his elbows, looking down at Sergei's face, his chest too full to say anything. He moved, slowly, and Sergei gasped quietly, his body arching, fingers digging into Javi's skin. It was slow and intimate, and almost unbearably good, their bodies meeting together in a harmony that was building their pleasure steadily and unhurriedly.

Javi leaned down to kiss Sergei sloppily before sitting up, his hands bracing on Sergei's chest to have more leverage, his moves turning quicker and deeper in that position. Sergei's face twitched with pleasure as his grip on Javi's waist tightened, thrusting up in just the right angle that was making Javi writhe.

„You look so good.” Sergei muttered, one if his hands sliding down Javi's thigh teasingly „I'm gonna miss you so much.” he added, almost like he was talking to himelf, and Javi shivered, grinding his hips harder and making them both moan.

„I'll miss you too.” Javi whimpered, his moves becoming erratic as he was nearing his relief „Promise that you won't leave-” he pleaded, feeling oddly vulnerable, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes „- that you'll stay in my life, even if-” he choked out and Sergei's face crumbled

„I'll never leave you.” he said, his voice strangled, and he wrapped his hand around Javi, stroking him fast and smooth, and Javi's body jolted.

They finished only seconds apart, sharing the same pleasure and rapid breathing. And when Javi finally found enough strength to lift himself from Sergei's chest to look at him, he noticed with surprize that his cheeks were wet.

„Hey.” Javi mumbled, bringing his hand to Sergei's face, feeling wetness on his fingertips „What's going on? Are you okay?”

„I'm fine, I just-” Sergei started, blinking rapidly, but then he shook his head, smiling softly „I'm fine.” he whispered and leaned in to kiss Javi, deeply and longingly, and Javi kissed him back, because no words could change anything right now anyway.

 

* * *

 

The ride to the airport wasn't sad and quiet, because the taxi driver recognized Sergei and kept on babbling excitedly about how he had seen him getting his first Russian championship. Javi was kind of grateful for that chatter, because silence would make the situation feel more heavy and meaningful, somehow more final than it already was.

It felt almost surreal, checking in his luggage and walking to the departures, Sergei walking by his side quietly. They stopped close to the security check and Javi felt itchiness in his throat again.

„So-” Javi started slowly, not really knowing what to say, or how to say everything he was feeling.

„Have a safe flight.” Sergei said softly, smiling „And write me, okay?”

„I'm not as poor as before, so I will even call you.” Javi said, smiling back despite the dull pain in his chest „And you still need to visit.”

„I will.” Sergei nodded and then glanced over Javi's shoulder and surpressed a sigh „You've half an hour, you should go.”

„Okay. Yeah, I probably should.” Javi said, a nervous laughter bubbling in his throat „I-” he hesitated and Sergei shook his head, placing his hand on Javi's neck- the only gesture they could allow themselves.

If it was the other place, or if they were someone else, it could be different. But they were who they were, and it was the best goodbye they could have.

„You're gonna do some great things.” Sergei said quietly, his thumb drawing circles on Javi's skin „I believe in you.”

Javi smiled.

„I love you too.” he whispered and Sergei bit his lower lip, as if surpressing a chuckle. And then, he took a step back, his hand slipping off Javi's shoulder.

„Goodbye, Javi.” he said and Javi took a deep breath.

„Goodbye.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys know that this fic will be like 100k words of feels, right?


	13. make it all better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big moves, big words and big feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Horizontal line means sexy times that I haven't reread so pls forgive if it's too cringy???

It was good, to be back in Madrid, walk down familiar streets, catching up with old friends. First weeks after coming from Moscow were incredibly hard; Javi was so anxious about his future he could barely sleep, something pills or long night runs couldn't help him with. He didn't complain to anyone about that, but he could tell they new, his mom's expression turning worried everytime she saw him. Javi hated that he was causing her so much problems. He didn't regret leaving Nikolai, not really, but he couldn't help but think that his poor career was over now. It wasn't like anyone exactly cared.

But then he had a meeting with his federation, long talks about expectations happened and suddenly it was decided that he would go to Toronto, Canada. Javi didn't really know Brian Orser that well- they had seen each other a few time during some competitions and one or two summer camps. He seemed nice, and Javi thought that maybe they could work well together. Canada was far away, but Javi knew that he didn't really had much choice if he didn't want to go back to Russia.

„Canada, huh?” Sergei's voice was a bit muffled and Javi wrapped the phone cable around his finger nervously „When are you leaving?”

„In a month.” Javi said, biting his lower lip, his heart speeding up.

„Hmm.” Sergei muttered and Javi heard how he fumbled with some papers „So I could come on 13th and stay for... three days.” Sergei announced cheerfuly and Javi's heart clenched „Would that be okay?”

„Yes. Yes, yes.” Javi said quickly and Sergei chuckled.

„And that's what I call enthusiasm.” he said warmly „Now hang up or you're gonna pay millions for that call.”

„It's worth it.” Javi said but then sighed „I love you.” he said quietly.

„I love you too.”

He barely put the handset down when Laura materialized next to him with the biggest grin on her face.

„That was the cutest shit ever.” she announced and he rolled his eyes „Not nice to eavesdrop.” he said, walking back to his room, and she followed him.

„Not my fault we've phone in the place when everyone can hear, get yourself a cellphone finally.” Laura said, throwing herself on Javi's bed.

„Yeah, I'm gonna need that on the other side of the world.” Javi muttered and Laura's smile dimmed.

„It sucks that you're gonna be so far away.” she sighed „You're super annoying, but I'll miss you.”

„You better do.” Javi said with a slight smile „I'll miss you too, even tho you're more annoying.”

Laura snorted and sticked her tongue at him, and then her expression turned thoughtful.

„So-” she started „- he's coming here?”

„Yeah, in two weeks. Guess it's time to tell mom and dad.” Javi chuckled and Laura tilted her head.

„You're really serious about it.” she said „About him.”

„I am.” Javi nodded „What, is it so weird that I can be serious about something?” he asked jokingly and Laura shook her head.

„No, it's just-” she sighed „You're just twenty years old, do you really feel- I'm just saying that long distance relationships are hard, Javi, and I don't want you to get hurt.”

Laura's eyes were serious and Javi smiled at her; he knew that she was saying all of that because she cared about him and wanted to protect him, so he sat down next to her and took her hand.

„I don't know what's going to happen. But I know that I need him, and that he needs me. And you know, maybe, one day we'd break up-” his voice cracked a little, so he cleared his throat before continuing „- I just need him in my life. He basically saved me, you know?”

Laura looked at him for a moment and there was a flash of sadness in her eyes.

„Was it that hard?” she asked finally and Javi sighed.

„It was.” he admitted quietly „But I'm better now.”

Laura smiled at him sweetly and put her head on his shoulder, squeezing his hand.

„You know, I really googled him.” she said after a moment „And you were right- he's hot.”

„Oh my god, you better stay away from my man, when he comes here.” he exclaimed and then sighed longingly „But he's really, really hot.”

„Is it a moment we share stories about our sex life?” Laura asked and Javi wiggled his eyebrows.

„You go for snacks and I'm getting beers.”

„Deal, see you in five.”

 

They all were sitting by the kitchen table, just finished eating dinner, and Javi cleared his throat.

„Uhh, mom, dad-” he started and Laura sent him an encouraging smile „I, uh- so my friend is coming to visit next Thursday, will you be okay with him staying in here, just for a few days?”

„Of course, honey.” his mom smiled „Is that someone from your old training group? This is so nice!” she looked at him expectantly and Laura kicked him under the table and Javi took a deep breath.

„He's my boyfriend.” he blurted out and his parents loked at him in unison, and Javi felt an urge to keep talking „Yeah, so, um, we just want to spend some time together before I leave, so I hope it's okay-”

„I can't believe!” his dad exclaimed and Javi froze, not able to decipher his expression, and he started to panic.

„I-” he tried by was cut off again.

„I can't believe you didn't tell me! Where's our men solidarity?”

„Uh-” Javi mumbled, confused, and then his mom decided to chime in.

„I'm his mother, he should tell me first!”

Javi gaped while Laura snickered.

„Be jealous, I've known for half a year.” she said proudly and their parent let out a collective gasp.

„You're having a boyfriend for half a year?!”

„Actually, a year-” Javi muttered and that only caused an avalanche of questions that Javi had to answer and in between wondered how he could even think they would freak out.

 

„Are you nervous?” Antonio asked and Javi flashed him a smile.

„Excited. I miss him.”

„I'm really curious about him.” Antonio said „For what you've told us he doesn't need a dad talk.”

„Definitely not.” Javi chuckled and then moved his gaze back to the arrivals exit, bouncing on his feet and searching the crowd. His family was extremely excited to meet Sergei, although his mom also had the _relationships are hard_ talk that ended up with her tearing up a little when she heard a big part of the story.

Javi's heart made a salto when he saw Sergei, and it felt both like he hadn't seen him a day before or two years earlier. Their eyes met and Javi had that weird feeling of the entire world fading away, and was brought to reality by his father's hand on his back.

„Go, I can see you want to.”

So with his father's blessing, Javi ran forward like in the clichest of movies and they met halfway in a tight embrace.

„Hey there.” Sergei muttered against his neck, holding him close „Looks like you missed me.”

Javi just muttered something incoherently and hugged him tighter, and Sergei chuckled softly.

„There's some guy watching us with the biggest grin I've ever seen.”

„That's my dad.” Javi said, pulling back and looking at Sergei's face, and he could feel himself smiling „Come on, he can't wait to meet you.”

„Hi!” Javi's dad smiled widely, shaking Sergei's hand „So nice to finally meet you!”

„Thank you, the pleasure is all mine.” Sergei said politely and Antonio chuckled.

„Oh, my wife is going to love you. You've everything? Great, so we can go.”

They sat in the back of the car, because Javi was physically unable to let go of Sergei's hand.

„If you guys want to make out, I can totally avoid looking in the mirror.” Javi's dad announced cheerfully and Javi rolled his eyes.

„I can contain myself.” he declared, but put his head on Sergei's shoulder and closing his eyes, enjoying that they could be so close again. Sergei squeezed his hand and kissed the top of his head.

„Aww that's so cute.” Antonio cooed and Javi sighed.

„You said you wouldn't look?”

„Well, I can't contain myself, I guess.” his dad laughed, shaking his head „You guys are so cute!”

„Daaaad!” Javi whined „You're embarassing me!”

„That's my job.”

 

Sergei charmed Javi's mom so bad she barely could take her eyes off of him the whole evening, talking to him in her very minimal English and giving him his brightest smiles. Laura was containing herself, being perfectly nice and funny, but the moment Sergei went to take a shower she cornered Javi in his bedroom.

„Oh. My. God.” she exclaimed „First of all, his even hotter in person. Second, his smile could heal cancer, and third, you guys are ridiculous.”

„Okay?” Javi laughed and she looked at him fondly.

„I was kinda sceptical, but I can see you hit a jackpot with this guy, I mean, the hearteyes you're giving each other? Disgusting.”

„Well, I'm happy you find us disgusting.” Javi made a face and she chuckled, shaking her head.

„You know, like I said- I had my doubts. But this guy? He'd never hurt you.” Laura said with full confidence and her smile softened „I'm crossing my fingers for you.” she added and Javi's heart fluttered.

„You're the best.”

„Of course I am.”

 

It was different than in Moscow.

There, they couldn't really show too much affection in public, but in Spain it was different. No one knew them, no one cared. They held hands while walking around the city and laughed when Sergei got sunburnt and was pouting for the whole day.

It was lovely and warm and amazing, and Javi enjoyed every second of it, not allowing himself to think what would happen after. They had only three days of themselves and Javi wasn't going to ruin that with being a crybaby.

His family was amazing too, wonderful and welcoming, and clearly so excited that Javi was having someone in his life. They were trying their best to engage him in conversations and where just as warm as Javi had been hoping.

The most fun conversation happened on the second day of Sergei's visit, when they were peacefully eating lunch.

„Sergei, I hope you don't mind if I speak with them in Spanish for a minute? I've some uninteresting family matter to discuss.” Laura said, smiling brightly, and Sergei smiled back.

„Not a problem.”

„Great.” Laura grinned and then switched to Spanish, turning to look at their parents „So I was thinking we could go to aunt Maria's tonight.” she announced „She'd love to see us, I can bet.”

„Of course she would, but we've a guest-” their dad started but then his expression turned smug „Actually, it's a great idea, my favourite child, I'll call her in a second.”

„Why-” Javi started, confused, and Laura rolled her eyes.

„You're not going, obviously, that's the point.” she said and he blinked, still not getting it.

„I don't underst- oh my god!” he yelped „LAURA!!!”

„What? I'm looking out for you, little brother.” she said innocently and Javi whined, hiding his face in his hands, and Sergei looked absolutely lost.

„What's going on?” he asked and Javi looked at him, feeling like laughing.

„They're just like your mom, they want to leave us alone so we can have sex.” he deadpanned and Sergei choked on his water, and Javi's mom had to pat his back to save him.

„Umm, yeah, I'd be grateful.” he muttered, and then his face turned into a tomatoe and Laura laughed hysterically.

 

* * *

 

So now they were alone, and on a good way to have sex; it was going like usual, making out and bickering in between kisses, and somewhere along the way Javi made a joke about switching things up and Sergei looked at him with raised eyebrows.

„Oh really?” he asked and Javi gaped, feeling hot and awkward.

„Umm, I mean, why not?” he stammered, fiddling with his fingers. To be honest, thinking about it was kind of exciting, but Javi had never felt any urge to change anything in their sex life, because it was pretty damn good. But now he had kinda suggested it himself, so he could as well went with it.

Right?

He had his first mini breakdown just when they got rid of their clothes.

„What if I mess up and it's gonna be awful?” Javi stressed out and Sergei sighed, rolling his eyes.

„I don't think you can do awful in that matter.” he said, shaking his head and giving Javi a fond smile „But if you don't feel like it, or don't like it at any point, you tell me and it's gonna be totally fine. Okay?”

„Okay.” Javi muttered and then kissed Sergei, pushing him gently to lay down on his back. It wasn't like he felt awkward or uncomfortable- he just wanted to make it good, and he was just a bit anxious. Sergei didn't rush him, kissing him deeply and then helping him guide his hand gently. Javi knew what to do, obviously, so after a moment he felt a little bit more confident, and the pleased expression on Sergei's face was telling him that he was doing a good job so far.

„Ohh that's good.” Sergei muttered, throwing his head back and Javi used the opportunity to kiss his neck „Real- oh.” he yelped and Javi looked at him.

„Good oh or bad oh?” he asked and Sergei chuckled breathlessly.

„Definitely good.” he said and Javi grinned, resuming his work and making sure to find the same spot.

It was pretty amazing, to be able to watch Sergei like that, from so close, his face both focused and filled with pleasure, and Javi's heart felt so, so big.

„When was the last time?” he asked, his lips pressed against Sergei's throat, and he chuckled breathlessly.

„Really, really long.” he said and then gasped quietly, his eyes closing for a moment „Shit, this is good.” he breathed out shakily.

„Why you never told me before that you'd like to try it?” Javi murmured, moving to kiss his collarbone and Sergei shivered.

„Slow steps.” he gasped and Javi felt his hand in his hair, forcing him to move up and kiss him on the lips. It was hot and deep and just on the beggining of desperate, and suddenly Javi was painfully aware of how hard he was.

„Okay, that's good, I'm good.” Sergei mumbled, kind of impatiently, and Javi sat back on his heels, quickly grabbing everything he needed and preparing himself rather quickly.

And then, he hesitated.

„Umm-” he stammered, suddenly unsure of what to do now, because well, he was used to being in that... position „So, uh-”

He could feel himself blushing furiosly, getting really embarassed, but Sergei just shook his head, sitting up and taking Javi's face in his hands.

„You're the cutest.” he said, kissing him deeply before pulling back and looking at Javi's face intently for a moment before turning on his hands and knees and Javi almost got a heartattack.

„I see you've preferences.” he managed to say and Sergei glanced over his shoulder, eyebrows raised.

„You've any objections?” he asked teasingly and Javi just shook his head, putting his hands on Sergei's hips.

Minutes later Javi's only complain was that he was about to die.

„Oh my god.” he mumbled, leaning forward and pressing his face between Sergei's shoulder blades „That's how I die, oh god.”

„Can you wait with dying a few more minutes?” Sergei muttered, reaching back to touch Javi's hair, and Javi chuckled shakily against his skin.

„I'll try my best.” he said, slowly pulling back and then moving back in. He had to be slow at first, both because he wanted to be careful and also he didn't want to embarass himself. It was pretty difficult, because it felt so good already, their bodies still knowing how to move against each other, the room filled only with the sound of skin on skin, their rapid breathing and quiet, choked out whimpers.

„You're doing so good, baby.” Sergei breathed out and Javi felt a sharp shiver of pleasure running down his spine, his hips stuttering a bit and drawing a shaky moan out of Sergei „That's it, that's it.” he panted and Javi realized that he wouldn't last very long now, the sensation too strong to fight with it.

It was fast and frantic now, and Javi was breathing hard, not really able to control his movements anymore, and he could hear his own high, desperate whine.

„I'm close-” he hissed through his gritted teeth, his hold on Sergei's hips tighter, and Sergei moaned quietly, one of his hands sliding down his front to touch himself, letting out fast, raspy breaths, and Javi could feel his body trembling around him.

Sergei came first, with a muffled, broken cry, and Javi would feel kinda proud of himself, but he wasn't able to form a coherent thoguht for long minutes, his body spasming and his heart beating so fast he thought it was going to escape his chest.

„Are you okay?” he asked hoarsely and Sergei opened his eyes slowly, his face flushed.

„Mhhh.” he mumbled, pulling Javi against his chest and resting his cheek on the top of his head.

„Okay.” Javi said, wrapping his arms around him „So I guess it was respectable?” he asked, a bit anxiously, and Sergei chuckled.

„How do you think?” he asked, taking Javi's face in his hands and kissing him sloppily, and Javi grinned against his lips, relaxing completely. He hummed contently when they broke the kiss and he rested his head on Sergei's shoulder, arms wrapping around his middle.

It was all so warm and familiar, the heat of their bodies, scent of their skin, calming rhythm of their heartbeats. It was precious, and it was important, and Javi wished he could store that feeling somewhere deep in his chest and recall it during long Canadian nights that he knew were coming.

„What is this face, hmmm?” he heard suddenly and felt lips pressing against his nose „You're having some serious interior monologue?”

„No.” Javi grinned, climbing on top of Sergei and leaning down „I was thinking about how much time we have before they get back.”

„Oh, and how much is it?” Sergei asked with a teasing smile and Javi's heart sped up as he leaned in to kiss him.

„All the time in the world.”

 

* * *

 

Javi was truly, honestly, terrible with goodbyes.

„Hey, hey, don't cry.” Sergei pleaded, taking Javi's face in his hands, and Javi sniffled.

„I'm sorry, I didn't want to-” he mumbled, trying to get a grip and failing miserably. He had promised himself he would stay calm and collected, but now he just couldn't hold back. Maybe it was the sudden realization of that goodbye's finality; because now they wouldn't see each other in long months, in the worst case even a year, and Javi couldn't stop the tears from falling.

„It's okay.” Sergei whispered, stroking Javi's cheeks; his voice was strangled and Javi wanted to look at his face, but Sergei held him gently and pressed his lips against Javi's forehead „You'll be so busy you won't even have time to miss me too much.” he said, clearly trying to lighten the situation up, but Javi just clinged to his shoulders and tried not to sob.

„I know that it's gonna be okay.” Javi mumbled „But I'm gonna miss you so much. Too much.”

„I'm gonna miss you too.” Sergei said quietly „But I need you to remember-” he cut himself off quickly and took a deep, shaky breath, as if he was collecting himself.

He was always the stronger one of the two.

„I love you.” he said, quietly and clearly, and Javi's heart fluttered.

„I love you too.” he barely had time to whisper before he falt warm list pressed against his in a short, sweet kiss.

And then he pulled back and grabbed his bag, giving Javi one more strained smile.

„Take care of yourself, okay?”

Javi was only able to nod and attempt a smile, and then Sergei turned around and walked straight to security, and Javi couldn't really breathe.

He stood there, staring numbly, until he felt someone touching his shoulder gently.

„Excuse me.” a young woman said, smiling at him gently „Are you okay?”

„Yeah, I was just-” Javi waved helplessly and she nodded with understanding.

„Look, me and my boyfriend are going to the city now, do you need a ride? We've our own car.”

Javi blinked, surprized by so much kindness, but her smile was kind and honest, and he didn't really feel like going all the way back home in an crowded train.

„Thank you.” he said, clearing his throat „I'd like that, this is very nice of you.”

„It's okay.” she said „It's never easy, to say goodbye to someone we love.”

„Yeah. It's not.”

 

A week later he followed Sergei's footsteps, heading to the security check and hearing his mom muffled sobs, and biting his lips so hard he felt blood.

He had to do it. Not only for himself, but also for his family, to make all that sacrifice finally worth it.

He would do good. He would.

 


	14. the distance between us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First weeks of being apart, figuring stuff out and making friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my relationshipless ass while wrtiting this chapter: is this how people talk? how things work? IDK  
> I hope you enjoy guys!

Toronto was enormous. It was also so busy Javi almost didn't have time to be stressed, first days after arriving filled with search for an apartment and getting to know the people and the rink he would be training at. It was all a little bit hectic, bright and new and a tiny bit terrifying, but it wasn't the first time Javi had to go through that process, so he managed, like he always did.

Everyone was so nice, also, and Javi was a bit surprized by that. Brian was a kind man, but with stern rules, and Javi needed some time to get used to that, because Brian's methods were so different from Nikolai's that Javi was slightly shocked. The thing was, Brian really cared, he cared about Javi's results and frame of mind, and Javi wasn't sure how to deal with that.

Moving all the way across the ocean fucked up his sleeping schedule even more and he counted it a win if he could fall asleep before 3am, and he would show up at practice slightly late and still sleepy, met with Brian's disapproval. But yet again, it wasn't beacuse he was looking for reasons to be angry at Javi. He was a nice man, a kind and talented one, and Javi felt good under his guidance. Training were good, his quad sal was getting even more solid and Javi was feeling hopeful for the season; but when Brian and David asked him what music he would like to skate to, he gaped at them, probably looking very dumb.

„Umhh.” he started eloquently „You mean, I can- I can choose?”

„Well, you tell us what you'd like to skate to and I'm sure we can agree on something.” David smiled and Javi blinked helplessly; he had never really had too much to say about his programs, and now he was overwhelmed by all the possibilities, but also responsibility.

It took them some time, but they found two nice pieces for Javi to skate to. He was digging the short more, but free was nice to, and it was fun to try himself in classical music. Everything seemed more fun, somehow, when it came to trainings, more fun but also more productive. It was new, to be getting so much attention, but valued it so, so much.

Life in Toronto was... refreshing. The city was beautiful and Javi enjoyed his walks to and from the rink, small bits of sightseeing on the weekends. But it was lonely, too.

Javi had brought a cat with himself, a fluffball named Effie, and it was so nice to have someone waiting for him to come back home. Living alone was cool, of course, and Javi appreciated that after years of living with a group of people; but there were moments when he missed all of that, when he missed quiet chatter, always present in the background, and he even missed Maxim and his excited babbling in Russian or broken English.

He missed Sergei too, a lot, but he got used to that feeling surprizingly quickly. It was a dull pressure, settled somewhere deep in his chest, as if something was missing. It wasn't comfortable, but he had no other choice than to live with it, just like he knew Sergei was dealing with it too, yet another thing they had to share across the world. Love, pain, longing, memories of everything that had already happened and hopes for what was yet to come.

Javi had heard dreadful stories about long distance relationship, how they crushed and burned, but he wasn't scared of that,

Javi and Sergei, they didn't put any pressure on each other, since the very beggining. They called two, three times a week, they exchanged emails but didn't expect the answer right away. In the end, they were still athletes, both of them, and they knew how things worked. They trusted each other, and they missed each other, but they couldn't ignore that they had to live their lives differently than before.

„Everyone misses you in here.” Sergei said one Saturday, when it was early enough for Javi to still stay in bed „Especially Max, he complains he can't practice English with you anymore.”

„Ahh, I miss him too, except of when he was playing that weird rap.” Javi chuckled „Does Nikolai even remember my name?”

„You know how he is.” Sergei sighed „Let's not get into that, okay?”

„Okay.” Javi agreed, switching the topic a little „How are your programs? Coming together?”

„Slowly.” Sergei said and Javi could hear an undertone in his voice that made him sit straight up.

„Is everything okay? Is it your leg?”

„You don't worry about it, Javi.” Sergei said quickly „I'm fine.”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed suspiciously „Keep your secrets, but if something happens-”

„I'll tell you, don't worry.” Sergei said and Javi knew he was being honest „When's your first competiton?”

„Uhh, Nebelhorn. Then Skate Canada and Rostelecom.”

„I might get a spot at Rostelecom.” Sergei said suddenly and Javi gasped.

„Really? That would be awesome!”

„Yeah, it's the only chance for me to get an assingment this year, since I wasn't worthy two spots.” Sergei said, his voice light and joking, and Javi scrunched his nose, not really knowing what to answer, but Sergei picked the conversation up immediately.

„So, I know all about your coaches already, now I'm waiting for other news!”

„Other news?”

„Well, what are your favourite spots in the city? Made some friends?”

„Uhh, yeah, sure, I-” Javi stammered and Sergei chuckled softly.

„Oh Javi.” he said fondly „You can't sit in your flat all the time. You don't want to hang out with anyone?”

„I want to hang out with you.” Javi muttered and he could swear Sergei's breathing hitched on the other side of the line.

„I miss you too.” he said softly and Javi smiled to himself.

„Oh yes? What do you miss the most?”

„Hmm, let's see.” Sergei wondered playfully „You remember how you cooked a paella once? I miss that for sure.”

„Oh so you miss me only for my skills?” he asked and he could basically hear Sergei's grin.

„You have to spicify which skills.” he muttered and Javi felt a slight shiver at his tone.

„I'm sorry, but are we going to have phone sex now?”

„Are we?” Sergei asked in a dramatic whisper and Javi whined sheepishly, throwing an arm over his eyes.

„It's 8am.” he complained and Sergei laughed.

„Well, mom is sitting right next to me, so probably a bad idea. For now.” a moment of fumbling and distant whispers „Mom says hi and hopes you eat well.”

„Tell her I miss her too and that I eat very healthy.”

„Good.” Sergei said and then sighed „I need to go, I still have some stuff to pack, ugh.”

„When I'm coming to Moscow you need to show me your new place.”

„When you're coming to Moscow, I'm not letting you out of my bed.” Sergei said and Javi giggled.

„You're so lucky your mom doesn't understand English, oh my god.”

„She would approve.”

„Yeah, I bet she would.” Javi said; he knew it was time to hang up, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. There was something quiet and intimate, in just sitting like that, sharing breathes through the crappy phone signal, and his heart squeezed with longing.

„It's the moment when you should hang up.” Sergei said quietly.

„You hang up.” Javi said stubbornly and Sergei chuckled.

„I'm going to do that, because I don't want you to pay hundreds of dollars for your phone bill.” Sergei said „Next time I'm calling you so I pay.”

„Wow, you and your money talks, how romantic.” Javi snorted and Sergei chuckled.

„I love you and I'm hanging up!” he exclaimed and Javi grinned.

„I love you more!” he yelled before tapping a button, being the first one to end the call.

They really liked competition, in the end.

 

* * *

 

He started going out, after some time. Everyone around him was so nice, so when he got invited for a party by one guy he knew from the club, he agreed. It was fun, and he met a lot of people- other athletes, some of them skaters, some of them now, some of them studying. He was having such a good time, and somehow he found himself talking a lot with one really nice ice dancer. Cortney was her name. She was fun, and Javi was having a really great time.

Until she leaned in to kiss him.

Javi's brain short circuited and a heartbeat later he pulled back so rapidly he almost fell on his back, a screech forming in his throat. Poor Cortney looked confused and a little bit hurt, but she still tried to gave him a tight smile.

„I'm sorry, I-”

„No, uhh, that's okay, I mean-” Javi stuttered, gesticulating wildly „- you're lovely and I'm having a great time, but I'm, uh, I'm taken? I'm sorry if I acted like I was in-”

„Oh no, no!” Cortney shook her head quickly, her cheeks flushed „I, uh, I got a little bit ahead of myself, I'm so sorry, and I guess all the wine I drank made me kind of-” she rambled and then sighed, her shoulders hanging „Do you wanna go to grab some fries?” she asked and Javi blinked, still dumbfounded.

And then, he nodded.

Twenty minutes later they were sitting at McDonald's, eating fries and drinking soda, and it almost wasn't awkward anymore.

„I'm really sorry.” Cortney offered once again, giving him an embarassed smile „It wasn't cool from me.”

„That's fine, I just didn't, umm, expect that?” Javi said slowly and she gave him a crooked smile.

„I just need you to know, you didn't do anything. Like, you didn't encourage me or something, I just had good time with you and I thought you're cute and-” she blushed and Javi felt a wave of sympathy towards her, mixed with relief that he hadn't done some unintentional flirting.

„That's okay.” he said gently „I mean, I don't blame you, I came alone and I'm really cute indeed.” he said jokingly, trying to lighten up the mood and she snorted.

„And so humble.” she said with a laugh and then tilted her head „So, where's the lucky one? If you don't mind telling me, of course.” she rushed and Javi smiled at her.

„All the way back in Europe.” he said and Cortney's eyes widened with interest.

„Oh so it's long distance? Wow. That's brave.”

„It's... not easy.” Javi said „But you know it's valuable when you've to fight for it a little, right?”

„Oh you're a thinker!” Cortney grinned „That was a pretty charming line, I gotta say.”

„I get that a lot.” Javi said and Cortney laughed, and he thought that maybe he got himself a first friend in here.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: grand prix season is here and time stops for no one.


	15. you're my melody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grand prix is here and Javi is still shit at goodbyes.

 

„Well, that's a smile!” Tracy laughed and Javi looked up at her, blinking rapidly „Thinking about someone special?”

„Uhh.” Javi shrugged, smiling sheepishly and Tracy smiled back.

„I can recognize boys in love, I've sons.” she said, winking „But you still need to be on the ice in five.”

„Sure.” Javi nodded, going back to tying his skates.

There was only one week left till Skate Canada and he was feeling pretty good, kind of confident, even. Brian's methods, so unfamiliar at the very beggining, seemed to be working and Javi was kind proud of what he had already achieved in such short period of time.

But the reason why he was smiling so widely wasn't only because his good trainings; it was mostly because Sergei had finally had convinced his computer to cooperate and they had a really, really fun date and thinking about it was making him blush. He honestly couldn't wait for the end of November and an opportunity to see Sergei. Somehow missing him wasn't making Javi feel miserable, more motivating him, if anything. He honestly was excited about the fact that they would have a chance to compete against each other; if he was any less sure about their feelings for each other he probably would be a little anxious about that, scared that it would put a strain between them; but he was confident enough in what they had to care about that.

„Javi, one minute, you don't want Brian to get angry!” Tracy yelled and Javi got up rapidly, rushing to the ice- he really didn't want to give his coach more reasons to throw stuff around. Or at him.

 

 

It was surreal.

Javi blinked against the harsh light and saw Spanish flag in the distance, and he was feeling something heavy hanging from his neck. He glanced on his side and saw Patrick Chan and Daisuke Takahashi, and a moment later his ears filled with a melody of the Canadian anthem.

He just won a medal. A grand prix medal.

It felt so, so surreal. But also so, so right.

 

* * *

 

„I'm so proud of you!” Sergei cooed and Javi giggled, throwing himself on the bed. He had just finished talking with his family and he was deliberating if Sergei was asleep or not, and in that exact moment there was a signal of an incoming call.

„I still can't believe it. This is like... wow.” Javi said, staring at the silver medal in his hand „I feel like someone will burst in here and tell me it was a mistake-”

„No mistake.” Sergei said firmly „You deserved it. You worked so hard.” he giggled devilishly „I can't wait to break the news to Nikolai tomorrow, hope no one will beat me to that.”

„You're awful.” Javi snorted „Why are you training with someone you dislike so much?”

„It's not like I hate him, I just like to watch him pretending he's not pissed.”

Javi just smiled at that; he knew that Sergei had his issues with Nikolai too, but the cooperation was working for him most of time. Javi respected that, and never commented on it, leaving their career choices out of discussion.

„So, how are you going to celebrate when you come back to Toronto?” Sergei asked and Javi hummed.

„Cortney wants to take me for some celebration party.” he said and Sergei gasped.

„She better keeps her lips far away from you though.” he said and Javi groaned; of course, he had told Sergei about everything that happened- or what didn't happen- and Sergei acted like everything was cool, but Javi could swear he was just a tiny bit jealous, in a way that it was still charming and not annoying.

Cortney was probably the closes friend Javi had in Toronto now; she was sweet, funny and caring, and she didn't press him into anything. Javi was pretty sure for some people it looked like they were dating, but he didn't really care about what they thought.

„Come on, you know you don't have to be jealous.” he stated the obvious and Sergei whined dramatically.

„I knew what I was signing up for when I let you move to the other side of the world.” he said and then chuckled „But for real, I'm really happy you made some friends.”

„Yeah, me too.” Javi admitted and then had to muffle a yawn with his hand „Sorry.”

„Oh no, you're probably dead on your feet.” Sergei said quickly with clear fondness „Go to sleep, I'll talk to you soon. I love you.”

„I love you more.”

„Not possible.”

„You wanna bet?”

„Deal.”

 

„You seem very excited.” Brian noticed and Javi grinned at him from his seat.

„I like Moscow.” he said, looking at the city below them, getting closer and closer every second „I mean, maybe not living there, but it's a good place for competition.”

„That's true.” Brian nodded, his smile encouraging, and Javi grinned back.

He was excited, for both competition and personal reasons, obviously, but Brian didn't have to know about that last one.

They got checked in to the hotel, Brian ordered Javi to get rest before first training the next day. Javi grinned and nodded and then quickly grabbed his phone.

A soft knock made him jump up and he basically ran to the door, his heart immediately speeding up.

„Hi-” Sergei smiled, but Javi didn't give him a chance to say anything more, because he dragged him inside and pressed against the door, kissing him rather enthusiastically. Sergei chuckled against his lips and then put his hands on Javi's hips, pulling him closer and kissing him back.

They had to part to get some air, finally, and Javi hid his face in the crook of Sergei's neck, inhaling his familiar scent and finally realizing that it was all real, after all those long months of being apart.

„Hey there.” Sergei smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of Javi's head „I see I'm not the only one who got a haircut.” he chuckled and Javi drew back rapidly, gasping.

„Oh my god!” he yelped „I haven't noticed!”

„Obviously, you were too busy jumping me.” Sergei snorted and Javi rolled his eyes, touching Sergei's much shorter hair.

„You look older.” he decided and Sergei gasped, pretending to be offended „Not old, more like... your age.” Javi explained and Sergei gaped.

„You're sinking.” he informed Javi before picking him up and making him yelp „You better shut up now if you don't want me to get mad.”

„You're incapable of getting mad.” Javi said against Sergei's neck and giggled when he got unceremoniously dropped on the bed.

„You want to bet?” Sergei asked, leaning down and kissing him and Javi grinned against his lips, grabbing the front of Sergei's shirt and pulling him closer.

It was as familiar and comfortable as if they hadn't seen each other for a day, maybe two, and not five months. But at the same time there was a hunger inside him, something small and trembling that was craving to be even closer, better.

„Take it off, take it off.” Javi muttered, tugging at Sergei's shirt and earning himself an amused glance.

„Shouldn't you be tired? You spent ten hours on a plane.” he laughed and Javi pouted.

„Pleaseee.” he whined without an ounce of shame an Sergei shook his head with a fond smile.

„You're going to be the death of me.” he said before leaning down to kiss Javi's neck, and Javi sighed with satisfaction, throwing his head against the mattress beneath him.

„Wait, why am I doing all the job?” Sergei asked suddenly, looking at Javi with a playful smirk and Javi rolled his eyes, wrapping his limbs around Sergei and swapping positions with well practice, never forgotten ease.

„You're the worst.” Javi announced, kissing Sergei's stomach and making him chuckle „Also, you're old, I just decided.”

„Terrible. Leave my pants alone for a second and come here.” Sergei said, his voice shaking with laughter, as he grabbed Javi's shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss that was telling the story of love and happiness and longing, and Javi's heart was so full it almost hurt.

 

 

It wasn't that easy as Javi had been hoping, to focus during practice on warming up backstage, his eyes getting will on their own and always trying to find one certain figure in the crowd. But he managed to take a deep breath and slowly get in the right space; it was amazing, to be able to be so close to Sergei, to talk to him, brush his hand in a seemingly friendly gesture. But it was a competition, and they were there to do their job, and they had to be professionals no matter what they were feeling.

Javi's short was respectable and his distance to the first place wasn't impossible to close. Sergei, on the other hand, had a pretty weak performance and Javi's own happiness was a little bit dimmed because of that.

„Don't worry.” Sergei said quickly as they were standing in a corridor, stealing those few minutes Javi had before he would have to go find Brian „I mean, it was bad, but it's still good to be here.” his smile was a bit forced and Javi's heart squeezed with compassion. He also had a small, nagging feeling that Sergei was hiding something from him, but he decided not to touch that topic, at least not during the competition.

„Javi!” Brian yelled from the distance and Javi almost jumped.

„I need to go.” he muttered to Sergei, giving him an apologetic smile „We're gonna kick some ass tomorrow, right?”

„Of course we are.” Sergei chuckled „Now run before your coach comes here and drags you away.”

„I was looking for you everywhere.” Brian said, giving him a small smile „And you were just casually hiding in here with-?”

„Sergei.” Javi said and Brian hummed.

„Are you guys friends?”

„We were training together last season.” Javi said and Brian nodded.

Brian was a great coach and a really nice man, but Javi wasn't going to inform him about his relationship status anytime soon. He knew he would get an incredible scolding for dating his competitor, and he wasn't looking to find out how bad it would be. So far only a few people knew and Javi hoped it would stay like that for some time.

 

 

The next morning Javi could feel a lot of eyes of himself.

First, Brian, of course, watching him intently and calling him over to the boards from time to time to give him some feedback. Then there was Sergei, whose eyes were coming to Javi rarely, but their expression was gentle. Surprisingly, he also caught Nikolai looking in his direction a few time, his eyes dark and Javi didn't want to know what he was thinking.

And when it came to the fourth one, Brian told him about it.

„Yuzuru Hanyu is watching you really, really intently.” he said with amusement and Javi turned around just in time to see a skinny Japanese guy looking away quickly.

„Uhh, okay?” Javi muttered, a bit confused, and Brian grinned.

„I think he likes your quads, so maybe go for a sal once more and then you can start cooling off.”

„Sure.”

 

* * *

 

Javi was only able to smile and nod and repeat how happy he was, his brain feeling mushy and he felt like laughing all the time.

0.03 to the first place. Pretty damn good.

He was fumbling with words, but he was feeling so happy and satisfied and excited and proud of himself. There was also a bit of surprize inside him, that he was able to do that now, compete aginst the best in the world and even get a medal.

Journalists really, really wanted to talk to him after the conference, still, so it took him some time to get to the locker room, and was very pleasently surprized when he saw Sergei sitting on a bench.

„Took you ages.” Sergei complained, but then grinned and stood up, making his way to Javi and hugging him „Congrats. You were great.” he whispered, kissing Javi's forehead and then resting his chin on the top of his head.

It was quiet and warm, and Javi wondered silently how much more like that they would share, stolen minutes in a deserted locker rooms and other corners. He had know what he was signing upp though, and he wasn't going to complain now.

„How are you? Really?” he asked quietly against Sergei's neck and Sergei sighed deeply, his hand running down Javi's back.

„I'm good. Just my body likes to remind me that I've been skating for twenty years already.”

„Wait, you started when you were four? Could you even walk then?” Javi teased, because it was easier, and he knew that Sergei would appreciate that.

„It's nothing serious, just some old pains. You don't have to worry about it.” Sergei said and Javi sighed.

„Okay.” he muttered, tipping his head to kiss him, but the moment was broken by a long wail coming from the showers, and Sergei laughed.

„It's Michal.” he said, answering Javi's silent question „He was fourth again.”

„I can't believe this shit, what the fuck.” Michal grumbled, exiting a shower and wearing only a towel „This is ridiculous. Oh, congrats Javi, you slayed us all tonight.” he said with an honest smile but then he grimaced again „But I'm going to get wasted. You guys wanna join?”

„Umm.” Javi hesitated, not wanting to be rude, but then Michal grinned.

„No pressure, lovebirds. Just don't stay here too long because ice dancing guys will be here soon.”

„Yeah, uh, thanks.” Javi stuttered while Sergei just grinned, squeezing his hand „So I guess we'll go?”

„Yeah.” Sergei chuckled, pressing a kiss to his temple and Michal pretended to gag „We'll go.”

 

* * *

 

 

It all passed too fast.

Evening, night, gala, dinner with Sergei's mom and then the last night in Javi's hotel room, and Javi discovered that he was still shit with goodbyes.

„I need to go.” Sergei whispered into his hair „I've training in an hour and I don't want to give Nikolai more reasons to be pissed at me.”

Javi understood that; he also had to start packing, he had his flight at noon and he was a mess. He knew all of that, and he knew how things worked, but instead of nodding and letting go he wrapped his hands around Sergei even tighter.

He didn't say anything, just closed his eyes and nuzzled closer to Sergei's chest, pretending that they had so much more time than in reality.

„Baby, look at me.” Sergei said softly, touching Javi's chin and Javi opened his eyes to meet his gentle gaze; Sergei didn't say anything else, just gently brought their face together, pressing their foreheads against each other, and Javi exhaled deeply.

„I know.” he muttered, his throat tight „I know.” he repeated, kissing Sergei chastely before climbing off of him and lying on his side of the bed. Sergei gave him a small, crooked smile, leaning in to kiss Javi's nose before getting up.

Javi watched Sergei walking around the room, collecting his clothes and putting then on, and his heart was heavy. He doubted it would get easier with time, because how could you watch someone you love go and not miss them already?

„Okay.” Sergei exhaled, running his hand through his hair and giving Javi a bit tight smile. He swallowed hard and stepped closer, taking Javi's face in his hands and looking him in the eyes.

„You take care of yourself, right?” he asked gently and Javi nodded slowly, his hands coming to cover Sergei's.

„You too.” he said quietly „You better get that podium at nationals so we can see each other in Sheffield.”

„I'll try my best, I promise.” Sergei whispered and leaned in to kiss Javi on the lips, softly and sweetly. He pulled back, his thumbs caressing Javi's cheeks for a moment before he started to walk backwards towards the door, smiling.

„I love you.” he mouthed, reaching behind himself to grab the handle, and Javi smiled back despite the tightness of his chest.

„I love you too.”

 

 

 


	16. we would slowly fall into the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bubble breaks.

 

Javi couldn't tell when it started exactly; but the first cracks appeared when he came to Spain in December. He won back his national title and had great Christmas time with his family, and yet something felt wrong.

Maybe it was the calm of those winter days, maybe the warm feeling of being surrounded by people he loved- but suddenly Javi couldn't help but think a lot about his relationship with Sergei.

Things were good, unchanged, but at the same time something was feeling off. They still talked a lot, joked with familiar ease and exchanged love confessions with as much honesty and emotion as always.

But somehow it was hurting more, now, especially in the contrast to the first few months, when they had been so determined to make that work they could push past the longing so swiftly. And to be honest, Javi hadn't expected that it would get harder with time. But it was, it was so much harder now.

Sergei was wonderful as always, funny and caring, and Javi felt guilty that sometimes he wondered how long they would be able to keep it like that. Javi wanted them to last forever, and he knew Sergei wanted it too, but sometimes it just was a tiny bit too painful, to go to sleep and wake up alone, to recall all the memories when it all had been a bit easier.

There were small things, like not being able to talk to Sergei whenever he wanted to, whenever he needed to, it was about not seeing his smile and feel his hands.

Javi didn't want them to break up, he didn't, he would never want that. But reality was harsh and cold, just like all the Canadian nights he had to spend alone, turning in his bed and trying to put his restless mind to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Javi was hoping the weird feeling would disappear the moment they saw each other at Europeans. And it was better, so much, but it wasn't as easy as during previous competitions. Javier was sharing his room with the other Javi, Sergei had a roommate too. Still, the moments they shared were sweet and comfortable as always, and they made Javi's stupid doubts feel like some distant dreams.

„I feel like I'm in high school again.” Sergei muttered, pecking Javi's lips one more time before withdrawing and looking at him with a smile, and Javi grinned.

„You're telling me you used to make out in bathrooms a lot?”

„Duh.” Sergei grinned and Javi's heart clenched as he wondered when it would stop being enough.

 

Javi couldn't tell what made him fall apart in the free. Maybe his hopes were too high, maybe the weight of expectations was suddenly too much, or maybe both and so much more.

„You fought for it.” Brian said, patting his shoulder reassuringly „I'm proud of you.”

„Thanks.” Javi said through his clenched teeth, his insides twisting with disappointment.

He dragged himself to the locker room and the atmosphere he found in there was fitting his mood pretty well, most of the guys looking around gloomily, and only Sergei smiled at him, his hair wet from the shower.

„Hi.” he said quietly, smiling, and Javi tried his best to smile back, but he was afraid he failed. Top ten finish was a respectable result for Sergei, after all the ups and downs, but Javi had been really hoping for a better result for himself, he had medaled on the grand prix final, he should be able to get on the podium on Europeans.

Well, he had been wrong.

Javi made his way to the locker, which was right next to Michal's, and he glanced at the Czech skater, who was sitting on a bench and looking into the void.

„Hey.” Javi patted his shoulder lightly „You okay?”

Michal looked at him and his eyes were blank.

„I'm great. Amazing. Just done with the universe.” he said flatly and Javi recalled the scoreboard and flinched. He was still utterly disappointed with his own result, but it had to be so frustrating for poor Michal, to be fourth at yet another major event.

 

* * *

 

Team Spain decided to go out to some bar, but Javi wasn't in a mood for a party, so he stayed in the hotel. At least it meant he had free room and Sergei could come over, and they could finally have some time for themselves. They settled for some cuddling and talking, both pretty tired and Javi being extremely gloomy.

„I just hoped for something better.” he muttered and Sergei smiled at him sympathetically.

„You still did good.” he said reassuringly and Javi sighed, detaching himself from Sergei's embrace and walking to the table to take a sip from his water bottle. He didn't feel good, to be honest; it was like he travelled back year or two, when his mind had been playing tricks on him, whispering that he would never be good enough, feeling of guilt forming somewhere deep in his chest.

„Brian says the same.” Javi said absently and Sergei moved to sit on the edge of the bed, looking at him with a slight smile.

„He's a good coach. And looks like a good man.”

„He's the coach I always needed.” Javi admitted „I really wanted to make him proud.”

„You already did.” Sergei said with a soft smile and Javi knew that he should feel grateful for those words, but instead his stomach clenched painfully.

„What about you?” he asked quickly, trying to swallow the weird feeling down „Nikolai is still pain?”

„As always.” Sergei said with a snort, but then his expression turned thoughtful „To be honest, I think I need to consider leaving. This season or next. We're not really on great terms lately.” he admitted with a grimace „Although I don't know who would take me in.” he added with a slight chuckle, and Javi was suddenly overwhelmed by an idea that could solve all of the problems.

„Why don't you move to Canada?” he asked and Sergei made a face.

„I can't.” he said and there was something in his expression that made Javi stop, and he felt a little bit uneasy in the pit of his stomach as something dawned on him.

He felt like everything clashed inside him, all the disappointment, doubts and old demons that crept on him and attacked when he was sure he had defeated them.

„You can't or you don't want to?” he asked slowly and Sergei looked up at him, blinking with surprize before sighing quietly.

„Sit down, Javi.” he said gently and when Javi did that, Sergei took his hands in his. „I know, that you want me to be around all the time. And I want it too, really, but-”

„But you don't.” Javi said, feeling weird, and Sergei shook his head, his expression gentle but serious.

„I would do so much for you.” he said „But I'm not going to leave Russia, as long as I'm competing.”

Sergei's tone was steady and patient, but his words were cutting deep, deeper than they probably should. They had never really talked about how long it would take, for them to be really, truly together, but now Sergei's words made him realize that it could be even more complicated than Javi had thought. And suddenly all of those weird feelings and emotions that had been coiling in Javi's chest for past weeks started bubbling up to the surface, and Javi couldn't do anything to stop them.

„Why can't you leave?” he asked quietly and Sergei winced, squeezing Javi's hands.

„They would never forgive me if I did. The federation... I'd be dead for them.” he said and Javi felt a bit of irritation coiling up inside him.

„Well, I've been through the exact same and I'm pretty fine.” he said and, judging by Sergei's darkening expression, he misspoken pretty bad, but he couldn't bring himself to analyze his own words.

„Javi, it's not a competition who has it worse-” Sergei started and Javi felt something hysterical forming in his throat as he stood up, his hands escaping Sergei's grip.

„Yeah, you're right, it's about something else.” Javi said „It's about you don't want to be-”

„You better don't finish this sentence, Javi.” Sergei said quietly, and Javi had never heard that tone before „How can you even think that-?”

„Well I don't know, maybe after what you said I got kind of confused!” Javi exclaimed and Sergei's jaw clenched.

„Okay, Javi, let me get this straight.” Sergei said, standing up „You don't get to talk to me like that. We both knew how it would look like, and we both chose to do that anyway.”

„You basically told me you wouldn't even consider moving to be closer to me, even though your coach treats you like shit, like everyone in your fucking federation.” Javi spat out, feeling frantic, and Sergei blinked rapidly as if Javi just hit him, and Javi knew that he overstepped.

„That was a low blow, Javi.” Sergei said quietly, and Javi knew that, and he opened his mouth to apologize, but he couldn't make any sound.

He didn't feel like himself, at all, like some force took control over his mind and body, but he couldn't do anything to fight it.

„The second I retire, I'll follow you anywhere.” Sergei said, his voice steady and quiet „But I spent my whole life in there, and I can't- I can't go anywhere else now. I've been skating in Russia for twenty years, I can't go now and start somewhere new from the scratch.” he said and his face crumbled „I love you, Javi, but skating is my life. I thought you knew, and I thought it was the same for you-” Sergei stopped and then inhaled deeply, and Javi's stomach churned.

A part of him knew that he was being dramatic and unreasonable, but something was burning bitterly inside of him, and he couldn't help himself. He knew that it wasn't fair, to demand from Sergei such a thing; he had spent his whole life with Russian coaches, training with their methods, and trying to change it at the age of twenty- four, almost twenty- five, could be a very stupid move.

But still, the words stang.

It was like Sergei's words triggered something inside him, and suddenly Javi was overwhelmed by the thought that they had been doomed from the very beginning.

So he gritted his teeth and stared back at Sergei, whose gaze was strong and hard, but then his expression dimmed and morphed into something utterly helpless.

„Okay.” Sergei said quietly, rubbing his face „Okay, Javi, just tell me why you're-” he gestured vaguely „- why are you like that, suddenly? We talked about it, and I thought we were on the same page. I told that I'd let you go, if you only wanted to, but you- we knew it would be hard, but we both agreed on that and-” he winced and Javi's heart was pounding rapidly now, as if it wanted to escape his chest.

„It was a long time ago.”

He didn't know why he said that, how the words left his mouth, but Sergei froze when he heared them, his face turning white.

„It was.” he admitted quietly after a moment and Javi felt sick. Sergei looked at him for a moment, his expression sad and thoughtful. And then he took a deep breath and stepped closer, only centemeters separating them.

„I told you once-” he said slowly „- that if you felt bad about us at any moment, you need to tell me. You tell me, so I can kiss you goodbye and let you walk away.” he whispered and Javi's chest hurt so bad he couldn't breathe.

„Is it that moment?” Sergei muttered, his hand gently cupping Javi's cheek, and Javi closed his eyes, leaning into the touch.

He had been so hopeful, at the beggining, and the first few months of separation hadn't been so bad. Because all that talk they had just now, it wasn't because Sergei decided to stay in Russia till the end of his career. It was because Javi didn't know if he could do it anymore, and he was scared of how they could make it work, but also he had no idea how he could survive if they weren't together.

Javi opened his eyes and met Sergei's intense gaze, and he didn't know what he wanted to say. They looked at each other for what felt like log minutes, and then Sergei nodded quietly, as if to his thoughts.

Javi thought that he was going to say something, but Sergei only stroked his cheek gently and then left, and Javi was standing there like frozen, trying to understand what had just happened.

He hadn't wanted that to happen.

His whole body was feeling weirdly heavy as he walked to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water, his fingers feeling weird and numb, his chest tight and lungs squeezed painfully.

He looked into the mirror and saw there a twenty year old kid who had no idea what to do to stop his life from falling apart.

 


	17. you need to know my soul to conquer my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi knows that he's an idiot and Cortney is the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speedy update!

 

He hit the ice with a harsh thud and just decided to lay there, staring at the lights above his head and letting cold seep through his clothes and bite his skin.

„Javi! Are you okay?” Brian asked with worry and Javi winced, sitting up slowly.

„I'm fine.” he said, scrambling on his feet and slowly skating over to his coach. He was trying to smile, but Brian looked at him searchingly.

„Is everything okay? Do you-”

„I'm okay, just got distracted.”

„No, Javi.” Brian sighed „Take your skates off and come to my office.”

Javi swallowed hard and did what his coach asked for, and five minutes later he was sitting in front of Brian in his tiny office.

„Is it scolding time?” Javi asked, trying to joke, but Brian shook his head, giving him a sympathetic smile.

„No, Javi, not at all. I just want to talk to you, because I'm worried about you.” he said and Javi blinked rapidly.

„Worried?”

„Yes. I understand that you're disappointed with your results at Europeans, but it's been almost three weeks, Javi, and you still can't seem to get your mind off of it. You're pushing yourself too hard, but at the same time you seem distracted.” Brian said „It's not good, Javi, and you can't keep training like that, because you might hurt yourself.”

Javi didn't know what to say to that. Brian was right, about the way he was training now, but also he didn't know all the reasons for Javi's behaviour.

„How can I help you, Javi?” Brian asked gently and Javi flinched.

„I'm sorry.” he muttered „I'll try to get myself together.” he promised and Brian sighed.

„Javi, you know you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm here for you, whatever it is.”

„I know, and I'm so grateful.” Javi said honestly „But this is something I have to deal with myself.”

 

 

Javi knew that he had fucked up. It was only his fault, everything that had happened, and he regretted everything, every word he had said and the way he said them. He knew that it was okay, to have doubts, to be afraid, and he knew that Sergei would understand, but he had overreacted so bad he couldn't help but flinch painfully at the memory. He had been a jerk, simple like that. They could have talked normally, if only he didn't freak out.

He didn't know where they were standing now, in their relationship. They stayed in touch, of course, but only through emails, and Javi couldn't help but feel awkward about it. He knew that Sergei was probably waiting for Javi to do the first move, and he was giving him space, like he always did. But Javi was still feeling too ashamed and too afraid to call him.

It hurt more than ever. Because it wasn't only longing now, it was also knowledge that he had acted like a jerk, and it was all his fault only. It was never about Sergei staying in Russia, about them not being able to actually live together in who knows how many years. It was about Javi being uncertain and scared, about him being not mature enough to talk about what was bothering him.

Javi couldn't help but think about what Sergei's mother had told him once, such a long time before.

„ _Don't break his heart.”_

He was afraid he had done that not only to Sergei, but also to himself.

 

* * *

 

He hadn't talked with anyone about it, and didn't really plan on it, until one Friday evening Cortney knocked to his door with a very unimpressed expression.

„You've been avoiding me since you came back from Europe and I got tired of that.” she answered his silent question, letting herself in and going straight to the sofa „So, why are you copped in here, being all miserable?”

„I'm not misera-”

„Cut the crap, Fernandez. I took care of your cat when you were away so I want the truth in return.” she said and then her expression softened „Come on, Javi, what's going on?”

Javi sighed deeply and sat down next to her.

„It's about Sergei.” he admitted quietly and her eyes widened.

„Oh no, don't tell me you guys broke up?”

„I- I don't know.”

„What the hell you mean you don't know?!”

So Javi told her everything, without leaving anything out, and she listened to him with focus, and sighed deeply when he finished talking.

„Oh Javi.” she said, shaking her head „You poor, poor man.”

„You don't have to tell me that I'm and idiot and that I fucked up. I know that, believe me.”

„Good.” Cortney said „Also, you didn't break up, and I can't believe I'm the one to tell you that.”

Javi flinched slightly but didn't say anything, and Cortney smiled at him softly.

„Do you want to be with him, Javi?” she aksed quietly and Javi's heart clenched painfully.

„I do.” he said, his voice hoarse „It was difficult, and I know it still is, that it would be, but- this is so much worse.”

„Then why don't you tell him that?”

„Because he deserves better!” Javi exclaimed desperately „He deserves better than dealing with an immature asshole like me. He was so patient, since the very beginning, and I keep screwing things up and-”

„Javi.” Cortney stopped him gently, putting hand on his shoulder „You know what your biggest problem is?”

„That I'm an idiot?”

„No.” she shook her head „That you don't believe that you deserve it.”

Javi gaped, and stared at Cortney, and she sighed.

„You know, when you talk about him, you always say _he's so patient, he's so good, I can't believe he wants to be with me._ And you- you're so restless, in here.” she said, touching his temple „You've been through so much already, and it's like you can't believe in happiness. And what happened at Europeans, it only made you... less stabile.”

„Wow.” Javi chuckled wetly, his eyes starting to burn with tears he tried so hard not to shed „You're really into psychology, huh?”

„Shut up.” Cortney said with a smile and then tilted her head „Am I wrong, tho?”

„I don't know.” Javi whispered, blinking rapidly, but the tears escaped his eyes anyway „I just wish I could be better.”

„We all mess up, Javi. But we also can fix everything, if we try real hard.” Cortney said with a small smile „You just need to talk to him, because that's your biggest, maybe only fault in all of that. That you don't talk to him.”

„But he-”

„No, Javi, don't try go and say something like _he would be better without me._ I know you wanted to say something like that.” she said and well, she wasn't wrong „You know that you made a mistake, now man up and fix it.”

Javi snorted at that through his tears and Cortney gave him an affectionate smile.

„Come here, you human disaster.” she said fondly, wrapping her arms around Javi and pulling him closer, letting him cry quietly on her shoulder.

 

 

Crying was pretty tiring, so Javi actually managed to get some sleep. He woke up early and spent solid half an hour in his bed watching snow falling outside.

And then he got up, got dressed and walked outside.

Toronto was busy all the time, even at 7.30am on Saturday, but the park nearby Javi's apartment building was pretty empty. He sat down on one of the benches and took a deep breath, cold air tingling his nose and lungs.

And then, he took out his phone and dialed Sergei's number.

He didn't have to wait long.

„Hi.” Sergei said quietly and Javi's heart almost stopped at the sound of his voice.

He missed him so much it hurt, it hurt more than anything, because they had promised each other they would never leave, and Javi was messing up so bad.

„I love you.” Javi blurted out, without thinking „And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.”

On the other side of the world, Sergei took a deep, shaky breath, but he didn't say anything.

„I got scared.” Javi said quietly, gripping his phone tighter „And I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you, I- I just hope that you can forgive me-”

„Stop it, Javi.” Sergei said and Javi exhaled shakily, his stomach churning, cold air biting his exposed face and bare hands.

„I can't do it right now.” Sergei said quietly „Not when you're so far away and I can't see you, and I can't touch you. And I think- I think you need time, still, to think. And I think I need it too.”

„Okay.” Javi whispered, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat „Will I see you in France?”

„Yes.”

„Okay. That's good.” Javi mumbled, closing his eyes „Sergei?”

„Yes?”

„Are we still together?” he blurted out, listening to the silence on the other side of the line, and then Sergei chuckled quietly.

„Well I didn't kiss you goodbye, right?” he asked and Javi sniffled quietly.

„I miss you.” he whispered.

„I miss you too.” Sergei said „And I love you. So much.”

Javi inhaled deeply, cold air making his chest ache even more.

„I'm-”

„Don't say it, Javi.” Sergei said gently „I know. I really know.”

„Okay.” Javi said through his clenched throat „Can I call you soon?”

„You better, you have three weeks to make up for.” Sergei said, and then he inhaled sharply „Javi, I can't- I don't know what I'll tell you when I see you.”

Javi's fingers were so cold he couldn't feel them.

„It's okay.” he said with effort „I understand.”

„I just wish you talked to me, Javi.” Sergei sighed and Javi's throat was incredibly dry.

„Me too.” he said quietly „I'm so sorry I screwed up.”

Sergei was silent for a moment and then Javi heard his deep breath.

„I need you to do something for me.” Sergei said „You have to think, what you need, and what you expect, from yourself and from- from us. And I'm going to do the same, and... we'll see how it goes, okay?”

„Okay.” Javi whispered; he knew he didn't deserve anything more than that, really „Thank you.”

„Don't thank me, Javi.” Sergei said gently „Just take care of yourself. And remember that I love you. No matter what happens, I always do.”

„I love you too.” Javi said and he could swear he could sense Sergei smile.

And then the call ended and Javi discovered that he was all covered in snow, but somehow he was feeling warm.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of wanted to make it more dramatic and stuff, but I figured that it wouldn't fit them, not in this story. The next one will take some time so I think I'll update after this weekend. School is coming back and I probably won't be able to write so much, you gotta be patient with me :D


	18. against all odds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking, crying and making decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was I listening to Phil Collins and stole the title from him? You bet!!!

 

Javi didn't feel too good in Nice, which was kind of unexpected. The city itself was nice, warm atmosphere and charm of southern Europe feeling familiar on his skin. There were so many important people around him now, his friends, his family. Cortney was there too, mostly stressing about her pre- eliminary round, but Javi knew that he could talk to her any moment.

For once fate was kind to him and he got assigned to a single room, Raya and Adria rooming next to him. It was convenient, Javi thought, dropping his bag to the floor and flopping face down on the bed; he would have the whole room only to himself if he would like to cry or have some other kind of an emotional breakdown.

He was still hoping for a good result, he really did, but he was feeling so tired with the season already, exhaustion seeping into his bones after every training, every minute spent on ice. And to be honest, Javi wanted the championships to be over already, so he could come back to Madrid with his family and just rest.

And also, there was Sergei.

They had been in touch for the past weeks, but Javi still didn't know what to expect. They had mutually agreed they would talk after competition, because still, they both came to France to do their job and they had to try and focus on that.

Javi tried not to think what Sergei would tell him; but Javi had had time to think, and he managed to finally make up his mind about what he wanted and needed. It had been hard, it still was hard, and it would be hard, but Javi was determined to make it, because it was worth it. It would take years, but he knew that they could make it, only if Sergei gave him another chance.

 

They saw each other in a locker room before first practice and Javi's heart almost jumped out of his chest. Sergei smiled at him and waved shortly, and Javi waved back, and it stang a little, knowing that he couldn't really walk over to him and talk and pretend in front of everyone that they were just friends. But then they wouldn't be able to keep their emotions in charge, and they couldn't allow themselves to do that. They had to make that one last effort of the season and try to show their best out there, on the unforgiving ice.

 

* * *

 

Javi tried, he tried so hard, but it wasn't enough. He had an awful feeling of deja vu when Brian patted his shoulder with a reassuring smile that managed to cover a feeling of disappointment, if there was any.

„I know that it's not what you wanted, but you need to remember that you had great start of the season, okay? We're going to work on that in the summer.”

„Yeah.” Javi nodded, giving him a tight smile and just feeling mentally and physically exhausted.

He wanted to talk to Sergei as soon as possible, but he disappeared somewhere and Javi's family dragged him to a dinner anyway, so he didn't even have a chanve to write him and make plans to meet and finally talk.

„We're so proud of you, Javi.” his mom smiled at him from the other side of the table „You skated really well, despite everything.” she added and then her smile grew even wider „Why didn't you bring Sergei? We'd love to see him too!” she exclaimed and Javi swallowed hard, trying to keep his face straight.

„He couldn't make it.” he said shortly, hoping it would be enough and her expression turned thoughtful.

„I hope he's okay, he actually didn't seem well after he finished his program.” she hummed and Javi almost drop his fork. He could feel Laura's searching gaze on him and he really had to channel all his energy into pretending that he was fine while everything inside him was twisting and screaming.

 

 

Javi basically jumped up from the bed he was sitting on when he hear a short few knocks to his door.

„Hi.” Sergei smiled and Javi's heart hurt because of both that smile and crutches Sergei was bracing himself with.

He wanted to kiss him so bad, but he just smiled back the best he could.

„Hi.” he answered, his heart pounding as he let Sergei in and watched him moving to sit on the edge of the bed, wincing slightly when he straightened up his leg. Javi watched him for a moment and then slowly sat next to Sergei.

So, that was it. It was going to happen now, whatever it was.

„Are you okay?” Javi asked and Sergei shrugged, wincing.

„I think I broke something in here.” he said, pointing at his foot „But I'll know for sure when I come back to Russia and see a doctor.”

„I'm sorry.” Javi said through his clenched throat and Sergei shook his head.

„I'm used to that. I'm very breakable.” he said with a small smile and Javi bit his lip.

It was so unfair, and Javi wanted to say more, how utterly sorry he was and thar Sergei didn't deserve any of that. But words were hard and his throat was dry, so he only swallowed hard, knowing that Sergei knew what he was thinking, because he was always so good at understanding Javi, maybe too good.

„I'm fine.” Sergei whispered and he touched Javi's cheek lightly, a gentle touch of his fingers making Javi shiver. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting himself just feel, starved for the touch. „How are you, Javi?” Sergei asked quietly, his hand dropping to his leg, and Javi felt a sharp sting of disappointment at the loss of contact.

„I'm okay.” he muttered „Tired.”

„We all need vacation, don't we?” Sergei asked with a smile and then his expression turned serious „So-” he started „- the moment of truth, right?”

„Right.” Javi nodded, his chest feeling incredibly tight „So-” he cleared his throat „- do I start?”

„You start.” Sergei said; he was smiling again, but there was something unsettling deep in his eyes, but Javi couldn't decipher those emotions.

„I'm sorry.” Javi said quietly „I'm so sorry.”

„I know. But I need you to know that I forgive you, okay? And that I- I understand.”

„But I was a jerk.” Javi said, shaking his head „I should have just talked to you, and instead I just... freaked out. And it wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry.”

Sergei was silent for a moment before he carefully took Javi's hand in his.

„You're having a big communication problem, Javi.” he said slowly and Javi flinched „And I don't blame you for that, I really understand it, but-” he stopped, rubbing his face with his free hand, and Javi felt a small piece of ice forming inside his chest.

„But-” he repeated weakly and Sergei sighed again, quiet, and squeezed Javi's hand.

„I don't think we should do it anymore.” he said quietly and Javi had that weird feeling that the whole world was cracking around him and that he was standing on the edge, just a step away from falling into darkness.

„Wh-” he didn't even manage to get out and Sergei looked at him with an overwhelming sadness.

He hadn't really dared to think that it would be over, between them, and Sergei's words felt like repetitive stabs to the heart.

„I love you.” Sergei said and Javi took in a deep, shaky breath „And I know that you love me too. But I-” he stumbled on his own words „- I'm just not sure it's enough anymore.”

„No, no, no.” Javi breathed out frantically, his fingers almost crashing Sergei's fingers „No, you can't-” he choked out and Sergei shook his head, one hand coming to cup Javi's cheek.

„I know.” he said, and his voice faltered „I don't want this either, but that- that's gonna be better.”

„For who?” Javi stuttered and Sergei closed his eyes for a second.

„This is what I was afraid of.” Sergei said quietly „That it would be too hard. I told you once, Javi, that you deserve to have someone close to you, someone who could... be there for you whenever you need them. And I- I had hope, that it could be me, but-”

„But I want only you.” Javi whimpered, blinking rapidly and desperately trying not to cry „I love you-”

„I know.” Sergei muttered, his thumb touching Javi's mouth briefly „I know, but- you were right, in some things. We don't know when we would be able to really be together, and I- I should've thought about that earlier. I should've been more rational.” he said and Javi felt like his heart was in pieces „It's going to be better like that.”

„No.” Javi said, shaking his head rapidly „Please, don't-”

„I don't want to hurt you, Javi.” Sergei said, quietly, moving a bit closer „And I know that you don't want to hurt me. But I'm scared that it will keep on happening, and I think that-” he swallowed visibly and his eyes were unbearably sad „I think it'll be better, that way.”

„How can it be better.” Javi almost sobbed, one of his hands grasping Sergei's shirt „How am I supposed to-” he couldn't finish his sentence, not being able say a word; it all was crushing down and he didn't know what to do to stop it.

He knew that Sergei's words made sense, somehow, and he couldn't blame him for that, but Javi had never felt more empty in his entire life.

Sergei leaned forward, taking Javi's face in his hands and stroking his cheeks gently.

„I love you.” Sergei said in a quiet whisper „And I'm going to love you, and I'm going to stay in your life. Just-” he inhaled shakily and Javi wanted to look him in the eyes, but then Sergei brought their foreheads together, his breath fanning over Javi's lips „- we just couldn't be forever.”

A part of Javi wanted to argue, that Sergei was wrong, that they could, and would.

But he also knew that Sergei had his reasons, and that- that he could be right. And that he had all the right to tell Javi that he didn't want to do that anymore.

It was the last thing he wanted to say, but Sergei always respected his every decision, and all Javi could do was to do the same now.

„Okay.” he managed to say, his heart breaking „Okay.”

„Okay.” Sergei whispered and then Javi felt the familiar warmth of his lips, and he never wanted it to end.

But it did end, way too quickly, and before Javi could really understand what was happening, Sergei grabbed his crutches and slowly walked out of the room, and Javi could just watch him go, and it all felt wrong and surreal, dark and quiet.

So, that was what heartbreak felt like.

 

 

He didn't know how long he spent on his bed, staring into space and feeling numb. It was like his mind couldn't proceed what had happened.

So.

He was single now?

A quiet whine escaped his lips as he pressed his face against the pillow. How had that happened? What was he supposed to do now, go back to Spain or Canada and act like everything was okay, like they weren't in love and like it would stop hurting one day. Javi was pretty sure it wouldn't, though.

He took a deep breath, memories flashing through his head like some kind of a movie. Javi could barely remember the first time they had really met, but there was so many other memories, trying to talk to each other when they weren't even training together, and then first weeks of friendship in Hackensack, a quiet stability of their bond growing stronger and stronger. Their first kiss, and the second one, and the warm ease between them. Falling in love and figuring everything out, missing each other and still making it work.

And then, Javi had screwed up and everything ended, just like that.

Javi opened his eyes and sat up rapidly, his heart pounding.

Sergei had fought for him so many times already. It was time for Javi to try and do the same for him.

He didn't even put his shoes on, just basically ran to an elevator wearing only his socks, and three minutes later he was knocking to Sergei's room.

Sergei opened the door a minute later and Javi vaguely noticed he didn't have his crutches so he probably just jumped over to the door.

„Javi?” he asked with confusion and Javi took a deep breath, but then decided to hold back for a second.

„I just have one more thing to say to you.” he said bluntly and then wrapped his arm around Sergei's shoulders and led him to the bed, helping him sit down. Sergei seemed to be confused beyond belief and Javi took a deep breath before promptly getting down on his knees, and Sergei's expression turned even more weirded out.

„Javi, what-”

„I'm going to break your heart.” Javi blurted out „And you're going to break mine. And we're going to struggle, but we'll make it.”

„What?” Sergei squeaked out and Javi took a deep breath.

„I know that I messed up.” he said quietly „And I can't guarantee that I won't do it again. But I... I still think that we're better together and I can't- I don't want to do it all without you.” Javi confessed and Sergei blinked rapidly.

„I understand why- why you said all of that.” Javi said „And I know that I put you through so much, already. But please, give me a chance. Because I don't want anyone else, and I won't love anyone else as much as I love you.”

Sergei seemed stunned and Javi felt a sting of fear, and he swallowed hard, moving closer.

„Please.” he said quietly, placing his hand on the back of Sergei's neck „Just- please.”

Sergei was staring at him with wide eyes and Javi's heart was pounding loudly in his chest, and he had only been so stressed once, when he was about the step on the olympic ice for the very first time. But that moment seemed as important as the Vancouver one, or maybe even more importany in its own special way.

It felt like eternity, and every fibre in his body trembling with anticipation. And then, Sergei exhaled deeply, his expression turning incredibly gentle.

„How could I say no to that speech?” he asked quietly, with a wet chuckle his hand moving to touch Javi's cheek „I'm-” his voice faltered and Javi couldn't breathe.

„Thrilled? Surprized?” Javi asked, his heart fluttering and he could swear he could feel his soul warming up. Sergei chuckled quietly, a little bit shaky, and leaned forward, bringing their foreheads together.

„Did you really think I'd let you go like that?” Javi muttered and Sergei took a deep breath.

„I really thought it would be better.” he said, his voice cracking a little, and Javi's fingers in his hair curled.

„I know.” he whispered „It would be easier, maybe. But not better. It can't be better, without you.”

„Wow.” Sergei exhaled, his hands coming to cup Javi's face, and Javi realized that they both were smiling „That was a good line.”

„I've some good inspiration.” Javi said and then finally he closed the distance between their lips and the wave of love and relief almost knocked all the air out from his lungs. It felt like they hadn't really kissed in ages and Javi could feel every nerve ending in his body as if they were on fire. It was careful and slow, deep and intimate, and Javi felt like he could cry from all those overwhelming feelings crashing inside his body.

In the end, maybe, they could be forever.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter they're gonna celebrate, if you know what I mean :p


	19. fade into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boys are together again and enjoying it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like... 90% weird smut and the rest is cheesy talks and feels.

 

They kept on kissing until the weird position started to bother them a little bit, especially Javi, whose knees started to feel kinda numb.

„My roommate might come back soon.” Sergei muttered, stroking Javi's cheek, and Javi nodded, standing up slowly and wincing at the cracking of his joints.

„Then I'm stealing you to my room.” he announced and Sergei grinned „Who's your roommate?”

„Max Trankov. I need to message him, he will be very happy with a free room.” he said with a smug smile and reached for his phone, typing some short message „Okay, I'm good to go.” he announced, reaching for his crutches, but then stopped halfway and looked at Javi, sparks of mischief in his eyes „What are we going to do in your room, though?” he asked and Javi rolled his eyes.

„Guess.” he said teasingly and Sergei pouted, finally grabbing his crutches and standing up.

„You want to broke my other foot?” he asked jokingly and Javi winced, a bit bugged by his light approach to the injury, even though it was Sergei's common reaction.

„I just want to have you close.” Javi said quietly and Sergei's smile softened.

„Okay.” he said gently „I can do that.”

 

Of course, they both knew where it all was going.

Sergei chuckled softly as Javi tugged on the hem of his shirt hesitantly, suddenly feeling a little bit shy.

„What's that, hmm?” Sergei asked and Javi smiled sheepishly, and he was feeling warm and full, and still quite disbelieving.

„Nothing, I'm just-” Javi trailed off and then shrugged, tilting his head „I'm feeling like it's some kind of a dream, still.” he admitted quietly, his cheeks heating up, and Sergei looked at him with so much fondness Javu's heart almost melted.

„We really went for dramatic words, didn't we?” he asked quietly, cupping Javi's cheek and kissing him, gently and slowly. Javi sighed contently against his lips, leaning into the touch.

They were sitting on Javi's bed, Sergei propped against the headboard and Javi sitting in his lap, careful not to startle Sergei's injured foot.

„Does it hurt?” he asked quietly when the pulled back to get some air and he immediately winced at his own question, because it was pretty stupid.

„Not now.” Sergei said, pecking Javi on the lips, and Javi knew it was a lie, but he didn't comment on that. It was that kind of a lie they always said to each other and they would keep on doing that, probably.

„That's good.” was all he said, in a hushed whisper, and then promptly got rid of Sergei's shirt.

It took them some time to take off another pieces of their clothing, especially struggling with Sergei's pants, Javi swearing quietly in Spanish and Sergei basically giggling, not being helpful at all.

„I'm already exhausted.” Javi whined dramatically, climbing back into Sergei's lap and wrapping his arms around him.

„That's too bad.” Sergei grinned and Javi snorted, pressing a kiss to his cheek and then just leaned against his chest, wrapping his arms around Sergei's shoulders and hiding his face against his shoulder. Sergei hugged him back, his hands feeling hot on Javi's back, and Javi sighed deeply, closing his eyes and just letting himself back in the warmth and intimacy of skin against skin, of their hearbeats beating steadily against each other.

„I love you.” Javi muttered, pressing a kiss to Sergei's neck; he had said those words so many times before during that day, but it still didn't feel like enough, because Sergei deserved to hear it every hour, every minute, and he had to feel it in every second, no matter if Javi was with him or not.

Sergei chuckled quietly, putting his hand on the back of Javi's neck and gently forcing him to pull back so they can look each other in the eyes.

„I love you too.” he whispered and then kissed him, long and deep and loving, and it felt like there was some electric force between them now, tingling on their skin and making Javi chuckle.

It was feeling both familiar and new, skin on skin, touch of their lips and gentle press of Sergei's fingers that was making Javi keen quietly against his mouth. It took them long minutes, as if they both wanted to drag the moment, make it last as long as possible. After those long months of separation, all the tears and bitterness, they felt like they could finally heal all the cracks that had appeared in their hearts.

„Here we go.” Sergei muttered, pecking Javi on the nose and smiling at him gently "Everything okay?"

„It's always okay, with you.” Javi said, and he knew that he was being incredibly corny and still maybe a bit dramatic, but he felt like he needed it, like they both needed it.

Sergei smiled, wide and soft, and took Javi's face in his hands, kissing him deeply, his fingers teasing hot skin on Javi's lower back.

„Good.” Sergei whispered against his lips and Javi felt a pleasant shiver running down his spine at the low tone of his voice.

It felt like too much, when he was going down slowly, their bodies joining in a way that was oh so familar, but thrilling as always. But somehow that time it felt like more, more than usual, and Javi whimpered quietly, hiding his face in the crook of Sergei's neck and closing his eyes, trying to focus on the feelling of overwhelming fullness.

„Oh.” he breathed out helplessly and Sergei caressed his back soothingly, sitting steady and unmoved, letting Javi take his time. Javi could sense that he was holding back, though, his muscles trembling slightly against Javi's body, and his heart was filled with love and trust.

„It's okay.” Sergei whispered against his cheek „We've all the time in the world.”

Javi took a deep breath and shifted carefully to look at Sergei's face, calm and focused and full of feelings. Javi reached out slowly and touched his face, tracing his features with a gentle brush of his fingertips and Sergei grinned at him, making faces, and Javi chuckled quietly.

„Thank you.” he whispered, placing his hands on Sergei's shoulders and and raising on his knees before slowly going down again, the feeling knocking breath out of his lungs.

Javi was really the one in control now; Sergei didn't have that much room or possibility to move a lot- his injury to blame- but his grip on Javi's hips was strong and sure, but not urging.

„For what?” Sergei whispered back and there was a lump in Javi's throat suddenly, and he had to swallow hard to be able to find his voice again.

„For giving me a chance.” he muttered, leaning forward to kiss Sergei briefly „For loving me, and for believing in me. For everything.”

A part of him still felt like he didn't deserve it, sometimes. But he knew he couldn't say it out loud, because it would put sadness in Sergei's eyes, and it was the last thing Javi wanted. So he just kept on moving slowly, watching how Sergei's expression turned so soft it was almost painful to look at him.

„Then I need to thank you too.” Sergei said quietly, caressing Javi's brow and then sliding his hand all the way down, tracing his cheek and neck and then sliding in between their bodies, his warm touch making Javi's breathing hitch.

„For what?” Javi asked breathlessly, trying to bit back a moan as the fire started forming inside of him, lightning up every cell in his body.

„For being you. And for loving me back.” Sergei muttered and Javi gasped at the sudden shudder of pleasure tearing through his body.

Javi wanted to pick the pace, make it quicker, but Sergei squeezed his hips, firm but gentle, and shook his head slightly.

„We do it slow, okay?” he asked quietly and Javi couldn't say no to him, so he nodded, forcing his starved body to slow down.

It was almost painful, in how unhurried and steady it was, but after few minutes it also started to be so intimate and overwhelming Javi couldn't stop himself from making small, choked out sounds. He could feel even the tiniest move, he was so aware of every inch of their bodies that was touching, and it was so much, and maybe too much, and Javi closed his eyes, not able to hear more than blood pumping in his temples and their ragged breathing.

It surprized him, when he came, relied coming to him without warning, and he felt like its force blinded him, stealing his senses and air from his lungs; he fell against Sergei's chest, his body trembling, his breathing shallow and rapid, and he was vaguely aware that his face was suddenly wet with tears.

Sergei was holding him close, his lips pressed to Javi's temple, and after a moment Javi was able to take a deep breath and sat upright; he whined quietly when he shifted and Sergei's face morphed into concern, his hands coming to wipe his cheeks.

„Are you okay?" he asked and Javi nodded, still wincing, and his cheeks felt hot.

"I think I- uh, need to-” he stammered, avoiding Sergei's gaze; he was feeling kind of embrassed, but his body felt unusually fragile and sensitive, and he had no idea why.

But then he felt a warm hand brushing his cheek and a second later Sergei grabbed his hips gently and helped him pull back slowly. Javi sighed deeply and leaned to press their foreheads together.

„Sorry.” he muttered sheepishly and Sergei shook his head slightly, putting his hand on the back of Javi's neck.

„Shut up.” he said fondly and Javi's heart clenched at the almost painful familiarity and ease they were at.

„You shut up.” Javi answered and Sergei's laugh cut off the moment Javi's hand travelled down his chest to take him in his hand, stroking gently.

There was something gratifying in giving pleasure like that, watching Sergei's face and how it changed, all the feelings and emotions open and vulnerable. Javi leaned forward and kissed his neck, speeding up the pace, and moments later Sergei's breathing hitched and his head fell back against the headboard, his chest moving rapidly.

They didn't say anything for a few minutes, just touching lightly and letting their bodies rest a little bit, to process all the pleasure from just moments ago.

„I think we need a shower.” Sergei said finally, and Javi snorted.

„We definitely do.” he agreed, moving a little and wincing at all the stickiness.

It was a logistic challenge, a bit, but they managed to get into the shower and not tumble over.

„That's okay, I can stand on it for a bit.” Sergei reassured him and Javi sighed, turning the water on.

„I hope it will heal soon.” he said and Sergei smiled gently.”

„Don't worry, we Russians are tough.” he said with a ridiculous grin and Javi rolled his eyes.

„Yeah, and you keep bears as pets.”

There was a lot of laughing and teasing touches, and Javi couldn't quite get enough; but in the end, they were both tired, exhaustion of the last days and the whole season catching up to them.

Finding a good position to sleep was also a logistic case, but they somwhow managed, Sergei lying on his back and Javi basically glued to his side as close as he could.

„I can feel you staring at me.” Sergei mumbled, his voice sleepy and his eyes closed.

„I'm not.” Javi lied „Would you go for a lunch with my parents tomorrow? And with Laura, of course.”

„I'd love to.” Sergei muttered and then sighed deeply, and a moment later his breathing turned steady and slow.

Javi was feeling tired, but he didn't fall asleep right away. Instead he chose to keep staring at Sergei, now that he had the opportunity. It felt both normal and just a tiny bit surreal, after all what had happened in the past months and after that rollercoaster of the day.

He noticed that Sergei looked really, really tired, even with his face relaxed by sleep. He looked older, around the eyes, as if last weeks had been way too harsh on him, and yet again Javi felt a tiny sting of guilt.

It had been so close, and they had almost lost each other.

Javi knew he could never allow it to happen again, because he wasn't sure if they could make it the second time.

 

 

He was startled awake by loud knocking to the door and he groaned, rubbing his eyes. Next to him Sergei whined sleepily and put a pillow against his face, clearly determined to muffle all the sounds and light.

For a second Javi was considering ignoring that crimnal on the other side of the door, but the knocking didn't stop, so he sighed deeply and sat up.

„Yes?” he exclaimed, grabbing one of the sheets and wrapping it around his waist, not really in a mood for some extra decency. It was 8am, damn it, it was basically night.

„Wakey wakey!” he heard Cortney's voice „You're not answering my texts since yesterday so I figured you're either dead or hiding in your room and brooding.”

Javi chuckled, opening the door a bit and seeing Cortney's half cheerful and half concerned expression that morphed into surprize.

„You don't look like you're brooding.” she said with suspicion and Javi grinned.

„I'm not. And I definitely wasn't.” he said in a conspiratory whisper and Cortney gasped.

„Oh my god you guys made up?”

„Yep.”

„Congrats, you disaster.” she said, patting his shoulder and grinning „Now go and wake up your boyfriend, I want to take you guys for breakfast and finally meet that angel boyfriend of yours.”

„Jeez, you're merciless.” Javi said „You're so gonna like him better than me tho.”

„I already do. Now, chop chop.”

Javi rolled his eyes and closed the door, walking to the bed and moving aside the pillow lying on Sergei's face.

„Wake uuup!” Javi sang, kissing his cheek „We're having a breakfast invitation from Cortney.”

Sergei blinked at him sleepily before letting out a deep sigh.

„I'm too old to keep up with you kids.” he said, sitting up and smiling, and Javi's heart fluttered at seeing him so sleepy and a bit whiny, with hair sticking in all directions.

„Sure.” Javi chuckled but then narrowed his eyes „How's your leg? We don't have to go if-”

„It's the same as yesterday.” Sergei smiled gently, suddenly seeming more awake; he leaned forward and kissed Javi's nose, and then his smile turned into a playful grin „Let's go, I'm really hungry.”

 

 

 


	20. and then I remember you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just boys being cute before they need to part ways again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more like a filler chap, but it's cute? So I hope you enjoy!

 

„You're staring.”

„I'm not.” Javi lied smoothly „And you don't know that, I'm wearing sunglasses.”

„I can feel it, it's boring holes in my skin.” Sergei said and Javi tried to make his most unimpressed face.

„It's sun. Use your sunscreen.” he said and Sergei grimaced.

„Why did I agree to come to this deadly country with you?” he asked, reaching for his cap and putting it on.

„Because you secretly love it, even tho the sun hates you. Also, you love me, a bit less secretly.” Javi said and Sergei rolled his eyes, grinning fondly.

„Okay, you got me there.” he said, reaching to a bag and fishing a book out of it „Now I'm going to work on my brain while you can keep lying on the sand and lookig pretty.”

„Oh my god, was that a compliment?” Javi asked, clutching his heart theatrically and Sergei snorted.

„You know, maybe you didn't notice all those girls giving you the eyes, but I did.” he said „You're lucky I'm not a jealous type.”

„Ah, how I wish you were a jealous type, sometimes.” Javi pouted and Sergei looked at him from over his glasses.

„Don't tempt me, boy.” he said in a tone that made Javi laugh.

They managed to find some free time in their busy schedules and they were very on that suprisingly not so crowded beach somewhere in Greece. It was the first time during the two years of their relationship when they had a chance to do something like that, to go somewhere far away from their usual lives and just enjoy themselves and the fact that they could do whatever they wanted.

Javi's summer was kind of packed, with camps and shows in Japan, but it was so important to him, that they could do that, and he knew that it was important for Sergei too, despite all the difficulties. He had really fractured his foot in Nice, and it was bad enough to keep him away from the ice for over a month. He was smiling, but Javi could see how sometimes he winced or stretched his foot a little bit, and Javi's heart always clenched painfully at that.

„You're having your thinking face on.” Serge noticed lightly; he was still staring at the pages in front of him, but he had some kind of a sixth sense when it came to sensing Javi's mood „You want to talk about it?”

That was what they were doing now. Talking about everything, or still almost everything, and Javi was getting used to that, to communication being the key, and he could clearly see how much he had been lacking in that department before. He was pretty sure they lasted so long already only because Sergei's ridiculous patience.

„Later.” he mumbled and Sergei smiled.

„I'll remember that.” he said and then extended his hand silently, and Javi took it into his, their fingers tangling loosely on the warm sand.

 

It was new.

Just the two of them, in the country no one knew them in, with people speaking language both Javi and Sergei couldn't understand. There was a sense of freedom they both could feel during these days, when they didn't have to think about skating, about what they had or should do. There was no coaches, no choreographers, and even no friends or family. And they needed that, to be just them and only for each other, even for just that short, so quickly passing week.

Javi valued those moments even more than before; after all what had happened, and what had almost happened, he knew that they needed to just be together, to have the opportunity to talk, to hold hands, to sleep next to each other- something the other couples had on daily basis but they had to treasure it.

But the week passed way too fast, and suddenly Javi was sitting on the edge of the bed, his feet resting on his bag lying on the floor, and he was watching Sergei packing his own stuff.

„Can't we just dump skating and stay here forever?” Javi asked, a bit whiny, and Sergei chcukled quietly, clearly struggling with the logistic task that was fitting all the clothes into one simple bag.

„Oh yeah? And what would we do in here?” he asked, smiling a bit teasingly, and Javi put on his thinking face.

„Live in some fisherman's hut till the rest of days?” Javi suggested and Sergei pretended to be considering that.

„You mean I should live in this terrible, sun- filled country?”

„For me?” Javi asked with a pout, and Sergei sighed dramatically.

„Fine. It's not like I wasn't planning on that already.” he said and Javi narrowed his eyes with confusion.

„Planning on what?”

„Moving to a sun- filled country.” Sergei said as if it was something obvious, and Javi blinked rapidly.

„I'm not following.” he admitted dumbly and Sergei sighed; he zapped his bag with some small difficulties and then made his way to Javi, standing in front of him and taking his face in his hands.

„You didn't really think we would live in Russia, did you?” Sergei asked softly and Javi swallowed hard.

„I never really thought about that.” he muttered; he had thought how it would look like, in a few years, but he never really considered when or where it would happen.

„Well, I did.” Sergei said „And I don't think Russia would be a good choice. So, I guess, it would be Spain, right? Or whatever weird, too hot country you choose.”

Javi's chest and throat were incredibly tight suddenly, and he didn't know what to say, too full with feelings and words that he wasn't really able to say. So he just wrapped his arms around Sergei's middle, pressing his face against his stomach.

„I love you.” he muttered and Sergei chuckled quietly, his hand coming to card through Javi's hair.

„Of course you do, I'm very loveable.” he said and Javi's heart fluttered.

Javi stoop up slowly and put his arms around Sergei's neck, closing the distance between their lips almost completely.

„You've no idea how much.” he whispered before leaning in and kissing Sergei, warm and loving and familiar.

 

Javi decided he wasn't going to sleep. Sergei, on the other hand, seemed to have slightly different plans.

They were lying on their sides, facing each other, their features barely visible in the dim light coming through the windows. It was some minutes after 1am and Sergei's eyes were closing, even through he was trying to keep them open, but failing miserably.

„You can sleep.” Javi said and Sergei hummed disapporovingly.

„So you can stare like a creep without me pointing it out?”

„Exactly.” Javi agreed, leaning to kiss Sergei's nose „So you know, hurry up.”

„Mhh.” Sergei muttered, his hand moving on the bed between them, and Javi took it, squeezing his fingers gently.

Sergei fell asleep short minutes after that, his face and breathing relaxing, and Javi's heart melted a little bit. Vacations did good to both of them, but it seemed that it was especially beneficial for Sergei, who finally didn't look exhausted all of the time.

Javi couldn't stop thinking about what Sergei had said earlier, that he would move to Spain after retiring, to be with Javi. It didn't surprise him, that Sergei decided he would do that, but Javi knew how big gesture it was. Sergei loved Russia, and he loved living there, and the declaration was meaning so much to Javi, more than he could be ever able to express.

„Two years, huh?” Javi whispered, his thumb caressing Sergei's palm „And you still didn't get tired of me.”

It felt like so much longer, after all they had been through, all the good and bad, ups and downs. And now they were here, in a hotel room somewhere in Greece, last night before they would have to say goodbye to each other for long months again.

„You're the best thing that happened to me.” Javi said, and he knew that he was being cheesy, but he couldn't stop himself, because it was the last chance before yet another separation when he could just say it to Sergei's face, even if he was asleep.

Javi hoped that one day he would be able to tell him how much he really loved him, because it still didn't feel like enough, and Javi felt like Sergei still deserved more, and better, and that he was the one who was making more gestures and sacrifice.

But now, the only words Javi could find was still simple _I love you._

 

* * *

 

The first thing that happened when Javi walked into TCC one day was being called to Brian's office.

„Everything okay? I didn't have time to do anything stupid yet.”

„Well I hope.” Brian said with a smile „I know that we already talked about your plans for the season, but there's one more thing I need to ask you.”

„Yes?”

„So, sometime ago I was asked to go to Japan to talk with a potential student.” Brian said and for the first time since they had met, he looked a bit unsure, and Javi tilted his head with confusion.

„Yes?” he repeated and Brian sighed, rubbing his face.

„It's Yuzuru Hanyu.” he said finally „He wants to train here, and I need to know if you're okay with that.”

„You-” Javi gaped, feeling kind of shocked „- you're asking me?”

„Of course, Javi. You're my priority now, and I want you to feel comfortable.”

For a moment Javi was just able to stare at his coach, surprized. The last thing he would expect was being asked if he was okay with other people training alongside him.

He bit his lower lip, considering. Hanyu was a good skater, world medalist now. They had competed against each other a few times and some of his performances were quite impressive. He also seemed nice, if a little bit withdrawn, and Javi didn't have anything against him.

„I don't mind.” he said finally „It's cool.”

„It's cool?” Brian repeated, looking a bit desbelieving, and Javi shrugged his shoulders.

„Yeah. I think it might be good. Interesting.” he said, grinning, and Brian smiled back.

„It's good to hear. Thank you, Javi.” he said and then chuckled „You're going to have a new colleague in a few weeks, then.”

„Can't wait.”

 

 

„Soo, how is he?” Sergei asked and Javi sighed, throwing himself on the bed and looking at the ceiling.

„Mysterious?” he tried, wincing, and Sergei laughed.

„You totally wanted to say weird, didn't you?”

„Maybe.” Javi said „I don't mean it in a bad way, but he's so... I don't know, I can't get him.”

„So, what is he doing that makes him _maybe weird_?”

„First, it took me a week to convince him to use my first name. Also, I saw him hiding behind a pillar and watching me practice. It was scary.”

„Scary? He seems pretty harmless.”

„Oh no, don't let that face fool you!” Javi exclaimed dramatically „He's having the most intense stare I've seen in my entire life, if eyes could kill the ice would be melted already and Brian would be in a hospital.”

„Oh boy.” Sergei chuckled „But I hope you're getting along?”

„I mean, I'm trying to talk to him, but he only smiles and nods and bows, so I need to rely on google translate most of the time. Also, he's so focused I don't even want to suggest hanging out, he would stab me with a blade, probably.”

„Not possible, how could anyone say no to your face?” Sergei asked and Javi snorted, rolling his eyes.

„I can name like, at least ten people immune to my charm.”

„They're all blind.” Sergei laughed „How are your programs? Coming together?”

„Yeah, David did such a great job with them. I can't wait for you to see it!”

„Me too.” Sergei said softly „NHK, right?”

„NHK.” Javi repeated quietly „How am I supposed to survive that long?”

„You're a tough guy, Javi, you can do it.” Sergei said gently „We both can.”

„I know. And we will.” Javi sighed quietly „I love you.”

„I love you too.”

„I love you more.”

„Well I loved you first.”

„Okay, I guess you win.” Javi said, grinning into the phone, and Sergei chuckled.

„I already won.”

„Oh my god, I can't, where did you get that line from?” Javi whined, blush creeping on his cheeks.

„I was thinking about it for so long!” Sergei exclaimed with laughter and then Javi heard him yawn.

„Go to sleep, it's so late over there.” he said and Sergei hummed quietly.

„So you're the responsible one now, huh?”

„I'm super responsible, always.” Javi stated and Sergei chuckled, the sound muffled.

„Of course you are.” he mumbled and Javi's heart fluttered.

„Goodnight.” he said softly.

Javi smiled and he knew that in that exact moment someone on the other side of the world was smiling back.

 

 


	21. I'm gonna place my bet on us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi and Cortney are the best brotp and someone gets wrong impressions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda not exciting but cute!

There was only a few things that felt as good as perfectly landed quad sal.

„Good job, Javi!” Brian clapped, smiling with approval „Really great work today, you can start some cooling down now.” he said and Javi flashed him a grin. Training were good, and Javi felt like he was doing some pretty solid work, and so far he was feeling positive about the upcoming season.

His train of thought was interrupted by a loud noise of a body hitting the ice with full force.

„Yuzuru!!!” Brian yelled, sounding exasperated „What did I say about trying quads?”

The Japanese boy just stared at the coach, sitting on the ice with rather clueless expression. Javi shook his head and skated over, extending his hands.

„Come on, kid, get up.” he said and Yuzuru blinked at him slowly before carefully taking Javi's hands and standing up.

„Quad sal bad.” he said, pointing at himself „Quad sal good.” he stated, pointing his finger at Javi, and Javi chuckled.

„You will get it, don't worry.” he said, smiling „Just, maybe, you know- listen to Brian?” he suggested bluntly and Yuzuru tilted his head.

„I listen, he no listen.” he insisted and Javi had to bite his lip not to laugh.

„Sure.” he said, slowly skating away backwards and grinning at still confused Yuzuru; he would maybe stay and talk with the boy a bit more, now that he opened his mouth to say more than two words, but Javi had plans for the afternoon and the clock on the wall was ticking.

 

„Finally!” Cortney exclaimed, raising from one of the benches placed close to TCC entrance and stretching „Took you ages.”

„Sorry.” Javi said, scratching back of his neck sheepishly „We can go now.” he said and Cortney grinned.

 

„Once again, why am I doing it?” Javi asked half an hour later and Cortney sticked her head out of the dressing room, making an unimpressed face at him.

„First, you love me. Very platonically, of course.” she said and he rolled his eyes „And second, you're a man, and I need your opinion since I want to woo a guy.”

„I'm sure your charming personality is enough.” he said and she snorted, disappearing behind the curtain.

„Well, a nice dress can never do harm. Not everyone is so lucky to make someone fall in love with them without any effort.” she said pointedly and he pretended to be offended.

„It's not my fault I'm irresistible.”

„Yeah, you for sure are.” she said, a bit ironically, and he grinned.

„I'm going to be a gentelman and I won't remind you about that night we met.”

„You're the worst!” Cortney scoffed, exiting the cubicle and wearing pretty short red dress „What do you think?”

„Pass.” Javier said, shaking his head „You're gonna catch a cold in that, woman.”

„Ugh.” Cortney rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue at him but dutifully going inside „You're the worst!” she exclaimed, her voice fond, and Javi groaned.

„You saw some of my outfits, I can't even dress myself, why do you think I'm a good judge of woman's clothing? You look pretty in everything.”

„But not in that red one, apparently.”

„You looked pretty, but the dress itself was a bit meh? If he's as cool as you're saying you don't need anything too flashy to catch his attention.”

„Jeez, you're so wise.” Cortney said, getting out again „This one is less flashy I guess?”

„Thumbs up from me.” Javi said „Stunning and all of that.”

„You're just saying that because you want to go to get food.”

„Yes I am. But it's also true.” Javi said honestly and Cortney chuckled.

„Fine, I believe you, I'll just-”

„Hello, Javi!”

Javi froze for a second and turned around to meet Tracy's cheerful smile.

„Uh, Tracy, hi!” he smiled back, surprised; he didn't know why he was so shocked to meet Tracy in a store with woman's clothing, but it was a bit weird, to see her some place that wasn't a rink.

„Well, I didn't expect to see you here.” she said and then she moved her gaze over Javi's shoulder and her eyes twinkled „Hello, I think we've met before-?”

„Yeah, we have. Cortney.” Javi's friend reminded with a smile „It's nice to see you again.”

„Same.” Tracy said, giving them one more suspiciously broad smile „Okay, I'll leave you two alone, see you tomorrow at practice, Javi!”

„Bye!” Javi stuttered, feeling slightly awkward, and Cortney laughed when they were alone again.

„Jeez, Javi, the look on your face is hilarious.”

„It was so random.” he said, shaking his head „I mean, the odds of meeting in the same store? This is Toronto for god's sake.”

„But this place is the closest to the rink.” Cortney pointed out, going back to the dressing room „By the way, I chose to believe you and I'm taking this one, but only because I'm hungry too.”

„Great. My legendary patience is really at the end.”

„You and patience? Yeah, I don't think so.” Cortney snorted from the other side of the curtain „Your man, on the other hand, has a patience of an angel, he should get a medal for dealing with you.”

„Wow, thanks Cortney.” Javi said flatly, but couldn't help himself from smiling fondly „I'm so glad you guys are getting along.”

„Are you kidding me? I mean, I had liked him before we even met, just from your stories, but when I saw him in France? He's like, the perfect guy, just his hair is weird sometimes.” she exclaimed and Javi chuckled.

„Yeah, I can agree. But he fell for me when I had the worse haircut game, so I can forgive him that.”

„You guys are disgusting, I can't” Cortney said, finally exiting the dressing room „Okay, I'm gonna pay for this one and we can go for some food hunt, I'm starving.”

 

* * *

 

Javi was mildly confused when Brian called him over to his office the next day, right after finishing training.

„Sit down, Javi.” Brian said and Javi dropped on a chair, eyeing his coach suspiciously. He was trying to decipher his expression to figure out if he should be scared, but Brian was smiling gently, and Javi tilted his head a little, waiting for him to start talking.

„So, Javi-” Brian started, sitting on the other side of the desk „- I just need you to know that I've absolutely no intention in meddling with your personal life, but I just want you to give some kind of... advice. Is that okay?”

„Ummm sure?” Javi said, more confused with every passing second „But I'm not sure what is it about?”

Brian cleared his throat, suddenly looking kind of embarassed.

„So, uhh, it's been brought to my attention that you're in a relationship and-” he said something more but Javi's hearing abilities died for a moment as he had to try his best not to screech out loud, because well, he was fucked. Brian knew about him and Sergei and it was going to end up so bad-

„- and then Tracy told me she had seen you yesterday so I thought-” Brian continued and Javi came back to his senses and to being incredibly confused.

„I'm sorry, what?” he cut his coach off „Brian, I'm sorry, but I don't think I follow.”

„Okay.” Brian said, sighing „So we know that you and that pretty ice dancer- Cortney, right?- are dating, and it's totally fine, I just want you to be caref-”

„What.” Javi said weakly „Wha- no?” he tried and Brian stopped mid sentence, looking at him with confusion.

„What no?”

„We're not dating.” Javi said and Brian gaped.

„You're not?”

„Why do you think we are?”

„I mean, I-” Brian stammered, his face turning a faint shade of red „- I saw you together a few times in here, and then in Nice, and Tracy saw you guys yesterday-”

„We're friends. She's like, my best friend in here.” Javi said and Brian blinked rapidly.

„Oh, I'm so sorry, Javi, we just assumed-” Brian sighed and shook his head „You just look so in love sometimes, you know? So happy. You might think you're hiding it, but I'm too old not to notice the signs.”

Javi swallowed hard and looked at his hands. He liked Brian, so much, and he trusted him with almost everything, but he still wasn't sure if he could trust him with that. He knew that Brian probably would be okay with him dating, and he was probably about to give him some good- hearted talk about difficulties and responsibilities, and he would wish Javi good luck.

But the situation was different, so much more complicated and so much more difficult. Because all what would matter to Brian, to the most of the world, was that Javi was dating his competitor, the last person he should be with. Javi had doubts Brian would understand that, and that he would accept that. There were reasons why they were so careful, why they kept their relationship secret. If it went public, they would be screwed. Javi would pull through it somehow, probably, too precious for his own federation to cause shit over something like that, but Sergei would be fucked.

But Javi was a shit liar, and he didn't want to lie to Brian, so he took a deep breath, his thoughts racing.

„I am in love.” he said quietly „But not with her.”

„Oh.” Brian blinked rapidly „Oh, okay?”

„But it's complicated. It's, uh, long distance.” Javi said and he could see Brian opening his mouth, and he rushed not to let him express his doubts „I know, Brian, I know. But I swear the Nice fiasco is not connected with that. It's like, the best thing for me.” he rambled and Brian looked at him throughtfully.

„Okay.” he said finally „Okay, I believe you, Javi. And I'm sorry that I wanted to meddle, I just- you know I want the best for you, right?"

„Of course.” Javi smiled at him honestly „I know.”

 

* * *

 

Two days later was Saturday and Javi used the opportunity to sleep till late and was just brushing his teeth after eating leftover pasta for lunch, when his phone rang sharply and he had to wash his mouth out in an express time before rushing to the living room when his phone was vibrating on the sofa.

„Hi!” he grinned to the phone, feeling familiar, pleasant warmth filling his chest „What's up?”

„I'm good.” Sergei sighed deeply and Javi heard a quiet rustling of a fabric „Just came from a family dinner at grandma's and I thought I'd check on you before passing out from being too full.”

„Ahh, a grandma classic.” Javi chuckled „You had fun, besides eating?”

„You know, classic questions.” Sergei said dismissively and Javi knew what he meant, and his stomach churned at that a bit.

„Yeah, I get it.” he cleared his throat „Oh, I need to tell you what happened on Thursday.”

„Yes?”

„Brian and Tracy thought that me and Cortney were dating.”

„Well.” Sergei chuckled „No wonder, I know you guys are inseparable in there.” he said and then hesitated for a moment „Actually, they're not the only ones who think that?”

„What?” Javi asked, sitting up, and Sergei sighed.

„Florent and Miki are basically convinced you two are a thing.”

Javi didn't know what to say to that. It was worth a laugh, but at the same time it felt wrong, to talk with his boyfriend about how some people thought he was dating someone else.

„Well-” Javi said after a moment „- they're gonna be so surprized one day, am I right?”

„Yeah.” Sergei chuckled and all the tension disappeared „We will have to go for a vacation for a month to escape from all the buzz.”

„We always go to that fisherman's hut in Greece. I could be a lifeguard or something.”

„Then all the people would pretend to be drowning.”

„Oh my god.” Javi giggled „I can't deal with you.”

„Oh I wish I could deal with you right now.”

„Stoop!” Javi laughed, feeling like his chest was filled with bubbles „I can't believe I let you seduce me with lines like that.”

„My seduction plan was going around half naked and as we know, it worked perfectly.” Sergei said and Javi gasped.

„You're so sneaky. Also so bad, playing with a poor nineteen years old heart like that.”

„Don't worry, that heart is totally safe now.” Sergei said, softer, and Javi smiled to himself, his fingers tingling.

„I know.” he said quietly „That's why you have it.”

„And who's telling corny lines now, huh?” Sergei asked fondly and Javi chuckled.

„I guess we're worth each other.” he whispered and Sergei exhaled softly.

„Yeah.” he said gently „I guess we are.”

 


	22. only love could ever hit this hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprises on Finlandia Trophy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... happy woman's day to all the ladies in here, here have this smut... I'm sorry if it's a bit of a mess it was so tiring hah *crawls under a rock*

Yuzuru wiggled in his seat, looking outside the window and then turning back to grin at Javi.

"No clouds. Good."

"Yeah, agreed, not a fan of turbulences right after the start." Javi nodded "You excited?"

"Yes!" Yuzuru nodded fiercely "Johnny Weir!"

"Of course." Javi agreed, biting back a grin; personally he wasn't the biggest fan of the American's skating, but Yuzuru was extatic about having a possibility to compete against him.

Javi was pretty excited too. It was the first competition of the season and he couldn't wait to perform his new programs. He loved them both, and he had a lot of fun with them during training, so he was in a pretty good mood.

"Okay, I guess I'm going to nap, steal some food for me, okay?" he said, closing his eyes, but then felt a finger between his ribs and he yelped "What the heck?"

"No sleep." Yuzuru pouted "Movie?"

Javi sighed, shaking his head, but he couldn't stop himself from smiling.

"You're such a pain in the ass." he announced and Yuzuru tilted his head, confused.

"What?"

"Nevermind." Javi chuckled "One movie and then you don't bother me all the way to Finland. Deal?"

"Deal." Yuzuru grinned.

They had pretty good partnership, Javier thought. They weren't friends or anything, but they were good. Yuzuru was a nice kid, talented, and after some time Javi stopped being afraid of his deadly gaze and learned how to communicate with him without using too much words. It turned out that Yuzuru was incredibly clingy to some of the people, and apparently Javi was one of the chosen ones. He didn't mind that, he liked physical contact and affection, and it was nice to hug someone from time to time.

 

* * *

 

His short was pretty great and Javi was knew that he was in a good place. He was feeling kinda hyped in the morning before the free skate and was munching on his breakfast happily, while Yuzuru was sitting on the other side of the table, seeming kinda gloomy.

"Cheer up, you're going to do great today." Javi said, feeling generous, and Yuzuru glared at him rather deadly, and then his eyes widened as he stared at something over Javi's head.

Javi was just about to turn around to check what was going on before someobe flopped on the chair next to him.

"Hey guys, you don't mind me joining, right?" Johnny asked, smiling broadly, and Javi shrugged. They had talked maybe three times before, but he didn't mind the older man's company, and he was sure that Yuzuru would be thrilled to sit with his idol.

"Sure." he said, smiling back, and Johnny grinned, immediately pulling Yuzuru into conversation, causing the poor boy to struggle with English even more than usual. Javi was only half paying attention, too busy with texting Sergei, who decided to send him the most ridiculous jokes as encouragement.

"I see a wide smile in here." Johnny teased him and Javi snorted.

"Just Sergei sending me stupid memes." he said and almost facepalmed "Uh, my friend-" he started and Johnny's smile widened.

"Oh I know who you're talking about." he said and Javi didn't know what to say to that, so he let Johnny continue "I used to crush on him so bad, damn. He's a hot one." Johnny said, fanning himself theatrically and Javi felt a sudden urge to smack him with a plate "I mean, I'm a married man now, but what can I say, I've a thing for Russians." Johnny added with a wink and honestly, Javi had never felt more weirded out and annoyed in his entire life.

He was jealous, okay, and it was weird, because to be honest, he had never felt jealous in this relationship before. But now there was something hot coiling in his stomach and he swallowed hard, summoning all his energy to keep his smile nice and easy.

"Great." he said through his gritted teeth "So, how do you like Finland?" he asked, changing the topic and pretending that he was interested in any answer.

 

 

In the end, bronze was pretty good, Javi decided. He had been hoping for the gold, but medal was a medal and Javi was pretty pleased. And the ceremony was fun, he had a chance to torment poor Yuzuru a bit, so when he got back to his room in the late evening, he was in a nice mood. He sat on the edge of his bed, planning to spend a lazy night under a blanket and with tv, and trying not to think too much about stupid Johnny and his stupid comments.

Well, logically speaking, he couldn't blame the American for saying the obvious truth, but at the same time Javi didn't feel comfortable with a sudden realization that he personally knew people who were finding Sergei so attractive. Javi knew that he was being stupid, but he couldn't help but keep on imagining Johnny tripping on a banana skin.

Javi took off his shoes and socks, and wondered if he should shower again, but then someone knocked to his door quietly, and he groaned. He didn't feel like dealing with Brian or Yuzuru at that hour, and they were the only people he could think of that could have any business with him.

"Hi." Sergei grinned widely "Surprise-"

Javi gaped, and screeched, and then dragged him inside, wrapping his arms around Sergei and pulling him closer.

"What, when, how-?" he rambled and Sergei smiled, kissing him briefly before hugging him tightly.

"I got here this morning, but I didn't want to distract you." Sergei muttered, his lips moving on Javi's neck "You did so good, I'm so proud of you."

Javi didn't know what to say, overwhelmed and shocked, his chest feeling tight with emotions. He was only able to clutch to Sergei's shoulders and stare at him, wide eyes, his heart pounding. Sergei smiled at him, incredibly softly, and he touched Javi's hair , carding through it.

"You look adorable." he said, grinning, and Javi breathed out, snapping out of his weird daze, and he surged forward, pressing their lips together.

"I love you." he said in between the kisses "I love you and you're the best."

His fingers were feeling shaky, and his heart was feeling big in his chest, and he was only able to grasp Sergei's shirt and kiss him deeper.

"And here I thought we would have a nice long talk-" Sergei chuckled, his hands coming to rest on Javi's waist, squeezing gently.

"We can multitask." Javi suggested, starting to walk backwards towards the bed, and Sergei hummed against his lips.

"My boyfriend is so smart." he cooed, and Javi would smack him on the shoulder for that tone, but a second later he landed on the bed, and there was no space for talking and all the space for making out.

Maybe it was all the months of separation, or maybe all the stuff he had been thinking about earlier, but he was feeling kind of desperate to be closer, every touch feeling electric, and it only made him longing for more.

"Wow, what's gotten into you." Sergei chuckled breathlessly and Javi tugged on his shirt a bit impatiently, his hands sneaking under fabric to caress skin there.

"Let's say I have my reasons." Javi muttered and Sergei grinned against his lips, taking his face in his hands and kissing him deeper.

"I'm not complaining or anything." he breathed out "I'm just surprized by so much enthusiasm, you looked pretty tired earlier, after your skate." he noticed, a shadow of concern flashing in his eyes, and Javi shook his head.

"I'm good." he muttered, but the concern didn't really disappear from Sergei's eyes, and Javi suddenly remembered that last night in Hackensack, when he had been also so frantic and desperate, and things turned heavy and painful, for a moment.

"You're going to laugh at me." he muttered and Sergei made a face at him.

"Of course, that's what I do." he said, rolling his eyes, and Javi felt blush creeping on his cheeks, and he looked down. Sergei leaned forward, kissing Javi's temple, and then forehead and cheek.

"Tell me, I won't tell anyone." he said in a conspiratory whisper and Javi giggled, relaxing a little.

"I talked with Johnny today." he muttered, throwing his head back as Sergei started kissing his neck "And I learned some interesting things?"

"Like?" Sergei hummed, grabbing a collar of Javi's shirt and pushing it aside to get better access to skin there.

"Like, you're apparently super hot and he wishes he could have more opportunities to talk with you." he said and Sergei snorted, drawing back a little, his grin wide.

"Damn." he shook his head "So he still can't get over me." he said teasingly and Javi narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Excuse me?"

"He really tried to get me to sleep with him, a long time ago?" Sergei said, rolling his eyes and Javi felt like someone lit up a fire in his chest.

"Did he manage, tho?" he asked lowly and Sergei blinked; Javi knew, logically, that Sergei would have told him before, but it wasn't really about that. It was the first time Javi felt truly jealous; he never really had problem with all the ladies eyeing Sergei and giving him the eyes, but listening to Johnny rambling about him and not being able to say anything had been awfully frustrating.

"Nope." Sergei shook his head "But I vividly remember hiding from him at one banquet... oh, worlds in 2008. Yeah, that was- hey!" Sergei yelped with surprize when Javi suddenly pushed him on the bed, so now he was lying on his back, blinking rapidly as Javi crawled on top of him, sitting on his hips.

"I don't like this talk." he said and Sergei tilted his head.

"You started this talk." he said pointedly, his hands coming to rest on Javi's waist "And now you're sitting on top of me, like you have some kind of a plan."

"Oh I do have a plan." Javi said, feeling surprisingly bold, and he took his shirt off.

"I already approve." Sergei muttered, running one of his hands across Javi's chest "I'm still wondering where it's all coming from."

"Isn't it obvious." Javi said, deciding to occupy himself with unbuttoning Sergei's shirt and then throwing it away, making him giggle.

"Maybe it is." Sergei said teasingly when Javi leaned in to kiss his neck "Maybe I just want to hear it."

"You sadist." Javi chuckled, moving to kiss his collarbone before sitting back again and looking down at Sergei, his heart speeding up, and he bit his lip for a moment "I'll tell you when we take our pants off."

"I can't even comment on that." Sergei said and Javi chuckled.

It took some fumbling and breathless laughing until Javi was in his previous position again, gasping at the feeling of their bare skin touching.

"So-" Sergei teased, his thumbs paiting circles on Javi's hips, and Javi sighed deeply, his cheeks feeling hot.

"I was jealous, okay." he said "I feel like I still am."

He was half expecting some laughter from Sergei, but he just looked at him with so much softness Javi's heart skipped a beat.

"Oh Javi." Sergei breathed out, sitting up abruptly, his arms wrapping around Javi's waist, pulling him closer, and Javi gasped at the sudden friction.

"You know you've no reason to be jealous, right?" Sergei asked, kissing Javi's shoulder.

"Of course I do." Javi gasped, his hands tangling in Sergei's hair "There are people drooling over you and I have to listen to that, not being able to say anything-"

"Oh you're talking." Sergei snorted, moving his lips to Javi's throat "You've no idea what I'm going through in here."

"You wanna share some details?"

"Well I'm super old and I let my super hot boyfriend move across the ocean, can you see the struggle?"

"Well I basically had to listen to Johnny's fantasies about you, I think I had it worse." he said and moaned quietly when Sergei bit down on his jaw lightly.

"Baby, you know there's only you." Sergei muttered and something opened in Javi's chest, hot and deep and swallowing his heart.

"Oh really." he breathed out, putting his hands on Sergei's shoulders and making him lay back on the bed. Sergei opened his mouth as if to say something, but Javi cut him off with his lips, kissing him deeply and letting his hand travel down Sergei's body, smiling into the kiss when Sergei gasped quietly.

"So you're in that mood, huh?" he asked breathlessly and Javi grinned against his neck, his hand moving with ease.

"I just want to have you." he murmured and Sergei shivered slightly.

"Damn you're hot like that." he said, his breathing hitching.

"Like what?" Javi asked, kissing down his chest, his fingers still moving expertly and Sergei let out a shuddering breath.

"Sure and... commanding."

"I can't tell the world that you're mine." Javi muttered "But I can remind you. And myself."

"I'm always yours." Sergei murmured, reaching to touch Javi's face, and Javi felt a wave of overhhelming fondness flooding his chest.

"You're mine." Javi whispered, turning his head to kiss Sergei's palm and then withdrawing a bit, biting his lip in anticipation.

There was something hot and fluttering in his chest, heat spreading to his limbs and setting his nerves on fire.

It felt like some kind of a reward, a statement, even, when their bodies joined and Sergei inhaled sharply, his body tensing up for a moment.

"It's okay." Javi leaned forward, bracing on his elbows and pressing a kiss to Sergei's furrowed brow "I've got you."

They didn't do it often that way, but Javi felt like he needed it. Maybe the reason behind it was a bit immature, some childish possesiveness taking control over him, but it felt so right now, sharing warmth and trembling, exchanging short, sloppy kisses.

"Okay." Sergei muttered finally "Here we go." he said and Javi chuckled. He didn't realized how much he had been holding himself back until he finally moved, air leaving his lungs in a stuttering moan.

"Why is it so good." Javi groaned, dropping his head to Sergei's collarbone.

"Because it's you." Sergei answered, his words coming out a bit choked out "And me."

Javi felt a string of unusual confidence, fueled by that hot pressure in his chest that he had been carrying with himself all day. Usually Sergei was the one in the lead, and Javi was more than okay with that, but he felt like he needed that now, as if to remind himself what he already knew.

"One day-" Javi muttered, picking up the pace "- one day, the whole world will know."

Sergei mumbled something Javi couldn't grasp and then whined quietly, his whole body tensing against Javi's, their lips meeting in a sloppy, half desperate kisses, their bodies working together, and Javi closed his eyes, letting himself fall.

Minutes later he slumped against Sergei's chest, and for a moment he head troubles with catching his breath, wheezing against Sergei's neck. Sergei looked absolutely spent too, his head thrown back, eyes closed and chest heaving.

"Are you okay?" Javi asked, his voice catching up in his throat, and Sergei opened his eyes slowly. His lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he only grabbed Javi's chin and pulled him in for a kiss.

"I think I need to make you jealous more often." Sergei murmured, sliding his hand to Javi's lower back "That was so hot."

Javi chuckled quietly, nuzzling against Sergei's neck, his cheeks warming up as he suddenly felt slightly embarassed.

"Mhh." was all he was able to get out and Sergei chuckled quietly.

"Hey." he said softly, gently forcing Javi to look at him "I mean it. But still you've no reasons to be jealous."

"You've no idea how much I wanted to just snap and tell him to, like, fuck off." Javi confessed and Sergei chuckled again.

"You know, it's kinda flattering that you can turn so fierce to-"

"Stooop." Javi whined "Now I'm feeling embarassed."

"You shouldn't." Sergei said, kissing his forehead and then grinning at him playfully "You know that I get jealous all the time too?"

"Huh?" Javi blinked, raising on his elbow to look down and him, and Sergei sighed dramatically.

"You're like, the best looking guy out there. Maybe except Daisuke." he said and Javi showed him playfully "I'm scared to think about what will happen when you finally grow up-"

"Oh my god, stop." Javi whined hiding his face in the crook of Sergei's neck.

"We need to work on your ability to take compliments."

"I love compliments." Javi muttered and Sergei laughed, kissing his temple.

"Of course you do." he said "What do you say about that- we rest a bit, we shower, and then I'm taking you to grab some food."

"You're so romantic."

"I'm just hungry."

"Okay, so you're the worst."

"But I'm paying."

"Shit, so I guess I need to keep you."

"Yeah, you don't really have a choice."

 

 

During their super late dinner Javi learned that Sergei had to come back to Moscow the next day, his flight in early afternoon, and he gaped, slighty shocked.

"So you came here basically for one day." he stated and Sergei smiled smugly.

"And a night." he specified in a suggestive whisper, and Javi rolled his eyes.

"You're ridiculous." he said, and then his smile softened, his heart fluttering "I love you so much, you know?" he asked quietly, and Sergei smiled back, his knee touching Javi's under the table.

"Right back at you."

When they got back to the hotel it was already after midnight and Javi finally felt all the exhaustion catching up to him, so they tucked themselves in the bed, curled under the covers, and Javi drifted away quickly, feeling warm and loved and secure.

 

 

Javi woke up lying on his stomach, gentle hands stroking his body, and he hummed contently.

"Well hello." Sergei muttered, leaning to kiss Javi's cheek "I was hoping you would wake up soon."

"Oh really." Javi mumbled sleepily, thinking about turning around, but Sergei's hand on his lower back, preventing him from moving.

"You know, I was thinking." Sergei said, kissing his nape and then first few knobs of his spine "About yesterday."

"And what did you come up with?" Javier asked and Sergei grinned against his skin.

"Guess." he whispered and Javi yelped at the feeling of familiar fingers pressing into him.

"Oh so you're in that mood now." he breathed out and Sergei chuckled quietly.

"Maybe I need to make sure you remember some things before I go." he whispered and Javi felt a shiver running down his spine. He wished he could have some clever response, something fun and sexy to say, but everything he was able to do was trying to breathe and not be too loud.

He wondered dizzily how it was possible that it was always that easy between them, to be together after months of separation and calls, not being able to touch or really see each other. But everytime they met, in whatever country, whatever place, they could fall into that familiar intimacy, both mental and physical. It was something they both they had to treasure, too precious to let it out of their hands.

"Oh." Javi whimpered into the pillow as Sergei moved almost painfully slow, covering Javi's whole body with his.

"Okay?" Sergei whispered against his ear and Javi had to bit back a moan at the tone of his voice.

"Just need a moment." he muttered and Sergei hummed in response, kissing his neck soothingly, giving him all the time he needed.

It was different than before, slower, Javi not really being able to move, trapped under Sergei's body and letting him take a lead that time. It was unhurried and warm, and sweet, somehow, every move deliberate and sure, and it was so good Javi felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

"You're doing so good." Sergei whispered, kissing his shoulder before withdrawing slowly, and Javi whined at the loss, and Sergei made a soothing sound, turning Javi on his side and then sliding back in "There we go." he muttered into Javi's ear, and Javi sighed contently before turning his head and finally kissing him, the angle a bit weird, but Javi didn't really care anymore.

It didn't take long since then, and Javi felt trapped in the best way between the warm body behind him and gentle hads, and it was almost painful when his release hit him, and he could swear he blacked out for a moment, everything feeling like too much.

He got back to his senses slowly, feeling soft hand caressing his face. He opened his eyes with difficulty and saw Sergei smiling at him with concerned smile.

"'m good." Javi mumbled and Sergei exhaled deeply.

"Good." he said, leaning to kiss his forehead "You scared me for a moment."

Javi stared at him, trying to keep his eyes open as his body still trembled, his limbs feeling loose and so incredibly warm. He reached out, his hand feeling heavy, fingers brushing Sergei's cheek and lips.

"Why 'I love you' doesn't feel like enough?" he asked, his voice quiet and tired, and Sergei shook his head, taking Javi's hand.

"It's more than enough." he said, kissing Javi's palm "It's all I ever wanted." he added in a whisper, and Javi's heart fluttered as he exhaled tiredly, his eyes closing.

"You're the worst." he mumbled, feeling Sergei wrapping his arms around him and pulling him against his chest "Ruining me like that forever. Rude."

Sergei chuckled, and his smile felt sweet against Javi's skin.

"I love you too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Johnny is always so enthusiastic about Sergei that I made it canon that he's crushing on him :D


	23. you're my adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi is bonding with his teammate and then has some fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're not into some dirty talk then you might want to read stuff under the horizontal line pretty carefully *hides*  
> Shoutout to K1mHeechu1 for being super supportive as always!

 

Javi bit his lower lip not to laugh as he stared at the medal in his hand, feeling giddy. He still couldn't quite believe it; he had just won, and he heard the Spanish anthem filling the arena, and his chest felt like it could explode with all the emotions clashing inside him. It was so surreal, but also felt so right, like Javi was standing in a place he had been supposed to reach all along. He was happy, and he was proud of himself, and he knew that he had made other people proud too. Brian, his family, Sergei, his friends.

Javi just hoped he had managed to make some other people too, and maybe he convinced someone that he was worth something.

He was still staring at the medal when someone knocked to his door rather impatiently.

„Hey there, champion.” Elene smiled at him, but there was a shadow in the corner of her mouth „Want to join me for a drink downstairs? You can celebrate and I can drown in my misery.”

Elene was fun, and she was probably Javi's favourite training partner, no offence to Yuzuru; but Elene had joined Brian's group at the same time as Javi, and there was a good friendship between them, maybe not as strong as the one Javi had with Cortney, but they were close.

Also, she was one of a few who knew that Javi was dating a skater, although he hadn't shared any details and she never pressed him to say anything he didn't feel comfortable with. It wasn't like Javi didn't trust her, but he wanted to be as careful as possible.

„Sure.” Javi smiled „But I'm paying.”

„You're going to flex on me with your winner prize, huh?” she asked and Javi rolled his eyes.

„That's exactly who I am.” he said, smiling at her gently and she smiled back.

On their way downstairs they bumped into Brian who gave them a stern glance, but there were signs of amusement in the corners of his eyes.

„You remember that you've gala tomorrow, right?” he reminded them gently and Elene made a face.

„He does, I'm not, since I'm a master of dropping from first.”

„Elene, we talked about it-” Brian started and Javi sighed, taking her hand and tugging her downstairs.

„Don't worry, two beers and she'll be cured, I promise.”

„But remember-”

„Sure Brian, goodnight!” Javi exclaimed, not stopping, and Elene chuckled quietly as the walked into the hotel bar.

„He's going bald every second he spends with us.” she said, dropping by the nearest table „Now go and bring me alcohol.”

Javi laughed shortly and did what she asked, bringing two beers and sitting in front of her. They weren't the only skaters chilling there after the competition, some tables occupied by their friends. The closest one was surrounded by a very loud team Canada, and Javi spotted Scott waving over at them, but he smiled and shook his head slightly, not in a mood for big partying.

„You good?” Javi asked and Elene sighed, taking a sip of her beer.

„A bit disappointed.” she said and then grinned „Nothing beer and your charming company couldn't fix.” she added with a wink and he raised his eyebrows.

„I better don't tell my boyfriend about that line.” he said and her grin turned smug .

„Oh so he's a jealous one?” she asked in theatrical whisper and Javi's cheeks started to feel hot as the memories from Finland flashed in front of him.

„Well-” he cleared his throat „- let's say we both have our moments.”

„Damn.” Elene shook her head „By the way, have I ever told you how much I admire that? I tried to keep a long distance thing once and it crashed and burned. I've no idea how you're making it, but I'm proud of you.” she said, smiling gently.

„I'm proud of myself too.” Javi chuckled „That I didn't manage to fuck up. Well, I kinda did.” he added, cringing a bit and Elene's face morphed into interest.

„You want to elaborate?”

„Well, I was just being in idiot. And a jerk. You know, I got insecure and... yeah. My fault.”

„That's understandable.” Elene sighed „It's so hard, to be far away from someone you love, and not be able to have them in your life everyday.”

„It is.” Javi agreed quietly, his heart jumping in his chest „But beside that moment... I think we're making it. I miss him, and he misses me, but I just feel... sure. I'm so sure, Elene.” he said and her expression softened.

„This is pretty amazing.” she chuckled and then grinned playfully „You know that I'm taking every piece of an information about that guy to try and figure out who he is, right?” she said and he gasped.

„Oh, who is your type?”

„Well, at first I thought it could be Patrick, but I changed my mind.” she announced and Javi choked on his beer.

„Patrick?!”

„You guys are friends, right? You guys are always so smiley and stuff, unless he gets too moody to handle.” Elene said, rolling her eyes „I had my bet on Florent also, but well, if you were a thing you would be together in that exact moment, but you're here with me.”

„Wow.” Javi shook his head „You put some thought into it, huh?” he chuckled and then looked at her, his smile a bit more serious „You know that I trust you, but-”

„Cut it, Javi.” she said gently „I get it, really. It's important, and you want to keep it safe. Keep it safe, and don't think about anything else.”

„You're the best.” Javi smiled at her, feeling all warm and happy „You have some other golden thoughts to help me with my relationship?”

Elene tilted her head a little, considering, and then said something in Georgian, her smile wide.

„What was that?” Javi asked curiosuly and she laughed, shaking her head.

„I will tell you on your wedding.” she said, winking, and Javi gaped, pretending to be offended. He wanted to demand a proper translation, but then someone wrapped his arm around Javi's shoulders.

„Did somebody say wedding?”

„Well hello to you too, Scott.” Elene deadpanned and Javi glared up at a very tipsy Canadian standing by his side „Your eavesdropping skills are impressive.”

„You're charming. You were talking about our wedding, right? I want to marry you.” Scott decided and Elene scoffed.

„Very generous offer, I need to think about it.” she said and Javi snorted, enjoying the banter, and that brought Scott's attention back to him.

„Javi, my man!” he exclaimed cheerfully, shaking his shoulder „Congrats for making Patrick miserable, it's hilarious.”

„Uhh, thanks?” Javi tried, smiling a bit dumbly and Scott smiled devilishly, leaning down a bit.

„You want to know a secret?”

„Sure?”

„Kaetlyn has a crush on you.” Scott whispered dramatically „So I came here to check if you two are a thing, or if you and Cortney are a thing, or if there's some fling. Hey, I rhymed!” he exclaimed, clearly proud of himself, and Elene snorted.

„You're such a poet.” she said and Scott pouted.

„She's so mean. I still want to marry her, tho.” he said, looking at Javi with big, blurred eyes, and Javi wasn't sure how to handle him, but then a rescue came.

„And you're drunk, Scotty.” Paul said, grabbing Scott by the waist and starting to drag him away „Have a nice evening guys, we won't let him get away anymore.”

„Not a problem.” Elene smiled and then turned to look at Javi „You've some weird expression.” she noticed and Javi shrugged, feeling a bit awkward.

„Do you think Kaetlyn has a crush on me?”

Javi was never good in handling situations like that, when he wasn't interested in someone, and he was feeling a tiny bit uncomfortable.

„Oh Javi.” Elene chuckled, her expression fond „I think half of the field has a crush on you, and if they don't, they will.”

„Uhhh?” Javi stammered, blinking in confusion, and she laughed.

„Surprised?”

„Well... yes?” Javi stammered; it wasn't like he thought he wasn't attractive or something, but he couldn't help but feel a tiny bit awkward, even though he had had that jealousy talk with Sergei.

„Oh boy.” Elene shook her head fondly „I hope that man of yours is helping you with your self esteem, because you're a piece of work.”

Javi just shrugged sheepishly, grinning, and Elene sighed.

„I guess this calls for another beer.” she said, smiling, and Javi had never liked her more than in that moment.

„I think it does.”

 

* * *

 

„Congrats!” Javi cooed to the phone, opening the door to his apartment with one hand and a help of his leg „You did so good, I'm so proud of you!”

„Thanks! It felt really good.” Sergei exclaimed, clearly excited „I feel like I could add that second quad soon, everything is coming together pretty cool this season.”

„That's so great.” Javi smiled as he was taking off his shoes and then wandered to the living room where he threw himself on the sofa. He was so happy for Sergei, who seemed to be injury- free, finally, and he was clearly feeling good. He deserved to have a good season, and that bronze that he had just gotten in China seemed like a good start.

„I can't wait for NHK.” Javi sighed into the phone and Sergei chuckled.

„Oh you so can't wait to beat me, right?” he teased and Javi snorted.

„Maybe.” he pretended to be wondering „Should we make some bet?”

„Hmm, let's think.” Sergei hummed „If I'm placing better, you have to come to Moscow for New Year's Eve.”

„Wow, so demanding.” Javi chuckled „But I could do that.”

„Okay, so that one is settled. What about you.”

„Oh, I just want shower sex.” Javi said bluntly and Sergei was silent for a second before he started laughing.

„I could do that without betting.” he said „Where did it come from?”

„I don't know.” Javi whined, covering his eyes and feeling slightly embarassed „I don't know, I was watching you yesterday and you looked so hot, and I just-” he stopped talking abruptly, biting his tongue, his not so holy thoughts from a day before coming back to him.

„You're telling me I looked hot?” Sergei asked with amusement.

„Duh. You had such a great murder face during your short, it was amazing.” Javi stressed out and Sergei laughed again.

„I was just focused.”

„Yeah, whatever.” Javi snorted „Also, I appreciate your free outfit. I appreciate it a lot.”

„Wow, you're so enthusiastic today.” Sergei chuckled „Thinking about shower sex turns you on?”

„You turn me on.”

„Oh my god, and you say my lines are bad? How dare you.”

„Your jokes are on my dad's level.” Javi said and he regretted it instantly as he could basically hear Sergei's smug grin „Please don't, I take it back.” Javi begged and Sergei snorted.

„I've no idea what you're talking about.” Sergei said innocently „Okay, back to our big plans. You thought it through already?”

„Maybe.” Javi muttered, feeling a spark of excitement running down his spine.

„Hmm.” Sergei hummed lowly „If you get to the podium we can do it in a locker room.” he suggested and Javi gasped, surprised.

„Oh my god, do you have some kinks I didn't know about?” he asked, but the idea made him feel very warm in certain parts of his body.

„Maybe I do, but I'm saving them for later, so you don't get bored with me.”

„I'd never get bored with you.”

„You're the cutest.” Sergei said fondly „Also, I know that you have kinks too.”

„Oh do I?”

„Yeah. Like phone sex, for example.”

„Meh, it's okay.” Javi said, doing a very poor job at pretending while he hesitantly started tugging at the hem of his shirt.

„So you're saying you've something better to do now?” Sergei asked and Javi bit his lip.

„I mean, not really, so I guess I could give it a go.”

He knew that Sergei wasn't buying that very fake lack of interest, but it was a part of the fun.

„You guess?” Sergei chuckled, and Javi's heart skipped when he heard how his breathing hitched a little.

„I guess.”

„Then I guess you should find yourself a comfortable position.”

„I'm very comfortable.” Javi murmured and Sergei breathed out deeply.

„I so can't wait to see you.” he said, his voice quiet and soft „I miss you so much.”

„I miss you too.” Javi whispered, moving one hand to rest on his thigh „You know what I'm thinking about?”

„A shower?”

„Oh we'll come back to that.” Javi muttered, finally letting his hand sneak into his pants „I'm thinking about the first time we had sex.”

„Oh.”

„You were so good to me.” Javi breathed out, his fingers moving slowly „So much better I could ever ask for.”

„I couldn't believe it was happening, I wanted you for so long.”

„Oh yeah? Because I was the one who had to initiate all the sex talk-”

„Baby, you have no idea how many mornings I had to sneak out to the bathroom before you would wake up.”

„You could've just come to me.” Javi almost moaned, feeling pleasure building in the pit of his stomach.

„And do what?” Sergei asked breathlessly and Javi's toes curled up.

„Wake me up with your lips.” Javi said without hesitation, feeling bold.

„Oh my god-”

„I wanted you so bad.” Javi gasped, his hand moving fast, his heart pounding „But I was scared you didn't want me that way-”

„You were all I could think about, Javi.” Sergei whispered, his breathes shallow and rapid „You still are, and I miss you so much.” his voice cracked a little and Javi's heart pounded almost painfully.

„I want to feel you.” Javi whimpered, feeling himself getting closer to the edge „You feel so good, always, I-”

„I know, baby, I know.” Sergei breathed out shakily „You're so perfect, you know? I'm so lucky you chose me.”

„How could I not.” Javi mumbled, his skin tingling „When you made me come for the first time, I thought I'd die from how good it felt-” he rambled and Sergei gasped brokenly on the other side of the line. They weren't that much into dirty talk when they were physically together, but there was something about moments like that, when they couldn't touch each other, when they didn't see each other, and all they could do was say how much they missed each other, how badly they needed to be together. They weren't strangers to situations like that, and days when Javi had been shy about sex were long gone.

„You're the best I ever had.” Sergei mumbled, and Javi could tell that he was close too „And I wanted you for so long, you can't even imagine-”

„Tell me.” Javi urged, his body tensing up.

„I was thinking about you even before I fell for you.” Sergei confessed „You're so hot, baby, I was trying so hard not to think about you, but I couldn't help myself.”

„I just wanted you to fuck me.” Javi said bluntly, not really caring anymore, too wrung out to drag it „I just can't wait to have you with me me again-”

„So soon, baby, so soon.” Sergei panted „Damn I wish I could see you right now, you look so good when you-”

Javi couldn't really hear the rest of his sentence, a loud whine leaving his lips drowning every other sound as his body shuddered in pleasure. It took him a moment to come back to his senses, his chest heaving as his hearbeat was slowing down.

For a few minutes they were just sharing their breathes quietly, letting themselves calm down, until Javi swallowed over his dry throat.

„You alive?”

„Barely.” Sergei chuckled tiredly „You're so bad for my health, Javi.”

„Sure, blame me.” Javi laughed, still a bit breathless, and then cleared his throat „Well, that was fun.”

„As always.” Sergei chuckled lazily „It's like you turn into a different person when I can't see you.”

„Because you can't look at me with your judgy eyes.” Javi joked lightly.

„Oh yes, that's what I always do.” he said and then yawned, clearly trying to muffle it, and Javi's heart fluttered with an overwhelming fondness.

„Go to sleep, it's well past your bedtime where you are.”

„It is.” Sergei yawned again „I need to gain some stamina before NHK, I've a feeling.”

„You're so right.” Javi chuckled, smiling softly to himself „I love you, you know?”

„Yeah, I suspected that.” Sergei said quietly, his voice muffled „I love you too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo that was it... In the next chapter: NHK, where someone is an asshole and someone gets a clue.


	24. you'll never be alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cursed NHK. That's it, that's the summary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know who's an asshole? Fate! Also, is plot here? Nope! Ily guys, I hope you enjoy!

 

„Javi, my man!” yelled a familiar voice somehwere from behind and a moment later someone was plastered to Javi's back, hugging him tightly and knocking breath out of his lungs.

„Chill out, brother, you'll break him.” said another voice and a moment later Maia appeared in Javi's eyesight, smiling at him widely „Hey there, Javi!”

„Hi!” Javi grinned while trying to get rid of Alex „Get off of me, you monkey.”

„Well it's nice to see you too!” Alex exclaimed, finally letting him go and standing next to Maia „What's up? You just got here?”

„Yeah, just got my acreditation.” Javi nodded „I feel like I could sleep for ages, but that would be a disaster at this hour.”

„True.” Maia nodded and then her face brightened up „Hey, we were about to go grab some food in the city, come with us!”

„Yeah, sure! Just let me text Brian, I'll let him know in case he would be looking for me.”

An hour later they were sitting in a cosy restaurant and eating some ramen. Javi was enjoying his food while listening to Alex, who was babbling with a rapid speed of a machine gun, Maia watching him with amusement. They knew each other for yars now, Javi couldn't really recall the moment they had met for the first time. They were good friends, and they had gotten even closer during last summer when they were taking part in the same summer shows in Japan.

„Damn, it's so good to be back!” Alex exclaimed, leaning back in his chair, clearly full and very pleased with his meal „I've all the greatest memories from Japan.”

Javi smiled faintly, his mind drifting for a moment to his own Japan memories, to summer shows and to 2011, when everything had changed, and when he had been sitting on a beach, watching sunset with someone special.

„Yeah.” he said, a bit absently „Japan's cool.”

„Look at that, we agree on something, who would've thought.” Alex grinned and Maia smacked his shoulder.

„You've no manners, jeez.” she shook her head before smiling at Javi sweetly „So, how are you, Javi? Because Alex here didn't let you get a word in edgewise.”

„Hey!”

„I'm good, thanks.” Javi smiled „Excited and slightly nervous for the competition, nothing new.”

„Yeah, cool, now give us bloody details!” Alex chimed in again „How's Yuzuru? You guys are getting along?”

„Uhh, yeah.” Javi shrugged „You know how he is-”

„No one knows how he is!” Alex exclaimed dramatically, earning „You-”

„Oh my god, stop.” Maia said, smacking her brother's head „It's not funny.”

„I know, I know, sorry.” Alex said, grinning at Javi „You must be sick of these questions already.”

„I mean, I never get asked more than ten times a day.” Javi shrugged „But I guess I should get used to them.”

„Yeah.” Maia nodded, a bit awkwardly and then changed the topic smoothly „So, any other news? Heard good things about your programs.”

„Really?” Javi perked up, pleasantly surprized, and Alex laughed.

„Apparently your short is super hot.” he whispered in a theatrical whisper and Maia elbowed him.

„What he meant to say was congrats for winning in Canada, you deserved that.”

„Thanks guys.” Javi chuckled, watching with amusement how Alex was rubbing his ribs, shooting Maia dark glances „You're the best.”

They spent one more hour on catching up and just chatting, until it was high time to go back to the hotel to get some rest.

„Which floor?” Alex asked when they got into an elevator and it took Javi a second to think about it, and the moment he said _seventh,_ someone managed to open the door again in the last second possible.

„Sorry.” Nikita smiled at them, a bit awkwardly, and Javi smiled at him, taking a step back to make some more space, and a second later his heart screeched as he saw Sergei entering the elevator right behind his Russian companion.

„Hi.” Javi squeaked, trying to make himself sound careless and fun, but the sound that left his throat was a bit raspy.

„Hi!” Sergei did much better job at acting normal, but his eyes twinkled with fondness.

„Everyone will fit in here!” Alex announced cheerfully „Which floors, guys? Javi seventh, right? You guys?”

„Fifth.” Nikita said, blushing a little.

„Seventh too.” Sergei said and Javi had to bit his lip not to grin. Nikita gave Sergei a suprised glance but didn't say anything. Everyone was quiet, and Javi couldn't help but think that Alex and Maia seemed a bit awkward, not really familiar with older Russians, but Javi didn't really think about it, too excited with his boyfriend's presence. He tried his best not to stare, but he couldn't help but notice that Sergei looked good, and healthy, eyes shining and hair sticking in all directions.

Nikita left first, giving them all a shy smile.

„Bye guys, good luck.” Javi smiled when the elevator stopped at his floor „Maia, save me a dance on a banquet.” he added with a grin before stepping out to the corridor, Sergei one step behind him. They didn't say the word as Sergei caught up with him in the middle of the corridor, but Javi could see his grin, and his heart skipped a beat. When they got to his door he couldn't find his keycard, searching all his pockets, and Sergei's mouth twitched, as if he was about to laugh.

„You're stressing me out.” Javi complained quietly and Sergei grinned.

„I'm not doing anything.”

„You're staring.” Javi said, finally finding the key in his pocket.

„You know that I love staring at you.” Sergei said lowly and it caused Javi to have even more fumbling with opening the door.

But he finally managed to get them inside, and a second later Sergei had him pressed against the door, his hands on Javi's hips, lips meeting halfway.

It hadn't been the longest separation in their relationship, but it didn't make the reunion any less sweet and it didn't stop Javi's fingers from shaking as he grabbed the front of Sergei's shirt, pulling him closer, still longing to be closer.

„Hi.” Sergei murmured when they pulled apart to catch a breath, and he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Javi's.

„Hey there.” Javi whispered back, leaning in to press a brief kiss to Sergei's lips before wrapping his arms around him and hugging him tightly. He breathed in deeply, inhaling the familiar scent of Sergei's skin and feeling his warmth through two layers of clothes. They stayed like that for a few minutes, without words, just breathing, fingers digging lightly in loosened muscles.

They didn't have to tell each other that they had been missing each other, because they knew it so well, and they had said it so many times already, with thousands of miles separating them.

„You good?” Sergei asked, kissing his temple, and Javi sighed contently against his neck.

„I'm fine.” he said and Sergei chuckled, drawing back a little to look him in the eyes.

„You're sleepy, though.” he said, sparks of fondness dancing in his eyes as he caressed Javi's cheek gently.

It was true, Javi was sleepy and tired after the day of travelling and walking around the city. But also that evening was the last moment they could spend some time together before the competition would kick in.

„I'm not. Not at all.” Javi said, opening his eyes comically wide and Sergei laughed.

„My poor baby, so tired.” he cooed, flicking Javi's nose, and Javi pouted at him.

„Are we seriously going to comment our age now? Because I have some in mind-”

„Oh no, I probably wouldn't survive that.” Sergei gasped and leaned to kiss Javi again, sweet and deep, and Javi's whole body started to feel warm and fuzzy.

„Fiiine.” he whined, nuzzling into Sergei's neck „I want make out, tho. And you're staying here, we've only practice tomorrow.”

„How could I ever say no to that.” Sergei chuckled.

„You can't, I'm irresistible.”

„Damn right you are.”

 

* * *

 

One second, two, three.

Javi stopped and blinked, and it didn't feel real.

His body hurt and his heart was in his throat, heavy and making breathing diffcult. He was feeling dizzy as he skated toward the boards, and he was only vaguely aware of Brian saying something, his voice reassuring, but Javi couldn't understand any words. He was feeling numb, and everything was muffled, as if his brain turned into cotton.

Javi had no idea what had happened. He just knew that he has messed up.

He swallowed hard, trying to get rid of acis raising in his throat as he waited for the scores.

His skin hurt, and his heart was beating rapidly, filling his chest with a dull pain.

Brian was doing pretty good job at hiding his disappointment, but Javi couldn't bring himself to appreciate it enough, and he didn't know if he what he wanted to do more, cry or scream. Or maybe he just wanted to curl in a corner and fall asleep, and not wake up for a long time.

He landed on fifth, in the end, and by some miracle it was enough to get him into the final; but Javi wasn't ready to feel happy about it, bitter disappointment burning him from inside.

He was supposed to be better. He had won Skate Canada, over Patrick freaking Chan, he should be able to get that stupid bronze at least.

Maybe he wasn't all that good, in the end.

 

 

Someone knocked to his door, gently, as if that person didn't want to give Javi choice if he wanted to open or not.

He had pretty good idea what could that be.

Sergei didn't say anything, just smiled and raised a big plushy heart, waving with it a bit, and Javi couldn't help a half- smile from appearing on his lips. He stepped aside, letting Sergei in, and a moment later they were standing next to the bed, facing each other.

„For you.” Sergei said, handing him a pillow, and Javi took it, bringing it to his chest and hugging it.

„Is it some kind of a metaphore?” he asked quietly, trying to be funny, and Sergei's smile widened.

„Pretty obvious one, right?”

Javi chuckled, humorlessly, and then sighed quietly.

„I'm sorry, I'm trying-”

„It's okay.” Sergei said, stepping closer and kissing Javi's forehead „I can go, if you feel like being alone.”

Javi bit his lip, considering. He didn't want to be alone, he never wanted that, but he also didn't want to bring Sergei's mood down and spoil their rare moment together.

„I-” he started but his voice cracked, and he felt lump forming in his throat, big and painful, and he realized with horror that he was about to cry.

„Hey.” Sergei muttered, touching his cheek, and Javi felt a few tears escaping his eyes and running down his face. He felt so stupid, crying over failure like that, and so, so childish, and he wished he could pull himself together, but he couldn't, and he was just feeling small and fragile, and he wanted to hide from the entire world.

„I'm sorry.” he choked out, closing his eyes and trying to take a deep breath „I'm sorry, I'm just-”

„I know, baby, I know.” Sergei breathed out, wrapping his arms around Javi and pulling him closer „You can cry if you want, it's okay." he whispered, kissing the top of Javi's head „It's okay.”

There was no judgement in his voice, no annoyance, just love and patience and understanding, and Javi felt truly, utterly safe in Sergei's arms, like always with him, and he let himself cry quietly, getting rid of all the bitterness and disappointment.

„Sorry.” he muttered once again, when he calmed down, pulling back and wiping his face, feeling embarassed, and Sergei shook his head.

„What did I say about apologizing?” he asked, taking Javi's face in his hands, thumbs rubbing along Javi's cheekbones.

Javi bit his lower lip to stop himself from saying anything more, and he looked at Sergei's face from so close, finally, carefully.

„How are you?” he asked quietly and Sergei shrugged.

„Okay. Kinda disappointed that the judges hate on me in pcs, still.”

„They're so mean.” Javi whispered, trying to be fun, lighten the mood, but his voice came out quiet and weak.

„Yeah, it's they revenge for skating in the old system.” Sergei said, clearly trying to cheer Javi up somehow, and Javi appreciated the effort so much.

„You and Laura should compare your notes about it.” he said and Sergei smiled softly.

„Invite me for Christmas and I will.”

„Deal.” Javi breathed out, his heart skipping a beat as he tipped his chin up and kissed Sergei, one hand coming to rest on the back of his neck, and he felt like the knot in his stomach started loosing up.

They kept on making out for some time, slow and lazy, Sergei's hands coming to rest Javi's waist, pulling him closer gently, and Javi started to feel small sparks of arousal running up and down his spine.

„You know-” he muttered in between kisses „- you promised me something.”

„I did.” Sergei agreed, one hand travelling to rest on the small of Javi's back „I wasn't sure if you would be in a mood.”

„I'm always in a mood.” Javi said, moving to kiss his jaw „Just sometimes it's sad sex mood, like today.”

„Sad sex mood?” Sergei chuckled, running his hand along Javi's spine „I'm sorry Javi, but it doesn't sound tempting.”

„Liar, the word sex is always tempting.”

„Maybe you're tempting.”

„Oh no. Oh you didn't.” Javi couldn't help but laugh shortly at that, and Sergei grinned, clearly delighted that he managed to lift Javi's mood a bit.

„I did, and I will do-”

„Oh my god, shut up. Take your shirt off and shut up.” Javi shook his head, smiling, and Sergei laughed.

„I guess I can work with that.”

 

 

There was a big logistic problem with their oh so desired shower activities.

„Well this isn't too spacious.” Sergei noticed the obvious and Javi pouted. He was feeling better now, when the tears dried, his body more relaxed, and only a few bruises on his hips reminding him of what had happened earlier. He would think about it later, probably, go through all his mistakes, try to figure out what had gone wrong. But now he was standing in a way too small shower, in the arms of his loved one, hot water caressing his just a bit sore muscles.

„The universe hates me.” Javi muttered, wrapping his arms around Sergei and kissing him, sighing with pleasure when their bodies pressed against each other.

„Okay, I've an idea.” Sergei muttered and Javi was about to ask for details when he felt warm fingers running down his spine.

„Mhh I like the idea.” he mumbled and then inhaled sharply, his forehead dropping to Sergei's shoulder, and he closed his eyes, focusing on loosing up and just enjoying the feeling.

There was still just a pinch of something ugly, deep in his chest, but it quickly got muffled by waves of heat and pleasure flooding his body, and he couldn't stop himself from rolling his hips a bit, drawing a quiet hiss out of Sergei.

„What, you should have some fun too.” Javi muttered, kissing his shoulder, and Sergei chuckled quietly.

„I'm having the best fun.” he said, his voice fond and warm, his hands moving expertly as their bodies rolled against each other, and Javi let himself drift away, get lost in that familiar, almost painful intimacy, letting water and pleasure wash away all the struggles and disappointment.

 

When they finally got out of the shower long minutes later, all Javi wanted to do was to curl up in the bed and maybe watch some ridiculous Japanes tv show, and don't let go of Sergei's hand for the rest of the night. But Sergei had to be himself and insisted on grabbing some food, and Javi knew that he was on a losing position.

„You need your calories, Javi.” Sergei said as he was putting his pants on, and Javi pouted.

„I've plenty of calories. All the time. Food is life.”

„Yeah, of course, and you don't skip breakfasts.” Sergei deadpanned and Javi gaped.

„Are you spying on me? Or you talked with Brian? Or-”

„I just know you, Javi.” Sergei said with a smile, shaking his head „Now hurry up, we've half an hour till they close.”

„They're all gonna hate us.” Javi said, but he couldn't help but smile back.

Luckily they weren't the only guests downstairs, so their waitress didn't look at them with murder in her eyes, and they managed to have a quick, pleasant meal with not so much talking and a lot of smiling and kicking each other under the table. No one walked over too them, people too busy eating or drinking, and Javi let his guard down, feeling kind of tired after all the activities of the day.

And then, they bumped into Elene in front of the elevator.

„Hey guys!” he smiled at them absently, and judging by her clothes, she had been out of the hotel on some partying „What's up?”

„Uhhh.” Javi shrugged awkwardly and Elene's eyes softened.

„Sorry.” she muttered, touching his shoulder and then she moved her eyes to Sergei, and her gaze sharpened „Hi Sergei. Haven't seen you in a while.”

„Well I'm still living in mother Russia.” he said, chuckling sheepishly, and Elene tilted her head, watching them, and Javi felt a little bit anxious.

And then she said something, in rapid Russian Javi couldn't understand, but Sergei looked a bit stunned.

She left on her floor with a smile and a _goodbye,_ and Javi turned to Sergei, who was blinking rapidly.

„What was that?” Javi asked and Sergei looked at him, his expression weird.

„She said _hurt him and I'll fuck you up so bad mother Russia won't recognize you anymore.”_ Sergei said flatly, but there were some sparks dancing deep in his eyes "But she also said that she trusted me so I guess I'm safe for now."

„Oh my god.” Javi said and in that moment they reached his floor and they walked to his room quickly „She's um, kinda protective over me, I guess?”

„Yeah, I guess.” Sergei chuckled, dropping to the bed „That was kinda scary, but I appreciate it. It's good to know someone's there for you when I can't. And I know her enough to know that she won't tell anyone.”

„Yeah, she would never.” Javi agreed, crawling next to Sergei and gluing himself to his side. It kind of sucked, that they had to keep their relationship that much of a secret, but it was necessary.

They lay on their sides, facing each other, because Javi really liked to watch Sergei, taking every second they had together, remembering all the dots of color in his eyes and memorising faint wrinkles that started to appear arround his eyes. His expression must have turned weird, because Sergei made a face at him.

„What?” he asked and Javi shrugged, bringing his hand to caress Sergei's face.

„Nothing.” he said, and then, after a moment „I wanted to apologize for earlier, but I know you wouldn't like it.”

„You're damn right.” Sergei said and then smiled, softly „I'll try to get to Sochi for the final, but I can't promise anything.”

„That's okay.” Javi said quietly „By the way, it would be awesome if you could come for Christmas.”

„You know that I celebrate in January, right?” Sergei asked and Javi rolled his eyes.

„You still can come for presents.” he said and Sergei grinned.

„I'd love to.” he muttered, leaning in to press a kiss to Javi's lips „Now we're going to sleep, I had way too much fun for one day.”

„So much emotions, right?” Javi asked and Sergei's gaze softened.

„You okay?” he asked, touching Javi's brow gently, and Javi sighed.

„I'm fine.” he said quietly „I'll survive.”

„Of course you will.” Sergei said, closing his eyes and sighing deeply, his hand moving to rest on Javi's hip „You always do.”

„I guess that's my thing.” Javi muttered and Sergei smiled sleepily, moving closer, so there were now mere inches separating their faces.

„It is.”

 

 

They managed to steal some time together during the banquet, but they had to keep their beheaviour low profile and not suspicious, what earned them amused glances from Elene.

The goodbye caught Javi off- guard, more than anytime before, and it all had to happen right down in the hotel reception.

„They moved us to an earlier flight.” Sergei said apologetically and Javi swallowed har.

„I get it.” he said, putting on a brave smile „So-” he swallowed hard, painfully aware of all the people surrounding them „- I'll see you soon?”

„You bet you will.” Sergei said, giving him a quick hug before taking a step back and smiling tightly „Take care of yourself, right?”

„You too, right?”

Sergei just smiled, wide, and then, he was gone.

„Javi, hey! You're so pale, you okay?”

Javi blinked rapidly and turned to see Maia standing by his side.

„Yeah, I'm okay.” Javi said, smiling „I'll survive.”

 

 


	25. you accept me and I accept you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End of the year, a bunch of softness and a bit of sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I basically wrote it in one sitting and at first I didn't like it at all, but now I changed my mind, I hope you'll enjoy!

 

Sergei couldn't make it to Sochi, training and other responsibilities keeping him in Moscow. Javi was a bit disappointed, of course, but he didn't cry over it, and focused fully on getting himself together. He had some longs talk with Brian, they changed a few things, they talked more, and Javi felt much more stabile while sitting on a plane to Russia. He just knew he would do good, maybe not good enough to be on the podium, but he just hoped he wouldn't feel the same utter disappointment as mere weeks before in Japan.

When he got there for the first practice everyone seemed super intense, and Javi felt a bit left out. Yuzuru abandoned him without a blink of an eye for his Japanese friends, and Javi would gladly hang out with Patrick, but his friend seemed to be not in the greatest mood, so Javi decided to stay away. Patrick was one of his closest friends in the field, but when he was hitting that mood Javi knew better than to interrupt him whatever he was doing inside his head.

Luckily, not everyone was unapproachable.

„Javiiii!” yelled someone loudly and some tall figure crashed into him, hugging him tightly „I missed you!”

„Hey there, Max.” Javi chuckled, patting his friend on the back „I haven't seen you in a while.”

„Yeah, since you left me.” Maxim pouted „So not cool.”

„Sorry.” Javi chuckled „Heard you have new coach too, right?”

„Yep. So much better than that asshole.”

„Language, Max.” Javi said, pretending to be stern, and Maxim rolled his eyes.

„You're not my mother.”

„But I'm like your older brother, right.”

„Right.” Max nodded and then his expression turned a bit more serious „It sucked, without you. Everyone was missing you so much.”

„That's sweet, but I'm pretty sure you guys were just fine.”

„I know better, but fine.” Max said and then grinned widely „So, are we making a bet who has better quads?”

„Oh you're going down, kid.”

 

 

Javi didn't get to the podium, but he won the free skate with three quads landed, and his blood was buzzing with adrenaline. Brian looked thrilled, with both him and Yuzuru, and Javi was so incredibly happy that he managed to make him proud.

„I told you that you could do it.” Brian said, patting his shoulder „I'm really, really proud of you, and I've some good feeling about your nats.”

„Me too.” Javi said, smiling.

It felt nice, to perform on a level he knew he was able to reach.

Maybe, in the end, he could do better.

 

* * *

 

Sergei couldn't make it for Christmas in Madrid either, as it was time for his own nationals, but he could make it for the New Year's Eve, and Javi couldn't be happier.

„Woah, easy, you're going to suffocate me.” Sergei chuckled, but his arms around Javi's shoulders were tight „I really want to survive till 2013.”

„Don't worry, you're safe with me.” Javi muttered against Sergei's chest, enjoying the sound of familiar heartbeat „You had good flight?”

„Decent. These cheap lines are so small tho, my back is killing me.” Sergei complained, the tone of his voice light, and Javi smiled with sympathy.

„Awww, my poor old boyfriend.” he cooed and Sergei snorted, rolling his eyes „Good I've a comfortable bed.” Javi added and Sergei grinned smugly.

„Oh that's true.” he said in a suggestive voice and Javi gaped.

„Oh my god, I can't stand you already, you thirsty man, go back to Russia.” he exclaimed, but then shook his head, smiling „Come on, let's go home. You look like you could use some rest.”

„I'm good.” Sergei said quickly and Javi shook his head.

„You look like you haven't slept good in ages.” he said softly, tapping the corner of Sergei's eye gently „Here.”

„Well, nationals were tough.” Sergei said with a slight smile and then took Javi's hand „Okay, let's go, I really miss that bed of yours.”

 

 

New Year's party was a calm affair. They kept it mostly in the family, Javi's parents and Laura and two of her friends, also one of Javi's aunts with her husband. It was nice and fun, and everyone was warm and welcoming, and it had been ages since Javi had felt so wholesome and happy. He spent most of the evening and waiting for midnight glued to Sergei's side, what was earning them amused looks from everyone, but he didn't care. Sergei seemed to be having good time too, talking a lot and telling all his worst jokes, making Javi whine quietly in a second hand embarassment.

Javi wished he could have all of that more often.

Maybe someday.

They had a bunch of fun, watching fireworks and then filling the grape tradition, poor Sergei almost choking on fruit, and it suddenly hit Javi, that a year just ended, when so many things had happened, and it felt both like such a short time, but it the same it was as heavy as a lifetime.

They lingered on the balcony for a little longer, when the rest of the guys went outside. They didn't talk, just staring at the sky that seemed so bright because of all the lights that still weren't put to sleep.

„What's going on?” Javi asked, nudging Sergei's shoulder „You've such a serious expression.”

Sergei smiled slightly, still looking at the city in front of him.

„Just thinking.” he said with a shrug and Javi bit, his lip, considering if he should press a bit or leave it be.

„You look sad.” he said finally, quietly „Since you came here. And I'm wondering if you want to talk about it.”

„I should.” Sergei breathed out, still not looking at Javi „But I don't want to upset you.”

„Hey.” Javi said, taking Sergei's hand and squeezing it gently, feeling a little sting of anxiety „We're supposed to talk to each other, right?”

„Right. I think I came up with that rule.” Sergei chuckled shortly, looking at Javi for a moment before looking away again, but it was enough for Javi to saw the deep frown on his face.

He waited patiently for a minute or two, and then Sergei took a deep breath.

„I kinda outed myself on a family dinner. By accident.”

„Oh.” Javi said, rather dumbly, and he cringed at himself, but Sergei chuckled again, humorlessly.

„Yeah.”

He didn't look happy and Javi didn't know if he wanted to ask for more details, but he knew that he should, now.

„At least it was only grandparents and aunt Ana.” Sergei said, before Javi could bring himself to speak up „And they're not telling anyone else, so we're good.” ha added, and he was so trying to keep his voice light, but failing, and Javi's heart squeezed.

„Hey.” he murmured, putting one hand on Sergei's cheek and making him look at him „Is it bad?” he asked, finding enough courage, and Sergei's eyes dimmed.

„Pretty bad.” he admitted quietly „They- I don't blame them, you know? They were raised in a certain world, that hasn't fully changed yet, and they- they have their opinions. They had their expectations, and hopes, about me, and- well. They're disappointed. And for sure not happy.”

It was clear that he was trying to keep himself together, but a corner of his mouth twitched, as if he was about to cry, and Javi's heart stuttered.

„I'm sorry.” he said, wrapping his arms around Sergei and hugging him, as close and tight as possible „I'm so, so sorry.”

„It's okay.” Sergei muttered, his voice muffled against Javi's neck „They love me, I know that, they just- they're not used to that.”

„I know.” Javi said quietly „It still sucks.”

„It does.” Sergei agreed in a whisper, nuzzling his face closer, and they stood like that for long minutes, Javi didn't really count, and he didn't want to.

Their families and environments were different, and their countries were different, but it was only now when Javi realized how much more difficult it was for Sergei, and how much more difficult it would be for him in the future, to finally announce it all publicly. He would be dead for his federation, that they both had known long before, but only now it was catching up to Javi how much impact it could have on Sergei's life in Russia after that; he was a public person there, someone recognizable, and not everyone would be happy about the news.

Javi could sense that Sergei didn't want to get back in that topic, so when they pulled apart finally, he smiled and squeezed Sergei's hand.

„So-” he started, making a wide gesture with his hand, showing the city spread in front of them „- how do you like it?”

„You know I love it, Javi.” Sergei said, a small smile still on his lips.

„Good to heart that.” Javi said, moving closer and wrapping one arm around Sergei's waist, resting his head on his shoulder „Can you imagine yourself living in here?” he asked, quietly, and Sergei inhaled deeply, one hand coming to rest on Javi's nape.

„I can imagine everything, now.” he whispered back and Javi closed his eyes, his heart beating fast in his chest.

„Look at us, we're so romantic.” Javi said and Sergei chuckled, happier that time, his fingertips brushing skin on Javi's neck.

„Let's be honest, I'm doing the most of romantic job.”

„Hey!” Javi exclaimed, pretending to be offended „How dare you?”

Sergei laughed, but before he could say anything back, the door cracked open and Laura sticked her head to the balcony, her eyes narrowed.

„Okay, lovebirds, I know that you're having a moment, but mom is starting to freak out that you're going to get pneumonia, so save her nerves and go inside?”

„You're not my sister anymore.” Javi said and she rolled her eyes.

„So dramatic. Now get your ass inside.” she ordered and Javi sighed theatrically while Sergei just laughed, following Laura inside.

„Okay?” Javi's mom asked, looking at them tentatively, and Javi smiled at her; she was trying really hard to get some grasp on English, so she could communicate with Sergei a bit better, and her efforts were pretty adorable.

„They're fine, just too busy smooching.” Laura announced before grabbing Javi's sleeve and dragging him to help her with cleaning up a table a bit „You good, guys?” she asked quietly „You look worried, behind your stupid grin.”

Javi hesitated, for a moment considering telling her everything, but then decided against it.

„Everything's fine.” he said, glancing towards Sergei who was now talking with their mom „Nothing that can't get better.”

 

 

„You're still upset.” Javi murmured and Sergei sighed, moving closer and adjusting a pillow so he could look at Javi from up close.

„I am.” he said quietly, reaching to caress Javi's cheek „But I'll be fine.”

It was 4am and they were lying in Javi's bed, and they still could hear some distant laughs and chatter coming from the living room, but Javi still had a feeling that they were in some different world that was only theirs, and only now.

„I wish I could do something.” Javi sighed, placing his hand over Sergei's heart, fingers tangling loosely in the fabric of his t-shirt „Or say something, to make you feel better. You always know what to say when I'm upset, but I just-”

„You're perfect, Javi.” Sergei said, smiling gently „This is something that you can't fix, but I'll be okay. It all will turn out good soon.”

„I know.” Javi muttered, more hopeful than sure, and leaned in for a brief, sweet kiss „Thank you for flying in here for these few days.”

„Of course.” Sergei said quietly, his hand moving to the back of Javi's head, pulling him closer „But next time I'm making you come to Moscow, my mom cries that she wants to see you.”

„Fine, I can come over.” Javi agreed in between kisses „Only because I miss your mom.”

„Damn, that was brutal.” Sergei chuckled, kissing him one more time before drawing back and exhaling deeply, his eyelids fluttering, and Javi's heart clenched.

„Sleep.” he said, leaning in again and pressing a kiss to Sergei's forehead „You need your beauty sleep.”

„Could the world survive if I became even more handsome?” Sergei mumbled sleepily, eyes closing, and Javi chuckled, moving even closer, so now their foreheads were pressed together.

„I wouldn't, that for sure.”

Sergei chuckled quietly, the sound muffled, and a moment later he was sleeping, his regular breathing warm against Javi's lips.

„I'm so sorry.” Javi whispered, fighting the urge to touch Sergei's face „I wish I could do something.”

It felt so unfair, that Sergei had to face something like that, his own family distancing themselves from him because of who he was in love with.

„I hope I'm worth it.” Javi said, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper, his eyes closing.

„You are.” Sergei muttered and Javi gaped.

„You cheater, you pretended to be asleep!”

„I was waiting for romantic gestures.” Sergei mumbled, taking Javi's hand and tucking it against his chest „That was pretty good one.”

„I was trying real hard.” Javi chuckled, their lips brushing against each other „Don't expect another one till Euros.”

Javi was expecting some witty response, but that time Sergei fell asleep for real, and Javi's heart melted.

He had never thought that it would be so easy, to love someone, and that at the age of 21 he would already have someone he wanted to spend his life with.

Yeah. Who would have thought.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally left 2012 praise the Lord, now we've like 7 years more to go hah what have I done


	26. be it for reason, be it for love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some bonding time before leaving for Europeans!

Toronto was cold and snowy when Javi came back from Spain, but he had to admit that he had been kind of missing freezing air tickling his nose and snowflakes being thrown in his face. There was something about Toronto that was making Javi feel good there, so much better than in Moscow and maybe half as good as in Madrid, which was a pretty decent result. Well, he had his good memories from Hackensack too, but they weren't really connected with weather or training per se.

He got to the rink motivated to train, and his mood couldn't be brought down even by a very gloomy Yuzuru, who barely looked at him and didn't even answer his greetings.

„What's going on with him?” he asked Brian while tying his skates, and Brian sighed deeply.

„He won his nationals-” he started and Javi raised his eyebrows.

„Really? I need to congratulate him then!”

„Yeah, about that-” Brian cleared his throat „Maybe don't.”

„Why?” Javi asked with confusion and his coach sighed again.

„Let's say that the atmosphere wasn't the greatest. Just- he's a bit upset.”

Javi was still confused beyond belief, but Brian clearly didn't have anything more to add, so he decided to look at Yuzuru, who was skating around with fast, angry movements, his expression set in stone.

At first he wanted to follow Brian's advice and maybe not bother his teammate, but Javi wasn't exactly designed to be silent.

„What's up?” he asked cheerfully when they were both changing in the locker room after training, hoping that maybe all that excercise had made Yuzuru to sweat out all that negative feelings.

Well, he was wrong, apparently.

Yuzuru looked at him, his eyes stormy.

„Fine.” he grumbled, tugging at the zipper of his bag rather violently „I am fine.”

His expression was dark and unwelcoming, and Javi decided to shut up.

But now, he was curious. Luckily, he had someone who could give him more information than Brian or biased comments on the Internet.

„Hey, is Daisuke in Moscow?” he asked into his phone when he was walking back home, and Sergei hummed.

„Yeah, he is, I saw him today. Why?”

„Did you, maybe, talk with him about nationals? Because apparently Yuzu won, but he's walking around looking like a storm cloud, and I'm scared to open my mouth next to him.”

„I see.” Sergei sighed „Well, you know how it is in Japan. They've their favourites, and they, umm, didn't take the result with too much happiness.”

„Oh.” Javi said, now having a pretty good idea what had happened „I see.”

„Yeah. It's bothering Dai too, I can tell. He likes the kid a lot, and it was a fair competition, you know?”

„I see.” Javi hummed „Okay, enough about other people, how are you?”

„Good. Glad to be back in a snowland, it was way too warm for me in Madrid.”

„Hey, don't insult my homeland!” Javi gasped and then chuckled softly „So, now the real answer- how are you?”

„Not bad.” Sergei sighed „But we've Christmas in two days and I'm just preparing myself for- I don't know what for, really.”

„Do you know if your grandparents told anyone?”

„I don't think so. It's not exactly something they would like people to know.” Sergei said, and Javi could almost feel his grimace „But you don't worry about it, okay?”

„How could I not worry? It's our job, to worry about each other.”

„Damn, I can't argue with that much wisdom.” Sergei chuckled and then yawned „Okay, baby, it's my bedtime now in here.”

„You live in the worst timezone.”

„You mean the best timezone.”

„Whatever.” Javi rolled his eyes and then smiled to himself, gently „Take care of yourself. And... let me know, okay?”

„Okay.” Sergei breathed out „I'll be fine, you know?” he said and Javi's heart clenched.

„I know.”

 

„Hi!” Javi exclaimed cheerfully while walking into the locker room, and Yuzuru looked at him gloomily, nodding slightly in his direction. He looked like had a great plan to keep on ignoring Javi the best he could, but Javi wasn't going to have any of it.

„Could you wait for a second?” he asked, noticing Yuzuru heading to the door. The boy stopped hesitantly, looking at Javi with distance in his eyes.

Well, Javi and distance weren't great friends.

Yuzuru yelped when Javi took his face in his hands, his eyes going wide, and he was clearly too stunned to do anything about it. Javi grinned and then pulled him into a hug, Yuzuru's head resting now on his shoulders.

„You're awesome, you know?” he said and Yuzuru inhaled sharply „You're pain in the ass, sometimes, but you're awesome.”

Nothing happened, for a moment, and Javi started wondering if his training mate was even breathing at that point, but then Yuzuru's shoulders started shaking, a and a second later Javi realized that he was crying.

„Hey.” Javi muttered, a bit confused „I'm sorry, I didn't want to-” he started, but Yuzuru only started to cry even louder, and Javi blinked rapidly, until it caught up to him.

„It's okay.” he said, rubbing Yuzuru's back soothingly „It's okay.”

Yuzuru calmed down after few minutes and he pulled back, wiping his face furiously, his cheeks red.

„Sorry.” he mumbed and Javi smiled.

„I'm sorry, for making you cry.”

„No, no.” Yuzuru shook his head quickly „Javi not sorry, Javi-” he hesitated for a second, his brow furrowed as he was clearly trying to think about a proper word „- awesome. Javi awesome too.”

„You're damn right, we're both awesome.” Javi said „Now let's go and check if you finally can land that quad sal better than me.” he added with a cheeky smile and Yuzuru gaped before grinning back.

 

* * *

 

Javi was sitting on his sofa, clicking through the channels and enjoyinh free afternoon, when his phone rang, startling him a little bit. His slight curosity turned who could that be turned into a concern when he saw Sergei's name and he calculated the time.

„Hey, shouldn't you be sleeping?” Javi asked, gently „It's like 2am at your place.”

„It is.” Sergei said, his voice muffled, and Javi's heart clenched as he realized what it was probably about.

„How was Christmas?” he asked softly and Sergei inhaled sharply.

„Weird. Not too great.” he said and then fell into silence for a moment, and Javi let him, his heart speeding up a little, its rhythm a bit anxious.

„Most of the family still has no idea, and it was so uncomfortable.” Sergei said finally „My cousins and aunts could feel that something was off, but grandma was so moody they were scared to approach her and ask what was going on. And I kept my mouth shut, obviously.” he chuckled humorlessly.

„You tried talking with them?” Javi asked carefully, thinking about other members of Sergei's family who knew.

„They don't really want to talk to me about it.” Sergei said, his voice quiet and sad „Or talk to me at all.”

„I'm so sorry.” Javi said, his voice rough, so he had to clear his throat. He wished he could say something more, anything to make Sergei feel better about it, but he knew that in that case there was nothing he could really do.

„It's okay.”

„That's a lie.” Javi said softly and Sergei exhaled deeply.

„Yeah, it is.” he sighed „It's just... they don't hate me. But they- they just don't understand. And they don't know how to deal with it.”

„Well it's not an excuse to treat you like that.”

„I know, I know.” Sergei muttered „I guess I just... need to give them time.”

Javi didn't say anything, just hummed quietly, wishing he could be more helpful. But there was nothing he could do from there, and he could only hope that his family would get a grip and start acting decently.

It was almost not understandable for Javi, how Sergei wasn't blaming him family, trying to see their point of view, but Javi couldn't really do that. He couldn't really understand how someone could act like that, but Sergei didn't seem surprised with that approach.

„Okay, I guess it's time for me.” Sergei muttered „It's so late it's almost early.”

„You go and rest.” Javi said, smiling to himself slightly „And sleep well, okay?”

„I'll try my best.”

 

* * *

 

„Okay guys, late happy birthday to me, I guess!” Elene chuckled, putting three bottles on the table and hopping on her chair „Thank you guys for joining me in this super short and super spontaneous clebration.”

„Pleasure is ours.” Javi grinned, raising his bottle „So, late happy birthday!”

It was an early Friday afternoon and him, Elene and Cortney were sitting in a bar pretty close to the rink, planning to have beer or two. Elene and Cortney had met some months ago thanks to Javi and since then they were getting along pretty well, so Javi thought that they had a pretty nice evening ahead of them.

They talked about skating for a bit, Elene and Javi excited about the upcoming Europeans, but then of course the topic changed to his relationship. Girls were really invested in his love life, apparently, but he didn't mind that much. It was nice, to talk with someone about it from time to time.

„How are you guys doing? Still going strong? Because I totally threatened to end him.” Elene announced cheerfully and Javi rolled his eyes with a grin.

„We're good, thanks. He was in Madrid for New Year's, actually.” he said and Elene cooed at that, but Cortney narrowed her eyes at him.

„What was that face?”

„What face?”

„You just got all cloudy for a moment.” she said and Javi sighed, debating with himself whether he should tell them what had happened or not.

„Well, we've some trouble.” he said and Elene's eyes widened.

„Oh no, so I have to kick-”

„No, no.” Javi shook his head, flinching „It's, uh, about his family. Some of them know now, about, you know what, and they're not happy. To say at least.”

„Oh no.” Cortney's face fell „That's so terrible, how is he holding on?”

„Probably worse than he tells me.” Javi sighed, rubbing his face, his heart aching a bit „I just... can't get it, you know? But he acts like that kind of reaction is quite normal?”

„You know, it's the problem, kind of.” Elene said slowly, wincing „Me and him, we're coming from a part of the world where it's still not... usual?” she cringed a little and then sighed „You know, they were probably raised in a belief that it was something wrong. Or something they shouldn't talk about. I know it's hard, and that it sucks, but maybe they just need some time.”

„Yeah, I know.” Javi sighed and Cortney patted his shoulder reassuringly.

„I'm sure it's all gonna be okay.” she said with sympathy and he gave her a small smile.

„I hope.” he sighed and his slightly miserable tone apparently inspired Elene to light up the mood.

„I need to confess that I used to have crush on your boyfriend.” she blurted out and Javi blinked rapidly.

„Excuse me?”

„It was a lifetime ago, I was like... fourteen.” Elene stressed out and Javi gaped.

„Well, so that makes me the only one who never had a thing for him, right?” Cortney chuckled and Elene grinned, taking out her phone.

„Let me google some pics from like, 2006, you'll understand why teenage me was-”

„Oh my god, I can't believe this.” Javi groaned, covering his eyes while the girls started giggling over the phone. It was pretty amusing, and also kind of flattering, in a way.

„Okay, now I see why Javi couldn't last longer than three weeks without jumping him.” Cortney chuckled and Javi gaped, while Elene made a screeching sound.

„Wait, I haven't heard that part!”

„Oh you haven't heard the epic story how Javi-”

„Stooop!” Javi whined, embrassed but also amused „Don't remind me of those dark times of sexual frustration.”

„I'm only doing that because I'm jealous, obviously.” Cortney said and Elene nodded vigurosuly.

„Yeah, you guys are the cutest. And I really only saw you together once, and I can tell.”

„They are. I'm looking at them and I'm convinced I'll die alone.” Cortney whined and Javi chuckled.

„Now you're being dramatic.”

„Nope, you just set standards real high.” Elene said before stretching in her chair and grinning „So, who's up for another round.”

„Count me in.”

„Sure, one more beer and Javi will start spilling spicy details-”

„Oh my god, why am I friends with you?”

„Because you love us?”

„Yeah, obviously.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Europeans, some unexpected meetings and kinda serious talks.


	27. through the highs and the lows, we'll be always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of medals and talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm shamelessly stealing chapter titles from my fave songs, if you're ever interested in titles let me know hah

Javi was stressed.

Brian was stressed too, but he was doing the best job to look positive.

„Well, that's some slight disadvantage, but you just try to keep focused, okay?”

„Okay.” Javi nodded, handing him his guards and stepping on the ice.

Europeans were a rollercoaster so far, mostly thanks to his lost skates. But luckily, after a lot of stressing out, his skates were on his feet and he was feeling kind of confident. That was going to be his time.

Sergei was on the ice too, but Javi didn't look in his direction, and he knew that Sergei wasn't looking at him either. They were masters of ignoring each other at competitions, now; they would smile at each other, talk a little in the locker room or a corridor, but it was serious now, and they would have time for themselves in just a few short days. Now, it was time to channel all their energy and what they had inside them to the ice. That was what they always did, and that was what they were going to do now.

 

 

Two days later Javi was feeling pretty hyped, and he could barely focus on his breakfast. He was feeling good, surrounded by the whole team Spain, and he could feel excitement buzzing in his veins. He was in a good position, distance to Florent seemingly easy to conquer. Maybe he could do it, that time.

„Someone's trying to steal your attention.” Sonia said, nudging him a little, and he raised his eyes to look over Sara's head, and saw Max waving at him, grinning cheerfully. Javi waved back, smiling, and his heart fluttered just a bit when he spotted Sergei sitting close to Max, and he had to force himself to tear his eyes away. Just a few hours and all the intensity would be over, and hopefully with some great results.

 

* * *

 

Javi blinked rapidly, because it didn't feel real. It didn't feel real at all.

There was a ribbon around his neck, flowers in his hands, and Spanish anthem filling the arena and ringing in his ears.

He won, he won, he won, he was European champion now.

It felt like he wasn't exactly in his body, when they all stepped off the podium and started posing for photos, and it only started kicking in when he skated over to his parents, and in his mom's arms he finally realized that it was reality.

He had done it, for them and for himself, and maybe even for the whole Spain, if they would like to.

Soon staff dragged him, Florent and Michal to the press conference, and he wasn't aware of half the stuff he was saying, his tongue twisting and accent harder to contain than usual, but he couldn't stop happiness from bubbling in his chest, filling every single cell of his body.

So, it was real, somehow.

After conference and other press responsibilities they finally were free to go back to the locker room, to change and shower, and Javi welcomed the hot stream of water with a pleasant sigh. All the adrenaline finally started dropping and he could really feel how exhausted he was. But he had all the right to be, after that kind of crazy program and then all the media responsibilities.

He turned the water off and he realized that he was the only one left in the showers, Flo and Michal already in the locker room apparently, as he could hear some distant voices coming from there.

He really wasn't prepared to see Sergei, sitting on a bench and chatting with Michal carelessly, and his heart did a perfect quad sal as he stopped for a second at the door, gaping.

Sergei noticed him after a second or two, and he smiled, wide and gentle.

„Hi.” he said softly and Michal turned to look at Javi, grinning.

„Don't worry, Florent just left in rush, and I can totally go over there-” he pointed at the most far away corner of the room „- so you can smooch if you want.”

„Wow, you're our hero.” Javi managed to say and Michal snorted.

„I'm in a good mood, I broke the curse!” he exclaimed, grabbing his stuff „Okay, now you can start pretending I'm not here.”

That was exactly what they did.

„Hi.” Sergei breathed out, taking Javi's face in his hands and kissing him, gentle and deep „I'm so, so proud of you.” he said when they pulled apart, his fingers brushing Javi's hair and then moving to caress his cheek „You were amazing.”

„Thank you.” Javi said quietly, feeling incredibly warm „And how are you?” he asked and Sergei shrugged.

„I'm fine. I mean, I ended in top ten, that counts for something.” he said, trying to sound positive, bur Javi could tell that he was a little bit disappointed, a shadow creeping in the corners of his eyes.

He didn't know what to say, even now, even after so many years already, because he was still so incredibly happy, but there was also just a small pinch of sadness in all of that. So he just leaned forward and pressed their lips together in a brief, sweet kiss, and he could feel how Sergei relaxed a little.

„Okay.” Sergei muttered, his hand resting on the back of Javi's neck, steady and warm „Save some time for me after gala tomorrow?”

„What?” Javi blinked in surprise, confused why Sergei was talking about the next day, and got a small smile in return.

„I saw your family in the stands.” he said, one hand squeezing Javi's waist gently „You probably want to celebrate with them, and with the whole team. They all looked extatic.”

„Well, yeah-” Javi trailed off, suddenly realizing that he had promised Sonia to watch her free and that he would have to get going soon, and well, Laura and Adria had been talking about some celebration too „But you can join, if you want to!”

„Maybe next time.” Sergei said softly „I promised Max to hang out with him tonight, and also, my mom is here, so-”

„Really?” Javi smiled widely „That's awesome!”

„It is.” Sergei smiled, and finally he looked fully happy „So, you're heading to watch girls skating? I can wait for you and we could go together.” he said, his eyes sparkling, and Javi's heart fluttered.

„Yeah, I wanna cheer for Sonia and Elene.” he said and then tilted his head, smiling playfully „Are you asking me on a date?”

„I mean, yeah. We're gonna stare at pretty girls and all of that.” Sergei deadpanned and Javi snorted.

„Give me like three minutes and I'm ready.”

 

* * *

 

The gala was a blast, and Javi was having time of his life, basking in the atmosphere and knowledge that he was a winner. First medal, and it was gold. He wondered if he would be able to defend it next year.

After gala his friends from Spanish team wanted to drag him to the city for another round of celebrating, but he just grinned and tilted his head a little.

„I'm sorry, guys, but I need to catch that early plane tomorrow and look kinda alive.”

„Oh yes, our star will have so much press responsibilities.” Raya mocked him friendly and Javi rolled his eyes. It was true that he was supposed to look alive the next day, but he had a feeling that he wouldn't get too much sleep that night anyway.

„Go, go.” Sonia said, patting his shoulder, and there was something in her gaze that made Javi stop for a moment, but then decided not to read too much into it. He had kind of more important things to occupy his mind.

They had agreed to meet at the reception of their hotel, but when Javi got there he still had half an hour, and he wondered whwther he should go to his room or stick around, when he felt soft hand touching his shoulder.

„Hello, Javi.” Sergei's mom smiled at him, her eyes warm, and he grinned at her.

„Hi!” he exclaimed, bringing his best Russian game „I was wondering if I would be able to see you.”

„I was just talking with Sergei about how we're getting home tomorrow.” she explained with a smile and then her smile turned a bit smug „He basically kicked me out becasue he said you guys have a date tonight.”

„Umm, well, yes.” Javi nodded sheepishly, feeling slightly embarassed, but he was already used to her blunt comments.

„I'm happy you'll spend some time together.” she said „But maybe you'd like to sit with me and talk for maybe ten minutes? I haven't seen you in such a long time.”

„Yeah, of course.” he agreed quickly and they sat on two chairs standing nearby.

„I'm really proud of you, Javi. Your both skates were beautiful.”

„Thank you so much.” Javi said, feeling warm at the compliment „It feels so good.”

„You deserved it.” she said, smiling gently, but then her smile dimmed a little „Javi, I don't want to bring your mood down, but I just need to ask you something.”

„Sure.”

She hesitated for a moment but then she seemed to make a decision.

„Did he tell you about our... family situation?”

„He did.” Javi said, his heart feeling a bit heavier.

„I see.” she said quietly „I'm sorry, sweetheart, I shouldn't have-”

„No, no.” Javi said quickly „Whatever you want to tell me, I'll listen.”

She smiled again, small, warm smile that could light up the entire place. Javi could see in her eyes that she was thinking about how to start, and he waited patiently, his heartbeat steadying.

„He was sixteen when he told me.” she said, sighing quietly „And I had never been more scared before.”

She stopped talking for a moment, her face clouded, and Javi waited for her patiently, his heart beating a bit faster.

„You probably can't wrap your mind around it, how they can act like that, and why Sergei's not surprised.” she said finally and well, she was right „But you need to understand that Russia is not like Spain, and not like Canada. We- when I was growing up, it wasn't a topic that we would be talking about. And if someone mentioned it, it was always negative, something that... shouldn't exist, even. I was raised in the world that was one dimensional in this case, and there was a certain way I was taught to view people like that. And then, he came to me and told me _mom, I think I like boys too._ Just like that.” she shook hear head, a small smile appearing on her lips „I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged him, but inside, I was so conflicted, Javi. I never showed it in front of him, but it was hard, the first week or two. I just-” she stopped for a second, her eyes going a little bit foggy, and Javi had to swallow hard, his throat suddenly dry. He hadn't expected to have a talk like that with Sergei's mom, the topic so difficult and sensitive, but he was also grateful that she was willing to share such personal story with him.

„You know, I get where my parents are coming from, and I hate they way they're acting, but I know what's going on in their heads.” she sighed, but then her expression turned firm „I love them, and I'm willing to give them their time to get themselves together. But he's my boy, and if they don't accept him, then we're done.”

Her eyes were shining and it was really the first time Javi saw her so fierce, her usually gentle expression stormy and determined. But then her face softened and she shook her head a little, a smile coming back on her lips.

„I'm sorry, sweetheart, I didn't want to throw all of that at you.”

„No, no, it's okay.” Javi hurried to say „I'm actually, umm, grateful, that you told me that. Really.” he hesitated for a second „In the beggining, I think I didn't really realize how much harder it would be for him than for me.”

„That's the biggest part of the reason why I was so scared, why I still am. It's... not easy, and it puts you in a vulnerable position, in front of everyone.” she shook her head, smiling at him with fondness „You know that he never had a boyfriend before you, right? Only girlfriends, and I thought that maybe he would find one he could fall in love with. And then you came over for dinner, and I knew.”

„We were that obvious?” Javi chuckled, noticing with surprise that his eyes were feeling a little bit wet, so he blinked rapidly to scare any possibility of crying away.

„Well he was, he can't really pretend in front of me.” she said with a quiet chuckle „You, on the other hand, were a bit of a mystery.”

„Really? Sergei says I'm pretty easy to read.”

„Maybe to him.” she said with a twinkle in her eyes „I think that people get fooled a lot by that smile of yours, so they think they know what you're all about.” she added and then tilted her head a little „I liked you since the beginning, but I have to say, I didn't fully trust you.”

„Oh?” Javi gasped rather dumbly and she made a face at him.

„Don't get me wrong, sweetheart, I instantly knew that you were a good boy, kind and charming. I was just a little bit... unsure. If you were as serious about him as he was about you.”

Javi opened his mouth and then closed it, not really sure what to say. He guessed it was the truth, to some extent, but he couldn't help but feel a little bit embarassed now. It was Sergei's mom, in the end.

„I was going through some stuff then.” he mumbled unconvincingly and her gaze softened.

„I figured. There was some sadness, behind that smile.” she said, smiling „I'm glad to see that it is gone.”

„Yeah.” Javi said, clearing his throat „I figured it out. It took me some time, but I did.”

„Good.” she nodded „I have to tell you, I always knew that you were good for each other. I could just tell, by the way you act around each other.”

„My mom says the same.” Javi chuckled and she grinned.

„We always know best.” she said and Javi couldn't argue with that; then, her gaze became a little bit more serious, curious, even „Could you tell, though, when it happened, for you?”

„It's a very good question. I like to ask it myself.” Javi said with a smile, shaking his head „I don't know, really, when it started. But I think I realized it when he got injured in China. It was like... something snapped, in here.” he said, touching his temple „Because in here, I feel like I already knew.” he added, patting his chest with a bashful smile, and she cooed.

„You're truly adorable.” she said and then made a face „Okay, I think I stopped you long enough. I'm going before he sees me and thinks we're plotting something behind his back.” she chuckled and touched Javi's cheek briefly, her eyes fond „Take care of yourself, Javi.”

„I will.” he said, smiling „Thank you so much for the talk.”

„I should be one thanking you.” she said, but before he could ask what she ment, she stood up and walked away, giving him one more smile.

Javi stood there for a moment, wondering, his mind full of thoughts; and then he could feel how someone stopped right behind him, and he smiled to himself.

„Why are you looking at the door like that?” Sergei asked and Javi chuckled, not turning around yet.

„I'm waiting for my date.”

„Oh no, so I'm late?”

„It's never too late.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: boys are enjoying each other *wink*


	28. your heart is my home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most filler chapter I've ever written but I still hope you enjoy!

„I should ask you out on a proper date.” Javi mumbled and Sergei chuckled, kissing him again.

„What do you mean by proper?” he asked, putting his hand on the small of Javi's back, pulling him closer and drawing a quiet gasp out of him.

„Like, we could go out or something.” Javi said, wrapping his arms around Sergei's shoulders „I've a feeling we're usually just hide in a hotel room.”

„We do. And we have a lot of sex. Fine by me.” Sergei said and Javi punched his shoulder lightly „What? I'm a simple man.”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed, kissing him once more before drawing back a little, grinning „Hi.” he said, cupping Sergei's cheek, his thumb caressing warm skin.

„Hello.” Sergei smiled, taking Javi's hand and kissing it gently, making his heart stutter with that gesture „How are you?”

„I'm good. Also, I already packed almost everything, so I won't be running around like a headless chicken in the morning.”

„This is the most accurate description I've ever heard.”

„Yeah, I can't argue with that.”

„You're hopeless.”

„But charming, right?” Javi asked, raising his eyebrows and Sergei laughed shortly.

„Yep, I need to admit that.” he said, poking Javi's nose „Especially in these glasses.”

„I hope it's not irony I'm hearing in your voice.”

„Nope.” Sergei grinned, bringing his hands to Javi's face and gently taking his glasses off „They're in my way now, though, so I need to get rid of them.”

Getting rid of glasses was kinda very crucial for proceeding in making out, which was still a bit difficult because they kept on grinning like happy idiots they apparently were.

„Oh my god, I give up.” Sergei groaned, his voice filled with amusement, and Javi giggled, gluing himself to Sergei's side and putting his head on his shoulder, watching him.

„You're staring at me.” Sergei said after a moment, turning his head to look at Javi, their faces so close their noses were almost brushing.

„I don't know when I'll see you again, I need to stare for all the upcoming weeks.” Javi said and Sergei's smile softened, his fingers coming to brush Javi's hair.

„I'm 95% sure I'm not going to worlds.” he said and Javi nodded, biting his lip.

„Your federation is stupid.” he stated and Sergei chuckled.

„They just don't believe in me the way you do, or the way my mom does.”

„Because they're stupid.”

„You really hate my federation, don't you?”

„Because-”

„Okay, okay, get it.” Sergei chuckled, leaning in to kiss him briefly, and Javi sighed happily against his lips, warm and comfortable. But when they pulled back Javi noticed that Sergei's smile was a bit dimmed, his expression thoughtful.

„What's that?” Javi asked and Sergei looked at him for a moment, and there was something in his eyes that made Javi's stomach clench anxiously.

„I think that maybe I should retire.” Sergei said quietly and Javi's whole body tensed.

„What?” he asked, raising on his elbow to look at Sergei's face „Why would you say that?”

„I just-” Sergei sighed, and he put his arm under his head, looking at the ceiling now and averting Javi's gaze „I just thought that maybe I should quit skating.”

„But you don't want that.”

„I don't.” Sergei said, looking at Javi again, almost smiling „But Javi, I'm- I'll be twenty- six this year. If there was any chance for me to achive something, it's long gone.”

„Don't say that.” Javi said quietly, his heart speeding up weirdly „How can you think like that?”

„I-”

„No.” Javi said firmly, his fingers coming to touch Sergei's lips „No.” he repeated, softer, and Sergei blinked at him, startled, and Javi's chest felt both warm and almost painfully tight.

„You can't quit yet” Javi said, smiling gently „You love skating more than you love me, and that says something.”

Sergei's whole body tensed and his lips parted as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he just stared at Javi, his eyes wide, and Javi's heart clenched. He leaned down to press his lips against Sergei's kissing him slowly and deeply. Sergei kissed him back, a bit hesitantly at first, but after a moment he relaxed a bit, his hand coming to rest on the back of Javi's neck.

Javi smiled when they broke the kiss, but Sergei looked uncertain, his fingers drawing circles on Javi's neck.

„What is this expression?” Javi asked softly and Sergei swallowed visibly before speaking again.

„Do you really think I love skating more than you?” he asked, his voice quiet, and Javi sighed, moving closer to brush their noses together.

„Maybe not more. But different.”

It wasn't exactly right, to say that they loved the sport more than they loved each other. But it wasn't only about Sergei, it was also about Javi, and how they both weren't ready to let go of anything right now. They both needed skating, and they both needed each other to keep going, and if they lost any of that, they wouldn't be able to be happy, not now.

It was okay. It was how it had to be, for now.

Javi knew he didn't have to explain it all to Sergei, because he knew all of that, deep in his heart, just like Javi did.

„Next year.” Javi said, kissing Sergei's cheek and then looking at him again, his smile wider than before „Next year we're both going to make it to the podium. Maybe even to the olympics.”

Sergei looked at him for a moment and then, finally, he smiled, soft and a little bit wet.

„You're amazing.” he said, his hands coming to Javi's face „I love you so much, you know/”

„I do, actually.” Javi grinned „You never let me forget.”

„Wow.” Sergei chuckled „Look at us, we're so romantic.”

„Duh.” Javi said, rolling his eyes „So-” he started, shifting a bit so now he was straddling Sergei's hips „Can we have sex now?”

„Damn, straight to the point.” Sergei said, grinning „Also, don't you have a plane at some ungodly hour?”

„I do.” Javi confirmed with a pout „And then I'll have some terrifying press stuff.”

„That's a price of being famous.”

„Sure. In Spain there's like, twenty people interested in my skating, and they're all my family.”

„Can I say that Spain is stupid?”

„Don't you dare.”

„Oh I see how it works, you can insult my federation but I can't insult your country?”

„This is exactly how it works.” Javi nodded, leaning down „Now shut up.”

Sergei laughed at that, but the sound was muffled by Javi's lips.

It was comfortable as always, their bodies never forgetting how to move against each other, hands craving the touch, greedy after weeks or months of being apart.

„We need to talk about something very serious.” Javi muttered against Sergei's collarbone as he was tugging at his shirt „And I mean your fashion sense.”

„I've no idea what you mean.” Sergei said, tugging at Javi's hair and bringing their lips together. Javi chuckled and then quickly got rid of that offensive piece of clothing „Fine. I'll let it slide that one time.”

It was almost hard to believe, in the moments like that, that it had been about three years, and Javi couldn't tell if it felt like longer or shorter, but it felt right, and it didn't feel fragile, not anymore. Javi was more sure now, than he had been in the beggining; he had more trust in what was between them, and he had more trust in himself. He still had moment when anxiety and doubts was eatking him alive, but not about that. He had learned that if there was one thing he should believe in, it was love.

„Ow.” Sergei smiled, sliding his hand down Javi's naked chest and gently placing it over a fading bruise staining his ribs.

„Practice before short.” Javi chuckled and Sergei nodded.

„Yeah, I saw-”

„Baby, I love your concern, but I'm trying to have sex with you in here.” Javi said and Sergei grinned at him smugly.

„Really? I haven't noticed.”

„Oh you'll regret you said that.” Javi promised, smiling devilishly.

Minutes later, Sergei really did come to regret that.

„Okay, okay.” he breathed out, his hands gripping Javi's hips tightly „I take it back.”

„Too late now.” Javi said and then gasped quietly as the sparks of pleasure ran up and down his spine.

„You're killing me.” Sergei whined and Javi could see how much he wanted to move, maybe take control, but instead he just let Javi on that little torture, his breathing coming out rapid and shallow.

Javi leaned down to kiss him, sloppy and warm, and his muscles started trembling, his skin feeling hot.

„Oh. Uhmm.” Javi whined quietly, rolling his hips, and Sergei chuckled breathlessly, his fingers curling in Javi's hair and tugging lightly.

„You need some help?” he asked, other hand sliding to the small of Javi's back and pressing there, making him shudder.

„Mhh.” Javi mumbled, thinking dizzily that maybe he had miscalculated his abilities and in the end he ended up torturing himself too.

„Got it.” Sergei whispered, wrapping his arms around Javi and rolling them over, not breaking the contact, and Javi gasped quietly, his back arching at the new angle.

It didn't take long since then, their bodies moving faster, with practiced ease, and the whole world seemed to disappear, as if there was nothing but them and the pleasure they shared, climbing higher and higher until the very end.

 

Sergei's chest was the most comfortable pillow Javi had ever had.

„Are you asleep?” Sergei muttered, fingers carding through Javi's hair.

„Mhh.” Javi hummed sleepily and Sergei chuckled.

„Get some rest.” he said, his voice filled with fondness, and somehow his warm tone made Javi snap out of his sleepy haze.

„I don't want to.” he decided, shifting so now his head was resting on the actual pillow and he could look at Sergei, who made a face at him.

„You need to get up in like, five hours.”

„I can sleep on the plane.”

„Javi-” Sergei started sternly and Javi pouted.

„I don't know when I'll see you again.” he said, a bit whiny, and Sergei's expression softened.

„It won't be too long.” he said, caressing Javi's cheek.

He didn't make any promises, didn't give any specific date, and Javi understood that, and he was grateful for that. They were both used to that by now, and they knew how it worked, and somehow it was still enough.

So Javi just smiled in return and decided that those five hours had to be enough again. It was always so tricky to fit everything they wanted in those few rare moment they had for each other during the season.

Now, for example, Javi was in a pretty sappy mood. Mayeb because he had just won a freaking gold medal, or maybe just because he had only a few more short hours he could spend with someone he loved.

„Sergei.” Javi started and Sergei hummed quietly, looking at him with a smile „Why do you love me?”

„Really?” Sergei asked, his expression unimpressed „What kind of question is that?”

„The one to help me boost my self- esteem.” Javi stated and Sergei sighed.

„Do I really need a reason?” he asked quietly, touching Javi's cheek and then slowly tracing his skin until he rested his hand on Javi's hip.

„Yes.”

„You're insufferable.”

„That's your reason?” Javi asked and Sergei sighed again, smiling, and he gently pulled Javi closer.

„I was never in love, before you.” he said, warm, and Javi's heart stuttered „Maybe I love you just because with you I know how?”

„Wow.” Javi managed to say through his clenched throat, his heartbeat strong and quick „You're a poet.”

„Oh so first you're asking me serious questions and then laugh at my very poetic answers? Not cool, Javi, not cool.” Sergei said with a very fake disapproval, but his expression was gentle „So now it's your turn to answer that question.”

„I'll tell you next time I see you.”

„Well that's not fair.” Sergei said, but his expression was fond „But I guess I have no other choice but to wait, right?”

„You're very right.” Javi said and then yawned shortly, making Sergei laugh.

„Go to sleep, you hopeless boy.”

„No.” Javi muttered, his eyes closing.

„Yes.”

„Nope.” Javi mumbled sleepily, felling warm lips pressing against his forehead, and a moment later he drifted away to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I was updating this fic pretty fast, but school is knocking at my door rather urgently, so I'll have to slow down a bit, but I'll try to update 1-2 times a week! Thank you so much for sticking with this story, it means a lot!


	29. they make me think of you

„Good one, Javi!” Brian clapped, clearly delighted „You can start- YUZURU WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUAD SAL?!”

Yuzuru glanced at him and Brian gave him an equally stern look.

„What did I say?” he repeated and Yuzuru clamped his mouth shut.

„You said that no more jumping quads today.” Javi offered and both of them gave them unimpressed looks „Okay, okay, I'm not talking anymore.” he raised his hands and started skating around to cool off.

He was working pretty hard these days, success at Europeans fueling him and making him work even better. His federation was thrilled and he had gotten some small piece of recognition. Nothing too spectacular, but it was nice.

So, trainings were good. Sometimes interesting too, when Yuzuru pretended he didn't understand what Brian was saying, or maybe he really didn't understand. Right now, he seemed pretty grumpy, skating around on the other side of the rink and clearly deep in thought.

„You good, amigo?” Javi asked when they met in the locker room after practice, and Yuzuru scrunched his nose.

„Amigo?”

„It means friend in Spanish.” Javi explained, toweling his wet hair „So, you good?”

„Good.” Yuzuru nodded „I want to do good.”

„You will.” Javi said and Yuzuru's expression turned thoughtful.

„Javi-” he started slowly „- are we friends?”

„Do you want to be friends?”

„I think yes.” Yuzuru said and Javi smiled.

„It's settled then.” he said and Yuzuru tilted his head a little.

„Can talk?” he asked, looking uncertain, and Javi felt a little bit surprised.

„You want to go somewhere and talk?” he asked and Yuzuru nodded vigurously.

It was surprising, because they hadn't done anything like that in those months they spent together. Yuzuru wasn't really one to do any bonding, clearly content with sticking to hugs and keeping slight distance otherwise. But apparently that was changing now.

„Okay. Hungry?” he asked and Yuzuru shook his head sheepishly „Well I am starving, so can we go somewhere where you can watch me eat?”

Yuzuru looked a bit confused by that sentence, but he smiled and nodded.

„Just text my mom. That I am later.”

„Sure thing.”

 

„What is this?” Yuzuru asked curiosuly, staring at Javi's plate with interest.

„Just some pasta. It's good, you want some?”

Yuzuru scrunched his nose, looking at him oddly.

„Is your food.”

„Oh come on.” Javi shook his head with amused smile and handed Yuzuru one fork „We can share, as long as you don't it more than me.” he added and Yuzuru hesitated for a moment before taking the fork and then taking a slow bite.

„Hm.” he hummed „Nice.”

„Well I'm glad we agree.” Javi grinned „So, what do you wanted to talk about?”

Yuzuru stared at him for a moment, as if he was making a decision.

„I don't have much friends.” he said finally „Not much- I don't talk too much.”

„Yeah, I noticed.” Javi chuckled „But you really can talk to me, if you want to.”

„It's hard.”

„Talking?”

„To be here.” Yuzuru said, looking serious „In Canada.”

„You miss home?” Javi asked softly and Yuzuru nodded „Me too.”

„Miss people too.” Yuzuru said „But with mom is okay.”

„I wish I had my mom with me too.” Javi sighed, feeling a bit nostalgic. He had been home for few short days after Europeans, and he charged his batteries, but he was missing home and his family already.

„But you have friends.” Yuzuru said „Much friend. And Co- Cor-”

„Cortney.” Javi helped and Yuzuru tilted his head with interest.

„She girlfriend?” he asked curiously and Javi chuckled.

„Not mine.”

„Huh.” Yuzuru hummed „I never have girlfriend.”

„Nothing wrong with that.” Javi assured him, slightly confused with the progression of the talk, but he didn't mind. It seemed to him that Yuzuru finally wanted to just get to know each other a little, after all that time. It was nice; Yuzuru was a nice kid, and it was cool to see the more relaxed and open side of him.

„So I see you were hungry after all.” Javi chuckled and Yuzuru blinked, looking down at the plate and smiling bashfully.

„Sorry.” he said, scratching his neck „I pay.”

„Nah, forget about it.” Javi grinned „You pay next time.”

„After worlds?”

„Sounds good.”

 

 

„- and then he almost freaked out when he realized how late it was.” Javi finished the story of the day and Sergei grinned at him from the screen, the feed a bit blurry.

„Aww, it's so nice that you're getting along.”

„Yeah, it's cool. I'm not expecting too much though, I still think he's a bit weird.”

„You're weird too.”

„You're weirder.”

„How cute.” Sergei laughed „How are preparations for worlds going?”

„Good! I feel like I've everything under control. Mostly.”

„That's good.” Sergei smiled and then his expression changed a bit „We're sending Max. I'm a tiny bit concerned, to be honest.”

„Oh.” Javi frowned.

„Yeah. You know I love him to death, but- you know.”

„I know.” Javi sighed, shaking his head a little „Okay, what about you? What are you up to?”

„Plotting my divorce with Nikolai.”

„Oh he's experienced, it'll be fine.” Javi said and Sergei snorted.

„You're terrible.”

„But still charming. So, how is it going? Any candidates?”

„I thought about Mishin, but I don't really want to move to Petersburg now. I've my place in here, I'm too old for moving around and following the coach everywhere.”

„I get it.” Javi nodded, smiling gently „So, any other options?”

„I'm not sure. But I talked with Tudberidze.” Sergei announced and Javi blinked.

„With that scary lady with weird expression?”

„She's not scary.” Sergei said, rolling his eyes, but Javi knew better.

„She looks like she eats children.”

„Oh my god.” Sergei chuckled, clearly amused „You're impossible.”

„I know that too.” Javi smiled „Okay, you go train with the scary lady if you think that would be good for you.”

„We'll see.” Sergei smiled back and Javi bit his lip for a second, considering.

„How's your family?” he asked finally and Sergei's smile dimmed a little, and he sighed loudly.

„Nothing really changed. But now they're more pissed at my cousin than at me, because she got pregnant. And she's not married.”

„Oh boy.” Javi said, shaking his head „You and your family drama.” he sighed, trying to lighten up the mood a bit.

„Right? Russian style.” Sergei said, smiling again, and Javi's heart fluttered, and he probably started grinning like a madman, because Sergei narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously „What is this smile about?”

„You look handsome today.” Javi said with a grin and Sergei snorted, rolling his eyes.

„It'a almost 2am, I look like shit.”

„First, what an outrageous lie. Second, go to sleep, you're going to be dead tomorrow.”

„Today.”

„Whatever.” Javi chuckled and then smiled softly „Go to sleep. I'll call you tomorrow. Today.”

„Fine.” Sergei agreed, yawning „By the way, do you remember what I told you last time?”

„About what?”

„That I love you.”

„You're such a dork.” Javi said, grinning again „I love you too.”

„Obviously.”

 

* * *

 

Short program at worlds turned Yuzuru into a storm cloud, so Javi decided to save his life and not try to talk him out of that mood. Beside that, he wasn't too happy about his own result too. It wasn't tragic, but he had been really hoping for something slightly better. He was trying to focus on himself and upcoming program, but when he found Maxim curled in a ball in the most deserted corner of the locker room, his heart squeezed with sympathy.

„Hey there.” he said, sitting down next to his friend and touching his shoulder „You okay?”

„No.” Max sobbed, looking at him with big, teary eyes, and Javi sighed, wrapping his arm around him.

„Don't think about it.” he said gently and Max looked at him with as much sadness and disappointment that it didn't match someone so young.

„They will hate me if I end up on that place. They will really, really hate me.”

„Don't say that.” Javi said with a sight „On my first worlds, I didn't even quaify for the freee. You're doing good, Max. And I'm proud of you.”

„Well at least someone is.” Max said, still sullen, but there was a shadow of a smile in his eyes when he looked at Javi again „Thank you, Javi. You're the best.” he said, giving him a hug „Go and get that medal, since I can't.” he added and Javi chuckled.

„I'll try my best.”

And he did.

 

 

Javi was slightly drunk, and not only with happines.

It felt like a dream, a weird, twisted and super cool dream.

„That's one hell of a season you had, huh?” Alex grinned, patting his shoulder with a bit too much force, probably because of those few drinks he already had had „Big congrats, man.”

„Thanks!” Javi grinned happily „This is so weird. But so awesome.”

„What are your plans now? Going straight back to training like a good athlete?”

„Are you kidding me? I'm so going for vacation with my b-” Javi said and managed to bit his tongue in the last moment, but Alex's eyes widened and his grin could blind anyone.

„AHA!” he yelled with triumph, so loud that it made Patrick stop in the middle of his monologue and look at them with an unimpressed expression before he came back to his business. But Javi's main concern was now Alex, who was grinning widely, looking delighted.

„I knew you had someone! I knew!! I was getting slightly offended you didn't tell me, but now you have to spill! Who's that?”

„Umm.” Javi stammered, slightly panicked. Alex was one of his best friends, but Javi had never really told him anything about his love life, and he didn't think that it was the best moment „Can we maybe not discuss my relationship status right now?”

„So there is a relationship! Come on, just-”

„Did somebody say relationship?” Javi heard a familiar voice and a moment later Michal put his arm around Alex's shoulders.

„Yeah, I just wanted-” Alex started, pointing at Javi, and Michal grinned at him, his eyes twinkling.

„You wanted to ask me about the angel I'm in love with? So nice of you.” he said, making Alex blink in confusion „Here, let me grab a drink and I'm on it.” he added, basically dragging Alex away, giving Javi the biggest of smiles, and Javi made a mental note to buy him lunch.

He retreated to the Spanish table, now occupied only by Sonia, who was laughing at the dance battle going on between Adria and Alexei, while Sara was slow dancing with Paolo.

„Hey there, champion.” she smiled at him as he flopped on a chair next to her.

„Maybe next year.” Javi chuckled and she grinned.

„Yeah, I've a good feeling about it. How are you feeling?”

„Like it still didn't click, exactly.” he said with a snort, shaking his head „It's so weird, I-” he laughed to himself „I've a worlds medal.”

„You do.” Sonia said, her smile bright and soft „I'm so proud of you, Javi. We all are. It's so amazing. You were amazing.”

„Stooop, you're making me blush.” Javi said, grinning, and her smile turned sly.

„Oh so you want me to change topic? Okay.” she moved a bit closer „So, how's Sergei doing?” she asked and Javi gaped, stunned.

„Umm, why are you asking?” he asked and she chuckled.

„Come on, Javi, I'm not stupid, and not blind.” Sonia said and Javi swallowed hard, suddenly nervous.

„That's pretty bad news, if we're so obvious.” he said and Sonia shook her head.

„No, no.” she said quickly „You're not.”

„But you still noticed.”

„Well.” she chuckled shortly „To be honest I got a clue long time ago, and Sergei gave it to me.”

„Huh?”

„It was at that Universiade in Turkey.” Sonia said with a smile and Javi blinked rapidly- it had been good few years back „After everything we went out for drinks in a group and he was sitting next to me, and he was talking about you a lot. I thought it was cute, and I was happy you had some good friend in Russia. But then, I guess, I started paying attention to you guys, and I noticed some stuff.”

Sonia's smile was kind and gentle, and it prevent Javi from freaking out, but he still was feeling just a bit uneasy.

„Well-” he cleared his throat „- I hope others aren't as smart as you.”

„Don't worry, Javi. I won't tell anyone, I didn't.” she said gently „I wish you two luck. You seem- you seem happier, than before.”

„I am.” Javi admitted „But now I'm stressed, too.”

„I'm sorry.” Sonia said, her smile full of sympathy „Just be careful, okay?”

„I'm a master of careful, at this point.” Javi sighed and she looked at him for a moment before shaking her head and standing up.

„Come on.” she said, extanding her hand and he blinked at her with confusion.

„Huh?”

„We're going to dance now. And not worry.” Sonia said and Javi smiled at her, feeling warm.

„I like the sound of that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up- vacation time!


	30. there'll still be a trace of our love left behind  (in the dew upon the vine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vacation time, some teasing, some laughter, and a lot of feelings.

Javi knocked to the door frame of Brian's office and grinned apologetically when his coach looked up at him, a bit startled.

„Sorry.” he said sheepishly and Brian smiled at him.

„That's fine, you just sneaked up on me so suddenly. What are you doing here?”

„Forgot to take something from my locker, and I thought I'd stop by to say hi. Make sure you'll miss me during summer.”

„Oh how terrible will be all that time without you.” Brian snorted, putting the papers he was holding away „Come in, sit for a moment.”

Javi did just that, and Brian smiled at him fondly.

„I'm really proud of you achieved this season, really. You've grown so much.”

„I wouldn't be able to do that without you.” Javi said and Brian's smile softened.

„I'm happy you feel comfortable in here.” he said gently „So, what now? Going home or for some vacation?”

„First Madrid, and then week of a geteway.” Javi said, and he couldn't stop himself from grinning widely, and Brian raised his eyebrows.

„Well that's a special smile.” he said a bit teasingly „Going to spend some time with your significant other?”

„Well-” Javi hesitated for a second, but he had no reason to not be honest „- yes.”

„That's nice.” Brian said with a smile „I hope one day you'll introduce me to her.”

„Him, actually.” Javi said; he had thought about it earlier and decided that if the topic came out, there was no point to hide it from Brian. No details, but he knew that his coach would understand.

He was right.

„Oh. Oh I see.” Brian nodded, smiling, but Javi could tell that he was a bit surprised „Well, I hope you'll have a wonderful time.”

„Thanks, Brian. You too.”

 

* * *

 

Planning vacation was easy that time.

They both had pretty busy schedules, Javi had several shows planned and Sergei had his things to do in Russia. They accepted that, with ease they were used to so well.

If Javi loved him any less, maybe it would slowly start getting too hard to handle, living from a moment to moment, two days, four, a week. But he remembered all to well how it had almost ended and he knew that there was no way he could let that go.

They ended up in Spain, two days in Madrid so they could spend some time with Javi's family and let his mom complain that they should eat more. And then they packed themselves into a car that Laura gracefully let them use, and went for a trip to their getaway.

Javi quickly discovered that they were a good travelling team; he couldn't drive himself, but Sergei was a good driver, and apparently Javi was a good navigator.

„This is so romantic.” Sergei noticed, eyes focused on the road in front of them „Refusing to use GPS, going only with a map.”

„I'm good with maps. The best.” Javi announced, and Sergei grinned and then swore loudly in Russian.

„What the fuck is wrong with that guy, what the fuck.” he grumbled and Javi started laughing.

„Damn, so you're one of those guys that get all angry behind the wheel?”

„I'm allergic to stupidity.”

„So being with me must be so painful.” Javi joked and Sergei glanced at him, unimpressed.

„You know I don't like these self- deprecating jokes.”

„I know, I know, I'm sorry.” Javi said, smiling a little „Turn right on the next crossroad, I think we're getting close.”

 

 

Their destination was uncle Paco's summer house. It was located in a countryside, in a village that looked more like a bunch of houses scattered around the hills in a respectable distance from each other. It had a garden and a nice view, and Javi had some blurred memories from spending his childhood vacation in there.

„Oh, it's the one over there!” Javi exclaimed, pointing the familiar building not far away.

„Looks nice.”

„It's uncle's most beloved baby.” Javi chuckled „You need to meet him one day, he was so excited when he was offering me to stay here.”

„That's so nice of him.” Sergei smiled, but then his expression dimmed a little and Javi realized that he probably thought about his own family, and something clicked in his throat unpleasantly.

„Yeah, he's the best.” he said quickly and then changed the topic to describing in vivid detail how once he had almost drowned in a river nearby.

The house had been renovated two years earlier and it was still looking incredibly nice and fresh, and Javi decided that it was the best vacation idea he had ever had.

„Welcome to our home for the next eight days.” he said cheerfully as they walked inside with bags in their hands.

„I have a feeling it's going to be the best eight days of the year.” Sergei said, grinning, and Javi made a face at him.

„I can hear your thoughts from here.”

„Oh really?”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed, making his way to Sergei and wrapping his hands around his neck, looking at him from up close „And I'm telling you that we gotta shower first.”

Sergei burtsed into laughter, leaning forward to brush their noses together.

„Are we going to save some water?” he asked in a low murmur and Javi chuckled, delighted.

„You read my mind.”

 

* * *

 

Javi opened his eyes slowly and closed them immediately, refusing to accept reality. His head was pounding and his throat was rough like sandpaper, and he tried to recall what the hell he had done the day earlier to deserve all that pain.

He was lying on his stomach, pillow under his cheek feeling incredibly soft, and his body was feeling kind of weird. Javi groaned, suddenly remembering drinking a lot of wine that had made him feel or funny and fuzzy, and-

„Well look who's up.”

Javi opened one eye and saw Sergei exiting the bathroom and grinning very suspiciously.

„I feel like I'm dying.” Javi whined, rolling on his back, and Sergei chuckled, making his way to the bed and flopping next to Javi.

„No offence, baby, but you can't really handle your alcohol.” he said, leaning to kiss his nose and the reaching to the bedside table and handing Javi a water bottle.

Javi tried to sit up, but his head didn't like movements, so he just chugged on it while lying down, hoping that he wouldn't choke, and Sergei was very clearly trying not to laugh.

„Why aren't you dying?” Javi asked with some childish accusation after throwing the bottle away.

„Because I'm not a baby.”

Javi pouted, but decided to pass the opportunity for the age joke, and focus on more important matters.

„I've troubles remembering last night.” he admitted sheepishly and Sergei snorted.

„Yeah, I see.” he answered, his voice shaking with laughter, and Javi pouted even harder.

„So what did I miss?”

„Well, you decided to express your love to me by singing very charming Spanish ballads. It was amazing.”

Javi whined and grabbed the edge of the sheet to pull it over his face.

„Great, maybe I've a kink for humiliation.” he muttered and Sergei laughed loudly.

„Don't worry, I didn't record it.” he promised and Javi peeked from under the sheet, eyeing him suspiciously.

„You better.” he threatened „Anything else?”

„Well then we had some pretty wild sex, I'm kinda offended you don't remember that.”

Javi gaped, his eyes widening, and he couldn't tell if Sergei was joking or not.

„We did?” he asked carefully and Sergei's smile became fond.

„Nah, you passed out on the stairs halfway up here.”

„I wanna die.” Javi stated flatly and Sergei chuckled again, leaning down to kiss him.

„Shut up.” he said, his voice warm and fond, and Javi sighed contently, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer. They didn't keep on making out for too long, tho, because the slight lack of air was making Javi's headache even worse.

He would gladly stay in bed for ten more hours, but Sergei dragged him out of it and than basically forced breakfast into him. Javi made some unhappy noises at that, but ate everything dutifully, knowing that he needed carbs to kill the hangover.

„You're feeling better?” Sergei asked, touching his forehead, and Javi hummed, closing his eyes.

„Pretty good.” he said and then decided to change the topic, so they wouldn't be talking about his embarassing state „By the way, I forgot to ask how are the things with the scary lady going?”

Sergei snorted, taking his hand away and sitting down on a chair.

„First of all, she's not scary.” he stated and Javi made a face at him „Second, so far so good. I've known her for a long time.”

„She looks like-” he started but Sergei gave him a stern look „What, I wasn't going to insult her, but fine.”

„Mhh.” Sergei hummed suspiciously and Javi decided that fine, he wasn't in a position to make comments about her. Yet.

„I've a challenge.” Javi said instead.

„I'm interested.”

„We don't talk about skating today.”

„Uuu, I like it.” Sergei grinned, his eyes twinkling „What's the prize?”

„Guess.” Javi teased, wiggling his eyebrows, and Sergei's grin broadened even more.

„We've a deal.”

(Javi lost, but he didn't mind at all.)

 

* * *

 

They had two favourite places in the house.

The bedroom, obviously. And then, the terrace.

The house was built on a hill, so they had pretty nice view, not only on a harden, but also the landscape around them. They liked to sit there, with something to drink and a bowl of fruit, and just enjoy the fresh air and the quiet calm around them.

The sun was slowly setting down, on the way to hind behind the horizon, when the quiet atmosphere was broken by a sharp sound of Sergei's phone. He checked it, his brow furrowing, and Javi looked at him intently.

„Something wrong?” Javi asked and Sergei shook his head slightly.

„No, I don't think so. But I need to make a call.”

„Sure.”

Sergei gave him an apologetic smile before standing up and walking to the edge of the terrace, bringing phone to his ear, and a moment later Javi heard him speaking in Russian quietly.

Javi sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back. It was so pleasant, the rays of the setting sun grazing his face, surrounded by the sound of birds and Serge's quiet muttering.

It felt truly like a summer, like it should be- scent of pines and fruits, sun, and someone you loved next to you.

„Everything okay?” Javi asked when Sergei came back to sit in front of him, his expression a bit thoughtful.

„Yeah. It was my mom.” he said and Javi nodded with understanding. The world could be crumbling down, but Sergei would always answer a call from his mother.

Javi could tell, though, that something was off, he could see it in the corners of Sergei's eyes.

„Hey.” he said gently, nudging him with his foot, and Sergei sighed.

„She's in a bit weird mood lately. Nostalgic.”

„Is it the mid life crisis?” Javi asked, trying to light up the mood a bit, and Sergei gave him a half smile. He bit his lip for a second, looking away, and Javi felt a sting of concern.

„She misses dad a lot.” Sergei said finally, looking at him again, and Javi's stomach twisted, and he felt stupid for his previous comment.

„I'm sorry.” he said quietly and Sergei shook his head.

„It's okay, it's just- it's been over twenty years and she still-” he made a small gesture with his hand „Sometimes I wish I remembered him too, so I could miss him like she does. So I would really understand.”

Javi wished he knew what to say, but there was a lump in his throat and he wasn't even sure if he would be able to speak. They didn't talk about that too much, and Javi respected that, but now he just didn't know how to act, so he forced himself to say the most worn out, dry line to ever exist for situations like that.

„He would have been proud of you.”

„I know.” Sergei said, with a smile that wasn't sad anymore „I know.”

The silence that fell between them after that was warm and full of understanding, and Javi couldn't think of another person that he felt so comfortable with while not speaking at all. So he leaned forward a bit and covered Sergei's hand with his, squeezing it gently, hoping that the simple touch would tell him everything that he already knew.

Still, Javi liked to talk.

„Have I told you today that I love you?”

Sergei's expression softened, his features melting in the orange light of the setting sun.

„You say that everyday.”

„Sometimes I don't.”

„You do.” Sergei muttered, leaning in to kiss him „Even if you don't open your mouth.”

Well. That seemed about right.

 

* * *

 

The place was truly awesome, and exactly what they needed. It was quiet, beautiful, and had a great terrace they were spending a lot of time on.

And the way they were spending their time there some people maybe would call boring, but for them, it was perfect. They slept a bit too long, eat a lot of fruit, go for walks on near hills, sit in the garden, read, watch Spanish movies that Sergei could barely understand and was creating his own plots.

It was ordinary and warm, and exactly what they needed. Just to be.

And maybe, one day, somewhere in the future, it would be their everyday.

 

 


	31. it's the way we are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter: weirdly implied smut, talks and one drunk teenager.

There was one thing that Javi had learned during his already pretty long relationship with Sergei- goodbye sex was usually a really good sex. And that time was no exception.

„Mhhh.” Javi mumbled eloquently and Sergei looked up at him, his eyebrows raised.

„Does it mean I'm doing poor job or good job?” he asked and Javi gasped impatiently.

„Like you don't know.” he scoffed and Sergei smirked.

Because the truth was, after so many years, they both had pretty good ideas what they were doing and what they needed from each other.

„Okay, okay.” Sergei chuckled and crawled up Javi's body, kissing him deeply, and Javi sighed contently.

He couldn't help it, he was the touchy- feely one. He needed all the warmth and looking in the eyes, all the feelings and looking each other in the eyes. Maybe some people would call it boring, but it was how it was, and he hadn't heard any complains so far.

„I can tell you're thinking about something and I don't know if I should be offended.” Sergei muttered, kissing his ear, and Javi giggled quietly, squirming a little at the tickling sensation.

„You can't be offended if I'm thinking about you.” he said and Sergei gasped, pretending to be surprised, and he pulled away to look at Javi.

He was smiling, wide and happy, and Javi's heart stuttered suddenly with an overwhelming fondness.

„Oh really?” Sergei asked, brushing hair away from Javi's forehead and kissing him there before looking at him again „Any details?”

„No, because you'll say I'm ruining the mood.”

„How dare you.” Sergei gasped, one hand running along Javi's arm and then catching his fingers „You better tell me everything what's on your mind.”

„Or what?”

„Well guess.”

Javi groaned quietly, but to be honest he was just exagerrating. He had no problem with sharing his thoughts and feelings now, not with Sergei. Sometimes he would feel slightly embarassed, but he had learned the hard way that communication was the key.

„You're probably tired of listening the same thing everytime.” Javi said and Sergei gave him an unimpressed glance.

„Try me.”

„Just-” Javi sighed, knowing that he would sound repetitive and boring „- I'm going to miss you so much.”

He was stating the obvious right now, something what was their normality for years now. Still, it never stopped being true.

Sergei's face softened, and in moments like that he looked younger than he really was, loving and vulnerable, as if he hadn't been through so much already. And in moments like that, quiet but with their teasing laughter still lingering in the air between them, Javi couldn't really believe he had managed to make someone like Sergei to fall in love with him.

„You're so dumb.” Sergei muttered, pressing a kiss to Javi's forehead, cheek, nose, and everything was so absolutely right Javi almost felt like crying from how good and warm it all felt.

„Yeah, because you're so wise.” Javi muttered, trying to be fun and teasing, but it all came out a bit shaky and even kind of whiny. He didn't care anymore, to be honest. The times of being embarassed about what they wanted and needed were long gone.

„Not wise. Experienced.” Sergei grinned, withdrawing a little and patting Javi's hip „Now shut up and cooperate, I'm trying to have a goodbye sex with you now.”

„Jeez, can't you be even more rom- ah.” Javi yelped quietly, closing his eyes and trying to find his breath as he forced his body to relax.

It was always familiar and easy, not matter how much time had passed, and it was even better now, after those few days of amazing, blissful vacation when they could pretend that the outside world didn't exist and didn't demand anything from him.

„There we go.” Javi heard and a moment later there was a warm body covering his and a shaky breath against his jaw „Hey, open your eyes so I know you're with me.”

„You and your looking in the eyes kink.” Javi muttered shakily, opening his eyes with difficulty. It was hard to keep them open, helpless against the waves of pleasure crashing inside him.

„I just like to see you.” Sergei breathed out, touching his temple and then running his hand down Javi's face, neck, chest, until putting it on his hip with a firm but gentle grip „So I can remember every detail.” he whispered, kissing him lightly „So I can survive next months somehow.”

It was still a mystery, Javi thought dizzily, how someone with such a bright, sometimes naive smile, could say such sweet things that could bring tears to Javi's eyes.

And he would say something back, if he knew what to say, or if there was enough air in his lungs to do so. And then he closed his eyes, in the end, because he was weak, and it didn't matter anymore, because they were still together, close, their love vibrating in the air, tingling on their skin and filling their hearts, marking them forever.

 

 

Javi got back to being coherent only because Sergei tickled his ribs mercilessly, making him whina and kick a bit, eyes still closed.

„Go awayyyy.”

„That's fair, baby, but if you want to shower before Laura gets back, you should go now.”

Javi whined again, but Sergei had a point- he didn't need to give his dear sister more reasons for teasing.

His muscles were a little bit sore, in that special, pleasant way, and Javi sighed contently as the hot water started running down his body. It had been a great week, warm, filled with laughter and love and just the tiniest bit of sadness that always was creeping somewhere from the shadows, something both Javi and Sergei were already at peace with.

There were other things waiting for him now. Ice shows in Japan, then going back to Toronto, working on programs. And then, the olympic season, and Javi's heart skipped a beat. Maybe he would do good. Maybe he had something in himself, maybe-

\- the door clicked and Javi opened his eyes.

„What are you doing in here?”

„I just want to wash my teeth.” Sergei said, his voice careless „You don't mind, right?”

„Well fine, stay if you have to.” Javi agreed gracefully, turning the water off and stepping out of the shower; Sergei grinned, glancing at him, and everything was so domestic and warm. Javi stood next to him, drying himself up, and Sergei made a face at him in the mirror.

„Put some clothes on.” he said and Javi gaped, offended.

„Why should I? It's my house.”

Sergei rolled his eyes and wiped his mouth, turning to Javi and kissing him briefly. He muttered something in Russian, too quiet and rapid for Javi to understand, and he pouted.

„What was that?”

„Oh you wish you knew.”

„Hey, what-” Javi wanted to whine for translation, but then he heard distant scratching of a key in the front door and Sergei chuckled and Javi screeched.

„Can I go in or should I come back in ten minutes? I'm hungry tho!” Laura yelled loudly and Javi would tell her to go away, but Sergei was quicker.

„No worries!” he yelled back, grinning at Javi's betrayed expression before he left, and a moment later Javi could hear him talking with Laura, his sister's voice full of laughter.

„Well well well, I see I came just in time.” Laura grinned when Javi paced into the kitchen and saw his boyfriend and sister laughing about something.

„You should've come like twenty minutes later.” Javi stated, pretending to be grumpy, and she giggled.

„Okay, I'll keep that in mind next time.” she nodded and then glanced at Sergei „What time do you have your flight tomorrow?”

„9am.”

„Oh my god, Javi's not getting up at this hour like... ever.”

„The things I do for the love of my life.” Javi exclaimed dramatically and Sergei snorted, kissing his cheek while Laura's expression turned incredibly soft for a moment before the usual smile cam back to her lips.

„Okay, lovebirds, step away from each other and help me with dinner, I ain't your slave.”

 

* * *

 

When Javi came back from the airport he was still yawning after taking a short nap on the train and almost missing his stop. He was pretty proud of himself, because he almost hadn't cried while saying goodbye.

It wasn't getting easier with time, but Javi was used to that by that point. Just another step on their way to some distant, bright future.

Laura was up and in the kitchen, yawning into her cup.

„Hey, the coffee is fresh, knock yourself out.” she said, pointing the coffee mashine and Javi sighed deeply.

„You're an angel.” he said, pouring himself a cup and sitting on the other side of the table „What time parents are coming back tomorrow?”

„They said they'd like to leave at noon, but we'll see, grandma won't let them leave too early.”

„Yeah. I hope they had a good weekend, tho.”

„Oh I'm sure they did.” Laura said with a grin „What about you? You had a good week?”

„Decent.” Javi said and Laura rolled her eyes.

„Come on, details!”

„What, details about my sex life? Do you want to know how many times-”

„Okay, okay, sorry, I don't wanna know!” Laura chuckled, covering her ears for a second and then looked at him with a smile similar to the one Javi had seen on her face during previous evening.

„What?” he asked, making a face at her, and she shook her head slightly.

„You're doing so good, with him.” she said quietly „To be honest, I didn't think it would be so long.”

„Wow, thank you so much.” Javi chuckled, knowing that she didn't mean anything bad.

„You're welcome.” Laura grinned „You know, it's not even about the long distance. Just sometimes I look at you and I think _wow, I'd never thought you'd get together_. Just- you're... you, and he's so...”

„Russian?”

„Yeah.” Laura nodded and then her expression turned more serious, thoughtful „You think he'd like to stay there? Like, after retiring.”

„We talked about it.” Javi said, shaking his head „And no?”

„Huh.” Laura tilted her head „He strikes me as a guy who would like to spend his entire life there.”

„Oh he would. Just not with me.” Javi said without thinking and Laura blinked, confused, and Javi realized how it sounded „No, no, I don't mean- it's just...not a place for us.”

Laura nodded slowly, with understanding, and she smiled again.

„Well you better keep him. I like him. He's easy on the eyes too, when he's not dressing like a child from kindergarten.”

„At least his haircut is decent that time.”

„You call that decent?”

„Oh you've no idea.” Javi chuckled and she grinned.

„Look at you, baby brother, you're acting like someone married for twenty- five years.”

„It kinda feels like it.” Javi admitted „But at the same time I feel like I'm even more in love than I was in the beggining.”

„Oh my god, stop, you're making me jealous.” Laura exclaimed and then gave him a suprisingly stern look „Okay, nice talk an all, but are you packed?”

„No?”

„Yeah, that's what I thought. Chop chop, so you won't have to panic tomorrow.”

„You know me so well.”

„That's my job.”

 

* * *

 

The Ice was a fun tour, with a great cast. Shows were fun, and trips and small partied that were coming with them were even more fun, even when he had to try to stop Max from getting too drunk.

He failed, sometimes.

„Max, time to wake up, you're not sleeping on this bed.” Javi said, patting his cheek lightly, but Max only nuzzled into the pillow, babbling in Russian quietly.

„Let him be, I can crash at Jeff's couch, he got like, the best room.” Alex said, a traces of laughter in his voice, and Javi didn't have to say in it, since it was Alex's room and Alex's bed.

„Jeez, I should watch him better, he shouldn't be drinking at all.” Javi muttered to himself, rubbing his temples; he was slightly tipsy, and a bit of alcohol was always making him a bit more emotional and he was ready to feel guilty about anything.

„You're not his mother, chill out.” Andrew said and Javi thought that someone his age should be a bit more responsible about teenagers getting drunk.

„This is cute, tho!” Gracie chimed in, and Javi could tell she was more tipsy than him „How you're looking after him.”

„Yeah, I didn't know you guys were such big bros.” Kevin said and Javi sighed, giving up trying to wake Max up.

„We were rooming together in Moscow, for some time.”

„Oh?”

„Yep. He's my little Russian brother.” Javi smiled fondly and at least four girls cooed.

„Oh my god, you're the perfect marriage material!”

„Don't bring your hopes up, my man here is taken!” Alex exclaimed, patting Javi's shoulder and almost making him choke on his water- since he decided to be responsible for the rest of the night.

„Really?” someone asked, Javi didn't know who, too busy panicking what to do, becasue everyone was now staring to him like vultures, and-

\- and then he was saved by an angel. A very drunk angel.

„I don't feel good.” Maxim muttered in Russian, apparently not asleep, looking at Javi with big eyes.

„Yeah, I've got you.” Javi said eagerly, picking him up gently and holding him around the waist „Time for us, guys!” he exclaimed, ignoring disappointed whines of the rest of the guys. He tried to get from Max what was his room number and where he had a key, but in the end he simply dragged him to his own room, and then spent good fifteen minutes in bathroom, rubbing Max's back.

„You okay?” he asked with concern and Max mumbled something.

„'m fine.” he muttered, standing up and deciding to drink some water straight from the tap. He let Javi lead him to bed, blinking sleepily when Javi rearranged the blanket, making sure he was covered properly.

„Okay, I think you're good to-”

„Javi.” Max whispered, like a child holding some mystery „Can I tell you a secret?”

„A secret?” Javi asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and smiling at him.

„But it's not mine. Someone else's, but about you.”

„Oh really?”

„Mhh.” Max nodded, as serious as a drunk guy his age could be „I think Sergei likes you. Like... he _likes likes_ you.”

„Wow.” Javi didn't know if he was supposed to be amused on concerned „How did you get to that?”

„I've a third eye.” Max whispered conspiratorially.

„Okay, that's valid.” Javi said with a chuckle „And what do you think?”

„I think you should like him too.” Max muttered, his eyes closing, and Javi had a feeling he wouldn't remember too much of it the next day.

„I think I can do that.”

 


	32. summer comes and winter fades (here we are just the same)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olympic season preparations, meeting new people and texting with one curious American.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short filler-ish chapter before the season kicks in! Who's ready? I'm not.

Javi came back to his apartment feeling tired, but overall positive. He had had pretty good training session with Brian and David, and his programs were coming together nicely. He was excited about them, and he could tell that Brian had a good feeling about it too. Javi kicked his shoes off and paced to the kitchen, where he was welcomed by a very loud Effie.

„How is my favourite girl in the entire world doing?” he asked, crouching to scratch her head, and she started purring loudly, rubbing her head against his knee „Okay, okay, I get the message, you're only clingy when you're hungry.”

He gave Effie her dinner and them microwaved his leftover pasta from the day before and went to his tiny living room, flopping at the couch and turning the tv on. It was painfully normal, awfully boring, and kind of lonely.

Javi was used to that by now, to that brand new life in Toronto. And he enjoyed it, for the most of the time, he really did. The most important thing was that it was a great place to train, and he couldn't imagine better coach than Brian. Because Brian was kind, professional, stern when he had to be and always, always encouraging. It was such a great thing, to work with him and Tracy and David, and so many other people.

And Toronto itself was great too. It was a vibrant city, a mix of familiar with unexpected, and it was a good place to live in. There were so many things to do, if someone only tried to find them. And Javi really tried; he had friends here now, someone he could call and go for a drink or something from to time. But coming back to the empty apartment, greeted only by one always hungry cat- it was something that was still making him a bit uneasy, sometimes. He spent most of his life sharing space with someone- first his family, then with a bunch of people while being in Morozov's group. And now the quiet atmophere of his small apartment was refreshing. It was cool, when he didn't have to care about other people, but at the same time, in moments like that, when he was eating his slightly chewy pasta in front of the tv- he wished for someone to talk to, face to face, for someone to be there.

Javi shook his head, trying to get rid of his suddenly gloomy thoughts, and got back to his food, staring at the screen absently. There was some very dramatic tv show airing, and he spent solid ten minutes on trying to decipher the plot, and when he finally did, the episode ended and he felt a tiny bit disappointed.

He got up, he cleaned a little, and he considered going to sleep early when his phone dinged, sending any threat of boredom away.

_Alex [6.36pm] dude spill finally_

_me [6.37pm] spill what_

_Alex [6.39pm] who are you dating!!!_

_me [6.41pm] who said I'm dating anyone?_

_Alex [6.42pm] dude_

_Alex [6.42pm] don't test my patience_

_me [6.46pm] okay guess_

_Alex [6.48pm] Elene_

_me [6.49pm] lol no_

_Alex [6.52pm] that cute Spanish one_

_me [6.54pm] which one? They both great_

_me [6.54pm] also no_

_Alex [6.68pm] duuuude is it a skater at all?_

_me [7.02pm] yes_

_Alex [7.06pm] I'm going to do my research_

Javi chuckled and put the phone down. Alex was funny, and he was one of his best friends, but Javi was still considering if he should tell him about his relatinship with Sergei. He trusted Alex, a lot, but he knew how easily something could just slip out, without meaning to, and disaster would be ready. So far only a few people knew, except their families, and Javi was happy with that.

He remembered something and grabbed his phone again, scrolling to his conversation with Sergei. Apparently Max hand't forgotten his conversation with Javi back in Japan and during some meet up with Sergei he had given him a long and kind of tipsy prep talk.

_It was hilarious, but also cute? He was so invested I couldn't just lie to him, so I told him that I've a crush on you on he spent half an hour on giving me ideas how to get you, it was amazing._

Javi couldn't help but laugh while rereading that message, his mental picture pretty vivid. He wouldn't mind Max knowing, but still- he was super young and sometimes had troubles with holding back.

To be honest, Javi had expected that keeping it all a secret would be harder. It wasn't easy, of course, but it wasn't an impossible task. Someone noticed, but they all were people who knew him or Sergei well, so it was understandable, and also there was no threat of them passing the information to other people. But strangers had no clue and that was important.

But Javi had to admit, that there were moments when he wished he didn't have to hide it. It wasn't a normal situation for him, to stay that quiet about his feelings. He was that kind of person who would gladly yell about his relationship from the rooftops.

He would scream about it, one day, but he knew that the right moment would come in years, four, five, seven. Maybe ten. A big number, and if it was about someone else, Javi would probably give up at some point. But not in that case. He was already to deep in to even try.

 

* * *

 

Yuzuru was in a zone, meaning Javi didn't even try talking to him too much. He settled on short nods and encouraging smiles. It was understandable, of course; it was the olympic season, and they both had to focus. Javi didn't want to feel overly confident, but he couldn't help but had some high hopes. He was European champion, with one of the highest scores in the history. Honestly, he had a chance, he knew it, and Brian's smile was telling him the same.

„It's really coming together, you know?” he told Sergei on the phone while walking around the store and throwing stuff into a shopping cart „I think some people might not like them, though.”

„Don't worry, you can sell everything with that smile of yours.” Sergei said and Javi rolled his eyes, but he couldn't stop himself from grinning.

„You've really big faith in my abilities to charm people.”

„I would know, since you charmed me-”

„Oh stoooop!”

„- and since I personally know like five people crushing on you.”

„Excuse me?”

„But don't worry, I've a perfect spot to bury their bodies. What is that noise in the background?”

„I'm in a store and they're playing some really crappy music in here.”

„Oh don't forget to buy your vegetables!”

„What do you think I am, twelve?”

„When it comes to food.”

„I hate you.”

„You don't.”

„Well I don't.” Javi agreed with a chuckle and threw some tomatoes into his cart „How are you? Programs finally done?”

„Yes! I'm super excited about them, really. Can't wait for you to see them.”

„NHK, right? That cursed event.” Javi said, wincing slightly, and Sergei chuckled softly.

„But we have some good memories from there too.”

„Can't deny.” Javi said and then sighed „Let's make a deal to break the NHK curse.”

„I'm always up for a challenge like that.” Sergei stated and then sighed, but to Javi it sounded more like a yawn „Okay, I think it's time for me, my everything is killing me today.”

„Are you okay?”

„You know I can't tell my competition about my existing or non- existing injuries?”

„Sergei.” Javi said with a trace of warning in his voice and Sergei chuckled quietly.

„Don't worry.” he said softly „Just usual things, I'm not falling apart. Yet.”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed suspiciously „Okay, let's say that I believe you. You and get some sleep.”

„You bought your vitamins?”

„Stop controlling me!” Javi whined dramatically, drawing attention of some guy standing close, who gave him a surprised look „Okay, I'm hanging up. I love you.”

„I love you too.”

The call ended and Javi smiled to himself, putting the phone back to his pocket. That was how it looked like, long phone calls while doing the most random things, and sometimes longer calls with a totally different purpose. Maybe it wasn't perfect, and maybe he wished for more, but it was enough.

 

* * *

 

Javi stepped inside the bar and looked around, and he almost immediately spotted Cortney waving at him.

„Hey there!” he smiled at her widely and the moved his gaze to the guy sitting next to her „Hi, I'm Javi, nice to meet you!”

Cortney had wanted to meet up with him not only because he wanted to catch up with Javi, but she also wanted her new partner to feel good in Toronto, and that meant that he should start meeting new people.

„Hello, nice to meet you too.” the guy smiled, a bit shyly, in careful English with accent much better than Javi's „I'm Michal.”

„How do you like Toronto?” Javi asked and Michal smiled a bit wider, shrugging.

„It's nice. But very big, I'm still not used to it. And beer is worse than at home.”

„I hear it everytime we go out.” Cortney whined „ _Oh it's cool but in Czech Republic-_ ”

Michal shrugged sheepishly and Javi decided that he liked him. He had kind eyes and gentle smile, and it seemed like him and Cortney were going along pretty well, much better than with her previous partner.

„I'm like that too, still.” Javi grinned with understanding „Like, Toronto is perfectly fine and I like living here, but sometimes I just can't stop thiking about home. But you'll get used to that.”

„No worries.” Michal smiled back „With good company, everything is easy.”

„He's a philosopher.” Cortney informed Javi and poor Michal blushed a bit, and Javi decided to save him from his misery.

„I'm kind of glad you decided to train here, because who would I leave Effie with?” he asked, looking at Cortney, and she snorted.

„You're lucky I love her more than you.”

„Who's Effie?” Michal chimed in, clearly confused, and Cortney grinned devilishly.

„Javi's beloved child.”

„Huh?”

„My cat.” Javi informed him, trying to kick Cortney under the table, but missing and only making her giggle „If you ever want to babysit one fluffball you let me know, okay-”

„No, it's my thing!”

„Well you're mean to me so I should reconsider?!”

They kept on bickering like that for a moment until Michal started laughing and Javi realized that it was probably a bit rude.

„Sorry.” Javi smiled sheepishly and Michal waved at him, smiling back.

„No, no worries, it's fun. Cortney and Michal told me that you are fun and I see it's true.”

„Wait, they were gossiping behind my back? Outrageous!” Javi gasped, pretending to be offended and Cortney told him to shut up and get another beer.

It was a fun night and when Javi got back to his apartment he was slightly tipsy and very giddy, and even Effie's judgy eyes couldn't break his happy bubble.

„Don't look at me like that, I'm allowed to have fun.” he informed the cat and Effie tilted her head a little, clearly not convinced „You know what, I don't care about your opinions, I'm going to shower.”

He started singing in the shower until he realized that it was 1am and bad time for waking his neighbours up, so he finished his performance in a dramatic whisper before he dragged himself to the bedroom and flopped on the bed. He reached for his phone to set an alarm to wake up before noon and he found there some unread messages that made him burst into laughter.

_Alex [11.03pm] is it Liza???_

_Alex [11.07pm] Carolina?_

_Alex [11.11pm] man I'm trying so hard in here help me out_

_Alex [11.14pm] is it a dude????_

_Alex [11.20pm] javi pls I'm dying_

_me [1.19am] keep on digging_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Javi's new friend in here is Michal Češka, Cortney's partner since 2013, he's a cutie!


	33. and I try to keep you safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two entirely different trips to Japan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate! I wanted this chapter to be longer and cover the whole NHK but I decided to split it in two, we'll see how you like it :D

The summer months passed rapidly, unexpectedly, and Javi blinked and he found himself at Japan Open. It was a decent start of the season, a good warm- up. There were still some things that needed to be polished, but overall it all felt good. It was a fun event, and he liked being a part of the team.

„I met the other Michal in Toronto.” he informed _Michal Březina_ when they were all gathered in the locker room when everything was done „He's really cool.”

„He teamed up with Cortney, right? I hope they'll do good, for the sake of my beloved country.” Michal chuckled; he was smiling, but Javi could tell that he wasn't too pleased with his performance earlier, so he suggested him hanging out. So an hour later they ended up in some local bar with a slightly confused owner.

„So, how is it going? Ready for the season?” Javi asked, wrapping his fingers around his glass, and Michal shrugged.

„More or less. As you saw, I need some more work. Like, a lot of work.”

„We're all stressing out in here.” Javi said with a sympathetic smile and Michal smiled back

„You know what, let's put all the skating aside for a moment. How are other things?”

„I've a feeling that you're asking me about my relationship.”

„Of course I am.”

„It's good. Like, surprisingly good, taking everything into consideration.”

„How long is it, by the way? If you don't mind me asking.”

„Since like 2010. Damn it's a long time.” Javi chuckled to himself, shaking his head a little.

„Damn indeed.” Michal smiled „I salute you.”

„Thanks. I need to call him later, he had free skate at Finlandia today.”

„Oh yeah, you need to fulfill your boyfriend duty.”

They kept on chatting for a bit more, enjoying each other's company and the funny beer they were drinking. Michal got only a bit whiny about his lack of success in relationship field, still stressing about that girl who was apparently the love of his life, and Javi tried his best to give him some genius relationship advice. It was nice, to catch up, so when Javi got back to his room he was in a really good mood, so when Sergei picked up his call he was already grinning like a madman.

„Someone is in a great mood I see.” Sergei said with amusement „Also, can I just note that this facetime thing is weird.”

„Well you finally got yourself a new phone, you need to learn how to use it and not complain.” Javi informed him „Better tell me how did it go?”

„Second! Right behind your boy.” Sergei stated and Javi rolled his eyes.

„That joke is older than you now.” Javi stated and then smiled brightly „I'm so proud of you.”

„Thank you.” Sergei chucked softly „It's good to have a game at the beginning of the season. And how is it going in Japan?”

„Well I won!” Javi announced proudly „But we ended up in third in the end.”

„Ahh, you're a savior of Europe now, huh?”

„What a responsibility.” Javi exclaimed dramatically and then sighed „I so can't wait to see you.” he said, a bit whiny, and Sergei laughed warmly.

„I know how you're feeling. Very relatable.”

„I think we both just want to have sex.”

„I mean, that's basically it.” Sergei laughed again, the sound loud and bright, and then he sighed deeply „How are you, beside that?”

„Beside missing you and thinking about sex? Pretty good. My life is boring.”

„Yeah, I don't think so.”

„You don't have to think so. How about you?”

„Well expect of deciding that your training mate is quite adorable? My knee didn't hurt for the whole competition and grandma talks with me again.”

„Oh. That's good!” Javi exclaimed, sitting upright, and Sergei grinned at him.

„Yeah. She acts like the topic has never been touched so... I mean, it's not perfect, but I'll take that for now.”

Javi nodded, smiling. He knew how important Sergei's family was for him, especially his grandma, who had basically raised him along with his mom.

„It's a progress.” he agreed softly and then couldn't stop himself from yawning „Sorry.”

„No, no, it's fine. It must be super late in Japan now, right?”

„Uhhh it's... 2am?”

„Are you crazy? To sleep, now!”

„You can't tell me what to do!”

„Oh you want to bet?”

„Mhh.” Javi hummed grumpily, but it was a fact that he was half asleep now „Fine.” he sighed dramatically „I'll see you in Tokyo, right?”

„In November.” Sergei added softly and then suddenly the feed went blurry and Javi saw some pair of shoes and heard some loud swearing in Russian.

„You okay?”

„Yep, yep, everything fine!”

There was some loud shifting and after a moment Sergei picked his phone up again and Javi was able to see his face again.

„I managed not to break the screen, that's a miracle.” Sergei chuckled „Okay, time to go, chop chop!”

„Okay, okay, I'm going.” Javi sighed, feeling incredibly warm and fond, his eyelids flutteting „I love you.”

„I love you too.” Sergei said quietly, and it was the last thing Javi hear before falling asleep promptly.

 

„Hi Yuzu! Congrats for the win!” Javi smiled and his teammated smiled back, skating a bit closer.

„Thank you. Good competition. Wish Javi there.”

„Well, I had really nice time in Japan too.” Javi smiled and Yuzuru grinned widely.

„Japan is the best.” he sighed with nostalgia „I wish I go to NHK.”

„I'm going there.” Javi smiled devilishly and Yuzuru gasped „You want me to bring you something?”

„Hmmm.” Yuzuru hummed „A medal.”

„Oh damn.” Javi chuckled „I can try.”

„Guys, it's not time for gossip!” Brian yelled suddenly, startling them both „You warmed up? Great, now we're getting to work, no time to waste!”

 

* * *

 

 

And yet again Javi almost didn't register passing time, and suddenly he was sitting on a plane to Tokyo, excitement circling in his veins. Brian noticed, of course, and gave him a smile full of fondness.

„You seem in a good mood.”

„I'm in a good mood.” Javi admitted „First big competition. I'm feeling kind of hyped.”

„Good, good.” Brian chuckled „That's the spirit.”

Brian didn't need to know that excitement before competition was only half of the reason for Javi's good mood. The other half was the perspective of finally being able to see his boyfriend in person, finally.

So when he finally got to hug him, in the safe space of his hotel room, it was the best feeling ever.

„Hey.” Sergei breathed out against his temple and Javi muttered something, he didn't even know what, and pressed himself even closer, hiding his face in Sergei's shirt.

That was all he needed right now- to feel Sergei's warm skin, hear his heartbeat and steady breath. It was so painfully familiar, and everything he needed right now. It was almost hard to believe that the last time they had seen each other was such a long time before, months, when summer sun had been shining on both of them. And now they were there, in Japan, in another hotel room, but it felt right, because that was their normality for now, or maybe still.

Finally, after what was probably a long time but still didn't seem like enough, Sergei dropped a kiss to the top of Javi's head and pulled back a little, his hand coming to cup Javi's face.

„God, I missed you.” Javi blurted out and Sergei's face melted with the brightest of smiles.

„I figured.” he chuckled and then leaned in to finally kiss Javi, soft and gentle, and Javi sighed deeply, his hands coming to grasp Sergei's shoulders.

They kept on kissing for a while, slow, unrushed, acting like they had all the time in the world while the reality was a total opposite.

„Okay.” Sergei muttered, curling his fingers in Javi's hair and pulling back gently, making him whine quietly.

„I hate your self control.” he complained and Sergei chuckled quietly, letting their lips brush.

„It's all your doing, being around you in public requires a lot of self control.”

„I hate your lines.”

„You love my lines.”

„Yeah, I love them.” Javi agreed and then pulled back with a sigh „You probably should get going, right?”

„I should.” Sergei agreed softly, brushing Javi's cheekbone.

Because no matter how much they had been missing each other, they were in Japan for a reason. They both something to do there, something to prove to the world and to themselves. So now, after all the softness and reminding each other how it was to kiss, to hug, to feel- it was time to focus, so in two or three days they could fall into each other's arms again.

„Good luck.” Javi whispered, pressing one more kiss to Sergei's lips.

„To you too.” Sergei chuckled, and Javi couldn't help but notice how tired he sounded, and his heart clenched „Not like you need it, you're going to crush it.”

„Your faith in me is infinite.” Javi shook his head and Sergei smiled at him gently.

„It is.”

 

His short was decent and the second place was pretty satisfying. Him and Sergei never interacted too much while the competition was going on; they weren't avoiding each other, they talked, they joked, but they didn't look for any intimate moments. They had it under control, at that point, and shared smiles and gazes were enough until they would be able to let go of all the pretending.

On the day of free skate he was having breakfast with Maia and Alex, and he was having a nice time catching up and joking with them.

„Come on, Javi, what is the next exhibition idea, tell us, is it something epic?”

„Oh it's a secret-”

„Like the name of the guy you're sleeping with?”

Javi dropped his fork, his fingers going cold, and he looked up at Adam, who just sat in front of him, next to Maia, smiling easily. Maia was blinking rapidly, clearly confused, and Javi didn't want to look at Alex, trying to get a grasp on reality and trying to convince himself that maybe he heard it wrong.

„What are you talking about?” he managed to ask and Adam tilted his head a little.

„The fact that you have a boyfriend, obviously.” he said carelessly „Funny, I never thought you'd be into that.”

Javi was trying his best not to panic and understand what the hell was going on. How did Adam know, what did he know, how-?

„I eavesdropped on your conversation with your pretty teammate yesterday.” Adam informed him shamelessly, and Javi remembered his brief talk with Elene, and he had no idea where Adam had been hiding, because he could swear they were alone.

„What the fuck.” Alex said flatly and Javi shuddered „What the fuck, man.”

Javi finally got enough courage to look at Alex, but he was staring right at Adam, his expression unreadable.

„Oh come on, aren't you interested in who that is-”

„Adam, stop.” Maia said, looking at him with such deep disapproval, and javi had never seen an expression like that on her face. He didn't dwell on it, though, he had bigger problems, like Adam freacking Rippon; you would think that he should be more considerate in that matter, but apparently there was no chance.

„I need to go.” he mumbled, feeling like he was going to throw up. He thought faintly that maybe he was overreacting; it wasn't like Adam was about to blackmail him or anything, right? And apparently he didn't know who Javi's boyfriend was, that was good-

„Hey, hey!”

Javi stopped abruptly, feeling a hand on his shoulder and he turned arounf to see Alex's concerned face.

„Are you okay?”

„Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's okay, I'm good.” Javi rambled and Alex didn't look convinced at all.

„I don't know what's gotten into him, he's usually not like that-” Alex cut himself off, wincing „Maia is yelling at him currently, I'll do my part later too, I just wanted to check if-”

„I need to go, I've to skate in a few hours.” Javi mumbled. He was feeling numb, still shocked, and he couldn't properly appreciate Alex's friendly concern. So he basically ran away.

He didn't exactly know how the next few hours went, but he was trying his best to ignore Adam's grin and Sergei's concerned glances. And suddenly he was standing in the middle of the ice, and he almost didn't remember what he was supposed to be doing now.

The music started and he took a deep breath. And then, he moved.

 


	34. all I need is a little love in my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi is handling the situation and Alex is the mvp.

„Javi, are you okay?” Brian asked with concern when they left kiss and cry, and Javi just nodded. Now he wasn't even feeling shocked or bad anymore. Now, he was just angry.

His skate had been quite disastrous, and usually Javi would be crushed and so painfully disappointed, but now he just wanted to punch Adam in the face. Which was a new feeling, kind of, because he almost never got tempted to do anything even remotely agressive. But now, as he was walking to the locker room, he was just pissed. When he was looking at it now, he realized that his reaction had been a little bit too much. Sure, Adam was being an asshole, but Javi could have handled it better. He was just too stressed lately, and the way Adam had approached him wasn't cool; Javi didn't know him that well, and he didn't really trust him. At least he apparently didn't know about Sergei, which was the biggest relief, because if he knew they would be utterly screwed.

There were some guys in the locker room already, talking mostly about getting drunk on the banquet. Sergei was there too and he sent Javi a worrying glance as he approach him slowly, trying to look as relaxed and random as humanly possible.

„Are you okay?” he asked quietly and Javi gave him a smile that probably looked more like a grimace.

„I'm fine. Just had some problem.” Javi muttered, glancing over his shoulder to check if stupid Adam wasn't creeping anywhere from behind. Maybe he was getting paranoid „We need to talk.”

„Okay.” Sergei nodded, clearly sensing that something was wrong, his eyes narrowed slightly, concern clear in his eyes „I'll come over later, okay?”

„Okay.” Javi nodded, giving him a small, tight smile. He wished he could reassure Sergei that everything was okay, and that he was better now, even despite that awful performance he had just pulled.

He was feeling a bit better, but he was still angry.

Javi collected his stuff and went on the quest to find Adam, because there were some things he needed to get straight.

 

_me [4.41pm] what's his room number_

_Alex [4.45pm] meet me at the reception we'll go together_

 

Adam's expression was a bit uncertain when he saw Javi and Alex standing on his doorstep, but he collected himself quickly and let them in, smiling broadly.

„Fine, fine, I'm sorry.” he sighed, waving a bit „But I just wanted-”

„Can you not talk to me, for a moment?” Javi asked, sounding as stern as he could, and Adam made a face but shut up obediently „First, that wasn't cool-”

„- more like you're an asshole.” Alex chimed in, his expression cloudy, and Javi felt a spark of fondness.

„Yeah, something like that. Second, how do you know?” Javi asked, because there was no point in trying to deny anything, since he had wasted that opportunity during breakfast.

„I told you.” Adam said, rolling his eyes „You were talking with your friend in one of the rooms backstage, and I was hiding behind that big cartoon box-”

„What the fuck?” Alex asked again, clearly getting angrier and angrier with every second, while Javi suddenly felt surprisingly calm.

„I wanted to tell you that I was there, but you started talking about such interesting topics-” Adam shrugged and Javi shook his head, feeling mildly disgusted „Look, I'm sorry, okay, I thought the guys knew.” Adam said defensively and Alex snorted.

„Okay, Adam, let me get this straight. You tell someone and I'm so publishing that vid from the last camp.”

„What vid?” Adam asked and Javi looked at Alex, confused; he hadn't heard anything about any video.

„That one with you and a certain someone making out behind-”

„Oh my god, what?” Adam screeched, all his careless confidence gone in the flash „You wouldn't!”

„Try me.” Alex said and Javi was never more grateful for having him as his friend, even though he was just using a plain blackmail to protect him.

„Fine. Of course, no one will know.” Adam nodded eagerly, and Javi could swear there was a slight blush of embarassment creeping on his cheeks „Look, Javi, I'm really sorry, I-” he swallowed visibly „Sorry.”

„Yeah, I'm kinda blaming you for fucking up my skate.” Javi said, a bit bitterly, and Adam had enough decency of looking at least a bit guilty. Javi now had no chnce in hell for making it to the final and he was only now realizing it fully, and he could feel anger coiling inside him again.

They left Adam's room without much more talking, Alex following Javi silently to his room, when they found Maia waiting for them by the door, looking mildly anxious.

„Did you beat him up or something?” she asked and Javi had to chuckle at that.

„No, don't worry.” he said, opening the door „Alex seemed like he was close to, though.”

„I'm just so disappointed in him!” Alex whined, following them inside „He's pretty cool, usually? And you'd think he'd be more careful, in... in that case.” he winced and Javi smiled at him tiredly.

„That day sucked.” he announced, sitting on his bed and Alex joined him, patting his back a bit awkwardly.

„Yeah, it was kind of intense.”

They still didn't make any comment about what Adam had said, and Javi was grateful for that, but he could tell that they were curious, because who wouldn't be? And in the end, they were his friends, one of the best he had in the whole skating world, so there was no point in hiding anything now.

„It's true, if you haven't realized yet.” he said and they both looked at him „I do have a boyfriend.”

„Yeah, that's cool.” Alex said quickly and Maia smiled at him reassuringly „You know that I'm super curious, we both are, but you don't have to tell us anything if you don't feel like it-”

„Yeah, Adam took care of that.” Javi couldn't help but say, a bit bitterly.

„I don't know what's gotten into him, he's usually not like that.” Maia sighed, shaking her head. She opened her mouth to say something more but then someone knocked to the door and she raised her eyebrows questioningly „Should I get that?”

„Yeah, sure.” Javi mumbled absently and then suddenly jolted upright „Wait-”

But it was too late, and Maia already opened the door to reveal slightly concerned Sergei standing there.

„Oh.” Javi breathed out, his eyes finding Sergei's, and it was like they didn't need words to communicate, in that moment. After maybe five seconds Sergei smiled slightly, nodding, and entered the room, closing the door carefully.

„Hello.” he said, smiling warmly, and Javi could tell that Maia and Alex were confused beyonf belief, probably not realizing anything at all yet. Which would be hilarious, if Javi wasn't so worn out. And he was exhausted, really, truly, to the bones, physically and mentally. So he smiled weakly and opened his arms, and Sergei's expression softened. He made his way to Javi, as if they were alone, and took his face in his hands, kissing his forehead, and then standing straight and giving Maia and Alex a sheepish smile, while Javi rested his head against Sergei's side.

Maia snapped out of her surprised daze first, clearing her throat.

„Well hi.” she laughed, a bit awkwardly, and for a heartbeat Javi felt stressed how Sergei was going to act, but his boyfriend just chuckled sheepishly, looking at him briefly.

„They're surprised. It's a good sign.” he said with a grin and Javi felt his muscles relaxing.

„They're wondering how I got someone so much older and so much hotter.”

„More like how I got someone so much younger and so much hotter.” Sergei noted and Alex snorted loudly.

„Sorry, sorry.” he said rapidly when everyone looked at him „I'm just, uh-”

„Surprised. I know.” Javi said and Maia sighed loudly, making everyone look at her now.

„You're all disastrous.” she announced „It's nice to see you, Sergei.” she said, smiling kindly, and Javi felt a sudden wave of relief that she knew his name „Are you guys hungry? Maybe we could go grab something together?”

„Yeah, why not?” Javi wondered, glancing at Sergei „Could you guys give us a minute-?”

„Yeah, sure.” Alex nodded eagerly, standing up and still looking a bit dumbfounded „We'll, um, wait for you downstairs.”

They left and Javi let out a deep breath and looked at Sergei, who gave him a stern look.

„I need some explanations, Javi, and fast.” he said and Javi didn't blame him at all for his flat tone.

„Long story short, Adam overheard my conversation with Elene yesterday.” he said, putting his hands on Sergei's waist „And he kind of- well, he outed me in front of them during breakfast. But he doesn't know about you, so it's not bad.”

„Oh.” Sergei breathed out, his expression shocked „Oh no.”

„Don't worry, like I said, he doesn't know-”

„I'm so sorry.” Sergei said quietly, his expression morphing into sadness, and Javi shrugged.

„It's- it's not that bad. I kind of panicked, when it happened, and it took me some time to calm down. Shame I couldn't get myself together before the skate, though.” he grimaced and Sergei sighed deeply, touching his face.

„I'm so sorry.” he muttered „Do you want me to punch him? I totally can.”

„Yeah, right.” Javi couldn't help but laugh at that „You're even less agressive than me.”

„Well I can tell Raf that Adam's being an asshole.” Sergei suggested „I was his favourite student.”

„Ten years ago.”

„Thirteen.”

„Whatever.” Javi chuckled „By the way, sorry about that, I didn't manage to talk with you and they were here-”

„Don't worry, Javi.” Sergei said gently „I know they they're important to you. If you trust them, I do too.”

He was smiling, and Javi could tell that he was still processing everything he had just heard, but he still stayed open and positive, and Javi's heart clenched with affection.

„I love you.” he said, taking one of Sergei's hands and pressing a short kiss to his knuckles.

„Of course you do.” Sergei chuckled, his eyes twinkling „So, shall we go? I'm kind of hungry.”

 

It was a bit akward, at first. Javi knew that Alex and Maia hadn't really talked with Sergei before, and that they were still in the state of a slight surprise, and he didn't blame them for that. They were also too polite to ask any straightforward questions, so Javi decided to take it all in his hands.

„Okay, so let me give you some very necessary plate of information.”

They were sitting in a small restaurant close to their hotel, drinks in their hands and orders already made.

„You don't have to, if you don't want to.” Maia said, smiling kindly, although her eyes sparkled.

„Well, we've no other option now.” Javi joked, glancing at Sergei who smiled at him broadly „First thing, this is top secret. Seriously.”

„Of course, of course.” Alex rushed to say and Javi nodded at him, smiling.

„Okay, so second thing. We've been together for ages now and we're going to stay together for the next thousand years, so, you know, this is serious-”

„You're so dramatic.” Sergei interrupted him, rolling his eyes, and Javi snorted.

„Shut up, I'm trying in here.”

„You're doing a great job.”

„Obviously.”

„Guys.” Alex chimed in, looking at them with wide eyes „Is this- I'm-”

„He wants to say that he was kinda surprised but he can see that you're perfect for each other.” Maia said, smiling broadly, and Alex nodded fiercely.

„Yeah, exactly that. By the way, how long is _for ages?_ ”

„Umm, three years?” Javi hummed, glancing at Sergei who made a face at him.

„Depends what you're counting as the moment we got together.”

„Well the first time we-”

„Oh my god, guys.” Alex gasped „This is, like, so much information, my brain can't process it all.”

„It happens a lot.” Sergei informed him with a smile „But I'm processing too, now.” he admitted and Maia smiled at him softly.

„I can only imagine.” she said „Don't worry, guys, the secret is safe with us. We won't tell anyone.”

„Yeah, and we will keep an eye on Adam.” Alex said „I wasn't kidding with that vid.”

They kept on talking, arrival of food not really interrupting their conversation, and Javi was feeling much, much better. He was still slightly mad and disappointed, but at the same time he was beyond grateful for Alex and Maia's reaction, and that Sergei seemed to be feeling comfortable around them too. He hadn't been planning for it to go that way- him and Sergei had an agreement than they would always have a short discussion before telling someone, but in that case they had no chance to do so.

„So, do you guys have any plans for now or-” Alex started when they were leaving the restaurant, but stopped at the pointed look Maia gave him „- or, umm-”

„Yeah.” Javi chuckled, feeling so much lighter as he gave Sergei a bright smile „We do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: umm, smut?


	35. you know it's something good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what this is hah my head is kind of killing me but I hope you enjoy this little chapter :)

"Are you okay?" Sergei asked witn concern the moment they entered Javi's room and the door closed.

"I'm okay. Can't you see my great mood?" Javi exclaimed and Sergei tilted his head a little, making a face at him.

"I appreciate your great mood, Javi." he said softly "But I need to make sure, okay?"

"Okay." Javi sighed, his shoulders relaxing "I'm good. Really."

"Mhh." Sergei hummed suspiciously, reaching to caress Javi's brow gently and making him sigh.

"I got into my panic mode." he admitted quietly "And now I'm just- I don't know, I feel weird. Like, it was a lot of things today. And I'm trying not to think about my skate."

"If that makes it better, I still did worse than you."

"It's not making me feel better, but thank you for trying." Javi chuckled quietly, finally leaning in and kissing him, wrapping his arms around Sergei's shoulders to keep him close "Just, don't worry, okay?"

"I always worry." Sergei mumbled against his lips, hands sliding to Javi's waist to steady him "You're like a child, you know-"

"Shut up." Javi chuckled, and he could feel Sergei's smile against his lips.

Sergei hummed quietly in response and moved his lips across Javi's cheek to kiss his temple, hugging him closely. It was all warm and light, but Javi knew that Sergei still felt like he had to protect him, sometimes, and he knew where it all was coming from. Sergei had seen Javi on his lowest, on trainings that ended up in so much bruises his skin was turning blue, he wiped too many tears and held him through too many panic attack, and Javi lost count. In moments like that, quiet, stolen from the world demanding so many things from them, Javi could really feel the true meaning of everything they had.

"Thank you." he said quietly, nuzzling his nose against Sergei's neck "I love you." Sergei chuckled quietly, his breath warm against Javi's temple, and then he pulled back a little, so he could look Javi in the eyes. His smile was soft and warm, and something flickered in his gaze.

"Huh." he breathed out, running his hand through Javi's hair "We need to discuss this haircut."

"Oh don't you even go there." Javi said, shaking his head "I gave up any constructive criticism about your lack of style, so can you maybe do the same?"

"I'm only looking out for you!" Sergei exclaimed, his smile turning into a wide grin "But okay. As you wish."

"Did you just quote _The Princess Bride_?"

"Maybe I did." Sergei said cheekily and Javi rolled his eyes before kissing him again.

The way to bed was long and filled with a lot of fumbling and laughter, and some time later they finally managed to find some more comfortable making out position, with Sergei leaning against the headboard and Javi sitting on his lap. It was easy, and familiar, and it was kind of hard to believe so much time had passed since the last moment they had been like that, hiding in a hotel room in some distant part of the world, far away from both of their homes. And now, with strong arms wrapped around his waist and warm lips against his- Javi didn't think about what had happened in the morning, about stupid Adam, about killing his chances of making it to the grand prix final. And for a moment he didn't even think about the olympics, of all the hope and responsibility that he could feel in his bones, growing stronger and stronger with each day.

Now, it didn't matter, for a few blissful moments.

"Okay, okay." Javi breathed out shakily, pulling back a little and wondering if it was unhealthy that his heartbeat was already that quick "So, umm-"

"Aww are you blushing?" Sergei cooed "I thought we were past this? What is it about?"

He had a point, because after so much time they didn't really get shy anymore. But now Javi was feeling a bit flustered, for some reason, and he could feel his cheeks heating up as Sergei watched him with a fond smile.

"The last time you had this expression was when we were discussing the _sex stuff_." Sergei noted and then his smile widened "Is that a case now?"

"- maybe?"

"Okay." Sergei said with a chuckle "I'm not going to torment you to say it out loud."

"Wow, you're so generous." Javi teased and then yelped quietly when Sergei bit on his collarbone gently.

"You were saying?"

"Shut up." Javi chuckled fondly, tugging at the hem of Sergei's shirt "And get rid of that."

"You get rid of that." Sergei stated, grinning at him "Since you're apparently doing all the job today."

"You are the worst." Javi announced, helping him out of his shirt and then taking care of his own "Absolutely the worst. I don't know why I'm hanging out with you."

"Because I'm pretty good at _sex stuff_." Sergei said in a theatrical whisper and Javi giggled.

"Yeah, it must be it."

They moved to the lying position with practiced ease, and they just kept on making out for a while, exchanging soft, lazy kisses that still weren't too rushed. Javi enjoyed every moment of that, of feeling skin against skin. He loved those little moments, when they just were together, taking in as much as they could to somehow get through their time apart.

They couldn't just keep on making out forever, though, and after some time Javi felt that it was time to push the action forward a little bit.

"Have I ever mentioned that I hate this belt." he complained and Sergei laughed at that loudly.

“Well that's a shame, I like it a lot. But feel free to get rid of it.”

“I'm trying to!”

After a few minutes of quiet laughter and fumbling they both were finally naked and Javi breathed out deeply against Sergei's mouth.

“I missed you a lot.” he muttered, moving his lips down along his jaw and neck, nibbling on his collarbone.

“I missed you too.” Sergei said softly, his fingers tangling in Javi's hair, tugging gently as Javi kept on kissing down his body.

It didn't happen too often, that Javi liked to take the lead, but today he was truly feeling like it. Maybe it was because of that long day, when so much things had been spiraling out of control, and now he was feeling just a bit bolder than usual.

“Oh boy.” Sergei exhaled deeply, his fingers curling on Javi's nape, and Javi would answer if he wasn't currently occupied with something else.

Someone could've thought that with the lives they were living, it all would be more rushed and more desperate. They wanted each other, and they needed each other, but they had learned to take things slow, treat every second like it was so much precious and fleeting.

“Roll over, okay?” Javi muttered against Sergei's hip, drawing a shaky chuckle out of him.

“I like where this is going.” he said, doing what Javi told him to, and Javi chuckled, moving up his body to press a kiss to the side of his neck and then moving along his spine. Sergei made a funny, wheezing sound and Javi grinned against his skin.

“You tell me if it's too much, okay?”

“It's my line.” Sergei muttered breathlessly and Javi chcukled quietly.

“Not today.”

There was no more talking, after that, because at tha point they were pretty damn good at expresing their feelings without words.

 

“You have wrinkles.” Javi muttered, his fingers tracing skin around Sergei's eyes.

“Don't you say, Sherlock Holmes.” he said, his eyes still closed, and he exhaled deeply, moving a little bit closer “I don't appreciate that you offend me like that, though.”

“Sorry.” Javi chuckled, leaning to kiss him briefly and then shifting closer, so their foreheads were touching “You remember that I'm going to Rostelecom?”

“How could I forget, I remember all four times in a year that I get to see you.”

“You only remember because they're the only four times in a year you can have sex.”

“Obviously.” Sergei snorted, finally opening his eyes and smiling widely. He wrapped his arm around Javi's waist and pulled him closer, sighing quietly “You know what-” he said quietly, hand coming to touch Javi's cheek “A year ago I asked you why did you love me, and you said you would tell me the next time. And you still haven't.”

“Oh no, are you getting your post sex sappy mood?”

“I can't deal with you.”

“And yet you still do.”

“I guess it really must be love then.” Sergei chuckled and Javi felt butterfiles fluttering in his chest. He sighed deeply and moved back a little so they could look each other in the eyes.

“It's just-” Javi sighed “You saw me. All of me, at my worst. And you still thought that I was worth fighting for.”

Sergei didn't say anything, but the look in his eyes told Javi everything.

“Huh.” Sergei muttered finally, poking Javi's nose, his smile so fond Javi's heart melted a little bit “So you really can be romantic if you want to.”

“I'm trying, from time to time, so you don't dump me.”

“As if I ever was going to. You're like, my long time investment-”

“Oh my god, shut up.” Javi chcuckled, pressing his palm to Sergei's lips “Why did I have to fall in love with you, of all people?”

“Well, you had no chance against my epic seduction plan.”

“Well-” Javi mumbled, leaning in closer again and closing his eyes, feeling sleep taking control over his body “- that sounds about right.”

 

 

When they woke up it was close to noon and before they got themselves all cleaned up and got downstairs for breakfast, it was really a noon and the restaurant was pretty empty, if not counting a few sleepy faces.

“Hey!” someone waved at them and Javi saw Valentina's wide smile “Come here guys, join us!”

She was sitting with Elene, who looked like she was having the worst hangover of his life.

“Hi guys! What's up, Elene? Was there some party I didn't know about?”

“You wouldn't come anyway, I bet you had better plans.” she muttered, giving him a side eye and Vale snorted loudly.

“Sorry.” she said with a grin and Javi smiled back at her. He remembered the time they had used to train together, and he remembered her kind smile. She probably knew, or at least suspected something, but had never made a comment and Javi was okay with that.

“So, how are you guys doing? I've felt like I haven't talked to you in ages.”

“Well you know.” Sergei smiled at her, sitting down next to her “Training and trying. Failing, in my case- ouch!” he yelped when Javi kicked his ankle “Not cool, I might need that later.”

“You need your brain, that's what-”

“Guyyyys.” Elene groaned, hiding her head in her folded arms “Stop making my heeadache worse.”

“Sorry.” Sergei grinned at her, not apologetic at all.

 

* * *

 

They both were leaving on the next day in the late evening, and they didn't have to bother with gala, so they had some time to themselves, and they decided to use it well. They went for a walk, to get food, watched tv cuddle on the bed. It felt a little bit like 2011, stolen days in Fukuoka before everything had started to fall apart.

“Do you think you will go to the Olympics?”

They were sitting in Javi's room, just holding each other and not saying too much.

“What a serious question.” Sergei chuckled, his breath fanning over Javi's temple.

“I'm very serious.”

“Mhh.” Sergei hummed and he didn't say anything for a momet “I don't know. It might be difficult. We've only one spot, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the first choice for now.”

“You need to do good at euros and they won't have any other options.”

“Are you saying I should beat you?”

“Well okay, not that good. Take your silver.” Javi decided and Sergei chuckled.

“Yeah, we'll see about that.” he announced and then exhaled softly, nuzzling into Javi's hair.

After that, they didn't say a word until they fell asleep a few minutes later, hands joined and two hearts beating against each other.


	36. we're in this game together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi takes Brian's advice and doesn't regret it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long-ish break guys, had to do some planning but I think I'm back on track!

When Javi walked into the club for the first time after going back from Japan, he almost immediately bumped into Yuzuru, who was looking at a soda machine as if it was his greatest enemy.

"It won't get scared of your deadly glare, you need to put a coin in." Javi said and Yuzuru span around, his face lighting up with a smile.

"Javi!" he exclaimed loudly, jumping in for a hug "You're back!"

"Obviously." Javi chuckled, hugging him back "You have any problems with that machine?"

"It steal money." Yuzuru pouted when they pulled back "I put money but can still inside."

"Huh, let me take a look." Javi hummed before deciding to use simple power and punch the glass with not too much force, and of course nothing happened "Damn, it works on movies." he sighed, searching his pockets and fishing out a few coins "Okay, try to pick one now."

"It work!" Yuzuru exclaimed happily twenty seconds later, clutching a can in his hands "Thank you!"

"Sure." Javi smiled with a shrug and Yuzuru tilted his head a little.

"You okay?" he asked tentatively and Javi sighed.

"I'm good. Sorry for not bringing you a medal, though."

"Is okay." Yuzuru said, smiling warmly "I just want Javi skate best."

"Best. You mean better than you?" Javi teased and Yuzuru narrowed his eyes, thinking.

"No better than me." he decided after a moment, sounding very serious "But for silver in Sochi."

"That's generous." Javi chuckled, not offended at all "Okay, drink your soda, we need to get to the ice soon if we don't Brian to yell too loud."

 

Trainings were going pretty good now, which was only making Javi even more regretful about that damn NHK. There wasn't even a mathematical chance to get to the final now, but Javi still was hoping for a good result on Rostelecom. He couldn't wait to have some redeeming skate, something that would not only show that he was in a good shape, but also boost his a bit low confidence.

"That was good one, Javi." Brian smiled at him at the end of a day "Could you take your skates off and come to my office for a moment? I'd like to talk to you about something."

"Am I in trouble?" Javi asked jokingly, not really anxious, becaus he knew he hadn't given Brian any reason to scold him.

"No, don't worry." Brian shook his head, and his expression was unusually soft.

"So, Javi." he started five minutes later when they were sitting in his office "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay." Javi said, a bit surprised "Did I do something wrong today or-"

"No, no." Brian shook his head quickly; he looked unusally unsure and that actually made Javi feel a little bit stressed.

"What is it, then?"

Brian looked at him for a moment before sighing quietly.

"Javi, I just want you to know that everything I say is just because I think what's best for you."

"This sounds really serious, now." Javi chuckled nervously and Brian gave him a gentle smile.

"I was wondering if you wouldn't like to talk to someone." Brian said finally and Javi narrowed his eyes, confused.

"To whom?" he asked dumbly and Brian gave him a pointed look, and Javi blinked rapidly when he finally got what it was all about "Oh."

"I'm not saying you have to." Brian said quickly "But I started to wonder if this- you have some problems sometimes, Javi, and I thought that maybe it's because you feel like there's too much you have to deal with."

"Basically you think that the reason for my flops is my head?"

"I'm not saying that, Javi." Brian said gently "I just- I think that it would do you good, to talk with someone. About everything, past and current." he said and Javi didn't miss the way Brian's eyes clouded while saying _past_.

"I'm fine." he said quietly, feeling a bit uncomfortable. He knew that Brian only wanted to help, but Javi didn't like when people were worrying about him too much. There were reasons he was trying to smile all the time, and he was always feeling strangely vulnerable when people could see through his facade.

"Okay." Brian said softly, looking at him with gentle expression "But maybe give it a thought, okay?"

"Yeah." Javi said, giving him a strained smile "Okay."

 

* * *

 

He didn't plan on giving it a thought, and he for sure didn't plan on following Brian's advice. Sergei, on the other hand, had an entirely different opinion.

"I think you should think about it." he said and Javi made a face, hoping that Sergei could see his unexpected expression on the screen.

"You think I have mental problems?" he asked, aiming to sound sarcastic, and Sergei sighed deeply.

"We both know that you had some issues." he said gently and Javi bit his lower lip, because he knew he couldn't argue with that. He had used to have major problems with anxiety, and he still had some sleeping troubles, but he never thought that they were issues that would demand psychological help. It sounded way too serious for what it was, at least for him.

"I know, I know." Javi sighed "But this is sounds like a bit too drastic measure?"

"You're the only one who thinks that." Sergei said gently, his face full of some gentle fondness "Look, baby, I don't want to tell you what you have to do. But I know you, and I know what's happening in that head of yours, and I think it would be good if you talked with someone about going on, sometimes."

"I talk with you."

"And you know that I'm always here for that." Sergei said with a soft smile "But I can't help you with everything."

They had had conversations like that in the past, but Javi always thought that he would manage, somehow. And he did, usually. He had learned how to handle himself, and how to make things better.

"Okay, we don't have to talk about it anymore." Sergei said, clearly noticing Javi's conflicted reaction "Mom is really excited you'll be in Moscow. I actually promised her that you're coming over for dinner and all."

"I guess I have no other choice than to come then, huh?" Javi wondered teasingly, grateful for change of the topic "She misses good old times when I was coming over four times a week?"

"You bet. We were so entertaining."

It felt like such a long time before, when they had been in Moscow, navigating their way through the relationship that was still new and fragile back then. Now, things weren't always easy, but at least they both knew where they were standing and what they wanted.

"Oh we were." Sergei chuckled and Javi smiled at him.

"How is training going, by the way? Already thinking about your nats?"

"I always think about nats." Sergei announced dramatically, but then shook his head with a sigh "I need to go for europeans if I want to have even a shadow of a chance of going to Sochi. And I'm not going to lie, I want to go. I don't think I can hold up till Pyeongchang."

"You'll be skating longer than me, you'll see." Javi said and Sergei snorted.

"Yeah, I don't think so, I feel like my knees will be in pieces before the end of the next olympic cycle." he said and glanced somewhere over the screen, and made a face "Okay, I need to run before I earn myself some yelling. And please-" he hesitated for a second, his smile softening "-think about it, okay?"

"Okay." Javi sighed, knowing what he meant "I will."

 

* * *

 

After talking with his mom, he ended up going. She knew very well about his troubles, since she had been the one taking him to a doctor all the years back, but he had walked out of there with a box of sleeping pills that turned to be absoutely worthless.

So now he was sitting in a very nice office, the walls around him calmingly white and blue, and he smiled nervously at the elderly woman sitting on the other side of the desk.

"It's nice to meet you, Javi." she- doctor Walsh- said, smiling at him, and Javi noticed that her eyes were strikingly blue.

"You too." Javi nodded. He didn't really know what to say, how to act, but doctor Walsh took the lead with practiced ease, and after a moment Javi felt himself relaxing a little.

"I haven't watched figure skating in ages." she said with a smile when he told ger what he was doing "Maybe I should give it a shot, watch the olympics next year?"

"Why not." Javi smiled, scratching the back of his neck "I'm going to try my best."

Doctor Walsh looked at him for a monute before tilting her head a little.

"I have a feeling it wasn't your idea to come here."

"No. My coach suggested that." Javi explained "I have some rough time, during competition sometimes, and he thinks-" Javi shrugged, not really knowing what to say "- I guess he thinks that I can't hold on mentally."

"Do you think the same?"

"I- I don't know." Javi admitted "Maybe in the past, I was getting too nervous, but I actually think it's getting better lately."

"But still, something happened that made your coach think like that." the doctor noticed gently and Javi sighed.

"Well yes, but it was- it was more of a personal issue." he said and she smiled at him encouragingly, and Javi knew that if he wanted that visit to have a point, he needed to be honest "So-" he laughed nervously "I have a boyfriend. But we need to keep it away from the public."

"And why is that?"

"He's also a skater, we compete against each other. Also, he's Russian." he said and doctor Walsh nodded with understanding.

"Is this relationship the reason you're getting distracted during competitions?"

"No, no!" Javi rushed, blushing a little "But- uh, on the last one someone found out, and it made me crash down, a bit."

"I see." she hummed "Would you mind telling me about you and your boyfriend then? How long are you together?"

"Since 2010. Summer." Javi said, smiling a little; it was always making him feel warm, to say it out loud, a confirmation of what they had "We were training together and it just- clicked."

"Is he the same age?"

"Four years older, but acts younger most of the time." Javi couldn't help but say and a corner of her mouth twitched with amusement "He wanted me to come here, too. I-" Javi hesitated and she looked at him searchingly.

"Yes?"

"I used to have pretty serious anxiety problems, a few years back." Javi admitted, feeling his cheeks reddening; he knew that there was nothing to be ashamed of, but he still didn't like to talk about it.

"You never went to a doctor?"

"I did, but, uh, to a general one." Javi asked, slightly embarassed "I got some sleeping pills."

"So you had sleeping problems?" she asked and Javi nodded "Do you still have them?"

"Sometimes." Javi admitted quietly and she looked at him with attention, her expression soft.

"Would you mind telling me how it all started?" she asked and Javi felt a lump forming in his throat.

"Yeah." he said, swallowing hard "I can do that."

 

* * *

 

"How it went?" Sergei asked when Javi called him later that evening, and Javi made a face at him, throwing himself on the sofa.

"It was good? She was really nice." he said, grimacing "I might have cried a little, tho."

"Oh no, what happened?"

"We were just- talking about past." Javi admitted and Sergei's expression softened.

"I see." he said gently "You're okay?"

"Yeah." Javi sighed, fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt absently "Just- I used to think that- that it meant that I was weak."

"You're the last person I'd call weak." Sergei said quietly and Javi smiled at him, his heart fluttering "I'm just glad you're feeling okay."

"I'm good, really." Javi smiled and then yelped loudly when Effie decided to sneak up to him and jumped on his chest, purring loudly "Ouch, Effie, you're too heavy to do that, what the-"

"She's not too heavy, how dare you!" Sergei exclaimed, but Javi couldn't really see him, since Effie decided to nuzzle against his face and prevent him from giving his attention to anyone else.

"Okay, princess, move a little so I can finish talking to my boyfriend." Javi said, patting Effie's head a little, and she seemed to understand, because she let out an offended huff and curled by his side "Yeah, sorry for that."

"Nah, that was adorable." Sergei chuckled "But you're always cute, so I'm not surprised.'

"Uhh, why always adorable?" Javi pouted at the screen "Why not sexy?"

"Are you trying to trick me into listing all the things I found sexy about you? Because if so, you need to find yourself a comfortable position, it's going to take some time-"

"We do I even go somewhere else when I have you to boost my confidence?"

"I only speak the most true of truths." Sergei announced "Now shut up and tell me tell you in great detail how much I love you."

"You spoil me."

"Just giving you what you deserve."

Someday in the past, Javi wouldn't have believed that. But now, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Javi is flying to Moscow and things are getting kind of dramatic.


	37. and I'll hold you with such delicacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slides in* what's up, I'm back, the boys are back, let's see what happens in here!

The sky above Moscow was grey and stormy, and Javi gritted his teeth as the plane shook, tearing through the thick clouds. He was still getting kind of uneasy on planes sometimes, especially in situations like that, when he was so aware he was sitting in a metal can flying in the air.

"Everything good, Javi? You look a bit uneasy." Brian said, smiling from his seat next to him, and Javi shrugged.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit tired, and the shaking is not helping."

"I don't think you slept much on the flight."

"It's okay, I'm not too tired." Javi gave his coach a small smile "Actually... I wanted to thank you. For suggesting that I should talk with someone."

"Yes?"

"Mhh. I think it's really helping me, with some things. I was a bit- well, a lot- sceptical, in the beginning, but now I think... it helps me sort some things out."

"I'm glad." Brian nodded, smiling softly "I just want you to feel comfortable, you know?"

"I know. And I'm really grateful."

It was one of the things Javi liked the most about Brian. That he was so understanding, and that he cared about more than just about results. Javi really felt like he could rely on him, and that was bringing him a feeling of safety that sometimes still felt like something brand new.

They landed safely, although there were moments Javi was doubting they would, and when they finally got to the hotel it was late, cold, and Javi just wanted to throw himself to the bed. But first things first- he texted his mother, Cortney, his boyfriend, and then decided to spend way too many minutes under a shower, trying to put himself in a good mood before the competition. He had something to prove, after that disastrous NHK. He would do great, get a medal, and then he would grab a dinner with Sergei and his mom, and after that they would celebrate a little. There was something to look for, right?

When he finally got back to the room he wasn't really surprised to see a bunch of messages, and he grinned to himeslf as he jumped to the bed, phone in his hands.

 

_> I can believe, it's so cloudy it had to be shaky_

_> I hope you didn't drown in the shower_

_> …_

_> I'm half sure you fell asleep in there_

_> Okay call me when you come back to life_

_> Unless it's after 23 then don't call me I will be sleeping_

 

Javi snorted at that and dialed Sergei's number, bringing the phone to his hear.

“Well I don't know what you're doing, it's twenty minutes after the deadline.” Sergei deadpanned when he answered and Javi chcuckled.

“Oh I'm sorry, then why are you answering?”

“You woke me up.”

“Well then why did you pick up?”

“I don't know, I guess I love you, in the end.” Sergei said dramatically and then chuckled quietly “How are you feeling? All good after the flight?”

“Yeah. Just a bit tired, but maybe I'll fall asleep easier. You?”

“Good.” Sergei said and Javi narrowed his eyes suspiciously, noticing that his voice was a bit muffled “Well, I feel a bit off, but it's nothing.”

“Wait, wait, what exactly you mean by off?”

“Like, I might... have a flu. Or something.”

“Or something? And you're claiming to be older? Get yourself to a doctor.” Javi ordered and Sergei chuckled, and Javi just now realized how tired he sounded, and he felt a sting of guilt.

“Go and sleep it off. And go to the doctor if it doesn't pass.”

“I will. I'm not a child, you know.” Sergei said and Javi clicked his tongue at that.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Fine, fine.” Sergei sighed and then cleared his throat “But you know, I think it will be better if we see each other after you're done with competition. So you don't catch anything.”

That was rational, and responsible, but Javi couldn't stop himself from whining.

“Noooo!” he let out before sighing quietly “I'm sorry. Yeah, that might be good. Just don't forget to watch me and, you know, talk to me later how much you liked my programs.”

Sergei laughed at that, loud and bright, and Jav's heart fluttered, becaused he wanted to hear that laugh in person so much. But they had learned in the past years that they had to try their best to separate everything as much as they could, and meeting in person had to wait.

Good thing they were pros at waiting now.

“Okay.” Sergei hummed tiredly “Go to sleep now, you had a tiring day.”

“You go to sleep, you had a... tiredest day.”

“Oh, you master of English.” Sergei chuckled and Javi let out an offended gasp.

“Excuse me, you're the one to talk, you pretend you don't understand anything when they ask you!”

“That's my amazing tactic.” Sergei stated before letting out a yawn, and Javi's heart melted.

“Okay, that's it.” he said softly “Sleep well.”

“I will.” Sergei muttered “You're not so far away anymore, it's like I could feel your presence.”

“Shut up, you sap.” Javi chuckled, feeling overwhelmingly warm “And I love you too.”

 

* * *

 

Third after the short wasn't too bad, Javi thought, sitting at the press conference and looking at the journalists in front of him, but not really thinking about them. He would rather listen to Max, who was sitting next to him, rightfully in the middle, clearly excited about his result. It was so nice, to see his little Russian brother doing so well and growing up, his programs more mature with every season.

Max was in the middle of a very vivid speech, so Javi decided to check his phone very discreetly.

 

_> Good job! I'm proud of you!_

_< Thank you _

_< Max was so good tho_

_> he's so cute pretending to be all intense isn't he?_

 

Javi almost snorted at that, but collected himself quickly, stealing a glance around before typing again.

 

_< How are you feeling?_

 

The response didn't appaear for a long moment and Javi scrunched his nose, but then he vaguely heard his name being called and he had to bring his attention to that. It took him some time to answer the question, as it was kind of complicated one; then the conference ended and he was surrounded by a bunch of other people, and he ended up checking his phone almost half an hour later.

 

_> All good. Good luck in the free!_

 

His free was less than impressive, but at least it still let him end up on the podium. Still, it was frustrating that he still wasn't able to perform like he damn knew he was capable to. Still, he had a feeling he did better than on that cursed NHK, and well, it was all over and he could relax a little and maybe not think about skating for a few hours.

Well, it would be good if his boyfriend decided to answer his damn phone.

“Unbelievable.” Javi muttered, throwing his phone on the bed and then flopping next to it. He was slightly irritated, slightly annoyed, and a tiny bit concerned. Seriosuly, they had a deal, was it so hard to pick one stupid button-

In that exact moment his phone rang, breaking Javi's train of thought, and he shook his head when he saw the caller's name, smiling a bit.

“Finally, I was getting-”

“Hello, Javi.”

Javi froze for a moment, blinking rapidly in surprise, not expecting to hear that voice.

“Uhh, hello.” he said awkwardly, already cringing at his terrible Russian accent “I'm sorry, but why, uh, why are you calling me, from Sergei's phone?”

“Because he really can't.” Sergei's mother sighed deeply, and she sounded exhausted “He's sick, and he's sleeping a lot.”

“Oh.” Javi flinched, something weird and cold settling in his stomach “Is it, uh, is it bad? He didn't tell me anything?”

“Of course.” she said before muttering something in rapid Russian, something Javi couldn't understand “Javi, maybe you could come here? To my place, he's here. Just- I think it would be better.”

“Yeah, okay. Right.” Javi muttered, feeling weird and confused “Yeah, I'm going.”

He was so confused and concerned he almost got in the wrong bus, feeling a bit lost in that enormous city he had used to live in. But after a bit over an hour and two bus changed he was standing in front of the familiar door, pressing the door bell.

“Hello, Javi.” he heard for the second time that day when Sergei's mother opened the door, giving him a smile that was both tired and relieved “I'm so glad you're here.” she said, letting him in and then closing the door behind him.

“Of course.” Javi smiled at her “But I still don't know what's going on? Is he okay? He was mentioning some flu, but-” he stopped when he noticed how she winced.

“No flu.” she said, shaking her head “Pneumonia.”

“What?” Javi exclaimed, and she sighed again.

“The doctor said it's okay for him to stay home, rest and take meds, but-” she shook her head again “I told him to tell you, but he was stubborn. But I took his phone when he was sleeping and saw all the calls, and decided to call you back.”

“Yeah.” Javi muttered absently, his mind occupied “Thank you, I- uhh-” he sighed. He was both worried and slightly angry, honestly, and he wasn't sure what to think beside that “Can I go to him?”

“Of course.” she nodded, giving him a smile “Just- just don't yell now. You can after he gets better, you have my permission.”

“Okay.” Javi chuckled despite everything and her smile widened.

“I'll prepare you some tea.” she said “You still add one spoon of sugar?”

“Exactly.” he smiled before entering that familiar room he hadn't been ages in.

It was a bit dark inside, the lamp turned off, the only light coming from outside and the sky was pretty dark already. Sergei was lying in the bed, wrapped in at least two blankets, snoring quietly, and Javi's heart clenched. He quietly made his way closer, sitting on the chair standing right next to the bed and getting a closer look.

Sergei looked tired, and paled than usual, his hair even messier than usual, and Javi had to surpress a sigh.

Seriously, they would have to have a really serious talk, because that- that wasn't how it should be. Javi knew why Sergei hadn't told him about how sick he was, not wanting to distract him from the competition, but it couldn't stop Javi from feeling mildly irritated. They were supposed to be telling each other everything, and Sergei was the one always pressing in that matter, and now he was pulling something like that.

Javi didn't like it, but for now he focused on hoping that he would get better.

Sergei's breathing was regular and Javi tried to recall everything he knew about pneumonia, but all he knew was that kids and elders were going to the hospital for that, and that it wasn't as awful as it had used to be, with all the meds. So he convinced himself that there was no reason to panic, at least not too much.

The door opened quietly and Sergei's mother entered the room, a big mug in her hand.

“Here.” she muttered, handing him his tea before looking at her son, her expression softening “My poor, stupid boy.” she muttered, touching his forehead, gentle as ever, but her light touch was enough to startle him awake.

Sergei opened his eyes slowly, blinking and clearly trying to focus on the two people standing next to him. He looked at his mother first, but then moved his gaze to Javi, and blinked again, surprised.

“Oh.” he said weakly and Javi had to bit back the comment that wanted to escape his lips.

“Hi.” he sighed deeply instead, leaning to kiss his forehead “How are you feeling?”

“Good.” Sergei mumbled, moving into a half sitting position, ignoring his mother disapproving cough "Hi, Javi." he had the audacity to say calmly, as if all of that was greatly planned, and Javi sent him a dark look.

"I'm going to leave you alone, boys." Sergei's mother said with a sigh and a small smile "Remember our deal, Javi." she added with a quiet chuckle before leaving the room, and Sergei lookied at him curiously.

"What deal?"

"That I'm not going to tear your head off. Yet." Javi grumbled and at least Sergei had enough decency not to laugh at that.

"You're mad at me." he stated the obvious and Javi made a face at him.

"No, why should I be? You just keep things from me and-"

"I didn't want you to worry."

"And I get that." Javi said calmly "But we're going to talk about it later, when you feel better."

"I'm okay, you don't have to worry-" Sergei started, but the rest of his sentence drowned in a cough "Okay, maybe I have a little cough. And my chest hurts. And I'm cold." he admitted and Javi sighed deeply.

"Move a bit." he ordered and Sergei did just that dutifully, blankets still wrapped around him tightly; Javi lay down next to him and in that moment all the remains of annyonance evaporated.

"You're so old but so stupid." he muttered softly, reaching to brush Sergei's hair from his forehead.

"You can't insult me like that, I'm dying." Sergei whined and Javi glanced at him pointedly.

"Two minutes ago you were insisting you were fine." he reminded him and Sergei pouted.

"I changed my mind." he said before closing his eyes and exhaling deeply "My head is spinning." he muttered and Javi's heart clenched.

"Try to get some more sleep." he said and Sergei muttered sleepily, nuzzling a bit closer "You can't do that, you know? You can't be the only one who has a right to worry. This is not what we're supposed to do."

There was no answer to that, but Javi didn't mind. Sergei needed sleep, and he needed some time to think. He spent some minutes like that before he realized that it was dark outside and he should figure out what he was going to do. After a moment of an inner debate he decided to ask Sergei's mother if he could stay, and he was sure that she would agree. Still, it was high time to make that clear, so he stood up carefully and left the room, as quiet as possible.

When he entered the kitchen he was busy with building a proper Russian sentence, so he didn't really notice anything until he heard someone clearing their throat. Javi blinked rapidly, coming back to reality, and he saw Sergei's mother sitting by the kitchen table, but she wasn't alone. There was an elderly woman by her side, with white hair and lips pressed in a tight line.

_Oh. Shit._

"Javi." Sergei's mother smiled at him a bit nervously, her words clearer and slower than usual "I would like you to meet my mom."

_Well fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell that the next one will be fun???


	38. you are my favourite medicine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've no idea what this is, also it's almost 2am so please don't yell about the typos, I swear I'm going to fix them all! And... I hope you enjoy?

Javi swallowed hard, looking into those icy blue ice staring into his soul, and he fought an urge to run away and hide.

"Hello." he said, his tongue feeling stiff "It's very nice to meet you."

He tried to be as polite as humanly possible, but he couldn't help but cringe at his own words, awkward and heavy accented. The older woman looked at him with expression that was sapproving to say at least, and Javi could feel his anxiety sky rocketing.

"Should I... go?" he asked, glancing at Sergei's mother with hope and she gave him a tight smile.

"I think it would be good if you sat with us." she said, and he appreciated her soft expression and the way she was speaking slow and clear and making sure he would feel a little bit more comfortable in that awfully akward situation.

"I'll pour you some tea." she said, standing up and immediately coming back with a big mug of tea, and Javi took a deep breath before sitting down, chosing the chair that was across Sergei's mother, not grandma. He couldn't help but glance at the older woman; he could see some resemblance between all three members of the family, similar features, bright hair, something in the way they pressed their lips in a tight line when they weren't too happy. And Sergei's grandma was very clearly not pleased with what she was seeing, and Javi wished he was anywhere but there.

On the other hand, it was kind of fascinating, to be finally able to meet her, that woman he had heard so much about. She was such an important person in Sergei's life, someone who had raised him, but who recently was causing him so much pain.

Maybe it was the high time, to finally meet her, and Javi felt a sudden wave of bravery, so he raised his head and looked straight into her eyes, staring at her in silence, his heart pounding.

"So-" she said quietly after what felt like the whole eternity, but probably wasn't longer than a minute "- it's you."

"Me?" Javi couldn't stop himself from asking and she narrowed her eyes, her frown deepening.

"The one to ruin my grandson's life." she said and Javi gaped, feeling like she just slapped him.

"Mom!" Sergei's mother hissed "Stop it!"

"Stop what? You know what I think about it, Nastya-"

"And you now that I think you're wrong!" Sergei's mother exclaimed, and it was the first time Javi saw her angry, her eyes flaming, cheeks flushed "Why can't you even try to understand?"

"There's nothing to understand, it's just wrong!"

Javi's heart plummeted and he was vaguely aware of the two women arguing now, too fast for him to follow, but it didn't matter. It apparently had no importance to her, who he was, what he was feeling. He was just someone who had appeared in Sergei's life and messed it up, putting him at risk.

He kind of understood her, Sergei's grandma. But it still hurt, to not be accepted like that. Javi could only imagine how hard it was for Sergei, to be rejected by one of the most important people in his life.

"You're going to wake him up." he said suddenly, without thinking, and they stopped talking, looking at him with wide, surprised eyes.

"What?" Sergei's mother asked and Javi shifted in his chair awkwardly.

"He was sleeping when I left." he muttered and her expression softened.

"Of course, sweetheart. Thank you." she said before turning to glance at her mother "We need to keep it down, he needs to rest."

The older woman didn't change her expression even a bit, still clearly displeased, but she nodded shortly, her sharp gaze fixing on Javi again.

"So, Javi." she said slowly "What are you doing here?"

"Mom!"

"I want to know."

"Oh." Javi swallowed hard "I'm here for a competition, and I came to visit." he said, quiet and unsure "I was worried."

She stared at him, searching, a little judging, and Javi felt like squirming, but he somehow was able to control himself.

"I don't believe you." she said suddenly and Javi gaped.

"Excu-"

"I don't trust you." she said firmly.

"Mom." Sergei's mother said quietly, her voice filled with tension "Mom, stop-"

"I don't even know who this boy is!" the older woman exclaimed, but then lowered her voice, her eyes flaring "And I can't believe that him...his father would-”

“Stop it.” Sergei's mother spat out “Don't you dare. Don't.”

Her eyes were blaring and her expression was set in stone, angry and moved. Javi found himself holding his breath, looking at the two women in front of him, so similar to each other but at the same time so different.

And then, to his utter surprise, Sergei's grandmother exhaled deeply, deflating, and she suddenly looked incredibly tired. She sighed, shaking her head and then recached out, caressing her daughter's cheek gently. She murmured something, too low and quiet for Javi to understand, but the younger woman's face crumpled, like a petal being crushed by careless hand.

"Excuse me." she muttered, giving Javi a pale smile before standing up and leaving, and a moment later Javi felt a familiar click of the bathroom door.

Javi swallowed hard, confused and anxious, and looked at the woman sitting in front of him, and he knew that if he wanted to somehow convince her, he had to speak now.

"I understand." he said slowly, careful not to mess anything up "I understand that you don't... accept." he cringed a little, but he knew he had to keep going "And I understand that you don't like me, but please-" he stuttered a little, glancing behind himself, at the door to Sergei's room "He misses you, and he needs you. Don't push him away just because he loves me."

She didn't say anything, just kept staring at him, her blue eyes sharp and unreadable, and Javi's stomach clenched anxiously, and he decided that he had nothing to lose, so he took one more step.

"I know I might not be convincing, but I love him. Very much."

It wasn't that many words, but when Javi stopped talking he was drained and exhausted, and he could only look at the woman sitting on the other side of the table, her eyes fixed on him, focused, searching.

"I know." she said finally, slow and quiet "I know, but I still can't-" she shook her head "I don't understand."

Javi knew, and he understood what was going on in here head. They had talked about it so many times, with Sergei and with his mother. Javi wasn't going to blame her, but he still wished she could find a bit more understanding in her heart.

Well, at least she wasn't yelling at him and calling him a creation of Satan, so maybe it was a win, in the end.

She stood up suddenly, breaking the eye contact, and giving him a tight half smile.

"You look like a good boy." she said, not looking at him and fiddling with her purse "But I still wish you weren't here."

With that, she left, and Javi just stayed there, glued to the chair he was sitting on, his hearbeat calming down slowly.

Well, it could've gone so much worse. He didn't get yelled at, or slapped, or anything. It stang, and he was feeling a little bit sorry for himself, but beside that... he was fine.

"She left?"

Javi blinked and raised his head, looking at Sergei's mother, who was standing by the door, her eyes a little bit red.

"Yes."

She sighed deeply and walked to the table, caressing Javi's cheek before sitting down heavily.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Javi said quckly "It's fine."

"I was always scared of that." she said quietly "I'm still scared. Here-" she shook her head "Sometimes I feel like it's never going to change, and I don't know what to think, or what to do. Because if people knew, that would be the end, and what would he do, then? What-?" her voice cracked a little and Javi's stomach churned as he reached to take her hand.

"I'm sorry." he said, quiet and honest "But it's going to be okay."

"I wish his father was still here." she mumbled "So I wouldn't have to do it all alone." she said and then raised her head rapidly, blinking and bringing back a soft smile on her face "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I got a little emotional." she said, standing up "Do you want to stay the night? I will get you some clothes."

"Thank you." Javi muttered, watching her bustling around, smiling as if nothing had happened, and he couldn't help but admire her strength.

Twenty minutes later, showered and dressed in too big clothes, Javi sneaked into Sergei's room, closing the door quietly, careful not to wake him up. He carefully got into bed, gently pressing himself to Sergei's back and wrapping one arm around his waist, making sure that a blanket was covering them both.

Javi exhaled deeply, closing his eyes and just wishing to fall asleep, when Sergei shifted a little, inhaling deeply and sleepily.

"I'm not asleep." he announced, his voice quiet and muffled, and Javi smiled slightly to himself.

"I don't approve that." he said, dropping a kiss to Sergei's nape "Go back to sleep."

"Mhh." Sergei muttered "I can. But-" he moved a little, turning around slowly so now they were facing each other "- was it a dream or did I really hear my grandma?" he asked and Javi swallowed hard, fingers coming to play with a fabric of Sergei's shirt.

"Yeah, she was there." he admitted and Sergei frowned.

"What did she say? Was she nice? Did she-"

"It was okay." Javi said quickly "Your mom got a bit upset, but it wasn't... that bad."

"But was she nice to you?"

"She-" Javi trailed off "She wasn't cruel." he said and Sergei's face crumpled, and Javi's heart stuttered.

"Don't worry about it." he said, caressing his brow "You need to rest, don't worry about it."

Sergei bit his lower lip, thoughtful, and even if the dim light of the room Javi could see how tired and conflicted his gaze was.

"When I first realized it, I panicked so bad." he said quietly and it took Javi a second to realized what he was talking about "I thought there was something wrong with me. And I tried to... ignore it. I was hoping it would go away, can you believe?" he chuckled, the sound strained and wet "It took me months to tell mom, and I could see- I knew that it was hard for her. And I know that it took her some time to accept it, longer than she would ever admit. That's why I never wanted to tell anyone else, because-"

"It's okay." Javi said quietly, cutting him off gently, seeing an unheathly blush on Sergei's cheek "And it's going to be okay, but you can't think about it now. You need to rest." he leaned forward, kissing his forehead, skin under his lips hot and dry.

"I don't want to." Sergei whined, keeping his eyes open with a clear effort.

"Yes you do." Javi said, smiling, a spark igniting somewhere deep in his chest and making him feel warm "The sooner you fall asleep the sooner you wake up, and if you feel better we can eat breakfast and stuff."

"Food is poison." Sergei muttered, finally closing his eyes and exhaling deeply "Hey Javi?"

"Hmm?" Javi hummed, moving closer so their foreheads were touching.

"Thank you."

"Of course." Javi murmured, closing his eyes "I'm here."

 

The morning started off pretty good. Everyone was in a pretty good mood, Sergei wasn't coughing and was cracking jokes, and his mother looked happy, no trace of yesterday's sadness in her expression. And Javi was feeling good too, relieved that Sergei was feeling better and that he wasn't asking details about the events of the evening, because Javi didn't really feel like relieveing that again.

But then, a little bit after 10am, his phone rang, and Javi saw Brian's name blinking on the screen, and he flinched a little.

"Hi, Brian!" he exclaimed cheerfully and Brian hummed with a slight disapproval.

"Well hello, Javi." he said "I'm glad to know that you're alive."

"What's up?" Javi asked, standing up and walking a few steps away.

"I just wanted to ask if you're planning to take that plane today that you've a ticket for or maybe you have some other plans."

There was a trace of disapproval in Brian's voice and Javi bit his lip, considering his options.

"I'm not going back today." he said, a bit louder than he intended, and he could hear how Sergei stopped talking suddenly, and Javi closed his eyes "I'm sorry, there is something- but I will be back in Toronto for our next training like planned, I swear."

"Javi." Brian said, failing at trying to sound stern "Is everything okay? Are you... in trouble?"

"No, no!" Javi rushed "I'm okay, there's just- I really want to stay here for a few days longer."

A moment of silence, and then Brian's defeated sigh.

"Okay." he said, sounding tired "Just, Javi- just let me know if you-"

"Of course." Javi said quickly. He was feeling bad, for causing Brian so much trouble, but he couldn't really explain him everything "Brian, I'm sorry, I-"

"It's okay, Javi." Brian sighed "You do you, just- well, I'll see you soon, right?"

"Yeah." Javi swallowed hard "Bye, Brian."

He ended the call and got back to the table, only to meet Sergei's stern gaze. He would probably try to brush it away, but Sergei's mother didn't help at all, glancing at them and then announcing she had to do some laundry.

"Javi." Sergei said sternly and Javi swallowed hard, wrapping his hand around his coffee cup.

"Sergei." he tried and got an unimpressed look in return.

"You have a plane to catch."

"Not today."

"Javi." Sergei sighed "You have-"

"No." Javi said, suddenly feeling very sure "Stop it. I'm not going anywhere until you feel better."

"I feel good-"

"Like hell you are, it took you half an hour to get up from the bed today-"

"Javi!" Sergei snapped, his voice hoarse "That's exactly why I didn't tell you, because you-"

"Stop." Javi said, feeling something hot coiling inside him "We're not doing this now."

"Yes we are." Sergei said stubbornly "Javi, you can't risk your training, or a competition, because I'm a bit sick."

"You're not a bit sick, that's first. Second, this is my choice, and I'm not stepping out of this flat until you are cured."

Sergei opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but then he just sighed tiredly, and Javi just felt bad for basically making it an argument. So he shook his head, trying to get rid of every tiny bit of negative emotion, and he reached to touch Sergei's hand.

"Look, I don't want to fight about it." he said quietly "Just... I guess I'm still a bit angry that you didn't tell me? So now just... let me stay here, okay?"

"You now I didn't tell you, right?" Sergei muttered and Javi's heart fluttered, despite everything.

"I do." he said softly "I do, but... you once told me that we had to talk to each other. And it works both ways, you know?"

"I know." Sergei sighed "And... I'm sorry, but-"

"It's okay." Javi said, reaching to touch his face "We don't have to talk about it. And now, you're getting back to bed.

"Only if you're going with me."

"Wow, the fever makes your jokes even worse." Javi chuckled, but his heart still skipped a beat "But I guess it's still enough to pick me up."

Sergei chuckled at that, quiet and a little bit tired.

"Well I'm glad it's still working." Sergei announced when they were going back to his room "I'm trying so hard to keep you, you know-"

"Don't worry." Javi chuckled as they were getting into bed and he was making sure Sergei was properly covered "I'm a lost cause."

Sergei hummed at that, closing his eyes and exhaling deeply, and Javi's heart stuttered painfully when he looked at him. Sergei looked so pale, so exhausted, older than he was, and Javi's chest hurt with regret than he was missing out so much. He had no idea when those little wrinkles around Sergei's eyes appeared, or when his laughter became just a tad deeper.

It felt wrong, to be missing out so much.

But at the same time, it was something they had learned how to deal with. And it was okay, for the most of time, until moments like that came, when they could really see what they were missing out.

“I love you.” Javi whispered before he could start thinking about something even more difficult and painful “We just have to hold on a little bit longer.”

Sergei didn't answer, deep in his sleep, and Javi was gratefull for that. Sergei needed sleep, and Javi needed time to think.

He really, really had to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my love goes for all of you guys following this story through its ups and lows <3


	39. no one knows what it's like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter the author tries to bring feels but fails miserably. Also I've been to Moscow only in my dreams but I hope the scenes are okay?

The train arrived to the platform, the sound more quiet than Javi remembered. By some miracle he found a free seat, which always was a challenge for him, during every visit in Moscow. He was used to loud clicking of carriages, to people standing too close, the air always feeling too heavy. Javi sighed deeply, hands curling on his suitase, making sure it was secure, and he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the cool surface and closing his eyes. He hoped no one would pat his shoulder and look at him with eyes full of expectations for him to get up. He had to make it to the end of the line and then catch a bus to the airport, and he didn't feel like he could manage standing for that long.

He was feeling tired and sleep deprived, and the mere thought of spending the next hours in public transport and then going through all the check- in stuff at the airport- that thought was making him very unhappy.

He reached to his pocket, fingers wrapping around his phone. But he stilled and sighed, withdrawing his hand.

Not the best idea, probably.

 

* * *

 

_"What if you tell them we broke up?"_

_"Huh?" Sergei raised his head, his expression absent "What was that?"_

_Javi knew that it was his chance to back off and brush it away, but he swallowed hard, still believing that it was the right thing to say. He had throught about that for the past two days and figured that it could work, maybe._

_"Maybe you could tell your grandma. That we are not a... thing. Maybe she would-" he made a vague gesture with his hand and Sergei just stared at him, and for a moment he looked like he didn't understand, and then his expression changed._

_"It might be the dumbest thing you ever said to me, Javi." he said, sounding tired "What are you even talking about?"_

_"It's just-" Javi sighed, frustrated "I thought that maybe if she believes I'm not around she would-"_

_"It's not about you, Javi." Sergei said, sounding exasperated "It's not about you and who you are, it's about me. She just... it's easier for her to blame you, but even she knows that it's not about that."_

_Javi exhaled deeply, rubbing his face._

_"I just want to-"_

_"I know what you want to." Sergei said flatly, leaning against the pillow and taking a deep breath "But I kind of don't want to hear it anymore, unless you want to break up with me for real."_

_"What-? I would never-"_

_"Yeah, I hope." Sergei muttered, closing his eyes "You're giving me more headache than usual with your stupid ideas."_

_His voice was quiet, still hoarse with the sickness, and Javi felt a pang of guilt. He kind of felt like he didn't deserve that patience, but he was hoping that Sergei knew when he was coming from with that. He knew that it was already so hard, and so risky for him; and it wasn't only about his family, but also about what would happen if more people knew, if his federation knew. It would be a probable end of everything, and they both knew it, and Javi was still stunned how calmly Sergei was acting about it._

_Sometimes, in the moments like that, Javi wondered if he was really worth that risk._

_Hesitantly, he made his way to the bed and carefully fit himself next to Sergei, resting his head on his shoulder._

_"I'm sorry." he said quietly, bringing his hand to Sergei's chest and rubbing gently "I didn't want to upset you, I'm sorry. I-"_

_"I know." Sergei mumbled "I know where you're coming from, but I don't want to-" he chuckled tiredly "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"_

_Javi's heart clenched rapidly, and it hurt._

_"I'm going back to Canada tomorrow. In the evening."_

_A moment of silence and then sharp intake of breath._

_"Good." Sergei said, his voice quiet, and Javi looked at his face, but didn't see anything._

_He swallowed hard and closed his eyes._

_They still had a little bit of time._

 

* * *

 

Javi didn't know if he hated the Moscow metro or if he was lowkey in love with it. There were parts of it that would take his breath away, but there were some that he didn't like at all. There was so many memories of him being young and lost, and wondering childishly which train could take him back home, all the way to Madrid.

There were good moments too, when him and Sergei had been walking next to each other, letting their hands brush innocently from time to time, a secret known only to them.

Javi's temples pulsed with dull, nagging pain. He felt like he hadn't really slept well for those past days, lying awake and listening to Sergei's ragged breathing.

Someone cleared their throat right next to him and Javi looked up to see an elderly man looking at him intently and Javi blinked tiredly. He prepared himself to move up, not ready to deal with judgement, but the man's eyes softened when he looked at Javi's face. He said something, too rapid for Javi to catch, and then walked away, navigating through the crowd carefully.

Javi felt guilty, but he swallowed the feeling, glancing at the map hanging nearby.

Five more stops.

Javi didn't know how he was feeling, like everytime he was leaving Moscow. There was too much memories, too many complicated emotions to let him understand his feelings for that enormous city that could be both suffocating and so beautiful.

 

* * *

 

 

_"Why aren't you asleep?" Javi asked, brushing hair from Sergei's forehead and getting a small smile in return._

_"Because I woke up?"_

_"You can go back to sleep, it's barely 6am."_

_"I want to get a good look at you, before you leave."_

_"I-" Javi swallowed hard, fingers playing with a hem of Sergei's shirt now "I don't have to go yet-"_

_"Yes you do." Sergei smiled a bit wider "You have training."_

_"But you-"_

_"But I'm okay."_

_It was true, Sergei was feeling much better than before, but Javi didn't feel right with a thought that he was leaving._

_It had always been like that, and Javi sometimes thought that he knew how to do it, but now he couldn't help but wonder how he was surviving it every time._

_They had never asked each other what was more important, them or skating, because they both knew that the answer wouldn't be easy, and that they couldn't put themselves in that situation._

_Javi knew that Sergei was right, and he also knew that he would feel bad for skipping training. It was such an important moment of the season, the olympic season, and he had to focus, and train, train, train, they both had to._

_"Okay." Javi said, breaking his own througts "But now you're closing your eyes and going to catch some more sleep, okay?"_

_"Okay." Sergei whispered "Maybe I can dream about you. I'm used to that."_

 

* * *

 

The train reached the last stop of the line and Javi stood up heavily. He knew where to go, so it didn't take him long to find his bus. He leaned against the window, deciding not to try and nap, because that would only make him more cranky later. He would sleep on the plane, hopefully.

So instead of closing his eyes, he looked outside the window. It was late afternoon and the world outside was already grey and chilly, and the clouds were telling Javi that it would be shaking during the take off, and that it would probably snow a bit too.

Javi wasn't sure why he was feeling like that, nostalgic and anxious. It wasn't the first time he had thoughts like that, but that time it felt heavier, even more important. Sergei's health problems only made Javi realize once again how far away from each other they were for most of the time. What if something bad happened? What if Javi couldn't-

He shook his head, pressing his forehead against the cool glass.

He had to get a grip.

 

* * *

 

_"Aren't you scared?"_

_"Of what?"_

_"Of people knowing about us."_

_"Are you?"_

_"I am. But mostly because of what it would mean to you."_

_"Don't worry. I wouldn't have chosen to be with you if you weren't worth the risk."_

 

* * *

 

Going through the airport security took him much longer than he had been expecting, so when he finally found his gate the plane was already boarding so Javi stood at the end of a long line, suppressing a sigh. His fingers found the phone again and tha time he took it out, dialing a number before he could change his mind.

"Hi." he said quietly "I hope I didn't wake you up?"

"I'm not sleeping for a whole day." Sergei said gently "Are you on the plane?"

"Not yet. Standing in line." Javi said "Look, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry for being weird? I just-"

"You're just stressed, Javi. About the season, and about me. And I understand it, really."

"Yeah." Javi swallowed hard "How are you feeling?"

"I'm good. I hope the doctor will give me green light to do some stuff tomorrow."

"Be careful, okay?"

"Of course." Sergei chuckled and then sighed "You have a safe flight and try to get some sleep, okay?"

"Yeah." Javi said, voice catching in his throat "I love you. So much."

"I know. I love you too, even if you have dumb ideas."

"Which is always." Javi managed to crack a joke and Sergei sighed fondly.

"Just from time to time."

By the time Javi stepped into the plane, he was feeling a bit better.

 

* * *

 

He managed to make it on time for the planned practice; he was tired and jet lagged, but on time, so he didn't earn any scolding. Javi had been expecting some slight judgement when his coach took him aside for a moment, but got only a concerned look and a questions if he was okay.

"I'm fine." Javi said with a tired smile "Brian, I'm sorry-"

"You don't have to apologize, Javi." Brian sighed "I have to admit, I was a bit... displeased, but I can see that it was something important tha kept you in Moscow. And you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I need to know if I can help you somehow."

"Thank you, Brian." Javi said, feeling an overwhelming wave of gratitude crashing in his chest "I'm okay, really. It was something-"

"Personal?" Brian asked and Javi nodded "What can I say, as long as it doesn't affect your training... well, I hope it's all going to be okay. Now go back on the ice, okay?"

Javi did just that, but before he could go back to his exercises, someone stopped next to him and he felt a slim arm around his shoulders.

"What's up?" Elene asked loudly, straight into his ear "You look like shit, no offence."

"Thanks, Elene." he snorted, leaning against her shoulder for a moment "How are you?"

"Awesome. You better tell me what were you up to in Moscow so long, hmm? Long hot date?"

"More like my date got sick and I didn't want to leave."

"Oh." Elene's expression softened with worry "Is he okay?"

"Yeah. That idiot had pneumonia and didn't plan on telling me."

"Whaaat." Elene gaped and then shook her head "You wanna talk it over beer tonight? One, two tops, you will sleep better."

"I mean, why not? Yeah, that would be cool."

He knew that he would be tired, but he also knew that he couldn't go to sleep too soon, and it also would be nice to hang out with someone after those few intense days.

 

 

Elene decided to call for Cortney, and Javi wasn't surprised when he saw Michal walking in by her side, smiling a bit shyly.

"Hi." he said, shaking Javi's hand "She dragged me in here, but if you feel like talking about personal matters, then I can totally go-"

"Wait, are we talking personal matters?" Cortney asked and Elene snorted.

"Obviously?"

"So I can-" Michal started awkwardly, and Javi shook his head.

"It's okay, stay, just-" he rubbed his eyes before making a sudden decision "Just hope girls will keep a name of my secret boyfriend... a secret?'

Michal blinked rapidly and then smiled warmly and Cortney gaped.

"Fuck, I should've thought-"

"Shut up and drink your beer." Javi ordered, smiling. He liked Michal, who was just like... the other Michal, so Javi fugured he could trust him a little more than other people "So yeah, I'm having a bit... relationship problems? Or not really problems, just-" he shrugged helplessly and Michal smiled with sympathy.

"I think I know what you mean." he sighed "Long distance, right? I broke up with my girlfriend two months after coming here, so I guess I get you, man."

"Ah." Javi smiled back "Sorry."

"Nah, it happens-"

"I'm sorry, but are we forming like two groups or what?" Elene chimed in grumpily and Javi chuckled. Just a few hours before he had been feeling emotionally drained and exhausted, but now, catching up with his friends under the dim lights of the pub lights, he felt a lot lighter.

He took his phone and typed a quick _I love you_ , before putting it away, knowing that the message wouldn't be read for the next few hours.

It was easier to breathe in Toronto than in Moscow, despite everything, but Javi knew that it was just another stop on the way to some distant future that he could see in his dreams sometimes. It would be sunny and happy, free of judgement and harsh falls on the ice, free of anxiety and disappointments.

"Hey, Javi." Elene snapped her fingers in front of him "You there?'

"Yeah." Javi smiled, wider "I'm here."

It felt like he his life was divided into three parts, one staying in Toronto, focused on training and carefully thinking about Sochi; another one was in Madrid, in his parents' tiny apartment, safe and warm; and the last one was somewhere else, in Moscow, in a thousand hotel rooms scattered around the world.

 


	40. two lives, one life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay we're back on track guys! I decided to try and change the pov, we'll see how long it will last, but I kind of enjoy it hah  
> This chapter turned into some kind of character study but I hope you enjoy it?

Sergei coughed quietly, hiding his mouth behind his palm as he was slowly skating alongisde the boards, cooling himself off after practice. He caught Eteri's eyes and she nodded at him, a barely there smile forming on her lips before she turned her attention to girls that were just starting their own session.

To be honest, Sergei was relieved to be done with training for the day. His lungs still didn't feel the best and he was feeling a little bit out of breath. His doctor had told him to take it easy, but Sergei didn't really have time for that. Russian nationals were getting closer and closer, and there was no time for stopping. Sergei was a realistic guy, he knew his chances on beating Max were basically non- existent, but silver was in his reach. He had to get to Europeans in order to try and fight for that one olympic spot. He tried not to get his hopes up, too used to disappointments skating career could bring, but he could still imagine how great it would be. It was his last chance, probably, to ever go to an event like that. It would mean so much, to represent his country on its own soil.

He took a shower and quickly changed into his clothes, wincing a little when his knee throbbed with pain. It was normal, though, and after a moment he forgot about it. There wasn't a day without pain in the past... seven, eight years. He never counted.

It was freezing cold outside and the metro was filled with people, wrapped in jackets and scarfs and hats; he could barely get inside and when he did, he spent all the stops sandwiched between a window and an elderly lady with an enormously big bag. He wished he could sit down, rest for a moment, but he knew there was not a chance. So he kept on standing, trying to move the weight of his body to the leg that wasn't hurting.

When he got to his small apartment it was barely after 7pm, but the world was pitch black and cold, just it was good to enter somewhere bright and warm.

Sergei liked living alone. When he had been training in Petersburg he had to live with his mom in the tiniest of spaces, sharing the place with other people. After coming back to Moscow it was better, but now it was quite great, to have his own two rooms, his own kitchen, a shower that didn't have floor made of concrete.

It was a bit strange sometimes, though, when it was so quiet.

Quiet, and just a little bit lonely.

Sergei shook his head, turning the kettle on and trying not to get into one of those moods. It was rare for him, to feel sorry about himself, but sometimes he just couldn't help it, thoughts creeping into his mind and not letting him go for some time, not allowing him to sleep, to focus.

It was all good, though. It wasn't like he had no one to talk to. He had his family, he had friends, it was all good.

He just... couldn't talk with them about everything.

He sighed, annoyed with himself.

Really, there was no use in overthinking it. He had known since the beginning what he was signing up for, he knew it very well. He had known it would mean hiding, and secrets, and risk, and he still chose it.

And he still believed that Javi was worth it, despite all the hardships. He couldn't allow himself to doubt it, even for a second, because he was scared that if he did, everything would start slipping from his fingers and he wouldn't be able to stop it.

And that couldn't happen, because he was supposed to be the strong one, the one to keep it all together when Javi couldn't, spiraling down into a pit of anxiety and doubt.

They had been through so much of that already, and Sergei knew that in the end it was only making them stronger, but sometimes he couldn't help but wish it all was just a little bit easier.

And there he was, getting into the mood again. Pathetic.

It was a relief, when he could finally get to his bed and let his body rest. He felt old, in moments like that, his body too broken for someone who was barely twenty- six. And in moment like that he couldn't help but imagine how it would be to retire, in that exact moment. To just put the skated away and never compete again. His federation would like it for sure, and he could tell that it would calm his mother's mind too, if he would finally rest.

He wasn't done yet, though. And he wasn't a quitter either.

His train of thought was broken by rather loud ringing on his phone and he smiled to himself, knowing exactly who that was.

"Hey." he smiled into the phone and he heard Javi's soft chuckle.

"Hey there. I can tell by the sound of your voice that you're already in bed."

"Damn, you know me so well." Sergei chuckled as well "How are you? Done with training for today?"

"Yeah, I had 8am session and I'm dying." Javi complained dramatically "But I'm good, you better tell me how are you feeling? All good? You're not forcing yourself on training, right?"

"Woah, easy." Sergei laughed shortly "I'm okay. Not in the top shape but I'm getting there."

He could tell that Javi was worried about him, still, and that was making his heart clench a little. He didn't want to be a burden, not when Javi had so much on his shoulders already. But he really regretted not telling Javi about his sickness right away when he had found out. He knew that it wasn't fair, because he always wanted Javi to be honest with him but in that one case he couldn't do the same for him.

It was so complicated. Long distance was hard enough, but the fact that they were competing against each other was making it all even more difficult. And just like with Max, Sergei knew he wouldn't be able to beat Javi when he was in his top shape, but it was still such a fragile ground sometimes, trying not to distract each other during competitions.

"Hey, are you there?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm here." Sergei cleared his throat "I'm sorry."

"Wow, you're talking to me and thinking about something else, so rude." Javi teased, and it was good, to hear his voice being so light and filled with good humor.

"You know that I love you almost as much as triple axel." Sergei joked and Javi snorted at that.

"Well that's more than I ever expected."

"I'm generous."

"That you are." Javi chuckled before sighing shortly, hesitating for a moment, and Sergei knew what the next question would be.

"I haven't talked to her." he said gently before Javi could ask "And it's okay."

"It's not." Javi muttered "I- I think I made it all worse, to be honest, talking with her."

"Don't say that." Sergei said, hating that Javi could even think that "I told you, it's- it's about me, and there's nothing you could do to make it better, or worse. It's her who has to come to terms with that."

It was a thing Javi had easier than Sergei. That he had family that was fully accepting, and that he had friends he could talk to about it. That his career wouldn't be done if the world found out.

It wasn't a contest who had it worse, though. They both had to deal with everything that relationship was bringing them, all the amazing and all the hard.

"Don't worry, I will see her on Christmas, we'll see how it goes."

"Yeah." Javi muttered absently "We'll see. By the way, I'm planning to watch your nationals, since I'll be home and timezones won't be killing me too much. So I hope you beat all their asses."

"Well I can try." Sergei snorted "But Evgeni's planning to compete, so I don't know, some people want to give him the gold already."

"Ugh. You know I respect him, but if he steals you spot for euros I'll be pissed."

"Don't worry, save the date for me in Budapest, I'm not missing it."

"I hope." Javi sighed and Sergei could tell that he was smiling "I miss you."

"I miss you more."

"Not possible."

"Very possible."

"You're an idiot."

"That's also possible." Sergei agreed and Javi laughed at that shortly.

"I love you." he said softly and Sergei's heart skipped a beat, like everytime he heard those words.

"I love you too." he said quietly "And now I'm going to hang up and have some nice dream about you."

"Well that sounds fun." Javi chuckled "Goodnight. Sleep well."

 

His mom had asked him once what was so special about Javi that made Sergei fall for him. And to be honest, Sergei still didn't have an answer, not completely.

He remembered the first time he had noticed him, at some European championships years earlier, that Spanish boy with messy hair and big eyes full of wonder. He was a kid, back then, and Sergei didn't pay too much attention to him, too focused on his own things.

But then, years later, the fate brought the closer and Javi wasn't that boy anymore, and shadows under his eyes were too deep for someone that young.

And as it had turned out, it was impossible not to fall for Javi, who was kind and funny, and whose smile could put the sun into shame. He was a flicker of light in the world ruled by cold, and Sergei couldn't help but come closer, and closer, until there was no coming back.

He never regretted it, honestly. There were moments in which he had thought it was all over, there were sleepless nights full of longing and misery, and there were memories that sometimes still crept into his mind, reminding him of old cracks that had appeared in his heart.

He tried not to think about future too much. About leaving that country he loved, but that he knew he would have to leave, a choice he had made the moment Javi told him he loved him back. It was a sacrifice he knew he had to make, but it wasn't making him miserable. There were things they both had to give up, to make it all right.

In the end, Sergei was sure it was all worth it, and he knew he wouldn't give up on them, just like he wouldn't give up on skating just yet.

 

* * *

 

The olympic rink in Sochi was really nice. Blue, crisp, and currently filled with sea of people, the air buzzing with anticipation.

Sergei closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm the rapid beating of his heart, ignore the numb pain in his left foot that was nagging him since the short program. He just had to hang on to that third place, that was all, he just had to push a little bit harder.

"Remember what I told you." his coach said and he nodded, pushing himself away from the boards and slowly making his way to the centre of the rink, all the sounds muffled, and the only thing he could hear was a sharp sound on his blades carving the ice.

Somewhere there was his mom, probably nervous beyond belief, and next to her was aunt Ana who had decided to come last minute, her smile gentle and full of understanding.

And there was also Javi, sitting in his bedroom thousands of kilometres away, probably cursing the quality of the stream he was watching.

He could do it, if he tried hard enough.

He could, and he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Christmas time= family time  
> Also wow, 40 chapters and still a long way to go! thank you so much everyone for following this story <3


	41. Do we really live?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text in italics is a flashback!  
> (I'm sorry for typos, it's like, really late but I really wanted to update before leaving for the weekend!)

His mom always sensed when he was nervous.

"We don't have to stay long." she said softly as he tapped his foot, waiting for the light to turn green "We don't have to go at all, we can-"

"It's fine." Sergei said quickly, shaking his head and smiling, showing her that everything was okay "I'm just... a bit... unsure."

Unsure wasn't the best word, and his mom knew it very well, but she didn't say a word.

It was always a tricky time, Christmas. Family time, time of love, time of forgiveness.

Sergei wasn't sure how it would look like, that year. Last time it had been awkward and tense, and since nothing really progressed, they decided to just stop by for a dinner and not stay too long.

Sergei hated that it had to look that way. Most of his family still had no idea, and he was missing them, and he knew his mom was missing her siblings and cousins too. But he knew that the atmosphere would be tense and maybe even uncomfrotable in some moments, those few members of a family who knew and wasn't accepting turning everything around.

Well, at least aunt Ana was on their side. One person more trying to keep the situation under control if something happened.

And on the top of that, there was so much more things he had to carry. The nationals had drained him and he still didn't get the lost energy back. Training was hard those days, like during his lowest moments, and he had to grit his teeth and push forward, ignoring the exhaustion and pain; because there was a bigger goal, only a few days away.

When they reached his grandmother's apartment they were greeted by a lot of hugs and a few reserved glances from grandma and aunt Maria and her husband, but beside that it was... good. Not as uncomfortable as Sergei had been dreading. And when aunt Ana told him that Elena was paying a visit too, his mood improved a lot.

He found his favourite cousin on the balcony, when she was smoking cigarette and looking down at the street with a peculiar expression.

"Hey." he smiled and Elena flinched with surprise before looking at him and then grinning widely.

"Ah, my favourite cousin!" she exclaimed, and he rolled his eyes, leaning to kiss her cheek "How are you? Congrats on the medal by the way, I've heard you're going for euros now?"

"Yeah, I am." Sergei nodded, standing next to her and leaning against the railing "What about you? I didn't know you were coming."

"I wasn't planning to, but I found some nice last minute tickets and thought, why not? Nothing like grandma's food, am I right?"

"They don't have Russian restaurants in London?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not spending my money on that." Elena snorted, looking at him by the corner of eye "You still don't smoke?"

"I'll pass." he smiled and she sighed theatrically before grinning.

"Wise choice, probably. So, what's going on?"

"Huh?"

"I haven't been here in over a year and I feel like I missed a lot. Dad just mentioned your name yesterday and grandma got all choked up and made that weird face, you know which one? The same she made when we were stealing hot cookies. Like we committed the worst crime in the universe."

Sergei blinked rapidly, stunned, not really knowing what to say to that. Elena let out a bit of smoke and looked at him, her gaze searching but warm. He had missed her a lot, he was only now realizing how much. She had been his best friend while growing back, but after her moving to London a few years earlier they fell out of touch a bit.

He still knew he could trust her with everything.

"She's not happy with my relationship."

"Oh wow." Elena shook her head "What, you got yourself a boyfriend or something?"

Sergei winced, but he stayed quiet and her eyes widened.

"Oh shit." she said, crushing the cigarette in a small jar already half filled with old ones, and she immediately lightened up the new one "What are you waiting for, details!"

Sergei couldn't help but snort at that, all tension leaving his body in a second.

"You don't seem surprised." he noticed and she gave him a pointed look.

"You're not as sneaky as you think you are, you know." she said "I got the clue when we were on vacation in that vil-"

"Oh my god." Sergei groaned, rubbing his face "Don't go all smug on me."

"Whatever." Elena rolled her eyes "Now, let's back to the main topic. Details and pics, now."

Sergei shook his head, amused but to be honest, not that surprised.

It was good, to have Elena back, even if just for a moment.

"But before you judge, I need to tell you that he's a skater too." he said, reaching for his phone, and Elena gasped.

"Scandalous! Wait, so I probably saw him on some comp, right? Let me guess." she made a very fake thinking face and then widened her eyes comically "Is it Takahashi?"

"Oh my god, what." Sergei laughed shortly "I mean, he's fine as hell, but nope." he said, showing her screen with carefully picked picture and she gaped.

"Wait, is he even eighteen?"

"Rude."

"Sorry." she laughed, narrowing her eyes and looking more carefully "I know this one. He's Spanish, right?"

"Yeah. His name is Javi and yes, he's over eighteen."

"Well what a relief." Elena snorted "He's cute. And also it seems that he has a terrible fashion sense, so you're perfect for each other-"

"Even more rude." Sergei snorted.

It was good, to laugh about it. To talk with someone understanding who wasn't his mom.

"Damn." Elena sighed after a moment of silence "You got yourself some situation in here, dear cousin."

"Tell me about it."

"Everyone knows?"

"God forbid." Sergei snorted "Grandma's not really eager to talk about it."

His voice came out more bitter than he intended and Elena sent him a look full of sympathy.

"I would go on for much longer about how sorry I feel for you." she said, patting his shoulder "But I feel like somehow you don't regret anything, so I shouldn't be sorry."

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Sergei sighed, feeling some melancholy creeping into his mind again, and Elena smiled at him softly.

"What about we run for some drinks tomorrow, before you leave for euros? So we can catch up in some... friendlier environment?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." Sergei nodded before sighing "Okay, I feel like this is time to go inside or they will yell at us for alienating ourselves from them."

"Like good old times, right?" Elene chuckled "Good old times."

 

The dinner went surprisingly smoothly, no incidents, no ambiguous comments. And the food was great as always, so at least there was that. It was Sergei's luck that Elena was back after almost two years of absence and everyone was more interested in her; and if they asked him about something, it was mostly skating related, so nothing too awkward happened.

Well, nothing awkward happened during dinner, but later- it was a different story.

Sergei couldn't really remember the last time he had been alone with his grandmother. It had to be months, he thought, and that knowledge was like a thorn in his side, painful and nagging.

She had helped to raise him, and now she was barely looking at him.

It was okay. Or maybe he tried to convince himself that it was.

_You're too understanding_ , Javi had said once, and Sergei only laughed, because it was rich, coming from someone like Javi, who had a kind word for everybody.

Maybe it was just how he is. Maybe he had gotten it after his mom, and after his dad.

His heart skipped a beat and he winced, shaking his head slightly as he helped Elena collecting the plates.

It wasn't the right time to start getting nostalgic.

"Put it there." grandma told them pointing with a wet hand, her fingers coated with foam.

"Do you need help?" Elena asked and got an unreadable glance in return.

"Go back to the room." grandma said and Elena left immediately, grinning to herself, and Sergei remembered how much she always hating washing dishes.

He didn't follow her, though, feeling as if something formed in his chest, a decision he had thought he didn't have to make, but now thought differently.

"Do you hate me?"

There was a loud clang as his grandmother dropped a plate into a sink, the water preventing it from breaking, but the sound still startling.

She didn't look at him, but Sergei was feeling strangely calm. Numb, even, as if all those months had been preparing him for that exact moment, to ask that question and not be afraid of the answer.

"What kind of question is it?" she muttered, slowly resuming her work "It's not appropriate."

"Ah yes, because we only like appropriate things." Sergei said before he could stop himself, and she stopped cleaning again, finally turning to look at him. He could tell that she was trying to look stern, but she was failing.

To be honest, she looked tired. Older than she was, her eyes no longer shining as much as Sergei remembered.

It stang, a little. But that was just one more thing Sergei didn't have control over.

"I could never hate you."

"Right." he said quietly "You just don't like me."

"No, I-" she stuttered and Sergei felt kind of bad, for saying things like that, for pressing her. In the end, he understood everything what was going through her head, he had always known.

But maybe he was too tired to be quiet, in the end.

"It's okay." he said gently and she blinked, confused "I just want you to understand... there's not going to be anyone else."

"You think you and this boy are forever?"

"His name is Javi." Sergei said quietly "And I-" he sighed, trying not to let old doubts bubble into the surface "Maybe we're not. But I know that I'll never love anyone as much as I love him. No matter what happens, and no matter what you think. I'm just- I'm sorry, that it has to be this way."

She was still looking at him, unmoved, and he felt strange calmness taking over him. It was good, to finally say it, lay it out there, be honest.

He turned around, ready to leave and find his mom, go back home, when he heard her quiet, careful voice.

"He has very kind eyes."

That had to be enough, for now.

 

* * *

 

_"This has to be a secret, doesn't it." Javi said quietly, not really asking, fingers tracing Sergei's brow "For you and for me."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be." Javi shook his head, smiling a little, but then his expression dimmed a little "Do you-" he swallowed visibly "Do you want to-"_

_It was so obvious he didn't know what to say, and Sergei's heart stuttered, because he knew he had to be the one taking the lead now, letting Javi know that everything was going to be fine._

_"I do want it. This, with you." he said softly, and Javi smiled, nervous but warm "But you know how it looks like, for me."_

_"I do." Javi sighed "My federation wouldn't be too happy either, they still kinda hate me for moving here."_

_"Mine would kick me out in a blink of an eye." Sergei snorted "And my grandparents would probably disown me."_

_"Really? Are you joking?" Javi asked, eyes wide, looking at Sergei with all the shock his body could hold._

_Sergei shook his head a little, smiling. He felt some kind of temptation to tell Javi, what it really meant, what he was risking, even if it wouldn't be anything more than a brief summer fling._

_"It's complicated." was all he said "But my mom will love you, if you ever want to meet her."_

_"Oh yes?" Javi asked, smiling back "And your dad?"_

_A heartbeat, a soft exhale._

_"I will tell you about it later, okay?"_

_"Okay." Javi said quietly, his eyes telling Sergei that he understood "We have a lot of time."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Euros and some quality time together.


	42. just don't let me go (1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of Euros 2014

"I'm so tiiired!" Max whined dramatically, leaning against a cold wall of an elevator they were inside of "I feel like I need to sleep for like, twelve hours to be able to function properly. Do you think my coach would kill me for skipping practice?"

"Yep." Sergei nodded while Kostia just smirked, shaking his head a little "Mine would for sure."

"Because you train with the devil's wife." Max deadpanned while Kostia chuckled quietly, covering his mouth with his palm.

"Wow, so rude." Sergei sighed and in that moment the elevator stopped rather abruptly "Okay, my floor, see you later guys, get some rest."

"Yeah, sure, you wish us insomnia so you can beat us." Max said teasingly and Sergei laughed as he dragged his suitcase out of the elevator and to a corridor. He found his room easily and was pleasantly surpised with how nice it was, painted with pretty yellow and not some ugly shade of gray or green- ish. There was also a big window and a pretty good- looking bed, which promised good rest and also maybe other fun things.

Sergei smiled to himself, basically dropping his suitcase to the floor and then sitting down on the bed, letting out a quiet sigh of relief. The flight from Moscow hadn't been that long, but he was still feeling a bit tired. The last weeks had been demanding, but except of exhaustion he was feeling pretty good. He knew he was well- prepared, both physically and mentally, but he also knew that it could all turn upside down in a heartbeat.

He took out his phone and texted Javi his room number, just like he had asked, and then jumped in for a quick shower. It was as if hot water washed out some exhaustion out of his body, and it left him feeling refreshed and in a good mood.

He was just toweling his hair when he hear a rather loudly knocking to his door and he grinned to himself, warm sparks igniting inside his chest.

He had Javi in his arms three second after opening the door, barely letting it close, and he chuckled quietly.

"Hey." he muttered, wrapping his arms around Javi "You feel tinier than usual."

"Seriously, that's your greeting?" Javi scoffed before tipping his head up and leaning in for a kiss "So rude."

"I missed you too."

They stayed like that for a moment, just holding each other, foreheads pressed together, breathing in quietly and letting their bodies get used to that familiar warmth again. They hadn't been apart for that long that time, barely two months, but it wasn't really getting easier. They were used to that, to being apart, but it didn't mean that they suddenly learned how to stop missing each other.

"Okay, let me look at you." Sergei muttered finally, pulling back only a little so he could take Javi's face in his hands, getting a closer look "Hmmm."

"Don't make your faces at me." Javi pouted and Sergei chuckled quietly, stroking his cheeks.

"I just want to judge your haircut."

"Yeah, like you're one to talk about it-"

"I just miss the curls, okay?"

"Mhh." Javi hummed "How are you? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, all good. Lungs are good, knees are good, I'm so winning this thing."

"Sure." Javi snorted and then yawned shortly "Sorry."

"Nah." Sergei shook his head, running his hand through Javi's way too short hair "You want to stay and take a nap?" he offered and Javi smiled tiredly.

"That was my plan all along."

Javi fell asleep literally two minutes after fitting under the covers, and honestly, Sergei didn't mind in the slightest. He knew how big problems Javi had with battling jet lag, and what really mattered in that moment was that they could be close. It was gratifying enough, to be able share the space, look at Javi's face and feel his warm body so close.

And now, when he could stare at Javi without him complaining about it, Sergei noticed a few things that made him feel a little bit concerned. When they had hugged before he really thought that Javi was thinnier than before, and now he was actually pretty sure it was the case. There was also something in Javi's face, now relaxed in sleep, but Sergei could still see that his skin was paler and there were deep shadows under his eyes, signs of exhaustion and long, sleepless nights.

His heart clenched painfully as he reached out to carefully touch Javi's cheek, feeling his smooth, warm skin.

That season had been so challenging so far, for both their careers and their relationship. They had talked a lot, even more than usual, despite their busy schedules and messed up time zones. During those past few weeks Sergei could sense Javi's raising anxiety, even though he was trying to hide it, mask it with his usual humor. It was clear as a day, though, and Javi knew that hes facade was weak. Sergei hoped they would find a moment after the competition to talk about it, because now there was no time. It was an important event, and they both had to try their best to focus.

Sergei wasn't too anxious about his own performance, to be honest. He was feeling well - prepared, despite those few hard weeks. He knew that he didn't really had a chance against clean Javi, but silver was in his reach, and that would make his federation really consider picking him for the olympics. He knew it wouldn't be easy, that Pluschenko was still in the picture and that he had scheduled test skates soon. Beside that, Sergei still had to worry about Max and Kostia, who was lately a king of comebacks.

Sergei sighed deeply, feeling sleep finally creeping on him, so he closed his eyes, keeping one hand on Javi's hip securely as he shifted a little bit closer.

Everything felt simpler when they could be like that, close, quiet, warm. Everything was easy, even if just for a moment.

 

* * *

 

There was something about Two Guitars that made Sergei enjoy that program a lot. It was fun, and it was letting him be expressive, and he thought that it fitted him pretty well.

He knew it was going to be a good one when he hit the opening quad toe combo. It was a blur, and he could feel emotions raising inside him all they way until the end. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so satisfied with his performance, knowing that he performed at his maximum. It felt good, and he was so damn happy, and he could tell that his coach was pretty content, her smile tight but pleased. It was a good score, and he knew that he had done all he could.

It felt nice, to be able to show what he got.

Javi smiled at him brightly when they sat down at the press conference, the first moment together after short program ended; but they couldn't really let down their guards yet, a bunch of reporters in front of them and smiley Tomas sitting next to them, friendly and cheerful like always.

It was a nice conference, and Sergei was grateful he had Tatjana by his side. He kind of hated speaking in English publicly, as he was awfully aware of his heavy accent and all the grammar rules that were mixing up in his head. It was probably all because he had started learning the language so late, and now he felt too old to be stressing about speaking that dreadful language in public.

"Hey." Javi muttered when they were getting up after being done with the press "Congrats, you did great."

"Almost as good as you, huh?" Sergei teased and Javi rolled his eyes.

"No comment. Do you want to grab dinner later or are we keeping professional distance?" he asked with a very fake serious tone and Sergei snorted.

"Never heard. Text me?"

"You bet."

Javi smiled at him, bright and wide, and he clearly wanted to say something more, but then a lady from Spanish federation appeared, touching his elbow and saying something in Spanish, and Javi's smile turned apologetic.

"I'll see you later." he said quickly and Sergei nodded with understanding before deciding to go back to the hotel and maybe lie down for a moment. Nothing hurt him for the moment, but better safe than sorry.

"Hey!"

He blinked rapidly, hearing a familiar voice, and a moment later Elene was walking by his side, grinning widely.

"Congrats on the program, pretty nice." she said easily "Hyped for the free?"

"Obviously." Sergei chuckled, stealing a glance at her and seeing how her gaze turned searching "Why do I feel like you're about to start some interrogation?"

"Maybe." Elene hummed "Look, I don't want to distract you from your competition, but maybe, uhh, talk with your boyfriend when you have a chance."

Sergei stopped at that abruptly and so did Elene, eyeing him carefully.

"You're choosing bad moments for 'not distracting me'." he said and Elene winced.

"Sorry, I-"

"It's okay." Sergei sighed, rubbing his face "Thank you, that was my plan anyway. You have any specifics?"

"He's just-" Elene hesitated, clearly looking for a good word "A bit downbeat?"

"Yeah." Sergei muttered absently, thinking "Thanks Elene, good luck."

"You too. And sorry for-"

"No, that's fine." Sergei sighed "I noticed it too, just want to wait till there's a little bit less pressure."

He really wanted to talk with Javi about it. About his exhaustion and dimmed light in his eyes, but he also wanted to do good, to do the best he could, and for that he couldn't really allow them to have long, serious conversations that could evolve into some crying or even arguing.

They never tried to set priorities, what was more important, them or skating. And they both understood it so well, somehow managing not to mix everything up. It wasn't new, but it didn't mean it was exactly easy.

 

* * *

 

"Pasta." Javi stated firmly "Pasta is the best thing ever. I just decided." he announced, taking a bite of his spaghetti and Sergei grinned at him.

"Better than skating?"

"Mhh." Javi nodded and then his eyes widened as he swallowed quickly "And before you ask the next question... almost as good as what you're thinking about."

Sergei just snorted at that, kicking Javi lightly under the table.

Javi looked better than during that first evening, looking healthier, as if a good performance brought some light to him again.

"By the way, is your mom here?" Javi asked, changing the topic easily, and Sergei shook his head.

"She couldn't make it that time. Work and stuff." he said and he saw a shadow running through Javi's expression.

"Stuff?"

"Nope, we're not talking about it now." Sergei stated, pointing at Javi with a fork "Taboo, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah." Javi smiled and then tilted his head a little "I can see you're already making a list of all the things you want to talk with me about."

"Damn, I need to work on my emotionless face."

"You're not capable of that."

"Yeah, that's why I need it."

Sergei kind of expected Javi to draw the banter a little bit longer, but instead of that Javi just stared at him, still holding a fork in the air, and Sergei blinked rapidly.

"Hey, are you-"

"I love you."

Javi's voice was sure and quiet, almost drowning in the noise filling the hotel restaurant, and Sergei's heart stuttered a bit.

"Well it's good I love you too."

Javi smiled, a small, secretive smile. so different from the usual grin that could cover all the emotions he was feeling. Sometimes it was honest, sometimes he was trying to hide something, but that smile, the special one, was always real, an anchor in the world filled with secrets and pretending.

"Your hair still sucks, though." Javi added and Sergei laughed, making a face.

"Yeah, you're talking." he answered "But I guess no one is perfect, not even me."

Javi looked like he wanted to say something, but he only bit his lip, shaking his head.

There would be better time later, to talk, to smile, maybe touch the topics they hadn't dared to speak of on the phone. For now, they would enjoy the small moments, just how they had learned to.


	43. just don't let me go (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, hi? I'm sorry, I know it's been 84 years but I was struggling with this chapter so much :/ I'm not sure if I'm 100% satisfied with it but I really need to push it forward sooo here it is!

Sergei shifted his balance from one leg to another, noticing with relief that there was no pain or strain of the muscles, which was great and unusal and was putting him in a good mood. He was excited, and a little bit nervous, but he knew that he had that, to be honest. There was not real reason to fail, and he was strangely sure that he was going to do good, and maybe, finally, he would get that damn medal, after so many years of competing at European championships.

The crowd roared, clearly delighted with a performance that just ended, and Sergei took a deep breat, opening his eyes.

Now, it was his time.

 

* * *

 

Sergei liked the Spanish anthem. Not as much as he liked the Russian one, of course, but he loved the melody and he loved that little smile Javi was wearing while listening to it, his eyelashes getting just a little bit wet, a few drops the others or cameracs wouldn't notice. Sergei did see them, though, and his heart squeezed a little, even though his whole body was vibrating with joy.

He glanced down, at the silver medal hanging from his neck, and he surpressed the urge to touch it from the thousandth time. It was kinda unbelievable, but it also felt right, like after twety- three years of skating he finally, finally got to experience that.

Yeah. It was right.

The medal ceremony was fun, and Sergei was having a good time, posing for pictures and hanging out with Kostia a lot. He was so proud of his countryman, as much as he was proud of Javi, because climbing up from tenth to third? Pretty damn brilliant.

They got off of the ice, finally, and Javi sent him a tired smile as he walked away to talk with Brian and someone from his federation. Sergei glanced at a clock hanging on one of the walls and realized that he had exactly ten minutes till the press conference, and he quickly weighed his options. After thirty seconds he decided that no, he wasn't going to show up there in his red pants, so he rushed towards the locker room deciding that shower and fresh clothes were worth being maybe five minutes late.

Inside the locker room were still some guys, chatting loudly, and the all smiled and clapped for him, and he smiled sheepishly as he was walking towards his locker.

"Congrats."

He turned his head and saw Michal, who was sitting right on his left, looking tired and a bit resigned.

"Thank you." Sergei answered and then, after a second "Are you-"

"I'm fine." Michal sighed, waving a little with his hand "Just, you know. Fourth. What a surprise." he said sarcastically and then sighed again "Sorry, I don't want to bring a bad mood. Congrats once again, you were awesome. I will see you later?"

"Yeah." Sergei smiled, a bit awkwardly, clutching his clothes. They were all friends, or at least friendly, but it was always a bit... weird, in situations like that, because in the end when someone's dreams were coming true, someone else's were being crushed.

He shook his head, glancing at the watch and realizing that yeah, he was going to be late and it was going to be a bit embarassing, but at least he was going to feel a little bit refreshed.

 

 

It turned out to be a little bit embarassing indeed, rushing in with a slight delay, but Javi's smile when he saw him was so bright Sergei didn't really care about what impression he just had made. He was feeling pretty relaxed, since he had two great guys by his side and Tatjana saving his life with her translating skills, but then the first question came and honestly, he was already done.

He didn't know what he had been expecting. Maybe a qustion about his training? About how it felt to be finally on the podium? How he was feeling in general?

Nope.

"Who will go to the olympics?"

Sergei considered himself a calm person, really, but it took all his willpower to laugh and not show any annoyance. Did those people really think that he knew something, or that he had a say in anything? Because he didn't know anything, and he couldn't do anything except for waiting. It was kind of funny, though, when he thought about it. He was pretty sure that Max was out of the question, sadly, and that was making Sergei the youngest conteder for that olympic spot.

But beside that, the conference was pretty fun. They had a lot of opportunities to laugh together, all three of them, and it was so nice to see that Javi and Kostia were getting along so well. But, on the other hand, who wouldn't get along with Javi? He was like a ray of sunshine, bright and warm, even when his eyes were so tired like just now.

"Hey." he muttered, grabbing Javi's sleeve discreetly when they left the room "Everything okay?"

"Yeah." Javi smiled slightly "Just a lot of media to do."

"Same." Sergei said, cringing a little whe he thought about upcoming million questions about Sochi "You want to come over later? At whatever hour, you can sleep in my room."

"I'd love to." Javi murmured softly, smiling a bit wider before he was basically dragged away by someone in Team Spain jacket. Sergei followed him with his gaze for a moment before he was startled by a member of his own national team, and he realized that despite the competition being over, there was still a lot to do.

 

 

Javi came into his room a few minutes after ten pm, pale and looking a bit like death, and Sergei didn't say anything; he just stepped aside, letting Javi in, and then helped him get rid of his clothes and handed him one of his t-shirts. Javi smiled and then basically flopped on the bed, not even caring to cover himself with a blanket properly, so Sergei took care of that, and Javi exhaled deeply through his nose, his body relaxing visibly.

"I'm sorry." he murmured, shifting a little bit closer "You wanted to talk."

"It's okay." Sergei said, kissing Javi's forehead "We have a lot of time."

It was true, that they had some things to talk about, important things, but now they were both tired and in need of rest. It wasn't anything new, it happened a lot during a season, when they needed time to just... feel less exhausted. It was enough, to be just close for a bit.

Sergei sighed, kissing Javi's forehead again before closing his eyes too.

Sleep was always a good idea.

 

 

When Sergei woke up Javi was, surprisingly, already awake and blinking slowly in the dim light of probably really early morning. Sergei was blinking too, his gaze falling on that dreadful haircut once again and suppressing a sigh.

“Good morning.” he said and Javi blinked sleepily once again before closing his eyes and nuzzling against the pillow.

“Hiii.” he muttered “Do I have to get up?”

“No you don't.” Sergei chuckled, running his hand through Javi's short hair “But we have some other things to do.”

Javi stared at him for a moment before sighing quietly and sitting up slowly, rubbing his eyes.

“I need something to drink.” he whined, like a child he apparently was, and Sergei rolled his eyes but grabbed a bottle from his bedside table and handed it to Javi.

“Here you go.”

Javi sent him a bright, but at the same time sleepy smile before chugging half of the bottle and then giving it back, so Sergei could take a few sips too.

“So-” Sergei started, shifting so he was sitting in front of Javi with his legs folded “How are you feeling, huh? Two times European Champion?”

“Oh God.” Javi chuckled, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes “This sounds so weird, my brain can't take it. Like... how did this happen? How did I make it?”

“Well you did it because you're amazing.” Sergei stated the obvious and Javi smiled, his cheeks turning a little bit pink, and Sergei had to smile back, reaching out to caress Javi's warm cheek “Hey, don't act all surprised, I'm only speaking the truth.”

“Mhh.” Javi hummed, very eloquently, before leaning in and giving him a short kiss “You were amazing, you know? I'm so proud of you.”

“Pretty cool, huh?” Sergei chuckled before moving his hand to Javi's nape and gently making them pull apart a little “So, everything alright in here?” he asked, now touching Javi's temple and giving him a pointed look.

Javi scrunched his nose and tilted his head a little, as if he was weighing his options.

“It's okay. And I just won, so you know. Happy. What about your mom, how she's doing? And how was-”

“Okay, okay.” Sergei shook his head “Your attempts to change the topic are adorable but-”

“Hey, I'm really curious, okay-”

“Mom's great, I feel good, and you got an essay on Christams already.” Sergei recited, squeezing Javi's shoulder “And you, my friend, look like you haven't slept good in ages.”

“I slept good today.” Javi muttered, looking aside for a second before sighing deeply, his shoulders dropping “It's just... I feel it getting to me already.”

“Sochi?” Sergei asked gently and Javi grimaced, looking him in the eyes again.

“It's... I'm pretty good, right? Like, I just won, for the second time, but-” he took a deep breath, his eyes widening a little “- I don't think I can put up with their expectations.”

“Wait, wait.” Sergei narrowed his eyes, moving closer and taking Javi's hands in his “Who are you talking about?”

“Everyone!” Javi stressed “It's... it's like some people back home realized that skating is a sport, and that I exist, and I... I just feel it. They ask me questions, they write about me, and they... they expect something from me and I don't know-” Javi choked on air, clearly more and more stressed, and Sergei felt a light sting of fear. It had been a while since the last time he saw Javi like that, his skin going pale and moves turning frantic, eyes wide open and dark.

“Hey, hey.” Sergei muttered, rubbing Javi's hands “It's okay, there's nothing to worry about.”

“But-” Javi whined, his lower lip trembling, and Sergei shook his head firmly.

“You can't think about them.” he said softly, one hand coming to touch Javi's temple “You need to think only about yourself. Not about other people, not about who is skating against you. You said that yourself on the conference, remember?”

“I guess I was kinda lying.” Javi muttered, his shoulders dropping, and suddenly he looked really small and really young, and Sergei's heart stuttered.

“Come here.” he sighed, wrapping his arms around Javi and pulling him close “It's all going to be okay. Where is it coming from?”

Javi didn't answer right away, just nuzzled against Sergei's neck, his shoulders trembling a little. Sergei didn't push him, because to be honest, he knew what was going on, and what was going on inside Javi's head. He had been in the same position, maybe not under the pressure of olympics; but he still remembered his first senior worlds, all the way back in 2007, and his stupid foot that decided to broke once again. He had won Russian nationals twice, he knew what it was like to carry hopes and expectations of the whole country, and he knew how it felt not to fulfill those wishes.

He knew that it was always frustrating to Javi, not to be recognized in his own country, but now he was also feeling a new weight on his shoulders, and Sergei just wished he could take a bit on himself.

They sat like that in silence for a moment, before Javi took a deep, shaky breath and pulled back, smiling sheepishly.

"Sorry." he muttered "You know I'm cranky right after waking up."

Sergei sighed and shook his head, and flicked Javi's nose.

"Sure." he deadpanned "You know that I'm not buying it, but I know what you mean, so it's okay." he added softly "And listen to me, old and experienced. It's going to be fine, I promise. I know that it's hard, but you can't let this get into your head."

"I'll try." Javi chuckled weakly, and Sergei wished he had a better advice than that. But there was nothing he could do except of trying to make Javi believe that everything would turn out okay.

"I hope you'll go to Sochi too." Javi said suddenly, taking one of Sergei's hands and playing with his fingers "I mean, they have to think about it super seriously, right?"

It was a change of a subject, but Sergei took it, since he saw that there was more color coming back to Javi's face.

"Well, we'll see." he chuckled "They have a real riddle to solve now, between three old guys and Max."

"You're not old." Javi opposed and Sergei laughed again.

"Well, if you're comparing me to Evgeni, then sure."

"Well, yeah." Javi snorted, and Sergei was delighted to hear that small sound "That for sure."

"You know what, no matter if they send me or not, I'm going to be there, okay?" Sergei said on an impulse and Javi brightened up, a real smile blossoming on his lips.

"You promise?"

"I do."

Javi looked much better now, smiling, any traces of sadness gone from his expression. They kept looking at each other for some time, smiling like idiots, before Javi yawned suddenly, and then scrunched his nose.

"Huh." he muttered before flopping on the pillow and closing his eyes "I guess I still haven't slept enough."

Sergei chuckled and decided to lie down too, poking Javi's nose and making him open his eyes.

"Hey." he said quietly "Everything good in here?"

Javi kept on looking at him for a long moment, silent and still, his eyes big and warm and vulnerable.

"I'm sorry." he said quietly "I know I'm being whiny, and that I act childish, I just-"

"It's okay." Sergei said, but Javi suddenly looked puzzled again, his brow furrowed.

"No." he said, his voice a bit odd "I just-" he cut himself off and Sergei narrowed his eyes, moving a little bit closer so their noses were mere inches away.

"Hmm?"

"I don't want to seem like... I feel like you always take care of me and I don't give you enough in return." Javi blurted out and Sergei blinked rapidly, but he collected himself quickly, quite used to Javi's self- deprecating comments.

"First, we care about each other, you literally stayed overtime in Moscow when I was sick. Second, I'm older, so it's my job to help you out when you're feeling down. And third, I love you, so shush, because literally all I need is you loving me back."

Javi started at him, blinking very slowly, and then he whined loudly, turning his face and nuzzling into the pillow.

"I'm dumb." he confessed, his voice muffled, and Sergei chuckled, putting his hand on Javi's nape.

"Only sometimes." he said gently "You know what you also are?"

Javi opened one eye and looked at him, flushed but curious.

"What?"

"Double European champion, and an amazing person. And you're going to do so many great things."

Javi stared at him, his eyes glistening, and then he shifted so he was fully facing Sergei, his smile soft.

"And do you know who you are?" he asked quietly and Sergei shrugged.

"Your old Russian boyfriend?"

"More like, love of my life."

That was time for Sergei to gape, and his heart made a few saltos in a row.

"I'm changing my mind, you're really dumb."

"But you still love me." Javi said, his voice just a bit teasing, and Sergei felt at least five years younger.

"We estabilished that already." he muttered and Javi smiled, bright and honest, and so gentle.

"You're the best thing ever." he whispered before leaning in for a kiss, and then there was no Sochi and no European championships; only them, with all their fears and hopes, and all the love they had for each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much guys for staying with this story, it means the world <333


	44. I'm just trying to drain all this bad blood

Sergei glanced at his phone suspiciously, its screen dark and smooth, and then he got back to his book. He was trying to focus on the letters in front of him, but he couldn't, his eyes going to that cursed device every few minutes.

Evgeni's test skates had taken place almost a week earlier, it was high time for the federation to finally made up their minds and choose one to respresent their country in Sochi.

Sergei knew that it wasn't much likely that it could be him. He had done some thinking, and he realized that he was probably third on a list. Because there was Evgeni, a hero of the nation, even though everyone knew his back injury could make him withdraw at any second. And there was Max, so incredibly talented, but with not really promising consistency. Sergei knew that he wasn't really promising either, the history of his international competitions not really impressive. Sure, he had just earned himself a silver medal at Europeans, but he knew that it wasn't really that much of a success, in the eyes of his federation. He had been trying really hard, his whole life, but they never seemed to trust him enough.

He sighed, and threw the book aside, rubbing his face. There was no point in trying to focus when all he could think about was a bit question mark inside his head, red and flashy. He couldn't stop himself from recalling the last nationals, that thrill coming with a knowledge that one of them would step on the same ice during the olympics.

Could it be him? Really?

That possibility didn't even seem real, most of the time. Things like that happened to other people, but not to him. Never to him.

Sergei shook his head and closed his eyes, and a moment later his head and limbs started feeling heavy as he slowly drifted into a slumbler.

 

_"It's funny." Javi whispered, his fingers tracing circles on Serge's chest._

_"What?" Sergei asked, carding his fingers through Javi's hair, but the only answer he got was a quiet chuckle "Hey, it's rude, to tease like that."_

_"Sorry, sorry." Javi said, not sounding apologetic at all "Just... I'm thinking."_

_"Well that's new."_

_"Hey, who's rude now?"_

_It was time for Sergei to laugh, and he moved his hands to Javi's waist, hugging him tightly. It was so good, to feel Javi's skin, hot and smooth, and it was so good to see Javi so relaxed and happy, after those moments filled with doubt and a bit of tears._

_"You're making this face again." Javi said, shifting so now he was basically lying on Sereis chest, smiling a bit teasingly, and Sergei raised his eyebrow at that._

_"What face?"_

_"Like you love me or something."_

_"Oh really?" Sergei chuckled, moving his hand up and down Javi's spine "You know, if you need me to tell you I love you just let me know, you don't have to do these little tricks-"_

_"You're dumb." Javi announced, smacking Sergei's shoulder before nuzzling against his neck, breathing out softly._

_For a moment they were quiet, just holding each other and marveling at the fact they they could be like that, close and quiet and together. Sergei tried to recall the last time they could allow themselves a moment like that. The last time they had seen each other had been in Moscow, when Sergei was focused on trying to breathe and not coughing his lungs out. But now, it was different, and they were both basking in the afterglow and the happiness that they had shared a podium together._

_"I guess I am." Sergei whispered and Javi raised his head, a sly grin playing on his lips._

_"I forgot what the question was." he said smugly "But since I have your agreement-"_

_"Yeah, yeah." Sergei chuckled, leaning forward for a kiss "You have that, and so much more-"_

 

He woke up suddenly, and for a few seconds he couldn't identify the reason. But then he realized that it was afamiliar buzzing of his phone, and he reached for it frantically, his mind still blurry with sleep.

"Halo?" he asked, his voice a bit heavy "Yeah, I'm listening."

Thirty seconds later everything was clear.

 

* * *

 

"I hope you don't think about it too much, sweetheart." his mom said, handing him a cup of tea "It's really... it's-"

"It's politics, mom. I know." Sergei smiled slightly, taking a sip of a hot liquid "It's really good, thank you."

"Of course." she said, sitting in front of him and looking at him carefully "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I am." Sergei answered honestly "A bit disappointed, but okay. You know that I'm bad under pressure." he said carelessly and she looked at him for a long moment before smiling and standing up.

"Only a little bit." she said softly as she walked to the stove, brushing his hair on the way, and he could sense that something was off. They were each other's best friends for too long for him not to realize that.

"What's going on?" he asked, turning around in his chair so he could look at her as he stirred the stew she was cooking. She sighed deeply, but did't look at him, annd he waited patiently, because she was the worst liar in the universe.

"Your grandma is coming."

"Oh." Sergei blinked, surprised. That was probably the last things he was expecting, but he wasn't angry "Well, okay?"

"Okay?" his mom asked, turning to look at him, her expression a bit anxious "Because I was scared that-"

"No, it's okay." Sergei smiled and she realxed visibly.

"So-" she hummed, tilting her head a little "You talked to Javi? About-" she made a vague gesture with her hand and Sergei sighed, a bit of his kind of good mood fleeting away.

"Not yet. I learned about it yesterday, in the end?" he tried to joke but she gave him a stern look "I'll call him later, I had to... you know. Think about it."

"Of course, sweetheart." she said softly "I-" she couldn't finish, her words cut off by a sound of a doorbell "Well, I'll go open."

 

The dinner wasn't as akward as it could turn out. They engaged in a bit awkward, but quite normal conversation about the family affairs; she didn't ask about the olympics, and Sergei was pretty glad, because he didn't feel like explaining that to her.

"It was very tasty Nastya, thank you." she said politely when they finished eating and Sergei's mom smiled at that slightly.

"Thank you, mom. You want some coffee?"

"That would be lovely, thank you."

With that Sergei and his grandma were left alone by the table, his mom fumbling with cups and boxes. Sergei glanced at the older woman in front of him, and wondered if he should say something, but for some reason his mind was blank, and nothing felt appropriate enough.

Luckily, she was the one to broke the silence.

"I'm really proud of you. You skated really beautifully." she cleared her throat and looked somewhere above his shoulder, her expression puzzled "And your... he skated really well, too."

"Thank you." Sergei said softly "I will tell him that. If it's okay."

She looked at him, and there was something in her eyes, something warm and familiar, something reminding him of all those childhood days they had spent together.

"Tell him..." she trailed off, and then cleared her throat, looking down at her hands, folded on her lap "Tell him that when he comes to Moscow again, he should come over for dinner."

Sergei blinked rapidly, shocked, but then he could feel himself grinning, his lips curling up as if on their own. His grandma still looked uncomfortable, her shoulders tense and expression a bit awkward, but it was something. Correction, it wasn't something; it was a lot, coming from her, and Sergei felt some warm, bubbly feeling spreading inside his chest.

"Alright." he said softly "I'll tell him."

She nodded, sharp and short, her lips pressed in a tight line, and Sergei knew he couldn't ask or expect anything more. So he smiled and nodded, and asked about her health, and everything felt almost like before, and just how it should.

 

* * *

 

"Hiii." Javi exclaimed happily and Sergei smiled to himself, shifting to find even more comfortable position against the pillow.

"Well hi! How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Mhh, I can't see your face but I can tell that there is something."

Sergei surpressed a sigh, staring at the ceiling.

"I can't fool you, huh?"

"I learned my lesson, you know." Javi chuckled, and then sighed as well "You're good with your smiling poker face."

"We both are."

They were quiet for a moment, just breathing, and Sergei tried to imagine Javi in that exact moment, in a room full of light, with a winter sun coming from outside. There were sparks dancing in his hair, and his eyes were dark and happy, and Sergei's heart skipped a beat.

He usually tried not to share too many of his troubles with Javi, because he had so much on his shoulders already. But at the same time, relationships were built on trust, and he had been trying so hard to teach Javi that, to make him open up. Now, he owed him the same in return.

"I'm not going."

Javi inhaled sharply, and Sergei could almost see him, gripping the phone tightly.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"What a bunch of assholes!" Javi yelled, so loudly that Sergei had to move the phone a bit further from his ear for a moment "Let me guess, they're sending Pluschenko, right?"

"Yeah."

"This is ridiculous. This is absurd, what the hell, when was the last time he competed internationally?"

"Uhh, he did some challenger in autumn? But it's ok-"

"No, it's not, it's some high level bullshit." Javi stressed out and the sighed deeply, some anger clearly going away "How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. But... I guess more disappointed that I initially thought I would be."

Javi didn't say anything, only hummed quietly, letting Sergei know that he was there to listen.

"You know, I thought that maybe I didn't want that as much? I mean, olympics are great, and it would be amazing to go, but... I was anxious, what would happen if I had to go under all that pressure. I'm not sure if I want one hundred million people watching me, and expecting of me to do a miracle, because let's be honest, I'm not really-"

"Hey, don't say that." Javi said softly "You deserve to go."

"Well apparently not." Sergei said, a bit bitter "But hey, I can still make it to Korea, right?"

Javi chuckled at that, but it was clear that he was a bit upset about what happened, and Sergei felt incredibly warm at that proof of deep care and affection.

"You don't worry about it, I'm fine."

"Are you?" Javi asked quietly and Sergei sighed, looking at the lamp above him and narrowing is eyes.

"It's upsetting. And disappointing, but there are worse things than not going to the olympics. Are there are good things I can focus on, you know?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, like, I will have so much time in Sochi, to watch competitions, swim in the sea-"

"It's going to be too cold for that!"

"Yeah, we'll see about that." Sergei chuckled "Also... grandma invites you for dinner."

"Wait, really?"

"Really." Sergei chuckled "So, you know. It's not bad."

"Okay." Javi hummed, sounding surprised but glad "That's good! I would- I mean, she's kinda scary, but I'm down! I just don't know when I could find...hmmm-"

"There's no rush. Go and crush the olympics first."

"I will try my best." Javi chuckled, a bit nervously "And I can't wait to see you."

"Same." Sergei said, rubbing his eyes "I-"

"You want to go to sleep, huh? It's okay, I should be going too, find some food." Javi said brightly, but then hesitated for a second "You sure you okay?"

"Very okay."

"Cool. Yes. Then I'll catch you tomorrow?"

“What am I, a Pokemon?”

“Oh no. Oh that was so bad.” Javi laughed.

“I'm here to deliver you all the worst jokes.”

“Ugh, I guess I'll love you anyway.”

“Well thank you for being so generous.” Sergei chuckled, suppressing a yawn “So you catch me tomorrow and I'll catch you in Sochi.”

“That was even worse. But still, sweet dreams.”

“I hope for those.”

Maybe some dreams of his weren't meant to happen, but he had other, the ones in his reach, that somewhow were more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: we go to Sochi. Prepare tissues.


	45. look me in the eyes, tell me what you see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sochi part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's going so slow, but well, I have strong feelings towards Sochi and writing it is kinda rough. But here we go with the first part of the Olympics, and... I hope you enjoy!

"Why didn't you go to Vancouver?"

Sergei looked up from his coffee and glanced at Max, who was wearing a bit guilty expression.

"Vancouver?"

"Yeah." Max shifted on his chair a little "You know, what-" he didn't finish, making a vague gesture with his hand and smiling awkwardly "But you don't have to!" he said quickly and Sergei smiled reassuringly. 

He had come to terms with the fact that he wasn't going to Sochi, and looking at it now, with clear head, he could see a good side of it. But Max was still not over it, and Sergei could see how much hurt and disappointment his younger friend was feeling. He knew those feelings so well, and 2010 had been a year that was so challenging in that matter he still felt upset at the memories, sometimes. 

"It was on me, you know." he said, shrugging "I was second at nationals, so they sent me to Euros. And... well, it was pretty disappointing, I'd say. I hoped that I had their trust, still, but... I didn't."

It still stang, those memories. He had been so hopeful, back then, and then everything crumbled. It was a tragedy for his younger self, his dreams crushed by a bad competition and people who had enough power to take everything away from him. It had been so hard, back then, but Sergei learned how to look at it differently, now. That failure led him to so many changes in his life; he switched coaches, he came back to Moscow. He met Javi. So in the end, he was kinda winning anyway. 

Sochi was a bit of a different story, though, but Sergei wasn't bitter about it, at least not when it was coming to him. He still wished Max could go, because he was working so hard, and it was difficult, to see him so sad and resigned.

"Don't worry." Sergei said, putting on his best mature smile "In Pyeongchang they will have nothing on you."

"You think so?" Max asked, not looking really convinced, and Sergei nodded with all the certainty in the world, and his younger friend finally smiled a little bit.

"You're right." he sighed, and then his smile turned into a wide grin "I will trust you, since you're so ols and experienced."

Sergei rolled his eyes and grinned back. He didn't mind all the teasing about age and his supposed wisdom, he had a lot of that with Javi. He was in the sport for long and he knew well enough how to deal with those negative emotions, and he was happy to help.

"You're still going, right?" Max asked suddenly and Sergei blinked rapidly, focusing again.

"Huh?'

"To Sochi. You're going, to be with Javi, right?"

It was a bit unusual, for Max to ask a straightforward question about Sergei and Javi like that. He knew perfectly what was going on by now, but he was careful with speaking about it, especially when there were other people around. But now he was looking at Sergei with both warmth and fondness, and Sergei decided that there was no reason not to answer that.

"Yep. And it's not that hard to get a pass to the arena, just had to ask auntie Tatiana." Sergei chuckled, shaking his head "I guess she feels a bit sorry for me. I'm not a fan of pity, but I will take this one."

"Mhh." Max nodded absently, but then smiled again, honestly "Say hi to him from me. And... and I hope he beats everyone's asses."

"You and me both." Sergei chuckled, shaking his head a bit "I won't forget to tell him that."

 

* * *

 

"You sure you have everything?" Sergei asked and Javi pouted at him from the small screen of his phone.

"You asked me about it like three times already."

"It's only because I care!"

"I know, I know." Javi smiled, but then sighed "I have everything, don't worry, all the costumes, two pair of skates, all the documents and stuff-" he trailed off, and Sergei saw how his expression dimmed.

"Boots still bothering you?" he asked softly, and Javi winced, shrugging.

"It's under control, don't worry."

"You know it's my job to worry about you, right?" Sergei said, making a funny face, and just like he was hoping, Javi's expression brightened up again.

"But you love this job, don't you?" he teased and Sergei pretended to be wondering.

"It's okay."

"Mhh." Javi chuckled shortly "Do you know when you're coming exactly?"

"Still not hundred percent sure, flights are a bit tough to figure out. But I'll be there to give you a hug before the short, unless you developed some new rituals that say no to that-"

"Ha ha ha, so funny." Javi shook his head, words mocking but expression still soft "I want all the hugs from you."

"Good, I have so much hugs to give you." 

Javi smiled, warm and a bit tired, and Sergei felt his heart doing a weird flip again.

"Tired?" he asked softly and Javi shrugged, and then sighed. 

"I kind of... want it to be over already." he confessed "I mean, I'm excited, but I also-" he cut himself off, smiling sheepishly "Sorry, I don't want to complain."

Sergei knew that Javi didn't want to whine too much about all the stress and hopes and responsibilities coming with the upcoming olympics, because he didn't want to rub into Sergei's face that he wasn't going to compete himself. He was just like that, caring and anxious that he would do something wrong, and honestly, Sergei couldn't love him more.

"Hey, it's okay. I drank my sorrows away." he joked and Javi made a face at him, but then laughed shortly. 

"Okay, okay." he snorted, shaking his head, before smiling again, soft and hopeful "So... I'll see you soon."

"You will."

 

* * *

 

The bus driver was apparently some unfulfilled rally racer, because the way he was taking turns was making Sergei wince. He was in a pretty poor mood in general, to be honest. Sochi was a nice city, in a beautiful location, but Sergei wasn't sure if it was the best place to host winter competitions, in that climate. Still, the city wasn't really the problem. 

He glanced at his phone, checking his messages, but there was nothing. It was a good thing, that meant Javi wasn't going to bail on him, and Sergei really, really wanted to see him and check if everything was okay. 

He gripped his phone tighter, shaking his head and trying to keep his emotions at bay. Stupid reporters with their stupid stories and stupid need for drama. If he could, he would probably smack someone, but he needed to remain calm, at least for Javi's sake. 

Javi was insisting that he was fine but Sergei knew better. He didn't have plans to confront him about it, not with the competition so damn close, but he just wanted to reassure him that he wasn't alone.

And there was one more things, something that sent the whole country into a weeping fit. 

Sergei couldn't help a bitter smile from appearing on his lips, and he couldn't even say that he was surprised. Of course he wasn't happy about what happened with Evgeni, he wasn't a jerk like that, but there was some harsh feeling of regret creeping into his mind; he couldn't help but wonder what if, what if he had been given a chance. Would he do better? Or maybe his body would give up on him too?

The bus stopped and Sergei got out with a group of enthusiastic Japanese tourists, and he looked around. The sea looked beautiful, calm and glittering with sun reflections, and Sergei's mood immediately improved, even if only a bit. He inhaled deeply, salt tickling his nose, and examined the area more intently. The area was crowded, people passing by, taking pictures and talking and laughing, and it took Sergei a few moments to navigate through the crowd. But then he saw a little area with a few benches under the trees, and Javi was sitting on one of those, shoulders hanging low. He looked small, in a jacket that look too big on him somehow, and still keeping that utterly disastrous haircut. 

"Hey." Sergei said quietly, sitting next to him and Javi flinched, looking up and blinking rapidly, as if he hadn't heard him approaching. 

"Hi." he answered; he smiled, but he was looking tired and a bit pale, and Sergei almost reached to touch his face before he remembered where they were, and he stopped himself. So instead he just smiled back, the best he could, and he moved just a little bit closer. 

"How are you?" he asked and Javi flinched, and then shrugged, turning to look at the sea spreading in front of them.

"I'm holding on." Javi said finally, after a few moments of silence "I'm trying to focus, you know? It's okay. Doing good." he babbled and Sergei let him do that, listening patiently. They had seen each other a few days earlier, when they both just came to Sochi, but so much had happened in the span of the last few days, and now Javi was filled with some anxious energy, his fingers moving nervously, and Sergei wished there was something, anything he could do to help him even a little bit. 

"Javi, hey." he said, gently cutting the nervous stammering off, worried by the way Javi's breathing was hitching "Just breathe for a moment, okay?"

Javi stared at him, eyes big and a bit wide, and then his shoulders dropped as he exhaled slowly. 

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Javi." Sergei said quietly "I just don't like seeing you like that."

"I hate feeling like that." Javi mumbled, looking down at his hands, and then raising one to rub his chest "I feel like it's something wrong, in here. Like I can't breathe, lately." his voice cracked a little "I just... I want to do enough."

"You'll do great." Sergei said with all the confidence in the world "And in just a few days it all will be over."

"I can't wait." Javi chuckled, but the laughter didn't really reach his eyes "Do you think we could go for some vacation later? Run away somewhere warm?"

"Sure." Sergei smiled "What would you say about... Malta?"

"That sounds like a plan." Javi smiled back, and finally honest "Although it's pretty warm in here now, maybe I will be crawling real cold."

"Well, you can always come to Moscow-"

"Bleeeh."

"- and go for that dinner with my grandma. Use her good mood." Sergei finished and Javi's smile softened.

"Sounds like a plan." he said quietly "By the way, my parents and Laura flew in yesterday, and they would love to hang out with you, so-"

"I'll give Laura a call in the evening." Sergei said and Javi nodded, smiling, and he looked like he wanted to say something more, but then his phone rang rather loudly, breaking the silence.

"Uhh, that's my reminder that I'm meeting Brian in half an hour." Javi sighed, smile dimming "I need to go." 

"Of course." Sergei smiled reassuringly "If you want to talk, just give me a call. If not, it's okay, and we'll see each other after all it's done. You focus on yourself, okay?"

Javi didn't answer right away, his gaze searching and something flickering in his expression. Then he slowly reached out, two fingers touching Sergei's hand, and a small, soft smile appeared on his lips.

"I wish I could kiss you right now." he said quietly and Sergei almost said fuck it to all conventions, but he stopped himself, too experienced by now to gave into a temptation. So instead he just smiled the best he could, hoping that it was enough.

"Me too." 


	46. I wish I could escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sochi part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this hah sorry for any mistakes

"This never gets less stressful." Laura chuckled, taking a sip out of a paper cup she was holding "But also, can't remember when I was this excited. But also, stressed. Ugh, I can't decide." she shook her head, smile turning fond "Damn, now I kind of... miss competing."

"You were a beautiful skater." Sergei said honestly, recalling some videos him and Javi had watched at some point "I can bet you still would make it here."

"Sure." Laura laughed shortly "It's more than enough that Javi is here. Poor mom wouldn't survive two of us."

Sergei smiled, and looked over Laura's shoulder to watch her and Javi's parents, who were standing a few metres away, talking with someone from Spanish federation. Sergei's smile grew a bit wider as he watched them, because he had so many warm feelings for them; they were amazing, and so accepting, and seemed so happy to see him there. Sergei liked their company a lot, but he enjoyed hanging out with Laura the most, since it was the easiest to communicate with her and she had that amazinglu bright attitude that was making every conversation so much fun. But now, even though she was smiling so widely, Sergei could see that something was off, her smile just a tiny bit strained. He understood that, because he was nervous himself, and it was totally normal that her and her parents were so concerned about how the competition was going to go,

"Okay." Laura smiled, glancing at her phone "I guess it's time for us to head inside. Where are you sitting?"

"Uh, I don't really have a seat." Sergei chuckled "I just have this amazing pass that allows me be in here, so I'm going to hover somewhere close to the wall all the way up."

"Ahh." Laura smiled with sympathy "By the way, i haven't told you that, but... it's so sweet, that you came here. I can imagine that... that it might not be the easiest."

Sergei smiled back, and shook his head, feeling perfectly fine.

"It's okay. It's... it's not about me, now."

Laura nodded, her expression turning softer.

"I'm really happy you're here. It's nice to see you."

Her expression was honest and bright, and Sergei felt a wave oF warmth flooding his chest at the thought that maybe, at some point, they would be... a family. But now, there were other things to focus on, like the fact that there was suddenly a very loud music coming from the rink, a signal they all should slowly head out there.

"Okay." Sergei smiled, throwing his paper cup into a bin nearby "Time to go and enjoy the show!"

 

 

Javi did good.

It wasn't a perfect program, but it was solid, and Sergei was truly proud. He had been so afraid that Javi would give in to the pressure, but he held on pretty good, and third place was a good spot before the free. Javi's family was very excited about the result, and when they were leaving the arena they were all in good mood. They didn't want to bother Javi so soon after the day of competition, so they went for a dinner together to one of the crowded restaurants. Sergei's presence was pretty useful, since the staff spoke barely any English, but they managed to have a really nice meal. They talked, and had some laugh, and when Sergei got back to his hotel he was feeling pretty great. He dropped on the bed, barely bothering with a minimum that was taking his shoes off, and he took his phone out of a pocket of his jeans. He fiddled with it for a moment, wondering if he should text or call, but then his dilemma was solved as the device started buzzing, Sergei smiled to himself when he saw the name flickering on the screen and he quickly answered, moving the phone to his ear.

"Hey there." he said brightly "How is my olympian doing?"

"Good." Javi said and Sergei was happy to hear that he sounded honest "A bit tired, but good. I mean, it went good? I mean, fairly-"

"You did great. It was awesome, to watch you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

There was a short chuckle, sounding a lot like relief, and then a deep sigh.

"It felt... I don't know. It was so much." Javi said quietly "In Vancouver I was just excited, because no one cared about me, no one knew about me, and no one expected anything from me. It was fun, and it was a good experience, but today... I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, when I was getting into my starting position. It's-" his breathing hitched, and Sergei knew he had to break his train of thought, not let him spiral down that road.

"It's okay." Sergei said warmly, hoping that it would work "You did okay, and you will do great in the free. Javi, you- you are wonderful, and I need you to believe in yourself. I believe in you, you know? So much, but I don't want for you to feel... heavy, with that." Sergei winced at how weird it all sounded "I-"

"I know." Javi said quietly "I know, and... I love you."

"I love you too." Sergei said, somehow relieved when he heard Javi's voice, calm and steady "You're okay?"

"I am." Javi almost chuckled, and then cleared his throat "I was thinking... and I feel like I need to focus, so, uh... I will see you after the free, okay?"

Javi sounded nervous, as if he was afraid what Sergei would say about that, and Sergei's heart fluttered with fondness.

"Of course." he said softly "Go focus, get that medal, and we will meet later. You think about yourself now, and don't worry about me."

"Okay." Javi breathed out "Yeah. Thank you."

"Sure." Sergei smiled, thinking absently that he would give all what he owned to be able to hug Javi now "Now, I need you to go to sleep and rest. And you will do amazing."

A moment of silence, and then, a quiet laugh.

"You know what? I will."

 

* * *

 

Sergei didn't have much memories connected to the arena in Sochi, but the ones he had were kind of bittersweet. It was the place he had won his last bronze in, but also a symbol of the fact that he wasn't enough, once again. It wasn't a bad place, but now, watching the replay of Javi's program on that large screen, Sergei felt something weird and awful coiling in his stomach and slowly raising to his throat. He crew was buzzing in anticipation for a score, but all Sergei could do was to clench his fists and say a little prayer, _please, let it be enough_.

It wasn't.

Sergei felt as if a pit opened in his chest, swallowing his heart and lungs, sprewading to his stomach and clutching him with cold fingers.

He closed his eyes, and for a second he didn't hear anything except of his own rapid heartbeat, blood pulsing in his temples. Then he breathed out slowly, but didn't open his eyes until they announced the next skater starting his program.

Then, Sergei opened his eyes and he wondered if he had what was needed to heal a broken heart.

 

* * *

 

"I don't know." Sonia stressed, shaking her head "I tried talking to him, but he only grimaced and basically ran away to his room. His family came to visit, and he let them in, but since they left he's not letting anyone in, and I'm worried."

Sergei nodded, swallowing hard over his dry throat. He had been trying to contact Javi since the day before, when the free skate ended, but all he got was a plain "I'm okay, don't worry" text, which of course didn't make Sergei feel any less anxious. He understood that Javi wanted to be alone, to grief in silence, but at the same time he knew that it wasn't the best way for Javi to get better.

Sergei knew Javi well, and he knew that Javi shouldn't be alone. Because Javi needed people, and the only reason he was keeping himself away now was because he was feeling guilty, and Sergei couldn't let it continue. That was why he had called Sonia- after calling Laura, and now he was there, walking through an empty corridor.

"Here." Sonia said, searching through her pockets and taking something out "I smiled at the reception guy wide enough." she smiled, handing him a key card "If something happens, I'm number 133."

"Okay. Thank you, so much." he said and she nodded, her smile softening. She looked as she wanted to say something, but in the end she just nodded again and walked away.

Sergei stood there for a moment, feeling a bit guilty for invading Javi's privacy like he was just about to do, but then shook his head and opened the door.

The room was dark and too hot, and Sergei had to stop and blink a few times to get used to the lack of light. There was no reaction to his entrance, and that was so worrying Sergei's heart skipped a beat.

"Javi?" he asked quietly, and there was some sound coming from the bed, rustling of fabric, and when he narrowed his eyes he saw a small silhouette curled under the blankets. Sergei swallowed hard and forced his feet to move; he walked towards the windown, opening it just enough to let some fresh air came inside.

He hesitated for a moment before slowly making his way to the bed; he kicked his shoes off and got rid of his jacket, and he carefully lie down, reaching to caress Javi's arm.

"Hey." he said softly, and Javi inhaled sharply, but didn't say a word. Sergei could feel how tense he was, so he started moving his hand up and down Javi's arm in a slow, soothing gesture. He kept on doing that until Javi let out some quiet, choked out sound, and covered Sergei's palm with his. Sergei took it as a good sign and moved closer, fitting himself against Javi's back, lips pressing to his nape.

He wanted to say that it was okay, that Javi had done his best and it was still such a big achievement. He wanted to say that the pain would go away, and one day it would be just a distant memory, small thorn that would poke his soul only from time to time.

But he didn't say anything; instead, he held Javi a bit tighter, taking his hand and entwining their fingers, and he felt how Javi's body startled trembling, as if he was cold. They spent some time like that, close, silent, the only sound filling the room was Javi's loud, rapid breathing.

"I just wanted that one thing."

Javi's voice was strangled and rough, as if he had been crying, and Sergei's heart clenched painfully.

"It's going to be okay." he whispered and Javi sniffled quietly, and he felt so small and fragile Sergei was ridiculously anxious he would crush him "I know that it's awful now, but you'll be okay."

Javi let out some weird, choked out sound, like a sob and a chuckle at once, and then he slowly turned around. It was pretty dark in the room around them, but Sergei could still see Javi's face, pale and wide- eyed, and so painfully vulnerable and sad.

"Why can't I be enough?" Javi asked in a small voice, his eyes shining and lips trembling "Why can't-" his breathing hitched and his voice caught in his throat, and it hurt, to see him like that. Sergei couldn't help but think about some years back, when Javi had been so pale and frantic, constantly on the edge, with shadows clouding his eyes. And he looked just like that right now, pale and scared and miserable, and Sergei couldn't speak, so he just put his hand on Javi's nape and pulled him closer.

Javi cried silently until he fell asleep some time later, his breathing rapid and shallow, but at least he was getting some rest. Sergei didn't fall asleep at all, caressing Javi's back gently and wondering if their lives were now changed forever.


	47. It's getting cold (and I just don't care)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're going back to Javi's POV for a bit! I'm not sure yet if it will be only for this chapter or more, we'll see how things go.  
> I'm sorry for any typos, to my defense, it's close to 1am whoops  
> Hope you enjoy and the biggest thanks for staying with the story <333

When Javi woke up, he didn't remember.

He opened his eyes and saw that the room was filled with a dim light, and he noticed that the window was open, letting in fresh air and some morning noises in, and Javi groaned quietly, closing his eyes again. He could feel Sergei's deep breathing against his nape and Javi wondered sleepily when had he came in, because he couldn't remember-

\- he opened his eyes again, a small gasp escaping his lips as it all came back to him, and his heart started beating so hard he almost couldn't breathe.

No, no, no.

His hand was shaking as he brought it to his mouth, trying to be quiet, but Sergei was already shifting behind him, lettinng out some quiet, muffled sounds.

"You're awake?" he asked, but Javi didn't answer, too focused on trying to keep himself together.

"Hey." Sergei said, his tone soft and concerned, and then Javi felt his hand on his shoulder, gently turning him to lay on his back. Sergei was kneeling on the bed next to him, his expression worried but gentle, and Javi felt tears filling his eyes, as if he hadn't cried enough already.

"Hi." he squeaked, trying so hard to pretend that he was keeping himself together, but Sergei didn't buy it. He reched out to touch Javi's cheek, his thumb brushing over Javi's cheekbone soothingly, and Javi couldn't help it anymore. Tears started running down his face as he sobbed quietly, blinking quickly when his vision got blurry, but it didn't help at all. So he let the tears fall, sniffling quietly from time to time, feelings Sergei's hand on his cheek, the other caressing his palm. He wasn't saying anything, and Javi was grateful for that, because there was no words that could make him feel better.

It was all coming back to him, what had happened the day before, the fight he had to put on out there, and in the end it wasn't enough, it was just a bit, just one stupid jump, and now every chance and every opportunity were gone, and Javi had no idea if it was possible that it would stop hurting.

He lost track of time, too caught up in feeling miserable and hurt, until he realized that he wasn't crying anymore, and his head and chest hurt, and that his throat was dry like a sandpaper. He sniffled one more time and blinked slowly, trying to focus his gaze on Sergei's face, hoping that maybe his closeness, familiarity, would make it all a little bit easier to bear.

It didn't work like that.

A big part of Javi was grateful that Sergei was there, buy it was also reminding him what he had witnessed, Sergei and his family. They had seen how he crumbled down, falling apart in front of them and entire world, and Javi's chest burned with shame and the overwhelming feeling that he disappointed them all.

"Hey." Sergei murmured, rubbing his cheek gently "What about, you go take a shower, and I will get you something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry." Javi muttered, wondering absently when was the last time he had eaten. Probably before the free, and that thought only made his stomach clench even tighter.

"Well I don't care." Sergei said, but his voice was warm, and Javi would probably cry again, but his eyes were dry and hurting. If he could, he would just lie there and drown in his misery, but then Sergei kissed his forehead and then tugged his hands gently, and Javi followed him, pliant and weak.

When he was in the shower, it took him a moment to realize that the water was a bit too hot, and he reduced the temperature with mechanical movements, not really caring, still.

There was a tiny voice inside his head telling him that he was overdramatic, and that there was so many people in the olympic village now, feeling the same way as him. He knew he should try and act differently, to swallow all his frustration already, but he couldn't. There was so much bitterness, and so many difficult feelings, about the competition, about the scandal, and Javi had no idea how to cope with all those ugly, painful feelings clashing inside his body and making him tremble.

He ha dno idea how long he was in there, but then firm knocking to the bathroom door brought him back to reality.

"You okay?"

"I'm good!" Javi exclaimed, as loud as his dry throat was letting him, and he winced at how rough his voice sounded "Just a few minutes." he added, turning the water off, and he heard Sergei's acknowledging hum from the other side of the door.

When Javi stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror, he almost didn't recognize himself.

The person staring back at him looked familiar, but it didn't feel like Javi.

He was pale, despite just exiting a hot shower, and there were dark circles under his tired eyes, his lips dry and chapped. He looked thin, and too young, while his eyes seemed blank and too old.

It didn't feel like him.

He dressed himelf in the fresh clothes Sergei had pushed into his hand earlier, and he felt a tiny bit better, his skin feeling warm, soft fabric of his shirt hugging him nicely. When he left the bedroom he flimched, surprised, because the room was now filled with bright light, the courtains open, sunrays painting golden dots on the floor and bed.

Speaking of the bed, he was neatly done, now, and Sergei was sitting on the edge of it, smiling softly. He looked a bit tired, and Javi immediatly felt guilty, because he knew he was a reason for that.

"I brought you something." Sergei said, pointing the bedside table, and Javi wondered briefly how long he had spent in the shower.

"I-" Javi started, but then bit his tongue and dutifully sat down on the bed and reached for a banana and munched on it, looking down and fighting with himself not to throw up, his stomach churning rebeliously.

He managed to eat it all, and drank two glasses of water, but he was feeling uneasay and heavy, and he just wanted to crawl back under blankets and sleep until he could forget, or until people would forget about him, because he didn't think he could handle their pity, or their judgement.

It had been so hard, to face Brian, to smile at Yuzuru, to try not to cry in front of Laura and their parents. And it was hard now too, trying not to break down again, becaus the tears were still there, burning in the corners of his eyes, threatening to fall all over again. So he closed his eyes, shoulders dropping, and he was feeling weak and tired.

But then he felt warm hand pressed to his nape, rubbing small, soothing circles.

"Let's make a deal." Sergei said quietly "We'll go for a long walk now, and maybe we could go for dinner with your parents, and Laura. And then... then we will see, but I'm not letting you bury yourself in here all alone."

A part of Javi wanted to pout like a child and say that he didn't want to go anywhere. But then he looked at Sergei's smile, at his smile that wasn't really covering the concern in his expression, and Javi swallowed past the lump in his throat before nodding slowly.

"Okay."

"Okay." Sergei nodded, smiling a bit more widely and standing up "Come." he said, extending his hand, and Javi took it, standing up as well.

Suddenly, they were standing really close, and Javi could clearly see Sergei's face, as if for the first time in long days.

Sergei was smiling, like almost always, but Javi could see that he looked tired too; shadows under his eyes weren't as dark as Javi's, but lines around his mouth seemed deeper, his eyes, usually so bright and playful, now dimmed as he was looking at Javi with concern.

Javi knew he was a cause of all of that, and he blinked slowly, clearing his throat before hesitantly looking into Sergei's eyes.

"I'm sorry." he whispered and Sergei's gaze turned puzzled for a second before he shook his head, a small sigh escaping his lips.

"Don't, Javi." he said quietly, reaching to caress Javi's temple and then sliding his hand to Javi's nape "Don't. It's okay." he flinched, smiling apologetically "It's going to be okay."

He looked tired, and a little bit sad, and Javi's heart clenched a bit, but there was also something warm and familiar flickering inside his chest. So he nodded slowly and then stepped even closer, one of his hands finding Sergei's and linking their fingers together. He wanted to say something, thank you, I love you, but the words died on the tip of his tongue; so instead of speaking, he just leaned in for a kiss.

It was chaste and familiar, and safe, and Javi sighed, feeling bits of tension escaping his body. It was a little bittersweet, though, because despite of the warm familiarity surrounding him, Javi couldn't help but think about all what had happened, about the stupid words or dark glances some people were sending him in the corridors. But after a second he blocked those negative thoughts away, somehow, and just let himself feel a little bit better.

They held hands until they left the building, and when they stepped outside Javi had to close his eyes for a moment, because the sun was shining so brightly his tired eyes couldn't take it at first. But then he felt warm wind on his face, felt just a hint of salt on his lips, and he opened his eyes, and took a deep breath.

It was a new day, in the end, and all he had to do was to try.

They went on the long walk by the sea, and Sergei was doing his best to lift Javi's mood up with talking about the funniest, most neutral topics he could come up with. Javi appreciated it so much, even though he wasn't still really able to laugh; but he managed to smile a few times, and he could see that Sergei was relieved.

Some people recognised them, especially Sergei, when it was coming to Russians. He had to do some polite small talks, but no one seemed suspicious about the two of them walking together. But Sergei was keeping his facade perfectly, and it wasn't like anyone was super interested in his personal life.

True to his words, Sergei called Laura and they all met in a cosy restaurant close to the village, not extremely crowded, which was a little miracle. Javi was happy to see them, but at the same time it was a bit hard, still. He knew that they weren't dissapointed with him, it was the opposite, but Javi knew that he needed more than just one day to get over it, to make peace, to heal that wound in his heart that was still open and bleeding and so, so painful.

Still, he somehow managed to smile, and talk, and even eat, and he didn't burst into tears even when his mom hugged him, fragile and warm and so, so loving.

"We have a flight tomorrow evening." she said, her eyes big and warm "When will you come home, Javi?"

"I-" he swallowed hard, his tongue feeling stiff "I have gala? And then... I think I need to talk to Brian, I-"

"It's okay, sweetheart." she said softly, touching his cheek gently before moving her gaze to Sergei "You take care of him, right?"

"Of course." Sergei said, and even though Javi didn't see his face, he could tell that he was smiling.

 

 

"Okay." Sergei smiled when Javi exited the bathroom after an evening shower "Tired?"

"Yeah." Javi nodded, making his way to the bed and dropping on it with a sigh.

After meeting with his parents they went for another long walk, during which Javi had a phonecall with Brian that left him feeling even more drained emotionally. Now, safe in his small room, he just wanted to crawl back under the covers and sleep for about twelve hours.

"Okay." Sergei repeated, his smile turning even softer as he walked closer and touched Javi's forehead "You want to stay alone? Because if that's unco-"

"No." Javi murmured, shaking his head "Stay. You can, uh... I have your sleeping clothes somewhere in my suitcase. I kinda... stole them the last time in Moscow."

Sergei laughed at that softly before leaning down and pressing his lips to Javi's forehead.

"I'll be right back."

While Sergei was in the bathroom Javi shifted around in bed, finally setting on his side and closing his eyes, exhaling slowly. He had done it, he got through the day, and the world didn't end.

Maybe, one day, it wouldn't hurt at all.

He kept his eyes closed even when he heard quiet clicking of the bathroom door, a sound of the light switch being flickered, slow footsteps. He only opened his eyes when the bed cracked quietly and there was a gentle hand touching his cheek.

"Hi." he mumbled and Sergei smiled at him closely.

"Hey." he whispered back "Do you want to talk?"

His tone was warm, and still a bit concerned, and Javi knew that he should speak, because he had barely opened his mouth that day, and talking was something he knew they needed, and something that would maybe help him.

But maybe not now.

"Tomorrow, okay?" Javi whispered, nuzzling against Sergei's hand "I promise."

"Okay." Sergei smiled before kissing Javi's forehead, his touch warm and comforting "I love you, you know? And it's going to be okay."

"I know." Javi muttered, his eyes closing as sleep started taking control over his exhausted body "I know."

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know in the comments!


End file.
